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Dh is addicted to gambling

(53 Posts)
TheBrokenDreamsIDream Thu 26-Jun-14 09:46:14

Name changed but am a regular poster.

Dh has a history of gambling , for the past couple of years at least. I thought things had calmed down and were getting back on track; he had set up his own trade and we were far from having lots of money but were surviving. For whatever reason, his partner suddenly pulled the plug on him and left the business. This left dh in a difficult position financially, and as always he was down and depressed. I gave him 2.5k (my own savings) as a loan to get going again.

Went through his bank statement yday to find lots of gambling at William hill, mainly £100 transactions. Lots of them were after the date I had given him the money and some were from before. I roughly totalled up £900.

We needed that money to survive. I gave him all my savings and he's blown it on gambling. sad We have two dcs and I am in pieces over this. I don't think it's ever going to stop.

CookieDoughKid Fri 27-Jun-14 22:43:51

You're going to have to accept a future without him for the time being. To save yourself and your children.

There is nothing you can do to help him. He's self destructive. Stay away from him as much as you can. Work on a plan to leave with as much in your favour as you can because it will be you raising the children mostly alone unfortunately. He is in no fit state at all.

CinnabarRed Fri 27-Jun-14 13:49:02

How are you today? I hope you're safe, and learning to adjust to this strange new world.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 26-Jun-14 19:22:53

But his gambling addiction means that your family life has never been 'normal'. It's been based on deception on his part.

If nothing else, please see about protecting yourself financially.

TheBrokenDreamsIDream Thu 26-Jun-14 18:08:42

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I do realise deep down that the in-laws will side with their son.

I guess it's a last attempt at trying to keep some fragment of our family life as normal as before sad

The first thing you need to understand is that to your husband gambling is more important than you or anything else. He is in the grip of an addiction that will never be broken by anyone other than himself. Whether he chooses to break this addiction or not will be entirely random and cannot be predicted. He may be able to stop for short spells at a time when forced to do so by others. However his addiction is too powerful for him to resist at the bequest of others. He will eat through everything and borrow everything to the point where there is nothing left to sell or borrow. The condition he had is progressive and only gets worse and he will become more desperate as time goes by. Just when you think he has done the maximum amount of damage he will still be able to do more. It is not worth considering that he can stop as recovered compulsive gamblers are a very rare breed. You must leave him now and break all ties with him. This was dictated by my husband to be. He is one of the few who recover one day at a time through gamblers anonymous which he still attends. However he was recovering when I met him and I have never seen him place a bet or cause me any financial harm. He is speaking from experience. Protect yourself and your children. You can't help him

CinnabarRed Thu 26-Jun-14 17:31:36

I'm so sorry, but almost certainly your PIL will not be there for you, no matter that you need them. Because to support you would necessitate siding with you against their son, and they simply can't do that. How many of us mothers would turn away from our children, no matter how badly they behaved?

QuintessentiallyQS Thu 26-Jun-14 17:31:03

Poor you.

But the inlaws are a bit of a red herring, as them knowing has not really changed who he is? Call the police! Dont delete the messages.

TheBrokenDreamsIDream Thu 26-Jun-14 17:26:20

With regards to the in laws thing, I am wanting them to come over so they know exactly what their son is capable of. He is really manipulative and has turned them against me in the past, and because I moved to his city after marriage, I have no other family here except them. I need them, they are close to the dcs and very good with them.

TheBrokenDreamsIDream Thu 26-Jun-14 17:22:06

Yes, he is a fucking arsehole.

I havnt called police. He's fucked off anyway.

I've told a close friend too, and my sister. I'll get round to telling mum soon. I'd want to know if one of my dcs was going through the same thing, no matter how old and frail I appeared to them.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 26-Jun-14 17:11:39

OP have you called the police? You need to be sure you are safe. That is the best way to protect your children. At the very least, can you call your siblings to come over?

It's all well and good to say your culture says your ILs should get involved, but will they be on your side? Their vested interest would be in their son.

You MUST seek legal advice to protect yourself financially. Where I live (US) a spouse is LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for ANY debts incurred by their spouse, regardless of whether or not finances are separate. A friend's mother lost everything she had when her husband developed a gambling habit. They actually had to get a divorce after 50 years of marriage because he refused to quit.

wallypops Thu 26-Jun-14 16:55:32

I think the very first thing you must do this minute is let the bank know. They are used to this and should be able to block all the accounts that he has access to.

Transfer all funds he has access to somewhere safe first, so you can still access them but he cant. If necessary ask the bank to prepare you an envelope of cash. Mine have done this for me in the past. Ask yours what they can do to help.

BanjoKazooie Thu 26-Jun-14 15:37:50

Can you photograph or screenshot the abusive messages and email them to yourself so there is no way of him getting your phone and deleting them.

