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Don't think I love fiance anymore. Sham marriage looming.

(94 Posts)
HeadlessAndBowless Tue 24-Jun-14 13:15:46

Due to get married next June but the more time ticks on, the less love I'm feeling for him. We clash on a lot of things, we both have stressful jobs and I like to come home from work and relax. He likes to come home from work and start fannying around with DIY, kicks off if the house is untidy, runs around fixing things and tidying things and then moans at me that he's come in from work and had to "run around after everyone" but he chooses to do it!! even when I tell him not to he won't listen. A few months ago he offered to help his mum sell her house and then slagged her off and whinged like mad that he was expected to sort out everyone's lives for them - but he almost insisted on doing it!! It's got to the point where I don't like him doing things for me and the kids because he just uses it as an excuse to moan and whine later on.

He's constantly sarcastic with me. If I say to him something innocent and NORMAL like "oo the bank is looking a bit poorly this month" he'll immediately switch to arsehole mode and start saying "oh - ok well I won't eat this month, will that make you feel better about it?" hmm

He's such a know it all, I constantly get from him "oh well I've done this/that/the other before so I know how it is." this includes "Ive been married before so I know all about it", "I've been abroad loads of times so I know everything there is to know", "Ive done camping loads of times so I'm the one that will get everyone through it". - he's done EVERYTHING before so he dismisses everyone elses experiences in favour of him being the leader. Example of this is that we're going to a festival this week, it's his 6th time (and yeah, I've heard that statement many, many times now), my second time and our friends - it's their 1st time. Well DP seems to think that everyone will be useless and die without his help. He keeps trying to take over everything, keeps commenting to me that our friends will be fucked when they get their as they're so green - he's even sat there with a smug face saying "oh I'm going to have a right game looking after 3 green people all week!" - nobody wants fucking "Looking after", we're adults! he's so patronizing.

He never shows any enthusiasm for ANYHING unless it's something HE wanted to do. Our upcoming holiday to the other side of the world for instance in 6 weeks - he's barely spoken about it. So frustrating. He never speaks about our supposed wedding next year. In fact, he wanted to cancel it and save the money so we could do a festival instead (nice priorities there). I compromised and said we'd do the wedding and go to the festival as our honeymoon. He agreed yet a couple of weeks later has invited his son and girlfriend to the festival with us as if it's just a normal jolly away camping. I was like "hey, that's supposed to be our honeymoon! did you forget??" and he replied "oh I know but they won't camp with us, we'll just be taking them down in car". It's like the whole thing is NOTHING to him.

I used to love him so much but lately I just can't be arsed with him. I can't be arsed with his lack of enthusiasm, I can't be arsed with his sarcasm, I can't be arsed with his constant pessimism - I daydream about being engaged to a man who actually, genuinely wanted me and wanted to make me happy.

I think I'm marrying for financial security alone. I've denied it to myself for ages but when I truely think about it, I don't want this for the rest of my life :-( How do you know when you no longer love someone??

Twinklestein Tue 24-Jun-14 13:22:49

I got to the knowitall mansplainer bit & that was enough for me.

I'd send him off to a festival for life, as it were.

Pennastucky Tue 24-Jun-14 13:26:29

I couldnt put up with five minutes of that type of patronizing, knowitall behaviour. Honestly.

You certainly cannot marry him and marrying for financial security alone is a terrible reason for actually getting married.

I will now be blunt. For goodness sake do not marry this man unless you want a bitterly dragged out and expensive time divorcing this selfish, soul destroying and patronising manchild of a person after a mere 12 months. This is already heading straight for the divorce courts and marrying him will be a complete error of judgment on your part.

Being with this person as well actively stops you from meeting someone else.

Infact I would think it is high time you gave this man his marching orders never to darken your door or life again.

But I have to look at you, why have you tolerated any of this from him at all?. What have you got from this relationship to date?.

HopefulHamster Tue 24-Jun-14 13:27:40

You've posted about this guy before and he sounds horrendous. Don't marry him. Lose him now.

wyrdyBird Tue 24-Jun-14 13:28:54

Don't marry him.
Have you posted about him before?

rootypig Tue 24-Jun-14 13:31:36

You're one of the lucky ones, you've worked all this out before the wedding. So, walk away. There's no financial security in an unhappy marriage, let me tell you that.

gymboywalton Tue 24-Jun-14 13:31:37

don't marrry him
if you marry him it will be YOU who is the fool

if you are thinking you don't love him-then...it's a no brainer\!!

minlillehus Tue 24-Jun-14 13:32:12

He sounds horrible, and life with him would be very hard.

Do you want a very hard life?

minlillehus Tue 24-Jun-14 13:33:22

True. No security in an unhappy marriage. My x totally screwed me because that's the type of man he was! A good man would have tried to remain fair and decent. But he wasn't that man.

