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Miserable and need courage

(39 Posts)
confusedNC Tue 24-Jun-14 10:30:57

Been having problems in our marriage for years now, mainly but not exclusively, since our son was born in 2011. DH is clearly unhappy with his life. It comes across that he thinks because he does a job he hates and I only work part time temporary, that I do everything at home. This means ALL and I mean ALL childcare and all housework and even the garden.

There are so many instances of things he has done that I can't even begin to say. I have been trying to figure out whether he is emotionally abusive or if I'm just being dramatic. He eanrs the money but gives me what he thinks for housekeeping. I never have money for clothes unless I manage from what I earn, but I have to save from those earning to keep us when I'm not earning. He's just been out and spent £100 on clothes last week for himself.

To get to the point... It's my 40th birthday this summer. We've made no plans. He has shown no interest in doing anything. Earlier this year he told me his mother had asked us to join her and her DH (who has alzheimers) on holiday abroad this summer. I didn't say yes because I feel like they're only tolerating me because they want our son there and my husband does nothing to help with ds and it wouldn't be relaxing for me. Plus spending £ on holiday there means no money for another holiday. Add into the mix MIL's DH has started being sexually inappropriate with me which DH doesn't take seriously and actually just gets irritated if I mention it.

So the subject of holidays has just been left, as things have been very up in the air. DH actually quit his job although luckily managed to stay after all, but obviously been worrying about finances too.

Last night DH told me he's going on holiday with his mother anyway in a few weeks time. I feel so hurt. He just doesn't spend ANY time with me. His money is his money. No thought to any holiday for me or ds.

We don't have sex because there is no time spent between us and I'd frankly just feel used. I think he is angry about this but makes no effort. He just grabs me as the only physical contact. I dont' get kisses or cuddles but stopped wanting them too as I feel confused by how to be close to someone who is hurting me emotionally.

I've resisted relate because I feel scared about his attitude and dont' feel strong to cope with it in myself. I read that you shouldn't go to couples therapy if there is any sort of abuse but I don't know if emotional abuse is taken seriously or if that is what is going on here.

To be positive I'm seeing a pysch nurse this week with a view to getting help for me. Ive been ill with stress, causing physical symptoms.

I dont' really know why I 'm posting. My birthday is there in my head as a big thing. How do I 'celebrate' that? I don't want to do it with DH as I feel he doesn't care. If I do it without, then I feel then that's it isn't it? we should split up.

So hurt and confused. I feel pathetic for putting up with this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Jun-14 10:47:14

Whatever name you give it, you're painting a picture of a very selfish and self-indulgent man who is thoughtless, inconsiderate, lazy and unsupportive. If the environment you're living in and the atmosphere his behaviour is creating is causing you stress, anxiety and physical symptoms then the chances are it is emotional abuse - or psychological bullying if you prefer - with financial abuse on top. He may or may not be unhappy with his life. He should still treat you with kindness and respect.

Abusive behaviour often coincides with the arrival of the first child. Suddenly your attention is diverted, you're 'tied down', you're no longer bringing in an income and - in the eyes of a bully - this makes you an object of scorn, a lesser human being and a legitimate target. Over time living with someone who sees you this way will crush your self-esteem and leave you feeling confused and miserable. No, you don't go to couples therapy with someone with that attitude... you stand up to them and/or you reject them

I'm astonished that he's going off on holidays with his Mummy and leaving his family behind. Are you sure that's the truth?

Suggest you make plans to celebrate your birthday with people you actually like. I think the process of organising it will boost your confidence if nothing else. I'd also be getting some legal advice.

confusedNC Tue 24-Jun-14 11:03:22

Cogito you're kind to post as you replied to me before and I've not made much progress. I have though taken steps to seek help foe myself so something at least.

There is no misunderstanding about the holiday. He came off phone with her, asked if we could talk and told me he needs holiday so he's going with her in couple of weeks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Jun-14 11:06:47

Sounds like the perfect opportunity to pack his stuff and bolt the door firmly behind him. What kind of selfish weirdo says 'I need a holiday'... with his mother of all people confused ... and leaves DW and baby at home???

Where is this holiday? Aren't you even mildly suspicious that the whole mother business is a smokescreen?

confusedNC Tue 24-Jun-14 11:10:24

Holiday is abroad, won't say in case too identifying but Europe. No not suspicious in the way you mean. The other woman IS his mother and no mistake. She's vv selfish.

HenI5 Tue 24-Jun-14 11:21:32

I dont' really know why I 'm posting
Sounds to me as though you're posting because you feel unloved, sidelined and isolated both within your marriage and within the wider family.

Your situation sounds very sad and so I think it's natural to be feeling the way you do. Lots of us can have struggles with money, but if you work together through those struggles it's not necessarily so much of a chore. As you obviously know, the situation your DH is putting you in is very unfairly skewed against you.

