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Need help (long one sorry)

(98 Posts)
Hurtingbad Mon 07-Jul-14 08:14:56

I've changed my name I'm sorry hmm

So wedding is in three weeks! I've been with h2b for 8 years. We have never argued or had any major fallouts etc.

Last week I was on h2bs tablet and went to bookmark a job for him. In the process I found a link to a porn website he had an account to. This didn't bother me but to my own shame curiosity got the better of me and I logged in (easy he has the same pw for everything) what I found had bothered me. Massively!

I looked at the messages and found a chat with a girl from 4 years ago trying to arrange for her to come to our flat (he also described himself as single) the saving grace was the girl was simply amusing his fantasies it was clear she had no intention of coming down however they did send pictures to each other 😥

But on top of this I also found he had uploaded 4 pictures of me!!! (Some I had sent him/agreed to him taking but some of which he has taken while I am asleep)

Horrified and betrayed just do not come close to how I feel right now. We had a screaming argument last week and I left for a few hours to try and make sense of what has happened.

I came home and he broke down completely (emotion has never been his strong point) He has promised that he will never do anything again ever and will spend the rest of his life feeling horrible at what he's done to us. I genuinely believe he knows the severity of how much he has hurt me but I don't know how to get over it!

I do want to be with him and I just can't cancel the wedding but at the same time I feel like I am being a mug if I let him off with it

My head is so torn with emotions and I really need help

minmooch Mon 07-Jul-14 08:26:13

You can cancel the wedding. It will be very hard and you may lose money but I think you need some space to deal with this. It is a massive show of disrespect and would be a deal breaker for me. He took photos whilst you were asleep? Disgusting behaviour and I would find it hard/nigh on impossible to trust this man again.

Your wedding day should be full of love and laughter, hope for the future not shock and resentment for what you have found.

Cancel the wedding. Decide if this is something you can forgive, see if he works at regaining your trust and marry him later if he proves he is worth it.

I would cancel the wedding forthwith and ask others to help with doing that; you simply cannot go on ahead and marry this man after all he has done. He has shown you all too clearly that he cannot be at all trusted and the trust has well and truly gone now. No trust - no relationship. The shame is all his to bear now, not yours to carry for him.

I'm so sorry, what an awful shock for you.

Do you have kids?

What has he promised to do to try to get back your trust? It's not just about him feeling bad, he needs to take positive actions to rebuild your relationship.

He has essentially cheated on you and broken your trust in a massive way. In some jurisdictions, his taking photos of you and posting them on a porn site would be illegal.

For me, I would never be able to trust him again, and without trust there is no relationship. But some people do recover from cheating in the relationship. But it is a LOT of work and takes a long time.

I know it probably seems impossible but I think you should postpone the wedding, whatever the fallout it's better than going ahead and then getting divorced down the road. And I think you are right to worry that if you go ahead, you are basically letting him get away with it all.

LEMmingaround Mon 07-Jul-14 08:32:06

The online talk I could (in time) forgive. The posting photos if you on a porn site would be a deal breaker flowers this man has no respect for you

noddyholder Mon 07-Jul-14 08:32:50

You really need to cancel the wedding. Going ahead with it no matter how contrite he appears at the very least sends him a message about what you will tolerate in a partner. Just no.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 07-Jul-14 08:39:13

He took photos of you without your knowledge and posted them on a porn site?

He could be prosecuted for that.

You need to cancel the wedding. You really do. This isn't about 'forgiving' an infidelity or him breaking your trust - it is about discovering that this man has a serious, proper problem. He is really not the kind of person you should think about marrying, sharing a home with, having children with. He WILL damage you and your life.

You can start from the point that he needs help, yes. You can make the decision that you want to support him in getting help for his issues. But in the meantime, finish your relationship, call of the wedding. For your own safety and happiness.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 07-Jul-14 08:39:34

Call OFF the wedding.

PlayitcoolTrig Mon 07-Jul-14 08:42:54

I agree with all that's been said.

The online talk I could maybe deal with but the photos? Nah, I think that would be a deal breaker for me.

