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What do you do when your partner is so angry he doesn't want to speak to you

(72 Posts)
Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 10:11:12

Do I just give him space sad I have apologised and gave him a hug but he absolutely hates me right now.
I was annoyed with him for leaving and going out and not giving me a time for coming back. I have been badly hurt before so I guess is my own insecurities.
He doesn't know what he wants but is still here literally sitting on his 'game' in the living room
Arrrrgghh I think I'm just a crap gf

Aussiebean Thu 26-Jun-14 10:18:09

Since you haven't said why he is angry and whether or not this is an over the top reaction I would say leave him to it for a while and wait for him to calm down.

sunbathe Thu 26-Jun-14 10:21:13

Is he angry because you dared to ask him when he'd be back?

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 10:23:20

Yeah you are right. It's because I text him being a bitch basically saying he should have told me he wasn't coming home sooner. He just goes out and needs space. I'm do tired because I work he doesn't and stays in the house a lot. He said in keeping him prisoner but I would never do that all I wanted was a text saying hey il be away a while don't wait up or something. Instead I'm left thinking I have done something wrong and and get annoyed and let my texts get the better of me. I love him a lot but I have been on my own before and can do it again.

Xcountry Thu 26-Jun-14 10:24:27

One of us will flounce off in a huff, slam the door and drive off, go have a think and come back. The point isn't the argument - everyone argues, its about the willingness to work it out and shows the strength of the relationship and the people who make it.

Aussiebean Thu 26-Jun-14 10:28:19

What country said. If you guys can't talk about this and compromise it's not much of a relationship.

Elleann

What does this man do all day long whilst you work?. As for him saying that you're keeping him prisoner?!.

I do not think that you are a crap gf at all. He however, reads like a very crap bf. Think you ultimately need to think about whether this man is worth a relationship at all.

sunbathe Thu 26-Jun-14 10:30:49

So, he has space all day from you and still needs more in the evening?

He's a cocklodger.
Really sorry but he sounds bloody horrible.

What do you get from this relationship?
Do you do all the housework, cooking, his washing, cleaning?

Do you have children with this 'person'?
Sorry but he sounds like a man child and you sound like you are worn down by him. And you've hardly written anything.

If you have no ties to him, time to bin him.

SanityClause Thu 26-Jun-14 11:20:48

He is rude and nasty.

You were asking for the basic courtesy of knowing when he would be back, not demanding he come home immediately, FFS! It sounds like your text may have been a bit cross, but frankly, you had the right to be. You had nothing to apologise for, except the crossness. He has not apologised for the lack of consideration to you, but is sulking, instead. He is punishing you for having the audacity to expect to be treated like a human being.

He will start being nice again after a while, and expect you to be so grateful that he is now talking to you, that you forget all about it. And hopefully, you will have learnt your lesson, and will not question his actions in the future.

Sulking is tedious and childish. Let him know it gets him nowhere. Also, stick to your guns about him telling you when he's likely to be in. If you have been treated like shit in the past to the extent that you have trust issues, he needs to be extra sensitive to that, so you can start to learn to trust people. Otherwise he's just adding to problems you may have, and not supporting you, at all.

Joysmum Thu 26-Jun-14 11:23:56

I guess it depends on why he isn't speaking to you.

I'm the flounder in our marriage. I get do overcome by whatever emotion it is that I'm best off out of the way until I can calm down.

DH doesn't flounce but avoids discussion and I used to think was pretending like it never happened but came to realise it was him getting metaphorical space.

If the intention is to get space to process and can down, then leave him to do that. You could always text a love message and raft you'll wait until he's ready to work through it.

If you suspect he's playing games, call him on it.

Tbh, if you'd been my DH sending bitchy texts like that I'd have gone loopy too. I'm s SAHM and that'd be double standards to me as my DH has form for not keeping me informed.

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 12:06:10

Thanks for your replies. I'm not normally such a psycho but he said I knew where he was etc and not to send him msgs etc.. I guess I'm on the wrong for the most part but geezo he is sulking big time. During the day I work and the kids are at school. They are not his kids so I get that I have to provide which I do. He does the housework etc but he doesn't work. I have probably ruined things now as he said I'm not easy to talk to. I have my flaws and he does as well. He said he has done nothing wrong and doesn't know what he wants. He is. Six years younger than me too. Grrrrrrrrr I hate feeling like this.

YouMakeMeHappy Thu 26-Jun-14 12:14:12

You sound lovely to care about him so much. Let him play games for a bit and then apologise and suggest doing something. Like x country said, everyone argues, he'll come round.

How long have you been together now?.

What do you get out of this relationship with such a man?. What exactly does he do, what does he bring to the table?. He does the housework but why is he not working?. Is he looking for work?.