Wrapdress Tue 24-Jun-14 13:36:34

If you marry him, you are waiving your rights to complain ever again. You knew what you were doing at the time you did it.

gymboywalton Tue 24-Jun-14 13:37:07

what are the good things about this man/relationship?

trappedinsuburbia Tue 24-Jun-14 13:37:11

Sounds like my EX, you've just reminded me how happy I am without him.

ouryve Tue 24-Jun-14 13:38:59

Tell him he can go to his sodding festival. Without you. Ever.

lougle Tue 24-Jun-14 13:39:53

The whole point of engagement is to allow you to prepare for marriage. If you don't love him, don't do it!

teaandthorazine Tue 24-Jun-14 13:39:56

Is this the guy who keeps banging on about Glastonbury? From a thread a few weeks ago?

PlumpPartridge Tue 24-Jun-14 13:40:37

Hi op - I have copied and pasted my message from another thread here, because it is the tale of how I called off my own wedding 6 months before the day. Trust me, it's easier than going through with it.

'op, I cancelled my own wedding 6 months before the day.

I was 24, planning to marry my very first bf (23yo), whom I'd been with for 3 years.

I cancelled because I could no longer cope with his behaviour of claiming to idolise me and revere me above all others, but prioritising all others ahead of me in practice (particularly young pretty females). I had tried and tried to explain that I was hurt by his behaviour and pleaded with him to stop it. He cried, looked sad, promised to stop, didn't. He had a massive panic attack once and pretty much said that he was scared he'd attack me one day. I tried so hard to make all his problems go away, but I couldn't.

The final straw came when we both made a trip overseas to see my family for Xmas (a big deal as my family are religious when it suits them and weren't keen on my bf visiting as it was socially not really acceptable). I spent the whole time pretending to be happy about my upcoming nuptuals (the next summer). It was horrible. I also spent most of the time asking him, quietly, to PLEASE stop contacting his current pet female project whom he thoguht was in desperate need of his protection. It never even occured to me that he might be probably was cheating on me. I was so gullible.

We came back here and I broke up with him 2 days later. I just physically couldn't keep pretending things were fine - it was too hard. He was devastated and - get this - immediately dumped the girl who he couldn't bear to abandon only days before. Now THAT made me furious as well as devastated myself. He couldn't possibly leave her when I looked like I'd put up with it, but he ditched her seemingly without a second thought when I threatened (or so he thought) to leave. I wasn't threatening at all. I had said 'I cannot cope with this, so I am leaving.' He interpreted that as being 'You have to dump her or I'll leave you', as an ultimatum. He only stopped the hurtful behaviour when he thought there might be consequences for him.

Well, fuck him. I called it off, held firm against the mountains of letters declaring his undying love, deleted the texts, ignored the flowers. I cancelled all the wedding arrangements, told all my family and friends that I didn't want to discuss it. In fact I emailed my friends telling them just that - that I didn't want to discuss it but the wedding was off. They were wonderful and all very, very supportive - everyone was except my awful mother.

It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done but I am absolutely certain it was the right call. I am now married to a lovely man who has NEVER made me feel like that, ever. I have never had to defend his behaviour to myself or others, never had to minimise, never thought he was a lying twat.'

I hope that is useful to you in some way thanks

rootypig Tue 24-Jun-14 13:40:38

trapped your post made me grin

Badvoc2 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:42:14

You will get the same replies to this thread as to your last one.
Don't marry him.
Run far and run fast.
Or ignore us and keep posting about him?....

ravenmum Tue 24-Jun-14 13:42:18

When is the deadline for cancelling the holiday flights?

FellReturneth Tue 24-Jun-14 13:43:00

You need to tell him as soon as possible. You have a whole year. No-one will bat an eyelid if you break it off now. Once the months start ticking by and you get to the commitment/planning stage it will get harder and harder to stop the hurtling train without feeling like the big villain.

You just don't like him enough to marry him. If you don't like him much now, trust me, it won't get any better as time goes on. Generally, husbands tend to get on your nerves more over time, not less.

DeMaz Tue 24-Jun-14 13:47:46

Patronising sod!

Don't you just want to punch his smugness sometimes, OP?

defineme Tue 24-Jun-14 13:53:21

You don't even like him.
Dh irritates me sometimes, but I still think he's a great bloke and like him loads (as well as love him) after 15 years.
You know what you have to do.

FellReturneth Tue 24-Jun-14 13:54:16

Smug, insufferable Know It Alls are the very worst, most irritating people to be around. You could find yourself losing friends and having a pretty lonely life if you marry him. You might be that couple that no-one invites for dinner because they can't stand him.

PlumpPartridge Tue 24-Jun-14 14:12:05

What Fell said.

Also, every day that passes will make it that much harder to cancel.

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