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(Almost) married man wants to use me as a 'free pass'?(76 Posts)
I have had a close male friend for 4 years and recently he's making me feel really weird and uncomfortable. We are both in our late 20s - he is engaged and getting married in a month to a woman he's been with 10 years. I am newly single after a long term relationship broke up.
The other night, we were chatting as we often do and we started talking about how I was single again. I said that the break up had affected me badly and I miss lots of things about being with my ex. Talk turned to things like living with a partner, sex, etc and initially it was all platonic.
It got odd when he started talking about how he's always liked me and he turned one of our friends down when she came on to him on a night out as he secretly wanted to get together with me (he was still with his fiancee back then, who was his gf at the time.) I was a bit about this and didn't really know why he was talking about it.
Over the last few days he's been saying that his DP cheated on him years ago and she has said he is allowed a 'free pass' to sleep with someone he wants, as this is apparently fair. I find this ridiculous. He is really keen for things to move further and he wants our relationship to become sexual as apparently his DP won't mind.
I don't want to lose him as a friend and although I find him attractive, I definitely don't want to get involved in this as it's more trouble than it's worth. I definitely don't want to break up his relationship. He seems to be insulted every time I say I'm not going there and is desperate for me to watch him do sexual things on webcam etc. He keeps telling me I need to relax and stop being uptight as he has a free pass.
Should I just stay well away from him? He's making me feel really uncomfortable.
Yes of course he's escalated it but OP has already stated on the thread that she doesn't want to lose him as a friend. It's exactly this sentiment that's perpetuating the problem. He can't be relied upon to wind his neck in and stop, so she has little option. She stays and puts up with his vile sexual advances or she cuts him out of her life for good.
OP you are grieving over a relationship and I can more than understand you wanting your friends close. But this man sees your vulnerability and he really feels he's in with a chance. The fact that he's not hearing your rejections strikes me as pretty sinister tbh and comes back to the fundamental No being No. He's not listening to you. This makes me feel quite worried - what about when you're all out having a drink or socialising and his inhibitions are lowered even more?
I agree with Cogito in that I feel that you cannot talk about sex (in terms of personal likes, dislikes, missing sex etc) with a male friend - I just think it's too intimate a topic. Maybe that's just me but I don't even discuss intimacies with girlfriends, let alone my male friends.
Sympathies, OP. If this had happened once only, when the man was drunk, and he subsequently apologised, it might have been possible to keep him as a friend, but the fact that he has been persistent despite you telling him you don't want to have sex with him ever indicates that he is predatory, abusive and a woman-hater and not the friend you thought he was at all. This is a man who sees all women as holes for his cock, basically, and socialising with any woman is only a matter of waiting till the right moment to penetrate her.
If he still persists, tell him you will report him to the police for sexual harassment if he doesn't leave you alone: that should scare him off.
You're grieving a bit for the friend you thought you had. You want to think that this is just a blip and that things will go back to 'normal'. The fact that he apologised for overstepping the mark then immediately brought it back up the next day, would indicate that it's not a blip.
The thing that got my attention was that the offer was all about him; HE had a free pass, HE wants to sleep with you, HIS fiancee won't mind, HE'S always fancied you. Put this into context about what you'd just been telling him OP; that you'd split up with someone, the things that you missed about your previous partner, the fact that you are still recovering from the end of this relationship. At what point has your 'friend' considered how a quick fuck with him will be any good for you emotionally? What about your friendship?
He hasn't considered any of this - because he just wants a shag and doesn't give a shiny shit about your feelings, how you might be affected by this and whether it would be a good outcome for you. Therefore my advice would be to walk away from this friendship, because this man does not care about you as a friend - if he did, then he wouldn't be focussing on his dick at the expense of your best interests.
"You've let this problem escalate and by keeping him as a 'friend', he thinks he has a chance. "
He has escalated the problem.
"It sounds like I'm blaming you OP"
Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.
She has said this has happened over the last few days - and now she has sought advice; she has said she and her friend are generally comfortable discussing sex, unlike you and your friend.
I have 2 close male friends OP. By that I mean I see one twice a week for training and we often drive together for lengthy distances every other month for a sporting event we both take part in. We are together a lot and have to be physically close for the training we do. Trust is everything (between us, our partners etc).
