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(Almost) married man wants to use me as a 'free pass'?

(76 Posts)
eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 20:55:20

I have had a close male friend for 4 years and recently he's making me feel really weird and uncomfortable. We are both in our late 20s - he is engaged and getting married in a month to a woman he's been with 10 years. I am newly single after a long term relationship broke up.

The other night, we were chatting as we often do and we started talking about how I was single again. I said that the break up had affected me badly and I miss lots of things about being with my ex. Talk turned to things like living with a partner, sex, etc and initially it was all platonic.

It got odd when he started talking about how he's always liked me and he turned one of our friends down when she came on to him on a night out as he secretly wanted to get together with me (he was still with his fiancee back then, who was his gf at the time.) I was a bit confused about this and didn't really know why he was talking about it.

Over the last few days he's been saying that his DP cheated on him years ago and she has said he is allowed a 'free pass' to sleep with someone he wants, as this is apparently fair. I find this ridiculous. He is really keen for things to move further and he wants our relationship to become sexual as apparently his DP won't mind.

I don't want to lose him as a friend and although I find him attractive, I definitely don't want to get involved in this as it's more trouble than it's worth. I definitely don't want to break up his relationship. He seems to be insulted every time I say I'm not going there and is desperate for me to watch him do sexual things on webcam etc. He keeps telling me I need to relax and stop being uptight as he has a free pass.

Should I just stay well away from him? He's making me feel really uncomfortable.

HexBramble Sat 28-Jun-14 12:47:10

Yes of course he's escalated it but OP has already stated on the thread that she doesn't want to lose him as a friend. It's exactly this sentiment that's perpetuating the problem. He can't be relied upon to wind his neck in and stop, so she has little option. She stays and puts up with his vile sexual advances or she cuts him out of her life for good.

OP you are grieving over a relationship and I can more than understand you wanting your friends close. But this man sees your vulnerability and he really feels he's in with a chance. The fact that he's not hearing your rejections strikes me as pretty sinister tbh and comes back to the fundamental No being No. He's not listening to you. This makes me feel quite worried - what about when you're all out having a drink or socialising and his inhibitions are lowered even more?

I agree with Cogito in that I feel that you cannot talk about sex (in terms of personal likes, dislikes, missing sex etc) with a male friend - I just think it's too intimate a topic. Maybe that's just me but I don't even discuss intimacies with girlfriends, let alone my male friends.

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