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BF and DH - conflict... How to deal

(44 Posts)
Twowildboys Mon 23-Jun-14 16:10:20

One of my oldest friends is going through a divorce. She's been in a crap relationship for years so this is a good thing for her and she is in a good place. In the lead up to initiating the divorce she has gone through a couple of years of therapy and she has also had an affair. She is continuing to see the OM throughout and he is helping her and supporting her. I have known about all of this and out of loyalty to her not told my husband. I have backed her up and looked after her kids when she has meet the OM. My DH has known the marriage is rocky but not what else has been going on. He also doesn't like her very much which has always been an issue between us. A few weeks ago my DH read texts between us and is shocked and upset with me. He thinks the tone of the texts is terrible, I have been encouraging her to have an affair, he doesn't recognise me in the relationship I have with my friend etc etc. It's like he suspects me of having an affair because of the secrecy surrounding it all and he is really angry with me. I honestly feel that I don't have the right to share my friends issues and lives with my DH even if we are "supposed" to tell each other absolutely everything ... I can still be a loyal wife and a loyal friend. So now this is affecting how I communicate with my friend, I feel guilty if I write her a text, feel I have to
tell my husband every detail of our conversation when we meet which I won't. I don't know how to behave around this. How do you balance friends and the relationship with your husband?

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 23-Jun-14 16:20:38

Two things

Why is he reading your texts
And I hope he isn't the OM to her

kentishgirl Mon 23-Jun-14 16:24:37

This is one of those things where I can see both sides of the argument.

Yes, you should be able to communicate with your friends without having to fill DH in on every little detail. You can have things that are confidential between you and your friends.

However..basically you have been enabling her affair by providing childcare and maybe alibies etc. This does mean that you approve of her affair, really. And I'm with your husband on feeling pretty poorly of people who think it's ok to have affairs, no matter how unhappy their marriage, affairs stink. So your husband now thinks you are someone who believes it's ok to have an affair ...doesn't mean he thinks you are, doesn't mean he thinks you will, but it does mean you don't think affairs are completely off limits. He's seeing your beliefs about marriage in a new light.

kentishgirl Mon 23-Jun-14 16:26:55

If I found out OH was covering up for a friend having an affair, and actually providing assistance to them in having an affair, I'd be looking at him in a pretty disgusted way too. It would create all sorts of doubts in my mind about him. Some people feel having affairs is ok. Some people feel it isn't. I think it isn't and I'd hope my own partner felt that way too.

fromparistoberlin73 Mon 23-Jun-14 16:33:37

what kentish said. I know you know her relationship was crap- but on the surface it looks fucking dodgy. I would hate it if my DP did this.

sorry! i get your reasons for supporting her but I can 100% see his POV here OP

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Jun-14 16:48:04

I'd have more time for your DH if he was worried - let's say - that you were being dragged into this friend's personal problems and being upset by them. But he appears to be content with moralising, passing judgement and questioning your integrity instead. You're right... he's reacting as if it was you having the affair and that's ridiculous. hmm Probably the fact that he doesn't like the friend in the first place is influencing his behaviour but there really is no excuse for him demanding to know what you're talking about or reading your texts.

I think the only 'balance' you can strike here is to not tell him anything. I hope he realises that's the result of being so narrow-minded.

PlantsAndFlowers Mon 23-Jun-14 17:20:36

Your DH is being ridiculous.

wannaBe Mon 23-Jun-14 17:20:46

Imagine the responses if a poster came on here saying they had found texts from their dh to a friend talking about friend's affair and their part in helping to cover it up. Somehow I don't think that people would be saying the op had no right to read the dh's texts, think they'd be more concerned that the dh condoned affairs and that perhaps he might be next to have an affair... I also think that posters would be saying that yes of course the friend was saying his relationship was shit so as to justify his shagging around.

While I do understand your desire to support your friend, I can also see why your dh has reacted in the way he has. by helping her to cover up her affair you are essentially giving out the message that you don't believe affairs to be wrong, so where does that leave you if you were faced with the possibility of one....

