Hurt that ex has been dating? Why?

[Ships99]

I separated six months ago from my Husband. Together 14 years. 2DDs. I left because of long history of him being unsupportive and uncaring, financially controlling and generally I was lonely and unhappy. We lived separate lives in the same house and I was relieved to get out of the miserable situation I was in.
Since then, I've have been on dates and met other people. Yesterday I found out he has been dating and I feel a bit heartbroken TBH. I'm annoyed that he has our 2DDs on his three profile photos. I've asked him to remove the photos of the kids.
I feel like I've been quite strong through the whole situation but cried a lot today and felt like I was unable to stop at one point.
The emotion I felt shocked me and I was annoyed that I was so bothered by the whole thing. It feels like the attention and nice words I was so desperate for, and begged for for years and never got, are now being spent on somebody else.... From a man who has never been able to show such emotion. He never bothered much with the kids or me for almost a decade and now he's like a male version of Mary Poppins.
I feel so upset. He's away for the weekend. The kids are with me. I'm awake and crying. What the hell is wrong with me?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a combination of vanity, regret and a feeling of finality. Vanity in the sense that few of us like to be replaced, no matter how crappy the relationship was. Regret because seeing his online advert would have reminded you that there was a time in your relationship when he was loving, attentive and all the other things that eventually died. And then the finality.... if there had been even a smidgeon of hope in you that there might be a miraculous reconciliation (and I wonder why you were looking up his profile?), knowing that he has moved on is the end of that.

Do something nice with your DCs today. It'll pass...

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I think you are assuming that he has changed in any way. He won't have; it will all be bluff and bluster - you know the real person and that's why you left.

[flappityfanjos]

You got to know the real him, and you left. It's easy for someone to be all attentive and charming in the first stages of dating, much harder for them to maintain the facade over years. His dating profile is how he wants to be seen, not how he really is as a long-term partner. There's no way he's actually transformed in six months into some adoring family man.

I totally understand the hurt. You were his wife, his affection and kindness should have been for you, and he held them back. Now he's offering them to other people. But you know that when reality hits he's a pretty shit deal. What you and his dates are seeing is his idea of his best self. You've been behind the scenes, so to speak - don't make yourself miserable wondering why you didn't deserve what's on the stage. It's all fake.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Agree with Funky he will be the exact same miserable person to the next poor woman.

I hope you find someone lovely who fulfils you.

[todayisnottheday]

Why can't he have a picture of his kids as his profile picture? You are ex, you can't dictate this stuff any more.

As for the dating it sounds like delayed grieving over the end of a relationship. It's pretty natural to grieve at some point but sometimes you're so happy to be out it takes a while for the grief to hit and it takes a trigger to set it off.

Allow yourself your moment to mourn what might have been (that rose tinted hope you had when you started the relationship) then remind yourself that all that didn't happen because ..... and move on. You are on the road to a new, happy, fulfilling life, don't let a bout of delayed grief make you question that!

[Pinkballoon]

He won't be any different to any new women. They'll just be treated the way that you were.

[wyrdyBird]

I think it's pretty normal to feel upset, Ships99, even if the relationship ended amicably (which it clearly didn't). It may feel irrational, since the relationship is over - but since when were feelings rational.

Don't worry; and don't mistake the public face for the private man. As PP have said, if Mr Mary Poppins was uncaring, financially controlling and unsupportive, that is the package still on offer.

Hope life feels better soon.

[arsenaltilidie]

It doesn't matter what he will be with his new woman. Unless you want to get back together, he is in the past now.

The choice is yours, you can waste you mental energy worrying about him or you can look to the future, maybe scary but at least you won't feel alone ignored etc.

[VitoCorleone]

People rarely change their true selves, he may be all hearts and flowers to the next woman for a while but he will ultimately show his true colours

[Ships99]

I think that leaving him made me feel stronger and more assertive (for the first time in 14 years) and feeling upset this weekend made me feel a bit like the victim :/
I feel better today. Got lots planned to keep busy. No more wallowing about a man who never cared for me in the first place!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Glad you've rationalised it. Breaking up with someone - however right it might be - is very painful and the effects are quite long-lasting. Even a long time afterwards, something can unexpectedly hit an exposed nerve and bring back a few unwanted feelings. It's just part of the process. You'll be OK. :)

[Ships99]

And now I'm doubting my reasons to leave... Stupidly thinking I still love him. I told him I feel sad about the future and what's happened between us. He said he as no feelings for me and "is done"... That's hurts!

[Ships99]

Tonight I've found that he is on pof. I feel heartbroken all over again.... Why does this hurt so much?

[kaykayblue]

I think it's because you don't have enough confidence in yourself or your decisions. You clearly didn't take the decision to leave lightly, you were desperately unhappy with him, but now it's clear that you are both moving on (you've been dating too!) you are doubting your decision.

Just have faith in yourself. You weren't happy with him. There is probably a part of you that does still love him, but that will never change the fact that you relationship was awful, and that's probably never going to change even if you got back together.

I suggest you stop trolling his profiles and just let him be. It's always painful when the separation becomes real, but it's normal.