If you're ill with stress and suffering physical symptoms, you may not feel up to considering a life without your DH, but is this what you actually want someone to advise you? are you looking for our agreement that your marriage isn't viable?

Do you have friends who could offer some strength and support to you?

Talking here can probably help clarify some of these things for you and gradually you'll be able to work out what it is that you need to do to make your life (and your DS's) a better one thanks

Poshpaws1 Tue 24-Jun-14 11:44:54

So sorry. Sounds like a miserable situation that you don't have any control over. He sounds controlling and selfish.

It's really good that you're getting some help this week.

Get something sorted and in the diary for your birthday as he's not going to do anything. Could you afford a day or two at the seaside with your DS, or just going out for pizza, night out with friends, anything, just to have a plan. I know it all costs money but would give you something to look forward to.

It sounds very unreasonable that you're doing all the housework and childcare. Could you ask him to put DS to bed every other night, or take him out for a while at the weekend? Or at least he could look after the garden! Sounds like you might have gone past this point though.

He's made a unilateral decision on holidays and you are being excluded from any kind of holiday because you said no to this one. Maybe he feels some kind of loyalty to his mother if she's going through a tough time with her DH's alzheimers....but at the same time you need a break too. What if you agreed to go too but be really clear regarding childcare - two hours on, two hours off, which would give you a bit of time to yourself? Or would it just be utterly miserable??

confusedNC Tue 24-Jun-14 16:26:31

Well ds doesn't have a passport and they're going soon, but yes would be utterly miserable. Mil has juat had a foreign holiday. Think the one with dh will be her 3rd this year.

Not even worth thinking about. I feel minimized and disrespected around them. Her dh wanders at night, says sexual things to me and has started smacking my bum too now. I know he can't help it but dh treats it as a joke.

I think yes I need to plan my own birthday. Just feel so sad and probably humiliated that my dh doesn't think I'm worth anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Jun-14 16:32:48

Maybe you could make a resolution that you're not going to be sad and humiliated any more? 'Life begins at forty' and all that. You have lots of options beyond staying married to the Addams Family and the rest of your life to enjoy them.

Poshpaws1 Tue 24-Jun-14 16:46:26

OK holiday definitely not an option then.

No one has the right to make you feel minimized and humiliated - don't let him and his family define you.

You deserve so much more than this, is there anyone you can spend some time with to remind you of the person you really are?

Sorry trying to send you a brew but can't work out how to do it!

confusedNC Tue 24-Jun-14 16:59:48

Thanks posh and Cogito. Got a beer whilst cooking dinner with footie on. I'll post properly later. Dh in soon.

something2say Tue 24-Jun-14 17:55:03

Hey I'm reading too. Take care xx. I think it is wise to face up to it when people don't love or like us. Life is too short. You sound as tho you're disappointed. Have you only just admitted this to yourself? Early days then. Take time for a good think and keep yourself safe. No big chats with him about it, just plenty of time alone to think. And avoid that mother in law when you can!

myroomisatip Tue 24-Jun-14 18:13:56

You are posting because you need help.

You know things are bad but I suspect that they have been so bad for so long you have been trying to make the best of a bad situation and this is now making you ill.

Have you had any advice from the CAB or a solicitor. I suggest that you do that, you will have lots of opportunity when he is away. See as many solicitors that will give you a free half hour as you need.

It is soul destroying to live like that. Everybody deserves love and respect.

Do you have any family or friends of your own around?

you should not just be planning your birthday but you should be planning your future without your DH.
He has no respect for you as his DW or as the mother of his DC.
Life begins at 40 (so they say) so use this holiday to get your stuff in order-papers documents etc and start a new life without him.

bellarations Tue 24-Jun-14 18:53:23

Hi. Your situation sounds miserable.
Glad you are getting some perspective as such and some advice for moving forward to pastures new.
In the short term, consider yourself lucky not to have to accompany "the twits" on holiday!
Whilst they are gone organise as much of your paperwork as can, perhaps even open a bank account to stow away some money for a new life.
Remember to do a big shop before he goes, and if you have a joint account for food ask for cash back at the till to save for your and your ds future. Even typing that I know it is devious but from what you say he is very controlling and you need to get back some of that control for yourself to work toward a a fulfilling life that you and your ds deserve.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Jun-14 18:59:14

Why am I imagining him on his hollies with Mumsie saying

...

..

..

'Bitty?'

Handywoman Tue 24-Jun-14 19:32:51

I am reading too, Confused I recognize the massive sense of disappointment and let down. My FIL also acted sexually inappropriately with me, down to sheer messed-up-ness rather than dementia. Once I popped out a baby my ex believed from then on I was responsible for everything and everyone at home. Believe me, there's a whole other life out there where you can get back to yourself. This man doesn't respect you. I think you need to start planning for the next 40years.

confusedNC Tue 24-Jun-14 21:14:28

I've just spent some time re-reading all the posts I've made over the last 3 years since I had ds. (I NC fairly often with emotive threads as I feel like it's too much to put all of it out there together. Hope that doesn't sound off).

