Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Flying Monkeys causing massive anxiety.(73 Posts)
I've posted before about going NC with Narcissist SiL.
She's already started texting DP asking why I'm no longer on FB (I am but she's been blocked as she writes nasty comments) and why I haven't responded to her (3) texts.
It's because I need to group. I was suicidal after her last visit. Actually suicidal. I have depression and anxiety and her bullying was just too much for me to cope with.
She was also pretty vile to DS, very unpleasant to him and about him.
DP just text back that he didn't know. He does know. I've told him and he's fine with it. He just didn't know what else to say. If he told the truth she'd laugh about how ridiculous the idea of her being a bully is and turn herself into the victim.
I've missed a call from MiL (who lives with SiL - they're very co-dependent) this morning.
She hasn't called me for weeks because she wanted us to lend her money and we didn't have any to give her. She then called twice at times when she knew I'd be asleep (work nights).
I'm terrified of calling back. I'm sure it's going to be a Flying Monkey scenario with her wanting to know why I'm not speaking to her precious daughter.
Do I just be honest? Explain the above, explain how SiL makes me feel and how I can't deal with her at the moment? Or will that just give SiL more power?
I've mentioned that many of SiL's friends and family have ditched her because of her behaviour. MiL is more than aware. Is there any chance she'd understand?
And now SiL is calling me!
For all they know I'm asleep, not just dodging their calls.
I'm hating this.
And they're going to call DP at work and cause all kinds of trouble then I'll feel both crap and guilty.
Honestly? I think your DP needs to wise up and deal with this. I would defend my DH against any nasty behaviour from my (now NC) sister and I know he'd do the same for me. It's HIS family that is upsetting his partner so it's time he protected you, especially after the last situation making you so ill. Don't phone them and put yourself in another upsetting situation, tell him to sort it.
You don't have to put up with this. You don't have to take their calls and you don't have to tell them why.
As you have suggested, if you try to explain it will end up in pointless arguments.
Your DP must be your support in this. Get him to tell them to leave you alone.
If they persist in contacting you against your wishes there is a legal remedy - it's harassment. But if your DP does what he should that won't be necessary.
Unplug the phone and try to relax. Watch TV, read a book but don't let the feckers get to you.
Keep strong and ignore both of them. Is there any chance you can change your number or unplug your landline while your DP is out? Find ways to protect yourself. You don't need to have any relationship with these people so detach from them. Think up some form of words for your DP to use eg "there's nothing KingJ needs to talk to SiL about today." Keep it bland and neutral. You are busy and there is nothing to talk about as you are not doing anything together.
Don't be afraid. All SIL has are words. You have words too and you can choose to use them, or not.
You have a choice how you feel about your SIL. You can choose to let her intimidate you or you can just disengage. Go neutral on her.
Don't ring them back - you don't have to. Your dh can call his mum, or she can call him.
Your dh's answer was perfect - your SiL is looking for drama and 'I don't know' doesn't feed that. Let her ring him at work- he can handle it. Tell him you don't want to know about it though - you shouldn't need to hear what she says, or what MiL says about the situation.
Switch your phone off. Don't check it. Go and do something to take your mind off it. Every time you find yourself thinking about it, tell yourself 'I'm not gong to think about this til Aug 1st' and stop (this is hard at first but it really works.
She cannot have a relationship with you unless you agree. This is just starting to dawn on her and she's pissed off. Not your problem and in time she will move on to another victim
I don't have a landline, just my mobile.
I don't want to go NC with MiL, she's mostly okay.
It's just SiL, she treats me with nothing but contempt and constantly puts me down.
I'm actually shaking now at the thought of even speaking to her. She's so unpleasant to me.
DP is so used to the way she speaks to people that I don't think he notices. He's said a couple of times that SiL thinks she knows about everything and can be a bitch - he's not totally blind to it. I just don't think it affects him the way it affects me.
Good for you for blocking Sil from Facebook and not responding to her texts.
This is the start of your new way of dealing with her.Do not engage on any level .You dont have to have anything to do with either of them .What can they actually do?
They will both scream and bleat and cause a scene .And then what? When the screaming is ovet and you still havent engaged with them you will be calm(ish) and they will not have provoked you.
You could look at it in the long term rather than at each interaction with them.Imagine what it would be like if they werent calling,visiting,texting.This is what you are aiming for and you start by not engaging with them
DH will have to bear the brunt if he wishes to continue but that is his choice and battle .You have your own to concentrate on.
You don't have to go NC with your MiL, maybe just avoid speaking to her for a day or two. Honestly, don't sit at home shaking, go to a cafe and read the paper, go out and buy a present for the next person in your family to have a birthday, do the job round the house you've been putting off for ages, read through some threads on here and give advice to 3 people - anything really, just don't think about your SiL.
OP, what do you mean 'mostly ok'?
Bardarianmum. That's good advice about coming on here and giving advice to three people. I must remember that one when I'm feeling shit.