Please, please, do NOT feel embarrassed about this. You have done nothing wrong. If his parents come and help please not let them minimise the situation. You need to be strong.

Good luck.

Fontella Thu 26-Jun-14 15:26:42

He's a fucking arsehole and not just because he has a gambling
problem.

Not only does he gamble away the money that should be going to provide for his family (money that you lent him) leaving you in dire financial straits, he abuses you verbally, calls you 'a whore' who has 'destroyed his life', smashes in doors, lies through his teeth, makes threats, and says he's going to spread (untrue) rumours about you online. He always goes completely berserk when you confront him about his gambling, has left 'so many times before' and you have 'always asked him to come back'.

Make sure this time you don't 'ask him to come back'.

All you will ever get with this waste of space is misery. He lies, gambles and abuses you and when you dare to make any kind of stand he threatens you (and please don't take any notice of the threats to kill himself either - it's just another form of emotional blackmail).

This is no way for you to live and no way for your children to live. You sound as if you mean business this time when you say you've told him that you 'don't want to be with him anymore', and I very much hope that you are able to garner the strength to see this through, because having him back again is just going to perpetuate your unhappiness, not to mention do nothing to alleviate your financial situation. Your children need stability and security, and clearly your gambling husband is incapable of providing that.

aturtlenamedmack Thu 26-Jun-14 15:07:44

And please ignore everything that I first posted. You and your children need to be away from this man as quickly as possible.

aturtlenamedmack Thu 26-Jun-14 15:05:11

Jesus, have just read your last post. Call the police right now. I hope that you're OK!

aturtlenamedmack Thu 26-Jun-14 15:03:05

Hi op,
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you.
I have a bit of practical advice and I hope it helps.
First of all, have a look at the GamCare website, they offer support to both addicts themselves and their families. The forums are full of posts from people in a similar situation to you and they might be helpful for you to read.
Second, they is a piece of software called GamBlocker that you can get. It blocks access to all gambling websites. Download it onto all devices that he has access to including phones, tablets etc.
Third, strongly encourage him to self exclude from all gambling websites and bookmakers. To do this he would need to contact each site and ask for an exclusion and they should set one immediately. Sit with him while he does this and make it a condition of you continuing your relationship with him (if you want to).
If he also uses a bookmakers, he would need to ask for a self exclusion form from the counter, again, go with him to do this.
Unfortunately only the gambler himself can set these, if you contacted the bookies/websites then it's unlikely that they will discuss his account with you.
I would however contact the sites to let them know that he has used your card on their site without your permission and drop into this conversation that you are concerned with his gambling and think that he is addicted.
Responsible gambling is taken seriously within the industry, and the sites have a duty to investigate if your card has been used without consent. I think under these circumstances most companies would put a stop on his account even if they won't tell you that they are.

CinnabarRed Thu 26-Jun-14 14:57:10

I called the pils because in our culture PIL do get involved in an incident like this , it's expected for them to

I do get that - but their version of 'getting involved' may well be to support their son, and not you.

His parents may be of no use to you whatsoever and could well even go onto side with him rather than you.

I would still call the police if you have not already done so. Abuse like you have suffered today is no respecter of persons or culture.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 26-Jun-14 14:45:19

But have you called the police?

TheBrokenDreamsIDream Thu 26-Jun-14 14:44:15

I have an elderly mum and siblings who live over an hour away. This might be too much stress for her.

I called the pils because in our culture PIL do get involved in an incident like this , it's expected for them to.

CinnabarRed Thu 26-Jun-14 14:36:41

You mentioned that your Dad has passed - do you have any other relatives or friends who could be with you?

CinnabarRed Thu 26-Jun-14 14:34:22

You must call the police.

Aside from anything else, presumably you need to leave the house soon to collect your eldest from school (or, just as bad, your eldest will make his/her own way home and run into your H in what is clearly a highly unstable frame of mind).

You must save the texts.

I'm not clear on why you're calling your PILs. If you're looking to them for support, then be aware that they may feel they have to cleave to their son. You might have more luck asking them to make sure that he is safe (as your interests and theirs would be aligned in that).

Wishing you every strength.

Do phone the police straight away. Do not cover at all for any of his actions, tell them everything. Show them the damage he has caused.

Callani Thu 26-Jun-14 14:07:32

OP, phone the police now. Tell them that your husband has been violent and he is now sitting outside the house and sending you abusive, threatening messages.

Tell them that you are scared and don't feel safe and ask them to come now. Save the texts to show them.

Please take this seriously, I know he is your husband and you love him, but you can see from his actions this morning that you cannot predict what he's going to do right now so you need to take as many steps as possible to keep you and your baby safe and that means getting official, proper protection.

Needasilverlining Thu 26-Jun-14 14:01:35

Police. Now. Please.

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