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He's so much more sexually experienced than me. Worried that will put him off.

(74 Posts)
snappymonday Tue 17-Jun-14 22:34:33

Just started dating a new man, who I was introduced to through work. None of my colleagues really know him as he works at a different site.
Anyway, things are going well and we have met up quite a few times and speak almost every day on the phone. He's a bit older than me, good looking, fun, intelligent, etc but I shall get to the point.

He comes across as someone who is an absolute expert the sack! This is a good thing, I know, but thing is, I am not. Well I don't think I am. Have had six partners in my life, three of them long term, but I just don't think I am going to be able to satisfy him as I don't feel as sexually experienced. I like sex, and have experimented with ex partners but not as much as he has and I think he knows this, but I am just worried that sleeping with him may put him off and ruin the chance of an otherwise great relationship. I have a tendency to come across as a bit shy when in a new relationship, then gain confidence and let go after a while.

Any experience of getting together with someone so much more experienced than yourselves, helpful mumsnetters? How did you not let lack of experience or confidence get in the way at first? Did it work out? Tips please as worried about taking it further! Verging on ending it as not wanting to embarrass myself ....!

Laceym1987 Tue 17-Jun-14 22:50:04

Hey my last 'partner' was a massive ladies man and had masses of experience and really truly he showed me things that I have never experienced sexually before and has been my best sex so far so my advice would be just go with the flow and don't even let your fears of being less sexually experienced interfere. Just go with it and enjoy it! And be safe!!! wink X

woolypigs Tue 17-Jun-14 22:59:20

Hi Snappy I am having a similar experience, I recently met a lovely man who is very experienced. Talking about sex is really hard for me but when we started he was brilliant and as we talked I opened up to him. He is definitely more experienced but takes it slow every now and then he will do something different and watch my reaction to know if i am ok and how far he can go.

Communication is the most important and if he really likes you then it won't be a problem.

In the beginning I had trouble saying some things to him so I sent him a text saying I found it hard to stay stuff and can we talk like this to start. He was fine, I would say what I wanted and he could answer.

I hope this helps but really really please don't give up the relationship if you have a good'un its worth the embarrassment for the great sex.

snappymonday Tue 17-Jun-14 23:05:12

Thank you Lacey and woolypigs for your replies.

I know I need to just go with the flow with this one but it will be hard for me at first. It's been a while! I am told that some men quite like 'teaching' women all they know in bed and that actually being relatively inexperienced may seem attractive to some. I just need to overcome the initial shyness. I keep putting it off as well, making silly excuses and am worried he'll give up. Got to set a date and stick to it!! Bit scared!!

singaporefling Tue 17-Jun-14 23:32:58

Snappy, my DP is waaaay more experienced/self-assured/intuitive/generous/body-confident/adventurous than me! I'm totally 'vanilla' with all the aplomb of Bridget Jones in her big knickers blush. We've been madly in love and lust for almost ten years and he says/seems to be very very happy - i remain spoiled/dazzled and utterly blissed-out/delerious everytime we go to bed! Am not boasting/exaggerating - I know how lucky I am and it took me a VERY longtime to find him/this!! I am by no means a 'match' in anyway for him sexually/erotically but we remain crazy about each other and have an intense/loving/caring relationship - i've never aspired to excite/thrill him sexually as i simply don't have the confidence and am far too intimidated by his expertise/knowledge and skill - I just try to please him/love him back and he takes great pleasure in giving ME pleasure!

snappymonday Wed 18-Jun-14 00:15:35

Such wonderfully positive replies!
I think this guy and I definitely have a strong connection before sex even comes into it. We have spoken about how well we connect and what a great relationship we could have. He seems so keen despite the fact he must realise I am not as experienced.
I hope he doesn't expect too much of me. I'm not a prude and willing to try most things I just wouldn't have a clue what to say if he asked me to suggest anything!
singaporefling your story sounds lovely!

Eekaman Wed 18-Jun-14 00:21:08

Hey Snappy - he'll LOVE thinking that he's the more experienced lover around the place, and he'll be up on his mental Alpha male high horse thinking how he's going to rock your world with all his tricks. Seriously, he'll love it.

Unless you are just going to lie there like an impaled starfish, then he won't love it so much.

botanicbaby Wed 18-Jun-14 00:25:18

sorry OP am a bit mystified why you feel you 'have to set a date and stick to it'? you should be doing things in your own time, when you are good and ready. not feeling scared about it.

I get the apprehensiveness, I get the fact you're feeling a bit shy and less experienced, however, I find that anyone 'who comes across as a bit of an expert in the sack' usually isn't. The fact that 'he's so keen' makes me wonder if he's as sophisticated and practiced as he makes out.

