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It's about to hit the fan(192 Posts)
My H works away during the week and comes home Fri-Sun. I have posted before about him being EA.
To keep the family together we agreed to move (we have two girls 2, 5) to the city of his work (still in the UK). I got a new job there (a better job than previously actually!) and start at the end of July. We've rented out our London house and I am taking our girls on holiday back to my country for a week whilst the house move happens (H and his parents are organising move whilst we're away).
We are in the middle if buying a "home for life " in the new city. It is gorgeous ( but a large mortgage) and would be idyllic for the kids. Proper family home.
The catch? Through issues with my H , me seeing a counsellor and feedback from my friends about my H (I posted before about this), I'm about to tell my H on Saturday that I don't want to buy the dream house because that will not solve our problems and it would just lock us in financially . My H will be angry, scared, sad and more angry. I'm smashing to pieces his perfect family, but it's far from perfect for me.
I am also telling him that the girls and I are still moving to the new city (for my new job, they're in a good school and to be nearer their F ) but we're renting a house just for me and the girls. I'm seeing some places on Monday to hopefully choose before we go on hols so we have somewhere to come back to because otherwise we're homeless! (My H has been put up in a one bed flat for his job).
Everyone is going to be in shock (his parents - who I love ) and H and our friends. But I can't see another way. I'm not in love with him anymore, he's isolated us from our friends ( they don't want to be around him and he embarrasses me with his arrogance ) and he speaks to me and the children awfully but he doesn't even realise it. We already had a chat about how unhappy I am but he hasn't changed to make things better. A friend staying with us said she thought he had actually regressed and she confessed that she wanted to tell him to get off his fat ass and be a father...but she but her tongue.
I'm scared about the impact on our girls and moving from a large house to a tiny rental and without daddy.
Thank god I work FT to be able to afford it but it will be tight to begin with.
I feel like I wake up to a nightmare every day and think it will work out in the end but similarly to other posts here , I feel guilty that I am turning everyone's lives upside down. H also has told me I am selfish to consider splitting up the family when we spoke about it before.
I have only told a couple of friends about my plans, the rest will be in shock. I'm juggling so much : house move, job move and now relationship break up. Originally I thought I would plod along in the relationship because there was only so much I could juggle but the house move pressure has forced my hand to make a drastic call on that too.
I'm trying to be pragmatic and organise everything but I'm shit scared moving away from my friends and what I know but on one hand it's also a fresh start for me.
I will need my PIL to have our girls for a bit over the summer whilst I sort out childcare. They love the girls so should be fine but they'll be devastated that I am doing this.
I'm nervous about the chat on Saturday because he always out argues me and turns things around and makes it my fault. My counsellor said I should put a time limit on the talk and go out with a friend after to decompress.
I guess I am posting to get this off my chest and to see if there is anything else I should be thinking about?
Wow, well done So organised, and so clear on the right thing to do. I think you're wonderful
I'm sure someone will be along to say "Have you thought of..." and I hope that will just add to your resolve.
Hmmm I sense that you are being coy about the whole truth. Are you having a secret affair and now trying to make the big break with your husband in oder to clear the way for a New Life? He doesn't physically abuse you, just embarrass you and your friends, yet he is a good dad and a supportive husband. Are you not being selfish and needlessly destructive?
Well done. It's very easy to plod on in an unhappy relationship especially when you have children. You are brave, do not be dissuaded. He will say its your fault so just say "well if that's what you think .... "
Think positive .... New job, new house, new life
Groove - I can only think your on the fucking wind up with your post.
Well done Google..keep going
Groovedaddy - read more closely. He's isolated OP from her friends because he's so rude and hideous. She's in a nightmare. He's hirtible to her and the DC and not a good father.
Really groovedaddy? Are you her husband? If so you sound like a loser and both she and your daughters will be better off without you.
If not, have women issues do you? Or just a pig?
Oh and gogglepox take care that the loser isn't your husband.
Well done you. You are thinking clearly and have a plan mapped out. Make sure you've got copies of all important paperwork before he gets home. Get any important documents like passports, etc packed and out of his way.
Groovedaddy anyone can choose to end any relationship whenever and for whatever reason they want to.