It sounds like you're basically carrying on where his own mother left off. He now has it very easy with you busting a gut to support him as well as your children. Being the immature manchild is as well he starts moaning and sulking (to get his own way and back on you for calling him out on such poor behaviour from him).

We all have flaws granted but he is making your life a lot more difficult than it should be, relationships should not be this hard honestly.

We get the sort of relationship we are willing to put up with. Is he worth all this?. It sounds like you are selling your own self very short and you write that you've been badly hurt before too. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Helpys Thu 26-Jun-14 12:19:43

Tell him to fuck off.
But to answer your question, 'What do you do when your partner is so angry he doesn't want to speak to you?'
I don't know what I'd do because I've never been in a relationship where someone treated me like that. The first hint and they'd be dumped, I certainly wouldn't invite them into my childrens' home.
You're not a psycho. There's nothing wrong with your expectations, it's him who's inadequate.

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 12:22:02

We have been together a year an for the most part he has been supportive and lovely. I am a bit of a moody mare at times. I think he is having second thoughts about us. My kids don't see their bio dad as he attacked my oldest son (had problems with drink) I guess I have rattled the birds nest. I do think I am kind loving and I would meet intentionally hurt someone. I have apologised and gave him a hug but I swear his eyes were burning into my soul. He isn't really looking for work but I would need a different job if he leaves as he picks the kids up from school. He is very very good with my children but It's like I have to be perfect all the time. I hate arguing and shut down. I think he will come round but if not i am strong enough to start over.

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 12:23:56

Helpys your message made me laugh. I am still human afterall

My guess is that you'd like to think that he has been supportive and or lovely but he likely has not been as lovely as you would like to believe.

You have not answered what emotional needs of yours are being met here so I would take that to mean none.

His current behaviour towards you is classic emotionally bereft manchild. He basically dosses about whilst you bust a gut to feed him as well as your children. Do you think this bloke is actually a good role model to them?.

You're too good for this bloke really but you're not ready and or able to accept that fact because your own innate self esteem is through the floor (your ex would have also contributed to that low state).

Reading "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood may well help you going forward. I dare say this relationship is not one so much as love but really an unhealthy co-dependency.

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 12:45:16

I've always thought I'm just not very good at the relationship thing. It's funny because before we got together I told him that we should just go our separate ways as he had annoyed me about something (can't remember what now) I suspect you are right that he does not give me a lot of emotional support. In turn I look like an emotional mental case when I dare to be pissed off at something. I am just leaving him to it at the moment. I am definitely guilty of loving too much. According to him it's not been easy taking on kids etc and he has worked really hard for all of us. I think he thinks I'm not good enough for him.

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 12:47:17

I also know if he leaves he will have to go back to his parents with no job etc.. That's not my fault tho. Bloody men

gamerchick Thu 26-Jun-14 12:54:41

It would have to be something pretty serious for my husband to be so angry with me he wouldn't speak. I can't think of anything atm.

I couldn't live like that.

If you didn't need him to pick the kids up so you can work, would you stay with him? Because that isn't enough

I would read the book I wrote of and get yourself enrol onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme. You really do need to unlearn all the damaging crap you have learnt about relationships over the years.

"According to him it's not been easy taking on kids etc and he has worked really hard for all of us"

Violin being played there. He should really be referring to you there but he is not. What has he done exactly apart from continuing the role of cocklodger?. They target single mums because they think that such women are so desperate to have a man, any man, around for company that they would put up with any old nonsense.

Send him packing back to his mother. Your children also need a far better male role model.

Elleann Thu 26-Jun-14 13:08:37

I told him this morning to just pack his stuff and piss off. He didn't. He is trying to make me feel guilty but I am just going to continue on and raise my kids. And tonight I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch telly. He makes me out to be a terrible gf and I have asked him why do you stay then? I guess because he has if easy. He said he can't do this anymore so if that's true then let's see if he leaves.

NettleTea Thu 26-Jun-14 13:10:21

worked really hard how???
picking the kids up from school?

He knew you had kids before he moved in, its not as if you brought them out of a cupboard as you handed him the key

And no, to go out and not give any kind of hint as to when he would be home is rude. especially as it would seem by your 'I didnt know whether to wait up' statement it is possible he would have been pissed off if he had come home early and found you had gone to bed.

A prisoner is a bit of a dramatic overstatement from someone being asked when they will be home, and this anger seems OTT too. Is there something about the night out that is dodgy?

NettleTea Thu 26-Jun-14 13:11:15

sorry, crossed posts. I would agree to getting him out. If he moans and complains so much then why does he want to stay. piss off back to his mums and have as much freedom as he wants

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