I also agree with at least post pining the wedding. You're in shock. What if you start processing it and in 2 months time decide you can't live with it? You'll be married. I honestly think you need to allow yourself time. Also, you need to send a clear message that this is a fucking massive deal.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jul-14 08:43:55

I do want to be with him ... at the same time I feel like I am being a mug if I let him off with it.

You can get married any time, Hurtingbad, when you are 100% sure about you and him. Right now, you're not.

^ I just can't cancel the wedding^

You would not be the first person to postpone or cancel a wedding.

Perhaps you feel you ought to go through with the wedding because you are worried about what people would think.

This is about you! Not them! What other people think does not matter.

BelleOfTheBoys Mon 07-Jul-14 08:44:36

Will you spend your wedding day wondering if you are doing the right thing? Angry at him? Will you hear him saying his vows and wonder if he means a word of it? If so, cancel.

If you marry him now, and it works out, you will look at those photos for the rest of your life and remember this. I think you need time to see if you can trust him. It's unfortunate that this has come to light now with your wedding so close - you may be feeling the pressure of the wedding coming up and it might be clouding your reaction.

If you weren't getting married (especially so soon), and you'd discovered this, how would you feel then? Would you feel differently if you didn't have a wedding booked? It can seem like a really big deal, everything booked, everyone invited, etc - but you most certainly can cancel. It's very possible and you don't have to tell everyone the real reason why. You can just say you're working some problems out and it's none of anyone's business.

He's going to stand opposite you in front of all your loved ones and promise to honour you. Do you believe him?

I'm so sorry this had happened. Fwiw I've been married for five years and we have two kids. If I logged on to DH's computer and found photos of me he'd put on a porn site, he would never enter this house again starting right now. What an amazing violation of your privacy, of your trust (your consenting to his taking pictures of you is categorically not the same as you consenting to him publishing them in this way). I'm so sorry and no matter what he says to try and convince you otherwise, this is really not fine, or the act of a man who respects you, and you are completely allowed to be raging at him.

Preciousbane Mon 07-Jul-14 08:46:29

That level of betrayal would be too much for me

Looking at porn wouldn't be great that in itself I could live with but messaging, pretending to be single and also the photos are unforgivable

I honestly think that this would always be in the back of your head grind you down over time and give you a miserable life

I would call off the wedding and be breaking up.

Hurtingbad Mon 07-Jul-14 09:29:06

No kids but were actively ttc as of a few months ago.

It's so hard because I know what everyone of you lovely ladies is saying is exactly what I would tell someone to do ... Just never thought I would be on this side if it.

I do genuinely believe he knows what a massive dickhead he has been and he offered to move out to give me space (he was worried about me driving about all night) and has offered that we go to counselling and it was him that suggested postponing the wedding after I eventually said I didn't want to call it off.
I haven't told anyone in rl because I know if I do then I HAVE to leave him

tinypumpkin Mon 07-Jul-14 09:39:28

I am so sorry Hurtingbad. That must be such a huge shock for you. No one can tell you what you should do of course but I hope that you find support here.

Belleofthe boys post is spot on for me. I personally could not continue with a relationship after being betrayed in this way. That's me, though.

It sounds like you need some space to think. Having your wedding so soon must be a huge stressor. Do you have any work based counselling services? I am just wondering if there is someone that you can talk to in real life without telling others first. Perhaps just to say it out loud and begin to think about where to go from here.

Nanny0gg Mon 07-Jul-14 09:53:39

You must cancel the wedding. Tell people it's postponed if you like rather than cancelled. You do not have to give reasons.

You then need space and time to decide what to do. And he definitely should go to counselling.

But then if it were me? He'd be out on his arse and I'd never see him again.

InTheNorth123 Mon 07-Jul-14 10:07:05

I agree with PPs, you CAN cancel the wedding and tbh I think you SHOULD. This man has taken pictures of you whilst you are asleep and uploaded them for other men to see, all without you knowing! That is a gross invasion of your privacy and what will he do next to get his kicks? sad

Really sorry this has happened to you OP, especially so close to the wedding. This man is telling you loud and clear who he really is - listen to him.