Joysmum Mon 23-Jun-14 17:31:54

I'm 100% with your DH. I do not like liars or cheats and would lack respect for enablers of this. If either me or DH did this for one of our friends, we wouldn't be the person the other thought they'd married.

kentishgirl Mon 23-Jun-14 17:38:56

I think a big point here is that OP didn't just cover up for the friends affair. Didn't just keep it quiet. OP actively helped the friend conduct the affair. I'm sure that's why the husband is reacting so strongly - it's a step beyond the call of loyalty to a friend.

rainbowsmiles Mon 23-Jun-14 17:46:26

If I discovered my dh had been assisting his friend's affair I'd be quite upset. It would have me questioning, passing judgement and moralising. And I'd find it weird that he wouldn't have told me. It's such a big thing not to share.

Yeah, I think you have behaved badly and you've broken trust with your husband. I can see why he doesn't like your friend.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Jun-14 17:49:32

The OP did a bit of babysitting. In the Machiavellian world of conducting affairs the OP could have actively told lies covering up for the friend. I think some perspective is called for.

In a healthy, happy relationship the OP would have told the DH what was going on rather than him finding out. That's the side I'd want to explore more. Why the decision to be loyal to the friend and keep the DH in the dark?

BarbarianMum Mon 23-Jun-14 17:57:18

If dh connived in a friend's affair it would radically alter my opinion of him. Actually I would be totally disgusted.

If dh connived in a friend's affair it would radically alter my opinion of him. Actually I would be totally disgusted.

I agree with this.

Affairs are wrong on so many levels.

Imagine the responses if a poster came on here saying they had found texts from their dh to a friend talking about friend's affair and their part in helping to cover it up. Somehow I don't think that people would be saying the op had no right to read the dh's texts, think they'd be more concerned that the dh condoned affairs and that perhaps he might be next to have an affair... I also think that posters would be saying that yes of course the friend was saying his relationship was shit so as to justify his shagging around.

Exactly. An affair is an affair, whether it is a husband or wife having it.

Is the OM also married?

THe H is being a prick. Affairs are often the most successful way of getting out of an abusive relationship - and anyway, it';s none of his business.

ToAvoidConversation Mon 23-Jun-14 18:34:38

I'm with Joysmum. You are hiding things from your husband and if I was him I would be doubting your integrity. If you were encouraging an affair I would also be wondering why and if you would therefore do it yourself when the chance arose.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Jun-14 18:37:31

I would have told my friend that I don't lie to my dh so can only watch her children if I am allowed to tell him the truth. If not, she would have to find someone else to watch them.

Affairs are often the most successful way of getting out of an abusive relationship

There is nothing in the OP to say that it is an abusive relationship, just that it is a crap one.

I still don't agree with affairs.

motherinferior Mon 23-Jun-14 18:55:16

I think you are a good friend and your DH is being an arse. He shouldn't be reading your texts anyway.

I can think of at least two friends for whom I would leap to babysit if it meant they could go out and embark on a relationship with someone other than their appalling husbands.

motherinferior Mon 23-Jun-14 18:56:22

I don't think affairs per se are wrong, anyway. And no, I'm not having an affair.

kentishgirl Mon 23-Jun-14 18:56:41

The marriage was 'crap' and 'on the rocks'. I'm sure the friend was very unhappy. Still no excuse. Nothing to say it was abusive.

Even if it were, I really don't think having an affair is the healthiest way out for the abused person.

Viviennemary Mon 23-Jun-14 19:08:26

I don't think you should have been facilitating her affair by helping with childcare. Your DH is right. You're in the wrong here. I don'tthink you are obliged to share your friend's secret with your DH. But you've been an active accomplice in her deceit and that's wrong.

wannaBe Mon 23-Jun-14 19:19:55

I think affairs are rarely black and white and I wouldn't necessarily judge someone for having one, but that still doesn't make them right. The amount of devastation and hurt they leave behind does not justify them.

That being said, if I had a friend who was having an affair it's something I would have talked about with my dp and even my xh when we were together, it would never occur to me to help out a friend in secret and then get up set if dp found out. That says a lot more about the relationship than the fact the op is covering up and facilitating her friend's affair.

motherinferior Mon 23-Jun-14 20:05:05

And we're back to this one...I keep my friends' private stuff private, if they ask me to. All this pontificating about 'healthy relationships' overrides the fact that people conduct friendships, as well as partner relationships, in different ways.

Fairenuff Mon 23-Jun-14 21:49:43

I would keep my friends' private stuff private provided that they don't expect me to lie to my dh. That's getting too involved in someone else's relationships if it has to impact mine like that.

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