Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What do you do in this situation?

(31 Posts)
AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 20:39:14

Do you think it is a good idea to forgive an EX who did bad things?

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, in the hope that with his mental health diagnosis at the time and being around the person he was/is and given the informaiton he was at the time, he genuinely believed what he was told. As he was convinced I was someone I am not, he felt he had a reason to be so dreadful towards me.

I have named changed for this.

The story is a long complicated one.

Basically, I think I am able to forgive him. I think the balance of his mind was not as it should have been, when he did things. I have no idea how his mental health is now. I am not sure how he is going to cope with the informaiton he is going to be given. I have been his scapegoat for a long time now. He is going to be presented with information to show he and the person who helped him see things differently hmm were wrong.

I am not sure if it will cause all hell to break loose in his life or if he will go after me again.

I have to get this out, regardless, for complicated reasons.

How should I present this to him?

He will not be with the person when he finds out properly.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 28-Jun-14 20:48:00

This is rather out of context. I know you're being cautious to prevent being outed, but it's kind of vague and hard to give any kind of advice on.

I'm curious. When you say "forgive" are you meaning just actually forgive and move on? Or forgive and get back together? Two very very different things....

lovemenot Sat 28-Jun-14 20:50:31

Agree that it's rather vague.....but if you think "he might go after you again" I would be very, very careful.

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 21:02:47

Cringe at get back to gether, I mean move on forgive. I have moved on and I would not be able to be with someone like my ex again. I just want the truth out.

I do worry this may tip the pair of them over the edge. Their relationship has been based on me being the bad guy and he is going to learn that I am not. What he is going to do with that I do not know. He had a diagnosis of an adjustment disorder after he started to see her, apparently he had never seen a psychiatrist until he got with her. She has a degree in social psychology and messed up an already messed up Man in my opinion. She has a history of having relationships with mentally ill Men.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Sat 28-Jun-14 21:10:15

If you truly forgive him, then no, don't throw a hand grenade into his current relationship just so that you can feel vindicated. If she has lied to him, he will find out soon enough. Coming from you it will just sound like sour grapes. Let them get on with it, move on in every sense and let it go. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you.

Bogeyface Sat 28-Jun-14 21:12:21

Somethings are better left in the past.

It sounds like this has nothing to do with what is right for him but for your need to cleared of the accusation of "bad guy". Well that may or not happen but think about it, is the possible damage and fall out really worth doing something that may not make you feel better?

His GF sounds like a nightmare, but that is his problem. He treated you badly and you have escaped, be grateful that he is no longer in your life and move on. You dont have to tell him you have forgiven him and if you do then you may actually make things worse.

He dug himself this whole with the help of his "rescuer" let him get himself out of it.

MorrisZapp Sat 28-Jun-14 21:14:23

You don't sound as if you have moved on. What form would forgiving him take, if you aren't together and he's with somebody else anyway?

Are you planning to ask to see him to say I forgive you? I doubt there's any need, just move on and let him cope with whatever mayhem he has caused.

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sat 28-Jun-14 21:15:10

Just move on and stop giving this head space.

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 21:17:54

He is finding out as it is part of a court case.

It is not all her fault. A Dr mislead him who has since accepted they were wrong and apologised. She obviously got her knickers in a twist as did his legal team.

I was so busy being upset for me and the children, that it was only recently I realised he was a victim of it all too. He was called a bad parent, as well as I had when he lived with us. He was told our children were at fault. None of that was true, it was Dr's passing the buck instead of saying I don't know what is wrong, they blamed us. Dr's simply didn't understand at the time and were wrong about things. They do know now and I have the proof. He left I guess as he could not cope with it all and with what Dr's had said and with her stuff, his brain got warped I guess and he got very ill. I guess inside he knew there was something wrong, he knew I was not bad, and he had Dr's and this woman telling him something else, no wonder he had a breakdown. I think it is important that he knows he was let down too, for him in the long term.

Optimist1 Sat 28-Jun-14 21:29:33

I think you should let him find out during the court case - not tell him yourself. It sounds a complex state of affairs and since you've managed to move on it would probably be better for you not to look back.

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 21:33:25

It is a court case he asked for. We are both self representing and I was just going to explain to him he was let down too, and that I will give him the benefit of the doubt. That he was mislead and was mentally ill. That I forgive him.

I think once he sorts it out in his head, it may help the children who have had no Father for years, at some stage in the future. That is my hope.

MorrisZapp Sat 28-Jun-14 21:34:31

It's too vague to advise really. Will you be called to speak at this court case?

I'm guessing he did some bad stuff and you think his new partner made him do it?

I doubt there's much you could tell him that he wouldn't already know.

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 21:40:04

He will understand that he did his best when he lived with us to get the children well, he will understand that the Dr's who made him think he was a bad parent were blaming him for their lack of understanding, that me and the children were not to blame. He will know their diagnosis and that the Dr's were wrong before and that we were not bad after all. That he wasted all that hatred and money on nothing.