Groovedaddy has just been 'betrayed' by his partner, so is obviously hitting out at OP.
Well done OP. Bloody scary I'm sure, but not as scary as spending the rest of your life with an emotional abuser. I wish you all the best of luck, and hope that its not too horrendous - and if it is, well you WILL get past it and you WILL be happy.
When you tell him just remember you are TELLING him not asking. Don't start explaining and justifying. Set it out, say the reasons once and that's it. If he's ea he'll twist your words, interrogate, make you doubt yourself. Don't allow it. Say it. Boom, done!
good luck x
I notied that the default setting for most posters is "leave!" "jump" "good riddance". Whatever happened to nuance and principle? While there are countless situations in which separation or divorce is inevitable, I think ppl should be supported to work harder through difficult crises that just be encouraged to abandon ship. Its cowardly and shows liitle moral fibre. Its no wonder there is so many lonely women out there bemoaning their lot and predatory men who are cynical about women.
How are you organising furniture and belongings from current house to new rental? And have you got a large amount of cash ready for using for deposit?
Those were my first thoughts ( practical)
Good luck! The kids will be fine. Have a think about access as he will prob start shouting about that soon enough
Are you sure you want to move to the same city as him? All you be more isolated there with only him and your ILs?
Good luck with your new life. Your children will be fine as long as they know they are loved.
Remember you are telling him what you want, not asking permission to action it as PP have said.
Groovedaddy nobody is telling her to leave him, she has made the decision. Staying in a shit marriage does not indicate moral fibre. For fuck sake take your self pitying whining somewhere else will you?
I know a couple of people who have been in a similar situation but it's taken months and months to sort out and get settled. Well done for being so organised.
Will you be able to keep in touch with friends/family from your old area? We've moved away (not separated) but have been back a couple of times for playdates and nights out to keep in touch with old friends. It's hard to know if it helps or not right now but I think it's better than cutting off your past all together while settling into a new life with new friends.
The size of the house won't be an issue for your girls. It sounds like weekends will be the hardest if that's the only time when your H spends time with you all. Find little things to give your girls some control, allow them to be part of making some decisions. Talking to my kids and keeping them involved has made moving away much easier.
Groove-- why does there have to be abuse for someone to leave?
If you're not happy you shouldn't have to stay. OP has told her husband before now that she's unhappy and the reasons why. He hasn't changed. Which, of course, he is entitled to. But that doesn't mean the OP should stick around regardless. The person showing a "lack of moral fibre" is her husband for speaking down to his wife. He's hardly setting a good example for his children, never mind the way he apparently speaks to them too.
Perhaps you've time-travelled from 1890 where women were married off to men and had to stay forever stuck with them til death do them part, no matter what they did. If so, welcome to 2014 where we've thankfully moved on from those dark days and both men and women are in control of their own lives and can choose to be happy.
Groove daddy how dare you. I am not having an affair and not would I ever. So the answer is "no".
I think I am actually being accommodating by still continuing to move to this city instead of staying in our lovely house and keeping our children in their schools.
And when I said friends would be shocked it wouldn't be because they thought he was a great guy, it would be because I never confided in them about how I was feeling.
I've already had three friends tell me his behaviour to me and our children is appalling which was a wake up call because it is so the norm for me.
When one parent travels internationally with children I would normally get my husband to write a letter of consent but I don't want to ask him for this so it feels he can hold some power over me and prevent our children from seeing their other grandparents (although I would still go and then he would have no one to watch the children while he was at work. His parents wouldn't because they think it's important that the children go in this trip as we haven't been back in a while). Do you think it is risky travelling without the permission letter?
sounds like you are greatly looking forward to the "freedom" you always wanted. Its not all a bed of roses as you might soon out. And about you not having an affair...try convincing your husband otherwise and good luck. No man is that stupid not to put two and two together.
If you normally need a letter of permission then I would contact your embassy or somewhere for official advice. Are you thinking of leaving the girls with your H now while he and his parents organise the house move?
Groove appears to have some personal issues that are being projected onto anonymous individuals to make him feel better.
Anything is a bed of roses compared to living with an abusive partner - it doesn't matter whether the abuse if physical or emotional.
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