Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I overthinking this? DH lied.

(20 Posts)
Lalalablah Fri 27-Jun-14 09:39:28

Been with my DH since we were young, been married 6 years. 2 young DC aged 3 and 1. Youngest not a good sleeper and I'm very tired so don't know of that is clouding my judgement!

Have never had any reason to doubt DH. He's wonderful, works hard in a stressful job, has never lied before (that I know of anyway). In the last month at work he has been doing crazy, crazy hours. I'm talking working ten hours, home for a few and then back in for another ten. This after working crazy hours all week. At the time I was complaining to him that work hadn't said whether they were going to give him time back or double time money. He said they had told him they were going to pay double time.

Payday is here and I checked account to find he has been paid normal amount. Mentioned it to him so he could sort it at work. He then tell me they haven't decided of they're going to pay him back or give the time back (if anything!). I said I thought you said that they were going to pay you double. He said he just said that to "stop me stressing" :/. More like shut me up I bet...

Right crappy job/contract aside. Am I right to feel angry that he lied? I feel a bit floored TBH. I thought we were solid. I never, ever thought he would lie to me about anything. Now it makes me wonder if he has lied about anything else. sigh I really don't think he will have done. I'm overthinking this aren't i?

Womens intuition is there for a reason.
We have great gut instincts.
If you think there is something wrong, look into it.

If it was me I'd be phoning his work to see if he really was doing all the hours he claims he is.
That would be my starting point.

I hope it's nothing but it seems a bit off.

Quitelikely Fri 27-Jun-14 09:44:47

You are being reasonable in expecting honesty. If I was letting my husband escape family life for that length of time I would expect him to be getting extra pay. You must be shattered caring for the little ones.

He is definitely in work isn't he?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 27-Jun-14 09:46:49

Well, he lied. Long and short of it. Whether its because he didnt know the pay situation or because he is covering for something else I dont know.

tbh id snoop.

PlumpPartridge Fri 27-Jun-14 09:47:07

Sit him down and calmly explain that, while you appreciate that he didn't want you to worry, you're concerned at the fact that he was not wholly truthful about his work situation (i.e. told you a big fat porkie). Tell him that you would greatly prefer it if he gave you the full story and didn't cover anything up to spare your feelings, because knowing all the facts is important to you.

Then sit back and watch VERY carefully in case he ever does this again. If he does, then you know something is up.

I also agree with hellsbells.

cozietoesie Fri 27-Jun-14 09:48:18

It's possible - particularly if it's a smaller organisation that may not have the same set rules as, say, a large established firm. How secure is his job do you know?

coppertop Fri 27-Jun-14 09:48:45

So he not only lied to you but also neatly turned it around to make it sound as though he was doing you a favour.

And not only have you been picking up the slack to compensate for him not being there for all those hours, you were deliberately mis-led into believing that at least the family would benefit from it because of the extra money that would be coming in.

And to top it all off, you now find yourself unable to trust him to tell you the truth about anything.

I think I would be feeling beyond angry. You're not overthinking it.

Slipshodsibyl Fri 27-Jun-14 09:54:07

This seems an entirely common situation to me.

He is probably exhausted, feeling guilty that he is unavailable and trying to make you feel better about that lack of family time - your comment about shutting you up suggests he was getting stress from home as well as at work, though I acknowledge you must feel stressed too.

Someone might have suggested extra pay will be forthcoming but it doesn't mean senior management will approve it or that it will be paid promptly rather than retrospectively. That is just how things often work.

The biggest risk I would see here is that your own stress is masking your ability to empathise with his situation ( working these hours is really not a barrel of fun and he probably feels taken for granted if no acknowledgement of his efforts is forthcoming) and this will end up in a situation where you both feel unappreciated and resentful of each other.

If he is, as you say, wonderful, treat him accordingly. He cannot control the capriciousness of his boss.