OP, turn your phone off or turn it down so you can't hear it and put it out of reach so you don't keep looking at it. Text your husband and tell him you won't be answering your phone so that he doesn't panic if he wants to speak to you.
DP's pretty good at just ignoring her.
She only really texts/calls him when she wants something or to make a dig. And she's actually told me several times that when she calls him he never answers - not sure what to make of that.
On a busy Saturday it's unlikely that he'll be answering his phone anyway. If they google his store number he'll just be pissed off at them.
Plus, he knows I lie in on a Saturday (not today, woken by phone) so he'd probably just tell them I was asleep.
Despite MiL ignoring us we did send her a birthday present last week, DP spoke to her and I text (was on a training course that day) and she text back.
They live a long way away so luckily the phone is all they have.
And they're both hot headed so sitting down to write a letter is unlikely. The fact that SiL called rather than texting suggests some kind of impulsive mood.
Still fucked off though. I've been nothing but nice since the day I met her about 9 years ago.
I do not deserve this kind of shit.
OP, what do you mean 'mostly ok'?
Histrionic. Prone to weird mood changes. Likes to be the centre of attention.
Odd relationship with SiL. One minute says how wonderful she is and the next minute says how fed up she is with her and want her to leave.
Always wants money from us. Asks/hints very frequently. Which we don't have. I had a large inheritance recently which paid for half our house - I think she thought a chunk of it was coming her way.
But not actually a bad person. Accepted my DS as her grandchild without a second thought and can be very, very generous.
Both weird with money, though. Lots of debt, bailiffs knocking, etc.
JUST SHUT UP AND THINK.....
Got your attention? Good.
Your SIL is a deeply unhappy woman, she is, according to you, losing friends, know that her brother won't take her calls and has cottoned on to you because you still respond to her.
STOP BEING SO DAFT!
She can have no power over you if you just switch her off. Your DH supports you, so just do it. Don't receive any of her texts, calls, anything. Just delete, unread. Should she catch you unawares just say 'No. I am not having this conversation' and put the phone down.
Change her ring tone on your phone and don't let it go to voicemail. Switch her off unanswered, decline her call, so she knows. She will get right royally angry, but she will have to deal with it cos no-one else is listening.
I know it works, it is how I got rid of my poisonous SIL....
Totally agree with the deeply unhappy bit. She has a HUGE list of stuff she wants but doesn't understand why she can't have it.
I don't intend to break the No Contact. It's gone too far now. I did try it once before but caved after a week.
I have my own issues (ASD, anxiety, OCD, ADHD) so never know if my responses are 'normal'. The fact that so many other people have had to drop is reassuring that I've made the right choice.
I've been a different person this last month. I've been so chilled out and happy. I honestly had no idea of the affect she was having on me.
Was honestly like being under fire.
Yes, everything that Nomama says above.
If MIL starts bleating on etc, could you just very bluntly tell her that you're not having a conversation about it?
You first. Every time. So in every situation involving your inlaws, think 'What can I cope with?' And that us what you do. Block her so she can't call you if it will reduce your anxiety.
How about blocking her number ?
No contact does absolutely sound like the right thing to do in your situation. Don't feed the drama, don't make any statement s about what SIL has done, just be totally unavailable.
I might be tempted to send MIL a brief text saying that you're sorry you missed her call, you're crazy busy with work stuff so will catch up another day - then turn off your phone.
My voicemail feature is always turned off, so a missed call is just that. My phone is nearly always on silent too, only had the sound turned on because I was waiting for a delivery yesterday and the blokes said they'd call when nearby.
I'm just tired of it.
They don't need me. DS has his own phone so MiL could call that if she wanted to speak to him (he was playing Angry Birds on it earlier so I know it's turned on), she knows I sleep Saturdays because I work the Saturday night shift.
And I don't understand why SiL would want to speak to me. She's made it clear she doesn't like me (or DS). Why would you call someone you didn't like?
It isn't you, no matter how may issues you have going on.
My SIL made life hell for years. I was clinging to the be polite and it will all go away line. It didn't and one day DH and I had a huge argument and he literally screamed at me 'Well, tell her to fuck off then!' - so I did
Then had to resort to the blanking, saying no, and switching her off mid ring. I smirked every time I did it... and she eventually stopped.
That just left me and DH to discuss how the hell he had never noticed and why it took him so long to help me get rid of her.... turns out she was so unimportant to him he just sort of shrugged off everything she said or did and didn't realise I wasn't doing the same.
I haven't been abjectly polite to anyone since. It makes a huge difference to your life, realising that you aren't required to be nice to everyone all the time!
Can't block a number, I've tried.
If she does get abusive (might have that to come, we've had Hoovering and Flying Monkeys) and sends anything unpleasant I can get a crime reference number and Vodafone will block it.
I remember a previous thread about your SIL coming to stay and wanting 'brother-sister' time... she really is something else. Have you seen her again since then?
Stay strong... You don't have to call her back or speak to her at all.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.