Should I apologise to DH- he wants a big apology

[Twotofive]

I've just had an argument with my DH (one of many recently). According to him I'm always at fault, but this argument has really touched a nerve for me so I just wanted to check on here before I have to give him a big apology.

I was just driving him to work and he was telling me how he was talking about our children in a presentation he did the other day. It was a talk about technology and he was telling the audience how our children are so used to iPads that they think books & magazines are broken and they keep swiping at them. I then said 'great, now everyone thinks our children sit on iPads all day'. He then got in such a strop with me going in about how negative I am etc. he then made me stop the car, slammed the door & walked the rest of the way.

I am offended as our children don't swipe at books and magazines! 2 of them are 15 months and never use the ipad and our 3 year old isn't stupid. I read them plenty of books.

Hes just sent me a text message about how awful I am to him. But this has really upset me & I don't want to give him an apology but he will be expecting one.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I am with you on that one! What a knobbish thing to say. Pandering to popular opinion for a laugh at your kids' expense.

And you can quote me on that one.

[Twotofive]

I think his reaction has upset me more than what he said in the speech. But how can he expect me to laugh about making our children look silly to 100 people!

[Paloma12]

I think you sound whingey and negative, to be honest.

[rosepetalsoup]

I think he was probably nervous about the talk and said it as a joke, and knows your kids aren't like that. He probably feels he can't do anything right and that you are always looking for something to criticise. I'd apologise, and then you might find he will apologise in return for his comment, which was knobbish, but probably not sincere.

[samthewolf]

Agree with Paloma. And why are you so concerned if they don't actually do it. He was saying it to illustrate a point, no one actually cares what your children do except you.

[Tinkleybison]

Erm - why would you apologise? It sounds like you had a difference of opinion, surely that's allowed? His reaction sounds totally OTT.

[Nomama]

Woah! Serious sense of humour fail!

Personally I think you do need to apologise. He made a joke, conjured up a mental image of today's IT savvy/book dumb kids and you took offence.

I think I can imagine the tone of voice, the body language and the glare that accompanied your short sentence. He probably views you with as much affection as a cut thumb views lemon juice.

You have upset him. I get that he has upset you. But why are your offended feelings more important than his? You both need to calm down and get over it. Have a chat and see if he has a point. Are you always effectively saying 'no'? If so , why? What has got you into that routine?

[Butterflyspring]

does he always get in a strop if you disagree with him? I think that is the issue here - not iPads and books. He sounds like a petulant child tbh.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

To me it sounds as though he made a joke at the presentation using 'my children' as the butt of the joke. You took it 100% seriously and saw it as offensive. I don't think either of you were in the wrong at that point. What subsequently happened - strops, car-stopping, door slamming and so forth - was an over-reaction.

However I think that reaction says more about the quality of your relationship and your compatibility as individuals than it does about the specific exchange. You seem to be on very different pages. Is this typical of how you relate to each other?

[sunbathe]

He used your kids for a cheap laugh. He knows he was in the wrong, that's why he was so stroppy.

'Whingey and negative'! Not at all.

[murphys]

Was he not using the term "our" children as a generalisation of the era that our children live in. From what you wrote there, that is how I would understand it.

[ShatnersBassoon]

It's him that would have looked silly I think. Nobody would have actually believed him, and they would have seen it was a lame attempt to look kinda cool

He said something stupid, and didn't like it when that was pointed out to him, which is normal. But no need to apologise for stating the obvious to him. He's cross with himself for being a dick in front of colleagues and not having realised.

[madamweasel]

That 'joke' about kids and technology has been done to death and if I was in that presentation I'd be disappointed he'd not come up with something original.

However, it sounds like it's the background and the context of the conversation that led to the bad atmosphere. I think DH and I could play out the same conversation without the argument and stroppy ness.

I wouldn't apologise but I would want to prompt a proper sit down and meaningful conversation about the "many" recent arguments and his belief that you're awful to him. With little kids you're probably both shattered and stressed and haven't been your usual selves recently. Any chance someone can watch the kids while you both go for a walk together and have a chance to talk?

[WorkingBling]

You are definitely being over sensitive and a bit whingy, sorry. When DH and I got together, he used to get upset and offended by the silliest things. It nearly made us break up because I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I'd make an innocent comment or joke and it would turn into WW3. You do sound a bit like that I'm afraid.

I think you should apologise. I also think you should think carefully about whether you are too quick to get upset about things and perhaps consider why that is? Is there an underlying issue that needs to be addresssed?

[Hassled]

I think you were a bit tetchy and probably needn't have said anything, and I think he massively overreacted. If you were my kids I'd tell you you both have to apologise to each other.

But this sounds like tip of the iceberg stuff - you're too quick to see the bad in him, he's too quick to have a strop. Do you get any quality time alone, enjoying each other's company?

[Twotofive]

I'm concerned because I don't like the fact that he basically told 100 people my kids don't know what a book is!

[WildBillfemale]

Honestly? I think he was just making a light hearted attempt at humour to brighten up a presentation.....A presentation on technology and he was simply acknowledging what all adults know, that children are far more technologically literate than their parents.

No-one is going to think your kids are silly, no-one would have taken the quip seriously for a second.

I think you have over reacted.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think in isolation, what you said was no big deal and he really overreacted.

If there is a bigger context of you being consistently negative and critical, then perhaps it was just one comment too much. But in that case, it shouldn't be about you apologising for this one remark, there should be a broader discussion about your relationship and how to change the dynamics.

Sometimes people are too negative but sometimes also partners act in ways that make it difficult not to be critical.

What else is going on in your relationship right now? You say you're arguing a lot.

[murphys]

Was he not using the term "our" children as a generalisation of the era that our children live in. From what you wrote there, that is how I would understand it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He made a joke.. The same way no-one really thought Les Dawson's 'MIL' was a woman so awful that when she entered the house the mice threw themselves on the traps.... no-one at that presentation actually thinks your DCs are thick or that you're a bad parent.

[Annarose2014]

Yes I also suspect it was a joke, and the people he was presenting to laughed. And I vwry much doubt any of them were intended to believe it, or did.

But he mentions it off hand and your reaction IS negative. And an overreaction, tbh. It sounds like you must have been in a bad mood already, or are very quick to jump to being narky.

Getting out of the car was an overreaction too, but if the two of you were arguing like mad trapped in a car I can see why he did it.

The main issue seems to be that you two are arguing so much - not a great atmosphere for the kids. Do you even like each other anymore?

[basgetti]

He made a bad joke, you had a bad reaction to it. But storming out of the car, slamming doors and demanding an apology is way over the top, I wouldn't apologise to him.

[fourforksache]

I think it sounds a stupid & not believable thing for him to have said & if he were my H he would not be getting an apology of any sort, I'd just be laughing at him for thinking such a trite comment was appropriate for a presentation.

And the storming off & demanding apologies smacks of a massive ego & tosserishness.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with the PP.... when you're not getting on with someone, everything they say irritates and nothing they say is funny any more.

[tumbletumble]

Looking at this incident in isolation, I think you were in the wrong - he was talking about a presentation to 100 people that he was presumably nervous about / proud of etc, and wanted you to be impressed and supportive rather than pick up on one bit and say something negative about it. I can see why that was annoying for him.

However it sounds like there are deeper issues here. Have you considered a marriage course to improve communication between you?