TheAwfulDaughter Fri 27-Jun-14 09:55:13

Overtime and enhanced pay usually goes in a month in arrears.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Fri 27-Jun-14 10:00:03

What Slipshod and Awfuldaughter both said -
a) you often don't get paid for overtime in the month you did it.
b) he must be absolutely knackered, and we all use white lies from time to time to appease people when we don't have the answer they want from us.

If you believe that DH really is in work, then I think its SNAFU.

If, on the other hand, you suspect he may not be at work, then that's a whole different kettle of fish (might create my own accronymn for that "AWDKOF") and you need to check out his story pronto.

Lalalablah Fri 27-Jun-14 10:15:26

Thank you for all the quick replies! To answer a few questions

-He is definitely at work. It is a smaller company but in the process of growing and opening offices abroad hence the daft extra hours. His job is quite secure I think as they keep expanding.

-I have no reason to believe that he has lied before or that there is more to it. He is very open with his phone etc. No weird behaviour apart from us both being snappier with each other occasionally because we're so knackered.

I think coppertop described how I'm feeling really well. I also think there is a lot of truth in what slipshod and youdontneed. He is wonderful, it isn't like him to lie at all I think that's why I'm so upset. I love him to bit really. I think we're both just stupidly knackered and stressed at the min. Our oldest has SN and I have to sort all therapy and appointments etc myself. He's probably completely worn down by work and not getting to see the kids as much. I think I need to cut him slack for this time as long as he doesn't lie again, right?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 27-Jun-14 10:15:42

I thought you were going to say he's been out for hours telling you it's work-related, but you found out he's been AWOL, not at work at all.

Lack of sleep is a killer but I don't think you were unreasonable feeling disappointed DH hadn't at least been compensated for the extra work he's put in and the family- or down-time he's sacrificed.

He is under a lot of pressure, work-wise. And now he knows you picked up on him lying/stretching a point he must realise it was a needless stupid thing to do. He can't be oblivious to the demands on your energy the DCs bring. Both of you are under the cosh .

If he's usually dependable and a great partner I'd assume that this was a momentary lapse but assure him you'd rather he be honest than fob you off with a pat on the head and a placatory lie.

Slipshodsibyl Fri 27-Jun-14 10:29:35

He probably hasn't actually lied though has he? It's quite possible some has mentioned extra salary and he latched onto that a little prematurely. As would I in a similar situation. It seems very over dramatic to class this piece is miscommunication as a lie.

Lalalablah Fri 27-Jun-14 10:31:06

Nope he did say this morning that he'd lied cos he didn't want to stress me out and work hadn't mentioned anything yet.

Slipshodsibyl Fri 27-Jun-14 10:47:33

Ok,well, from long experience, I think that if he wants to stay in the job then the answer is to buy in a little bit of help so that you can support each other and still have the energy to keep a bit of perspective through this time. Good luck.

Echo others really as we pay overtime a month in arrears. Hope this is the case.

Chocotrekkie Fri 27-Jun-14 10:54:38

Could he be looking for a promotion at work ?

He is now aware of the extra cost of having 2 and especially if older one has sn then he is trying to boost his earnings.

If the company are expanding there will be opportunities if he shows dedication and commitment as well as being good at his job.

He probably wasn't thinking it through when he said it. He knew you would be hmm about him leaving to do another shift leaving you alone with the kids again so just said "well it's overtime" or something.

fubbsy Fri 27-Jun-14 11:08:42

You're not overthinking it. Tell him how you feel. Completely legitimate to say you don't want to be fobbed off and you want honesty and trust in your relationship.

But then let it go. Everyone makes mistakes.

Jengnr Fri 27-Jun-14 11:16:26

I reckon my husband would do that too because he knows I would be cross about the reduced family time for no extra money and he'd be too scared to bring it up with his boss.

Shithouse? Aye. Anything more sinister? Nah.

PlumpPartridge Fri 27-Jun-14 11:32:04

Just what fubbsy said.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now