What's come across from this is that I have been taking all the responsibilty for everything and ultimately for our marriage working or not. In my head I can't reconcile the person I am describing to you with the one I met and fell in love with. I look at him and he's the same. But we're in a place where I am getting nothing back.

I go round in circles about couples counselling. I feel like if I quit the marriage without going, maybe I'll feel guilty that I didn't try it and I should have. Massive BUT though, DH just doesn't take personal responsibility for anything. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault. He's been angry with me for years now. He's utterly self-absorbed. As Cogito said up thread "No, you don't go to couples therapy with someone with that attitude... you stand up to them and/or you reject them".

So in many ways, YES I should go. In other ways, it gets to this crisis and then daily life plods by and I feel like I'm being melodramatic. That to blow my son's world apart is so selfish. How do I explain it to him? It's not like Daddy has cheated or hit me. It just seems so huge that I feel like it can't be real and maybe I'm allowing negative thoughts to take over, but then it's not normal that your husband leaves you at home whilst going on holiday without you. Or that he expects you to get up and make his packed lunch every day even if you've been up all night with ds or you are ill. Or that he eats his dinner whilst reading his mobile phone most nights and doesn't spend a minute with me.

Handywoman is right. It is a massive disappointment. I am mortified that I got it so wrong. I feel like no man has ever really truly loved me. I need to get my head straight. I'm hoping that talking to pysch nurse will get me referred for some counselling. sad

Handywoman Tue 24-Jun-14 22:24:04

I am mortified that I got it so wrong

I know. Me too. You were sold an illusion, though. This is the real thing. The real him. Mine changed radically when we had kids. Life was all 'too hard'. How long have you been together OP?

Can you link to one of your other threads?

I am finding counselling very very helpful. Things can get better from here OP. Time to think about what you want. At the moment all you need to do is flip your mindset. You can gradually plan the practicalities.

kalidanger Tue 24-Jun-14 22:32:47

I think if I was you I'd be really really looking forward to him going away.

Think of all the space and air you and the DC will have. How you can relax and be free together. And the time to perhaps organise an appointment with a solicitor to discuss finances and what might happen if you were to divorce just so you know thanks

confusedNC Wed 25-Jun-14 21:23:29

Feeling very low today. Spent most of it in tears. Seeing psych nurse tomorrow. Don't know what to say. Dh doesn't know I'm going. I feel he'd take it as acceptance that there's something wrong with me.

Had all these awful thoughts about everything swirling in my head all day. When he came home I had that moment when I thought I've been silly. Maybe I've built it up. It's not that bad. Then he got angry because the gas and electric bills have arrived. It's always a flash point. I've previously paid them out of savings often to avoid a row. He'll put heating or aircon on as much as he wants but I dread the bills cos I don't know if he'll pay and he's usually nasty about them.

Then he's talking away about his holiday now as if it's the most normal thing in the world. I feel like I've been punched in the chest. I have a physical pain all day. I feel like a non person around him/them.

I don't have any idea what is in his head. I think he thinks he loves me but you don't do this if you do.

He even just told me he needs to ring his mum more.

I should probably just go nuclear but I don't have the energy or strength.

confusedNC Wed 25-Jun-14 22:11:51

Handy do you mind me asking, how did you access counselling? Is it nhs or private? Glad it's helping.

I felt quite good a few weeks ago but there's always another let down. I've got to pull myself together. I am likely to have job interview in few weeks. So important that I get it. I'm terrified I won't. I feel like crap right now. Don't know how I'll convince them when I feel worthless.

Poshpaws1 Thu 26-Jun-14 19:50:31

Just seen your posts from yesterday confused. Hope you've had a better day today and managed to sort out some counselling. It sounds like such an unhappy situation to be in right now.

confusedNC Thu 26-Jun-14 20:47:28

Thanks posh. Today has been hard but feeling calmer tonight. The nurse was lovely. I was a sobbing mess this morning. Nothing nhs can do for me really. She's suggested women's aid. I suppose it can't hurt to ring them but I feel a bit conflicted. I know there are desperate women in real danger needing their help.

Things are bad for me but I'm not in danger. I'd hate to think I was taking valuable time and resources away from someone in real need.

I could ask my mum if she'd help pay for counselling but I'm nervous of finding right person.

Mil is in fact a counsellor so I've been reluctant and mistrustful of it but I need something.

On the plus side I'm taking ds to see family tomorrow fir weekend . Dh isn't coming. I've had some good support from friends today too so I'm grateful for that, as I am to you here. Means a lot that anyone cares when I feel so low.

Horsemad Thu 26-Jun-14 21:40:42

If I were you I'd be making plans to stay permanently with your relatives and when he's gone on holiday I'd use the time to action a divorce.

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