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Pregnant and single :((344 Posts)
Long story which I will try to condense as much as possible...I'm 38 and met a guy 4 months ago who is the same age. We met online and had an amazing first date which lasted 8 hours long. On the 2nd date we had another great time, but he told me he has a Visa for Australia. He was upfront and honest with me and said he plans to live there for good (he is from the UK) we said we would continue the relationship for the next 6 months before he leaves to see if it would blossom and then make a decision about whether he would stay and wait for me.
The next 3-4 months were great, a bit up and down whenever we brought up oz and naturally I was worried about getting in to deep emotionally if he would just up and leave at any stage. He instigated a lot of the relationship and dictated the speed etc, he took me away for a wonderful weekend, booked us a holiday away in the south of france. Was amazing. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, he was very attractive and had a great personality. He slowly introduced me to his close friends and brother (I didn't really introduce him to many of my close friends) according to his friend he hadnt done this before.
About 2 months into the relationship I confessed my feelings and told him I loved him, he said he wasnt sure if he was in love me yet. But continued the relationship anyway. About 3 weeks before we split up when I was about to break up with him because he wasn't being forthcoming with his plans for oz he told me he loved me. So I felt over the moon, was elated!
We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk. We spoke about our desire to have kids all the time. He made it clear he wanted children and didn't seem phased that if he was to stay with me we would have to think about starting a family sooner rather than later (I made this clear to him when I first started dating him)
Anyway a week before we split up we visited his visa lawyer to discuss the possibility of us going to oz together in the future, after this he had a panic attack in the evening and broke up with me the next day.
Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it went down like a ton of bricks. He made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, said he shouldn't of told me he loved me as he doesn't love me, said he doesnt want this baby and asked me to have a termination.
I have decided to keep the baby and go it alone. I simply can't terminate at this age and I want the baby dearly. Though I would of preferred to be in a relationship!
I have a very supportive family and financially I will be fine.
The father is emotionally unstable so no idea what he will do. I truly suprised by his reaction as he went on about how much he wanted kids all the time and how he would make a great dad?! He spoke on holiday about what our kids would look like? I makes no sense whatsoever.
We are both from middle class families, his parents are both pyschologists (so I'm wondering if this is why he is so messed up?!) but I feel that I have been duped by a commitment phobe...
I own my own place, have pets etc. He lives in a flatshare with 5 other people, surfs and spends all his money travelling. He has never lived with a girl and the girls he has had relationships with he never loved. The only girl he properly loved he is still very close with 20 + years with, she lives in another country but they speak on skype all the time. It was unrequited love on his side, she isn't even aware that he loved her. He speaks about her fondly, thinks she is amazing and beautiful but it's very clear she isn't interested in him otherwise they would have got together years ago. Plus she is in a relationship with someone else. He sayd he no longer loves her...but I feel subconciously he still does.
He is seeking therapy now.
I think it's very sad this has happened. He has treated me terribly since I told him I was pregnant, he asked me to 'prove' my pregnancy by meeting him so he could do the test himself. Was utterly degrading and humiliating.
I have no idea what he will do now...maybe he will go to oz and leave us alone. Part of me hopes he will go. But another part of me would hope he wakes up to this and grows up. Deep down I know he desperatley wants a family and has a good heart, but he seems petrified/angry and feels I have trapped him.
Despite amazing support from friends and family, being pregnant for the first time and doing it on my own is lonely and daunting...
I'm only 6 weeks 4 days so still early days and I'm trying not to stress.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Do you think he will come around?
Nothing constructive to say but I didn't want to read and run so will do some hand holding until someone with wise words comes along shortly
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
From an initial read of your post- the prospect of a future together doesn't look probable. I think that as you recover from the shock you may wonder whether you would have wanted to be with him anyway.
I had a baby on my own; it was a distressing, traumatic time, due partly to the fact that DS's dad didn't fuck right off, but kept drifitng in and out playing with my head. Now, however, things are great- and have been for a long time.
I would write more, but the "D" S in question is poking me in the ribs with his toes and loudly demanding tea....
