Holiday problems - just about ready to throttle DH

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

He's got a week off work, DS has finished nursery for the summer, and I'm already tearing my hair out. We've had one row about my parenting already (apparently I give DS too much independence that he's not ready for, then I get snapped at for hovering over him, I can't win) the house looks like a hurricane tore through it, and DH is lounging on the sofa watching cartoons on the computer, leaving me to sort food/games/toilet for DS.

I was actually planning on getting some of my own work done this week - I'm midway through a novel and DH being home was meant to give me some dedicated writing time for a change. It looks like that isn't happening now, since I'm stuck doing the same things I do every day. If anything, there's more work to do because DH just creates mess, which he won't clean up.

I feel like screaming. It's only the first day, I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week.

[iwantavuvezela]

You need to have a chat and maybe come up with a schedule that allows you both some time of, some time together, that way if you pre arrange what hours you will have free, then the parent with child can give the other space etc.

[CMOTDibbler]

If you need to get some writing done, then tell dh that, and then leave the house to write. Go to the library and stay there for the however many hours you've agreed.

[TanteRose]

Yep, get thee out to a library or coffee shop - leave him to it

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

I did suggest something like that, but he complained about me trying to plan out the week, he wants some spontaneity because his day at work is so regimented. I don't think there's anything spontaneous about sitting on the computer all day, but that's just my opinion.

I much prefer it when he's working, having him home all the time just winds me up.

[StandsOnGoldenSands]

Leave the house. Every day. 9 til 5. On your own.
Go to a library or sit outside if it's nice weather. Get your work done, go to the gym or for a walk, listen to music, have a nice lunch .... Etc.

Then when you get home be bright and breezy and absolutely do not get sucked into any discussion or row about it at all.
It is not optional, it is essential that you get this time to yourself - just keep telling yourself that. Your time is not the lowest priority in the household.

[Artandco]

You need to tell him then. Saturday is just a normal day not even holiday week began really and you aren't happy so need to discuss.

Say you have plans to work all day Monday and Wednesday, so what are his plans with ds.

You need to discuss how parenting is joint. If da needs help with someone taking him to the toilet then he should notice and take him at least half the time. Same with playing and feeding. He should be arranging what's for lunch half the time, and any 'free' time needs to be shared.

With children he can't expect to have the whole day playing games

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

Trying to keep up...I'm very tempted to take my laptop over to the local pub and have a coffee while I crack on. I'm slightly concerned about the state of the house when I get back though, because I'll be the one cleaning it up! Might have to do it anyway, despite the moaning.

[Finola1step]

He is on holiday from work. He expects his holiday to be a holiday. That includes you doing everything you usually do because he is on holiday. He doesn't need to pick up after himself because he is on holiday.

I think the root of the problem is quite clear.

[TanteRose]

Why will you be the one cleaning it up?? Just ask him to tidy up and push the Hoover round - bloody hell, he's an adult

[AnyoneForTennis]

is writing your novel an occupation or a hobby?

[calzone]

Just leave the house!

He wants spontaneity......he just got it!!

[DustBunnyFarmer]

You need to stop cleaning up after him & state your expectations about the housework (50:50 split, for example). No point feeling so resentful and martyred by it if you're not being clear about the change you want to see.

Also echo what the others said about getting out of the house if you need to work.

[bumbumsmummy]

I'm with Calzone see ya bye

Oh I'd be asking when your week off

[BackforGood]

Agree with others - if this was supposed to be a chance for you to do some writing, then leave the house in the morning (library, friend's spare room, even the coffee shop or pub) and let him be as spontaneous as he likes with your ds.

I'm a bit inclined to agree with him I don't want my time off work to be all planned and regimented, but if you agreed that this would give you some time away from your dc to write, then you need to get away and do that.

[Quitelikely]

You want to throttle him because he's acting like a stroppy teenager!

Ask him to carry out certain jobs in the house each week so they become his. If he doesn't do them let them build up.

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

Writing is not exactly my job, but I'm trying extremely hard to get to the point where it is, IYSWIM. So it's important that I get the time to work on it - time I already sacrifice because of his job.

He did just get dressed and sort of tidy the living room. It's not perfect, but at least I can see the floor! Finola got it spot on, he's on holiday so thinks he shouldn't have to do anything.

I'm heading out in a few minutes, once I've finished my cuppa. Taking my laptop and spending a couple of hours working down the pub. He's got a grumpy face on, but hasn't said anything yet!

[AnyoneForTennis]

how is the pub any quieter than at home?

[edwardcullensotherwoman]

Anyone I'd guess that the background noise at the pub is something OP can switch off from - nobody will be nagging her to clean up/get this/do that at the pub.

Go for it OP, and if you can't go out 9-5 every day as was suggested by another poster (very good idea imo!) try to get out for at least a few hours each day. I know exactly what you mean, DH is very good with DCs when he is home, but does very little else, so there's always more mess to clean up!

[AnyoneForTennis]

oh,just wondering with all the world cup games on

[AcrossthePond55]

I 'f'ing hate 'spontaneity'. My DH's idea of spontaneity is only when he feels like it and usually when I already have something planned. And then it's my job to sort out all the details for his 'spontaneous' idea.

I'd tell your DH that your 'spontaneous' idea is that we're going each pick 3 days to be primary parent/housekeeper during the next week. He can pick first.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

he's on holiday? You get holiday from work, NOT family responsibilities. If he thinks that he's able to excuse himself from all responsibilities, then ask him which half of the week is YOUR holiday? So that you have half the week with no responsibilities.

[Joysmum]

Do not enable him by doing things he ought to be doing now he's off work.

[Bogeyface]

I hate it when people who work out of the home say "I am on holiday"

No, you are not. You have taken a weeks annual leave from your job, that means you dont have to do your job for a week. And if you insist that it does in fact mean that, great. That means that those of use who work in the home (in whatever guise that may be) can have a weeks holiday too, and you can sort out everything I normally do while I sit on my arse, creating a mess and doing precisely fuck all.

Time to get fucking angry I think OP!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

My stbx did this. He would take a week off work and then basically moan if he was required to literally do ANYTHING around the house or for the dcs, saying "I'm on holiday, I want to relax..." Well, bully for you. I'm a SAHM, so when's MY holiday when I get to relax and YOU do everything?? He didn't have an answer for that.

OP Let me guess, when he's working, he doesn't help because he's tired from working, and when he's not working, he's proclaiming that either "it's my weekend" or "I'm on holiday." That was standard practice for stbx (one of the many reasons he is "stbx")

It's fucking lazy, that's what it is. Drag out that birth certificate, point to his name on it, and point out that child rearing/parenting responsibilities are JOINT responsibilities and he doesn't get a holiday from that - and those include the responsibility for the upkeep/maintenance of the household.

[Finola1step]

Was thinking about this last night.

In a couple of weeks, I will be on holiday from work for 5 weeks --guess my j