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STBXH wants to visit the children in the early mornings?

(136 Posts)
BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 04:38:46

My H and I are separating. My decision-he's against it and unwilling to go. He says he won't go till we've made all the access decisions.
He is looking for a room in a flatshare or he's been offered a room at his aunts. He won't rent a flat as he says he doesn't have the money. He hasn't an interest in having the children overnight-he's never done nights as in feeding DS or getting up with DD if she wakes or is unwell. He also finds it hard to get up early.
Anyway I am happy for him to see the children- 4 month old DS and 4 year old DD as much as he likes on the weekend to go swimming/park etc. But he wants to come to the house in some of the early weekday mornings to see them both sometime between 5-8am and also to do bedtime. He arrives home usually at bedtime-7.30pm and it always excites DD and I find it harder to get her to bed. If he's late and I get her to bed before he's back it's much smoother plus DS is usually asleep by 7pm.
Seeing the children at these times would be really disruptive to their routine and I think not in their best interests. I do want him to have as much access to them as he likes but not that doesn't benefit them. I'm also worried they would be confused if his visits are in my home apart from the fact it would be difficult for me also.
I've suggested him taking DD to school but he says he can't. Or coming home early to take them out after school but he also says he can't.
He wants me to "prove" that seeing them here and at those times isn't appropriate..he is very controlling.

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 04:50:43

Why? Is he normally up at 5am? Are they?

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 04:52:39

Sorry, I didn't read that properly first time. He is still living in the house and won't leave until contact times have been agreed? Is that right?

That is VERY controlling, if so.

Have you had any legal advice at all?

BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 04:55:15

DS has reflux-doesn't sleep much..he's up a lot in the night and at 5 usually. DD is up at 7. H doesn't usually do anything in the mornings to help but has a few times got up with DS at 5 to give me a break. As in maybe 5 times in 4 months...

BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 04:57:06

I feel like I'm close to him moving out and know if I go down a legal route he will dig his heels in even more plus it might be costly and take more time anyway. Hoping to be in a stronger position once he's out.

petalsandstars Mon 23-Jun-14 05:22:01

I wouldn't agree to this. Keep his contact out of the house. It's going to be another way to control and check up on you.

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 05:24:59

Is it just a verbal agreement between the two of you he wants?

I'd be tempted to consider saying yes just long enough to get him out I think but only you now how he will react. He sounds a bit of a bully.

On the other hand how long would the 5am thing last anyway?

I'd be concentrating on getting him out if he's controlling. If you have to agree that everyone will dress as zoo animals for contact to get that done....

Thumbwitch Mon 23-Jun-14 05:27:26

If he has troubles getting up in the morning as it is, then he's just being a wanker about doing early mornings, just for the sake of pissing you off. He's not going to manage it, is he!

If you think he won't manage it, then I'd agree to it to get him out - it won't be legally binding so long as you only verbally agree to it - and then when he reneges on it, you can use that whenever you do need to make it legal to show that he can't keep to what he says.

But I definitely wouldn't agree to the bedtime thing unless he can commit to being there a lot earlier than 7:30! How ridiculous. I'm sure he's just making it hard for you.

It might be more troublesome and cost more, but you need to get this legally thrashed out properly, and YOU need to set the contact times, not him. If he really wants to see his children, he'll make the effort - if he can't make the effort then he doesn't really want to see them (assuming that you make them reasonable to fit in with his work times of course)

So given the "prove it" stance (which is very controlling), if you were to agree to this it would mean that he would be in sole charge at those times - so if he thinks that is such a great idea, he should prove it whilst he is still in the house - taking sole charge from 5am to 8am, or at whatever time he thinks he would visit in the evenings. As in, you retreat to your bedroom and shut the door and leave him to it, come what may.

It's a bad idea, but maybe letting him try it now would show him that?

gingercat2 Mon 23-Jun-14 05:29:28

The way he is suggesting it is not good as it is keeping him an intimate part of your life. I have tried something similar and it didn't work out. It's important to separate your lives as much as possible. Make sure his access time is spent out of your house, you need to claim your space as your own and give him no place on it otherwise things get messy.

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 05:29:48

How about;

1)Verbally agree
2)He leaves
3)Change locks
4) Get legal advice, start mediation process?

Do you think you would qualify for legal aid under DV rues?

BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 05:37:37

Yes that's a good idea. Hadn't thought to agree and then change once he's out. I am a bit worried he would manage it as we have split up before when DD was younger and he then used to come round for half hour now and again in the mornings. It's just totally for his benefit not the DCs so annoying.

Thumbwitch Mon 23-Jun-14 05:37:54

I actually think the times he has chosen has nothing to do with seeing the children and everything to do with checking up that you have no other man in your life. I doubt very much that he wants these times with the children by himself, eh? He's not going to give you a break so you can go out, is he?

Worth a thought. Definitely don't agree to anything like this in legally binding way.

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 05:40:31

I wouldn't normally advocate kicking of divorce negotiations by being underhand BTW but if he's being a contolling knob then you just need him out. Then you can negotiate from equal positions.

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 05:42:32

And I think Thumb is right (she usually is grin) - the reason for the weird hours is to check up on you isn't it?

BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 05:54:00

I think it's more to keep a foot in the door kind of thing. No real danger of me having another man!!!

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Mon 23-Jun-14 05:57:57

Thumb is spot on.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Mon 23-Jun-14 05:58:39

Stressed you may way/know there is not danger of you having another man but your husband will be thinking there is.

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 06:03:48

He will quite possibly be thinking that it is only his presence that is scaring the hordes of men off. Controlling and jealous men do tend to think that way.

BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 06:44:03

I'm up with DS every couple of hours..would be tricky to fit another man in! He just wants everything to remain the same ie being here whilst I do most of the work.
I'm wondering what to do with all his things also. He won't take much to a rented room. I've suggested a storage unit but he won't talk about it as he keeps saying he wants things to work out between us.
But I know from experience if I let him keep his things here not only is it annoying but he will be round in the evenings looking for some vital thing he can't find..

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 06:53:01

He really is reluctant isn't he?

meandcoffeeequalhappy Mon 23-Jun-14 06:54:07

Hlarious. It wouldn't last. Early morning interferes with sleep and evening interferes with social life. But no I would not allow it. Once he is out, your home is exactly that your home. He may have a job and feel he can't take them or pick them up from school, but that is just tough. Working parents tough it out, they take leave and use flexi time and manage even if it is in the way of office hours. He needs to get an appropriate home, and spend time with his children out of yours.

BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 07:04:05

Yes I totally agree but I fear he will take a long time to sort out an appropriate home for them to stay. He's never lived on his own-had a flat or house. Has always lived in rented rooms. He says he can't live alone?! I've also said exactly that to him about managing work re seeing the children and he's totally inflexible about it. Just says he needs to work to support us whilst also saying he'll pay the csa minimum!

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 07:09:18

He sounds like a sweetheart. CSA minimum eh? Nothing like true commitment to what's good for the DC to soften your heart hmm

Fideliney Mon 23-Jun-14 07:36:35

Do you have somewhere to put his stuff? Do you ever get access to his car? Could you drop it at his Aunts?

Do you think you are determined enough to stand up to him? He sounds like he could get quite wearing.

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