Stubborn are you with your partner now? Or did you get rid of him? I'm sure if things go well with the pregnancy and when the baby arrives I will have long forgetten about him? Hopefully! We were only together for 4 months at the end of the day x
Hi I just want to say congratulations on your pregnancy and it will be hard being on your own in some ways, but it others ways it's easier. I ended relationship with my DS dad when he was 5 months old, and it was hard in the evenings as it can be quite lonely but other than that spent lots of time with other new mums for that first year, single mums married mums
No, he was a horrible emotionally abusive, manipulative character;- he chucked me when he found out I was pregnant (after about a month! The briefest of flings! ). However, he kept on coming back throughout the pregnancy, swearing he'd support me etc etc,
getting a shag, weaseling his way into being there at the birth (and not being a lot of use), convincing me to move into his home and then giving me the silent treatment and finally disappearing- just not coming back- on my birthday, in freezing temperatures, leaving no fuel and the leccy run out, with a 4-week old to keep warm .
At which point I moved out, and didn't communicate with him for years, except the standard reply of offering to attend mediation every time I got the rare, over-emotionally guilt tripping text begging to see his son. (I would have been happy to facilitate him seeing DS- I just wanted to set up a regular contact agreement). Eventually, we recently did attend mediation;- he agreed to start seeing DS for a small period once a week- to work up to more- saw him 3 times and has now cut all contact again .
(Oops, essay, sorry!). FWIW, I'm now with someone else, who is lovely, and he and DS adore each other.
So, I would suggest, given my story, that your ex buggering off to Australia might not be the worst outcome.
You sound like you have a lot of support around you, and your own home? To be honest, although it seems incredibly daunting right now, it sounds like a good time for you to have a baby! I think our situation is much better than that of couples who have kids and then break up- no horrible, destructive rows in front of small children.....
Sorry he has turned out to be such a knob. Basically, it sounds like he's one of those men who is all full on and promises the earth at first but it's all superficial, no substance. Hence why he's ran away at the first sign of realness. You barely knew hi when you got pregnant and this is the real him.
Yes I have my own home in London. But I'm going to rent it out and move in with my parents out in the countryside, they are absolutley delighted! My sister lives very close by so will have all the support I need for a few years. I will go back to work after about 6 months or so, and will have on site childminders which is amazing. More then the average mother does, I'm extremely fortunate.
Stuborn, thanks for your story. I was really helpful I do worry about meeting someone if I have a child...I'm worried they will be put of?!
Huge congratulations on your pregnancy.
I was in a relatively similar position - new relationship and unplanned pregnancy. I told the guy, he was shocked and thought an abortion would be for the best. I knew I would not and could not do that, as soon as I was pregnant I knew I would continue. As I felt those thoughts it simply didn't matter what he did, I knew I would be ok. I hope you are feeling strong and positive for the future, you weren't to know his reaction. Best of luck x
To be honest, at our age, most of the men you meet have kids already. So many of them would almost prefer a woman who has kids, as they're going through the same stage in life...
ah ok that's good to know ;) thanks stubborn! x
Massive congrats on getting pregnant at 38!
So the dad is a tit, well it's not the end of the world, you sound like you have good support round you.
You don't say how old the father is, but old enough presumably that unprotected sex = babies.
I've never tried to get pregnant tbh so I was pretty shocked!
The father is the same age as me, but has man-child syndrome. Is a mummy's boy, cries at the drop of a hat. Very immature.
I had fallen out of love with my partner and separated before I found out I was pregnant, so in that sense I was in a better situation than you. But otherwise you sound like you are in a great position to have a child.
