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I can't remember the last time we had enjoyable sex

(32 Posts)
C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:18:03

Actually yes, it will have been 4 years ago .

My problems having sex now are -

6 weeks after dd1 he made me have sex because his mate, the army doctor, said 6 weeks post birth was 'normal'. I had stitches but he made me because his doctor mate said so. I had to go and be restiched.

After Dd2 he had 6 weeks in his head and that was THE date he could do it again. Forced again. The doctor at my post natal clinic asked if I wanted to call the police.

Dd3 and he was away for 6 months, he came back when I was 8 months pregnant and had looked after 2 babies for 6 months. He made me have sex every night because he'd been away.

This is 30 years later and the trauma in my heart is overwhelming. He got very cross today but I can't explain that 30yrs of forced sex has driven me mad.

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:19:46

I don't want sex again in my life but how do we go forward as a married couple?

RhondaJean Sun 29-Jun-14 00:21:26

Do you want to go forward with him?

weatherall Sun 29-Jun-14 00:22:13

So sorry.

Maybe call rape crisis for some support.

Oh and ltb, obviously.

I hope he ends up in jail.

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow Sun 29-Jun-14 00:27:11

Oh god. 30 years? You poor soul.
Please at least call women's aid for some advice.

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:27:52

This was years ago and he he used to go on about 'conjugal rights' and I fucking believed I had to do it.

I'm just getting a very delayed reaction.

Custardo Sun 29-Jun-14 00:30:09

why are you with him
has he raped you for 30 years?

Anomaly Sun 29-Jun-14 00:34:05

Please call somone, rape crisis or women's aid will both be able to help you. Speak to your GP as well. Keep posting if it helps.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

The thing that screams out from your posts is that you do not use the word 'rape'. He has raped you. Repeatedly. I am so so sorry that you have been betrayed so much by the one person supposed to love and cherish you.

Please call rape crisis. Please keep talking to us. You need to find your anger, your fury, and you need to leave. You did not deserve this, cause this, and you are not responsible for this. You need to know that this is absolutely not okay.

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:38:17

No, not rape. I just zoned out and took £20 out of the bank account.
That was my way of coping. But I got into bed this morning for a hug. I just wanted a hug and he groped my boobs and tried to stick his finger up me but I jumped out of bed and ran 'to feed the cats'. I do feel a bit sorry for him as he hasn't had sex in months.

alphabook Sun 29-Jun-14 00:38:55

This is absolutely horrendous, I'm speechless. Excellent advice from the others, I don't even know what to say. It is completely trite but I just wish I could give you a hug.

Madlizzy Sun 29-Jun-14 00:41:08

Don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for yourself. Sex without your consent is rape.

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:42:28

What's wrong now us the timing. I wish I'd been so much stronger then.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 29-Jun-14 00:42:54

No sweetheart, no. He has raped you. He is continuing to rape you. Forced sex is rep and it is illegal within a marriage now (although it probably wasn't 30 years ago but it is now and you don't need to put up with it).

Do you want to move forward with your relationship? It's not compulsory you know smile. How do you see the next 5/10/20 years of your life panning out?

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:47:21

I've told him that he's raped me but he is shocked. Hhe thought (1979) that marriage meant sex on tap.

Anomaly Sun 29-Jun-14 00:49:35

What's wrong with you both now is that one of you is a rapist. You were stronger then and he abused you until you're boundaries are where they are today very skewed. It was not your fault then and its not your fault now. You are not to blame.

Please talk to someone. I know its scary but you really need to.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 29-Jun-14 00:50:07

Op I'm sorry love

You have been repressing all this for years, it wants to come out I'm afraid once it starts to it won't be told to stop, you've not dealt with it, it is now demanding that you do. thanks

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:51:39

My mum was hopeless then ( not now at all) with the 'things you have to do in a marriage'.

C0rdelia Sun 29-Jun-14 00:57:21

The funny thing is that we thought those were our roles. His upbringing taught him one way, my upbringing accepted it. Only in the last few years do I keep getting flashbacks.

I'm sorry this happened to you op. It was rape. You shouldn't think this is okay because it's not. Rape within marriage was criminilised in 1985 so even in the eyes of the law what he has been doing to you has been illegal for the majority of your marriage. Of course, it was always immoral.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire Sun 29-Jun-14 06:33:26

Do you want to be with him? Some peace in the latter part of your life might be a valuable thing. How old are you?

You were badly abused.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 29-Jun-14 07:05:51

It's not too late to seek help for yourself. Even if it started 30 years ago you're clearly still suffering from the experience and - worse - it's still happening. You shouldn't feel sorry for him in the slightest. He has set up a dynamic of repeated sexual coercion and abuse that means you can't relax in your own bed.

I think you'd benefit from counselling. You seem very self-aware in the sense that you realise you were sold the lie of 'lie back and think of England'. But I think you now need to work out why you're still with this man, behaving as he continues to do.

weatherall Sun 29-Jun-14 11:26:57

It's not too late.

Leave.

Be happy.

Contact wa/rc.

Fairylea Sun 29-Jun-14 11:30:46

It's never too late. Never.

Post traumatic shock can occur years after an event. It doesn't make it any less real or any less justified.

Please call womens aid and speak to them. You only have one life. Don't waste it on this abuser.

Fairylea Sun 29-Jun-14 11:32:04

(My first husband did exactly the same thing as yours 6 weeks after the birth of our dd. That was 11 years ago now. I left when she was 6 months old and have been married twice since - ! - now with my third husband and finally very happy. It's never worth staying with someone who treats you like shit).

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