Should he take our conversations into sex, I think I'd vomit/feel absolutely gutted/totally repelled. The conversation wouldn't get past the first 2 minutes. To me, it's unthinkable. The relationship would be over, no doubt about it. Yes, Id grieve, but once that line has been crossed it can't be undone.
You've let this problem escalate and by keeping him as a 'friend', he thinks he has a chance.
This man is no friend of yours. He's a predator and he thinks you're 'up for it' or else he wouldn't be so persistent.
It sounds like I'm blaming you OP but why on earth are you still holding him in regard as a friend? Step away now and go non contact.
I know you are grieving over your breakup, and naturally you don't want more loss, but this man is no friend of yours.
Thank you that's exactly how I feel. I don't want to lose my other friends because we still meet up together quite often. I have told him to back off and he has apologised. I think i will distance myself now.
Agree with you bogey...about the 'flattered, considering it posts' so pointless really, just stirs it! Your experience sounds awful, it is difficult, to know, who or what to believe, and the isolation is nasty, but as in my pp...to op...keep busy, and be true to yourself.
Aargh...my point was that "just stay away from him" isnt always that easy if you are part of a friendship group. The OP is probably worried that she will end up in the same situation that I did, and be the one that loses those friendships despite being an innocent victim of his predatory behaviour.
I get very pissed off on threads like this because invariably someone will say "I think you are flattered and are considering it", that says more about the poster than the OP!
I had this happen to me, it broke several friendships of mine because his wife found out and decided to believe him (despite his previous affairs) when he said that I had been making a play for him and not the other way around. I was frozen out of a large friendship group and I was heartbroken. I had done nothing wrong! I suspect that after trying to laugh it off, ignore it and be nice (which lets face it, most of us would do at least at first), when I was crystal clear and blunt about wanting him to leave me alone, he "accidentally" allowed his wife to find certain texts that he had selectively kept so that I was punished by the social exclusion. I cant be sure about this but a man who successfully hid a year long affair wouldnt be that lax about his phone. That affair only came out when the OW turned up at the wifes door and told her everything.
You seriously need to ask whether you should just stay away from him?
Seriously, I went to university with this guy (or my own version of him). Was v roped in and ended up going to bed after a friendly night turned the wrong way. He had a gf then, who he's now married to. I thought they were on-off. She didn't know.
Anyway, whatever -- aside from having been coerced into something morally repugnant it was confusing and wasted a lot of my time thinking about it. You need to be finding someone nice and dating yourself, not doing this. Don't forget that you are recently broken-up and vulnerable. Look after yourself.
FWIW I'm no longer friends with mine, after realising we weren't friends in the first place, he just had a very long-winded, cowardly way of getting people to shag him.
As someone said to me 'There's plenty more fish in the sea - but this is a rusty old shopping trolley'.
OMFG.What a scuzzy chancer.He's so not your friend. < boak >
'Stop fucking ruining things by going on like this.
No means NO and if you don't back off of this subject we won't be friends anymore'
'I don't find you sexually attractive so free pass or not, I don't want to sleep with you.'
Friends don't treat each other like this
Please do lose him as a friend. He has no respect for you.
Well obviously you wouldn't want to lose the friend that you thought he was, the big question is do you want the friend that he's turned out to be? they're quite different.
OP I had a guy once who told me do liar. That he was married but his DW 'didn't mind', that was 'the sort relationship they have'.
He was just a twat that was hopping for quick self esteem boost through sex.
However, I do t think that all men are just so focused and obsessed by sex that they can't be friend with a woman! It's just that guy that is a twat!
"I don't want to lose him as a friend"
Why? He's awful. He wants to cheat on his fiancee before they are even married and he's made up an appalling lie - and slur on her character - (you do realise it IS a lie, don't you) to facilitate that.
As a bloke, I think Cognito is right. You can be friends but only up to a point. Unless he doesn't find you physically attractive of course. In which case you can be a mate but I would argue not in the same 'league' as one of the guys.
It's "when Harry met Sally" all over-great film!!
There is no 'loss' in telling this creep to do one !
I'm sorry you feel like you've lost him as a friend, but you don't need someone like this in your life !
And his poor DP ... No words for quite how sorry I feel for her !
You don't risk losing him as a friends because he's managed to do that all by himself. It will never be the same.
The only sane thing to do is run for the hills
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