Hopefully you can have counselling and work through your problems, and I think it's safe to say your P needs some sort of help on his own too. It won't be easy and will take a lot to build up the trust. Tbh, I don't think it's something I could forgive or move past.

Have you taken him up on his offer of giving you some space?

Sorry if I sound quite harsh, I just wish somebody had given me this advice before I had a child with my ex. thanks good luck OP.

Hurtingbad Mon 07-Jul-14 11:20:22

Although I'm not replying individually to you all please know that your words are being taken and thought about xx

It's just so much to throw away. I have always loved the fact that we were seen as "the perfect couple" maybe this will teach me to be more humble if that's the word hmm

I've told him I'll try and move past it but my head is constantly arguing with itself. At least when I bring it up he doesn't shy away. He takes the abuse and screams/tears and I genuinely believe the promises to be abetter man that he has made me.
It feels like my world is slipping away, in the last few months I have been unexpectedly told to move out my long term rental within six weeks and have had a redundancy hanging over my head at work for a few months and now my rock has done this.

I mean he saved my life ( no dramatics intended) but I was very mentally ill at one point and he brought me back from the brink

And to top it off my hair is falling out with everything. I know that's nothing in the grand scheme of things but it's a reminder of how little I am coping tbh

Nanny0gg Mon 07-Jul-14 11:29:19

Please don't marry him out of gratitude! It will eventually be used against you in some way.

You don't necessarily have to split up but you really, really need to at least postpone the wedding. You need time to properly process all of this. And a wedding is stressful enough in the best of circumstances.

holeinmyheart Mon 07-Jul-14 11:48:28

Despite what everyone is saying I don't think you are going to postpone the wedding. However we all do some amazingly stupid things that could endanger our relationships. It can be out of boredom etc. Even though I would say my DH' saved me and is my rock and is the most wonderful person, I have eyed up others and had fantasies in my head that I would be appalled for him to find out about as it smacks of being unfaithful. I have flirted. Everyday life can get tedious and I think I did it because I remember how exciting it was to be unattached and an object of desire. I am past my sell by date now. You have had good advice and know that you should dump this guy, but you are not going to for reasons that you feel are good, but you can't say you haven't been warned. It will be a lot harder to leave when you have children. I wonder why he did it ? Can you ask him to explain? It might hurt you though ? If you can listen with out screaming then you may get somewhere. Unless you know why, you can't really stop it happening again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jul-14 12:07:01

If you choose unwisely, you risk sending the next 30 years of your precious life with a man who doesn't deserve you.

I know it is tempting to tolerate obnoxious behaviour to avoid upheaval. stress and possible loneliness. You feel like you owe him something for what he did in the past. But this is recent and whatever help he gave you previously, that debt was negated by how he has treated you.

Jux Mon 07-Jul-14 12:08:07

You can cancel the wedding. You can stop ttc. You can, but I suspect you won't.

We will be here for you when he does it again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jul-14 12:11:21

Spending not sending

Hurtingbad Mon 07-Jul-14 12:15:48

Holeinmyheart.

His explanation to the chat was just boredom and a fantasy he told me nothing would ever have came of it and I kind of believe him. He was a virgin before we got together and wasn't the most confident with girls.

His explanation for the photos were on his words because he got a bit of a kick thinking about other guys fantasising about his girl. He then went on to admit that he knows it was sick and disgusting and unbelievably disrespectful and that he wants counselling of some sort. Wether it's together or apart. He also deleted every photo/video he had of that kind and deleted his account. He says he will phone the sky and get a parental control on so I can be sure he isn't looking at they websites anymore. X

Hurtingbad Mon 07-Jul-14 12:17:18

I just want to cry and not leave the house but have to go back to work. I phoned in sick last week because I couldn't trust myself to put a brave face on

Hurtingbad Mon 07-Jul-14 12:20:25

Jux do you think he will do it again?

With the (big) exception of this he has never been anything less than respectful to all girls. Was always the one to look out for them when guys were being dickheads etc

Am I too optimistic to think that he learnt his lesson with how close I came to ending everything? Is that naive?

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