She is his employer and neither of them will pay the CSA money. It needs to stop all this bad feeling it is hurting everyone.

As we are self representing I will be the solicitor person speaking, so yes I can say within reason what I like.

I don't think she made him do things, I think she has her own issues and it suited her for things to go this way. Just like it suited his legal teams pocket tens of thousands of pounds later for things to go that way.

It did him or us no good. Any time I see him in court he tells us all how unhappy he is.

Bogeyface Sat 28-Jun-14 21:40:51

You are both self representing so is this something to do with divorce/access etc? Either way, if what you have to say has relevance to the case and is true then say it. The fall out is no longer your problem and if him "going after" you again means violence or any kind of abuse/harassment then go to the police.

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 21:42:16

Yes it will be relevant to the case.

I don't know what he can do to me, confused you name it, it has been done to us already. sad

MorrisZapp Sat 28-Jun-14 21:42:55

In a court case all you have to do is answer the questions and tell the truth. The rest is up to him.

Bogeyface Sat 28-Jun-14 21:43:38

She is his employer and neither of them will pay the CSA money

If she is his employer and is refusing to put an order in place on his earnings to pay the CSA then it is up to them to take her to court, it has nothing to do with him really as the responsibility for paying is now in her hands. What are the CSA doing about it?

Sorry, its just that I genuinely dont understand what this court case is for. The CSA make an assessment, he doesnt pay they slap a deduction of earnings order on him, she doesnt put it in place and they take her to court and she will be fined. Why do either of you need to go to court?

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 21:45:08

CSA are for the second time launching a team, I can't remember their name, I hold no hope of anything happening positive.

He has not been paying the court order from the divorce and is trying to get it stopped.

Cabrinha Sat 28-Jun-14 22:35:20

You need to get over him, and fast.
Just take him to court for the maintenance, and leave bit at that.

I can't tell from your posts whether the court case is some medical negligence thing, a divorce, or unpaid maintenance issue!

What I can tell is that he's a whole heap of trouble and not your responsibility.

AgathaAndTheDog Sat 28-Jun-14 22:42:54

What I can tell is that he's a whole heap of trouble and not your responsibility. I could not agree with you more.

I am happy with things as they are for me. I just want the truth out and the bad feeling gone as it is hurting people, and it is based on things that are not real and misunderstandings. It is that, that I struggled for a long time to move on from, as it kept causing trouble for me and the children. I feel I am nearly at acceptance with it all now, that is why I am coming to terms with it and realising that he was mislead too. I hated the Man for years for what he put us through. I don't hate him anymore so that is a good thing, all it did was eat me up inside.

AgathaAndTheDog Sun 29-Jun-14 09:56:39

I am just bumping to see what others think.

He started a new court case, as he is not paying a court order and wants it to be stopped. He gave up his well paid career to work in a low paying low skilled position.

Hughfearnley Sun 29-Jun-14 11:15:16

I'm afraid there is just not enough detail in your post to give really helpful advice.
It sounds like a mess.
I would suggest only saying in court hard facts. If you have really moved on from this you would do very well not to dredge up the emotional side if this and I would avoid "you were a victim" etc etc
Stick to the facts to get any maintenance decision then walk away. No good can possibly come from stirring up emotive issues on either your side or his. It's very likely that the court will want to stick to the facts and will not be interested in whether you think he was also a victim in this....

Nomama Sun 29-Jun-14 15:23:32

Hold on...

... I think you are saying that there was a series of misunderstandings, some accidental due to lack of knowledge in medical and legal teams, some not so much. Your ex was left thinking you and the kids are demons and the cause of his ill health/enforced life change. New woman is his boss and was partly to blame for planting such ideas and is now colluding with him not to pay CSA - which he has not paid to date and this case is him trying to get it stopped.

You want to say as much in court to show him he has wasted his time hating you so that you can all be happy ever after. Well... you can say so and he will hear you blame everyone else for you being a witch, one who is now trying to make him look deluded and ill in court so she can continue to steal his money... which he has not got any more.

Or you can simply say that whatever happened in the past was sad, you wish him well but want him to live up to his responsibilities - providing for his kids.

I think you need to put the martyrdom down... it is hurting you more than it needs to. Let it all go. Let him work on it for himself, you don't owe him any explanation or road to clarity. Let it go!

AgathaAndTheDog Sun 29-Jun-14 15:47:56

Nomama, you have got it and worded it so well.

So you think I should just repeat the first two lines of your first paragraph, then say I am sad, wish him well and now would like him to live up to his responsibilities?

AgathaAndTheDog Sun 29-Jun-14 15:49:35

Except the court case is not to do with the CSA, the court case is to do with divorce maintenance from when he was well paid.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now