How to sort finances

[wewillmendit]

So, H and I are separating. We have been together almost 20 years, married for 5. We have a house, owned with no mortgage.
I went to see solicitor this week, and really don't want to go the route of buying H out of the house, and I wouldn't want for him to have to do that either.
Dd is 9, and loves the house and having her friends just doors away. Her well being is really important to both of us.
I am not interested in what I can get out of the divorce financially, as long as dd is provided for by us both and we can all be comfortable.

So, what I am thinking of suggesting to H is that he stays in the house, as to be fair he has done so much work to it, and also given his age it is unfair to expect him to start again, new house, mortgage etc.
I would expect a s from him to enable me to move, £30000 for example.

What do others think to this? Am I being a fool walking away from more money, or is it more important to keep things as amicable as possible for dd and both h and I?

[wewillmendit]

He is early 60's. Maybe more of a payout then, enough for a deposit on a mortgage and to set up with furniture?
I need to find out what amount mortgage wise I can afford as this will probably decide whether I rent initially or buy.

[wewillmendit]

Thanks precious I will do.
Yes we are in a cheaper county. Depending on which area a decent 2 bed semi goes for 110k.

[wewillmendit]

Little bump. All views appreciated, thanks.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm glad you've had legal advice. My view is that you should go for a fair settlement that reflects 20 years of your life and pays for the next phase rather than thinking you need to sell yourself short either because you feel sorry for him or because you think DD couldn't cope with a house move. IME children are quite resilient when presented with a challenge and exes will take a mile if you give them an inch.

What's the property currently worth?

[Belloc]

WHo does the bulk of the childcare?

It's a good idea to make things as comfortable as possible for your daughter. But it's also important that the parent that leaves is able to provide a decent home for your child.

You can normally offset pensions and if you get stuck with unfairness at the end of to all, you can put funds into trust for use by your daughter to fund university or her first home etc.

If you've built up your assets jointly, it makes share to share them as fairly as possible.

[wewillmendit]

Approx £130000. About 5 years ago h has the opportunity to take his pension payout, so he did and paid the remainder of the mortgage off.
So I need to account for that also.
I know what you are saying, cogito, am sure DD would cope. I am thinking that if we can move not too far away so that when she is old enough she can go between us, as long as we can sort an agreement for shares care were DD won't be let down.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What some people manage to arrange is to defer the sale of the family home until the child is older, splitting the proceeds at that point rather than earlier. However, this relies on there being enough income to be able to afford to maintain the former family home and provide reasonable accommodation for the NRP in the meantime. DD will ideally be splitting her time between both of you of course.

[wewillmendit]

I do the bulk of the childcare, but he is happy and willing to do his bit, when he is able
He pays into a long term savings isa for DD's future.
I would want to protect my pension, probably in return for him being reasonable now.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then you've got £65,000 sitting in that property which is yours and I don't think you should let that go out of sentimentality .... or is it guilt? Do you feel responsible for the break-up?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... are you suggesting that DD stays in the family home with your STBXH and you move out and rent somewhere?

[wewillmendit]

I feel guilty in that I have instigated the break up, but I know that we will all be much happier. H and I are already, it's as though the misery of being married is lifted and we can be friends. It's sad too for both of us, but we know it's the right thing.

[wewillmendit]

No, definitely not! She will stay with me and see her dad as planned. This will be flexible on both parts though, as long as the basic routine is adhered to for her sake.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then I think you should park the guilt rather than condemn you and DD to having to live somewhere poky and watch the pennies while your ex has all the amenities. If you're not going to take the capital out of the house, go for something else in compensation for the value lost.... spousal maintenance or a lump sum contribution to your pension for example.

[Stripyhoglets]

how much did he pay in from his pension lump sum? I think you should find out what you could borrow on a mortgage before you make any final decisions. but if he gets a bigger share of the house on the basis it was his pension paid for it and then you keep your pension for yourself, then why not agree if it works for you both in the best interests of your daughter.

[holeinmyheart]

You may feel magnanimous now but you also need to think of your old age as it comes around awfully quickly. If he is in his early sixties then you can't be all that far behind. What will you do if you can't work or you are ill? Have you built up enough money to provide yourself with a pension because if you haven't then you will be as poor as a church mouse. A state pension alone is a laughable amount. Also during the 20 years you spent with him you contributed in terms of cooking, washing,childcare,emotional support, cleaning, etc etc. You didn't sit on your bum eating candy. To get a Council Carer in the home costs at least £14/18 an hour. Think how much you have earned in 20 years! I think I would want him at least to put me on the deeds of his house. Also If he meets someone else, he could be groomed to write your Dd out of his will( I have seen it happen) I think you should get some more serious financial advice.

[wewillmendit]

I am early 40's, there is an age gap. I have a good local government pension with many years paying in, so yes I am financially secure for old age.
Good point re the will, I will speak with H re addressing that.
I know what you are saying about all the years of childcare, housework etc but TBH, I don't care about that, it's done and we have both put into the marriage.
I will take further advice, in respect of how much of a mortgage I can afford, and also h needs advice too so that he can pay me a fair sum if he remains in the house.

[rockpink]

In my humble opinion, having been royally shafted and lost everything, my inheritance, my life, my world and my credit rating, and gained all his debt when STBXH walked out on DC'S and I, I wish I'd taken some advice from Citizen's Advice.
They suggested we sell the house back to the local authority, then I could have stayed in it with my children and paid the local housing rent.
I know that your situation isn't the same at all but there are loads of options.
I'd go and get some advice!

[rockpink]

Oh, and he wont give me access to his very good pension (local authority) despite us being together for years, nor give me anything but what the CSA force him towards the DC's upbringing, nor are they mentioned in his will.
This is despite him saying he'd provide for them when he first walked out. He also said he would see them every week.
Things change rapidly when your ex meets a new scheming bitch partner who knows how to control him!
IMHO things don't stay nice between you for long.
Yes, I'm still very bitter!

[wewillmendit]

Oh rockpink I'm sorry you ex has not been fair to you and the dc's.
That is what worries me, if h were to meet someone who is unwilling to have DD's best interest at heart.
I'm not surprised you are bitter.

[Belloc]

If you are the main childcarer, it surely makes sense for you to remain in the family home with your daughter. At least until the time comes when you feel able to move. Perhaps you could do that once you've all recovered from the change and once she's settled into her secondary schooling.

It needn't be the case that the person who resides there is the sole owner.

[rockpink]

I just never thought it would happen to us, especially as he was a real family orientated man. (still is but with someone else's kids rather than his own, but I'll shut up now! )