And really better a single mother is much better than having to deal with an eejit.
it sounds like you will be better off on your own. I have been with my partner for five years but when we startedseeing each other he told me he planned to move abroad (so why start a relationship or in your case sign up to internet dating sites?). In the end he didn't and likes to remind me of how he wished he had done more travelling. He always said how he wanted children, a big family and that we would get married etc. Last year I gave birth to our daughter and within three weeks he was having an affair. I was accused of trapping him with a house, mortgage and baby. He is totally useless as a father, has spent hardly any time with his daughter despite us still being together and living together and I am so scared he will continue to let our daughter down and that his damaging behaviour will affect her for the worse. With hindsight both me and baby would have been happier on our own. After all you can't miss what you never had. Plus just because you have a partner/ husband/ father of child 'by your side' does not mean that you will not be doing it alone! I havelonelier in this relationship than I have ever felt andthe stress and heartache caused by it has affected me and my daughter and made me utterly miserable at a time I should be at my happiest. Enjoy your time with your baby x
Awww I feel really bad for you I am so sorry. Men can be so awful. I think I am definitley better off on my own, at least this way I know what is in store for me rather then get a shock later down the line and be disappointed.
I really, really hope that you find happiness. Maybe you should walk away? x
Do you think he was putting on an act to get you into bed as you certainly don't think he is fatherhood and husband material now!
For someone with a good heart he sounds insufferable and tbh I wouldn't hang on hoping he is going to grow up any time soon. While he umms and aahs you have a pregnancy going on and a newborn to plan for. If you can manage financially I personally would think a permanent break and no flakey ex dithering in the background would give you peace of mind. Running away to Australia might seem like escaping responsibility to him but it will put safe distance between you and this weak individual. Good to know in advance you have lots of support.
As to meeting someone else in the future, there may be people who balk at taking on another man's child but plenty who won't. You just make sure that a potential partner knows you and DD/DS come as a package.
To be honest, I think everyone's being a bit harsh on the man here. I really do...
I think the OP has to take some resonsiblity for getting pregnant by a man she's only known for 4 months who had a visa to move permanently to another country who was living a completely carefree lifestyle and was clearly at a completely different stage of life to her. And at no point did she think, "... hang on..." and question the situation/relationship. Yes, he said he wanted children too, but look at the picture and the life he was leading!
But hey, as long as we can vilify the man...
And I say this as someone who was left by someone when I was pregnant and brought up the child on my own. OP You will do it, it will be fine, it won't put other men off, it'll be the biggest and the best adventure of your life.
Vilify the man, so you don't agree he shifted the goalposts FolkGirl?
Given his lifestyle I wouldn't really have taken him at his word. He didn't have the signs of a family man in the making did he really? Spending all his money/time on surfing; living in a houseshare with 5 other people; planning on moving to the other side of the world (Australia? For surfing?)...
So whether he shifted the goalposts or not, I think the OP should possibly have been a bit more savvy and realised that, however good intentioned he might have been/sounded, and however much he might have been saying what she wanted to hear, the words and the picture didn't match.
He may well have thought he quite liked the idea of children and a family, but when the reality hits, it's not such an attractive proposition...
And she had only known him for 4 months. If she were posting on here saying she was considering choosing do to this, she'd be told she was mad.
I'm not saying he was blameless, just that the responsibility for her situation is at least 50% hers.
Sorry, spends all his money travelling, never lived with anyone, never loved any of his girlfriends...
Point still stands...
It sound like the OP will be fine anyway, and that's all that counts. But jumping on the man and treating her as a victim? I don't think so. It does her a disservice as much as anything!
It's not the end of the world to go it alone. I did when ex left whilst I was pregnant. By the time DS was 6 months, I'd got together with DP and he's the best dad I could have wished for. Ex is not remotely interested.
A similar story to yours is my brothers friend. He was seeing someone but planned on moving to oz. Not sure if he got there or was just about to go when she announced she was pregnant. It's safe to say he was gutted. He felt he'd been tricked/trapped but after the shock had died down stayed here to be with his child. Years later and there are now 3 children, they're happily married and a went to live in oz together 4 years ago. It's still early days, it's a surprise for everyone. See how things are on a few months.
Best of luck!
We had sex a number of times without protection, he knew I wasnt on birth control so seemed happy with taking the risk
That did seem to be at odds with I have never tried to get pregnant tbh so I was pretty shocked!
But I still thought he had raised her hopes about fathering a child and he didn't have to treat her as nastily as he did once she did conceive.
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