If he likes you for you and vice versa, then things will develop naturally no matter how many partners/things either of you have experienced in the past.

snappymonday Wed 18-Jun-14 00:29:53

Eekaman this is good to know as I wasn't sure. Most of my exes have wanted me to show them what 'tricks' I had (for want of a far, far better word!!). They weren't bad in bed, far from it, but just wanted me to take the lead probably half the time. Were they submissive then?! Only just realised that...confused

So, would most men therefore love being the one to teach the woman what they know? And they wouldn't be put off be my lack of knowledge and experience? They wouldn't get bored? I wouldn't just be lying there, I do enjoy sex. So how do I approach this? I should just tell him, right?

snappymonday Wed 18-Jun-14 00:34:09

Thanks botanicbaby I just feel that I have put him off a bit when I fact I had actually wanted to sleep with him, just was worried he wouldn't be 'impressed'. I do feel ready, just not confident. Maybe he isn't as good as I imagine and I'll be the one who's disappointed. He's so keen on having a relationship, not just the sex part. He has said that he likes sex and is experienced, but wants so much more than just sex. It has got to the point where we both want to go to the next level, it has naturally developed to that stage.

Dirtybadger Wed 18-Jun-14 00:59:33

Maybe I'm doing it wrong but I've never discussed sexual "experience" with a partner prior to actually DTD (apart from for NSA sex to "set up" an efficient meeting). It seems a bit crass to me. I'm always a bit turned off by people wanting to know (or, if "experienced"- wanting to tell!) how many people each has slept with. What they've done, etc. A bit of discussion as to likes and dislikes seems reasonable to me but IMO some of the fun is in the discovery and mystery of it all. How did it come about that he was bragging telling you about his experience?
I would be worrier he was setting you up to feel a bit inferior! But I might have it wrong.

Regardless, after one "round" you will probably feel much better about it. He won't be as brilliant as you're assuming and you'll be more brilliant than you're assuming.

bragmatic Wed 18-Jun-14 01:03:40

He may be selfish and rubbish in bed. I knew a bloke like tat once. He was funny and charming and didn't have to work to hard to het the ladies into bed. Sadly, he didn't work too hard when he got them there.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 18-Jun-14 01:09:48

"He comes across as someone who is an absolute expert the sack"

I could be in a minority of one here but in my experience the men who think they know all there is to know are often not as experienced as they'd like you to think. And not as shit-hot as lovers as they persuade themselves they are.

Doinmummy Wed 18-Jun-14 01:10:23

If he's bigging himself up , my guess would be either

a) he's a twat

b) he's not much good in bed

Actually probably both!

Don't put pressure on yourself to sleep with him though. If you set a date it won't be spontaneous.

snappymonday Wed 18-Jun-14 07:52:39

Dirtybadger Well we haven't actually spoken about our levels of experience in that way. In conversation he has he likes sex a lot, he's mentioned some of his exes (one was into bondage, another into threesomes, one was into watersports - god! which he wasn't keen on!) He's says he's tried it all just not into anything in particular just great sex.

I've met up with some of his friends on a couple of occasions and overheard them say things like 'she's different to the type he's gone for before, hopefully this will last this time' etc.

I don't know - it's just been the impression I've got - that he's good in bed. He's certainly charming and good looking and wouldn't have to try too hard. Both have us have been OLD for ages (that's not though how we met) and he told me he just would get messaged all the time by women who were looking for no strings sex so he'd 'oblige' sometimes if he fancied them - but that's not what he's looking for.

When we've been out he just seems to attract female attention. I've watched him, he doesn't flirt or anything, it's just that women seem to come over to us and start to talk to him. He's polite and makes it clear he's not interested and has said he used to love the attention, but it embarrasses him now. He has a sort of appeal perhaps a magnetism that people are drawn to. I am quite oblivious to these things and don't think I felt it when I first met him, only noticed it later. Sounds weird but that's what I think it is. Even men look at him. In fact wherever we go we always end up meeting people, even in the street. Sounds weird now doesn't it!!

It is possible he's rubbish in bed after all this- I know. We shall see. I would like to keep you posted and let you know!!! Don't think it'll happen this weekend though as I have to go away for work on Friday then family stuff on Saturday. Maybe next week sometime...!

Sorry for long post!

Mugg1ns Wed 18-Jun-14 08:03:41

A good test for just how much of an expert he is might be how he is able to make you feel at ease, and help your confidence.

Doinmummy Wed 18-Jun-14 08:10:36

I'd be wary of anyone that 'obliged' women by having sex with them, especially if that's 'not what they are looking for'.

chaseface Wed 18-Jun-14 08:13:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Wed 18-Jun-14 08:20:05

He's mentioned his previous lovers to you and what they were into in bed?

He sounds like a right catch.

bragmatic Wed 18-Jun-14 08:34:19

Yes. He sounds like a bit of a knob....

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 18-Jun-14 09:24:19

Um, I'm with chaseface, granny and brag.

People aren't 'good' at sex, they are 'good with you at sex' (or something like that.)

You've no idea what being in bed with him will be like yet...so relax and see how it goes.

So he's tried a few things out in the past, big deal! (I too wonder why this has come up so early, but meh...)

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 18-Jun-14 09:25:50

I am a little curious at what you expect he is going to 'teach you' though!

;)

Do come back and report!

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Wed 18-Jun-14 09:29:17

And his previous relationships not lasting.

Perhaps this remark from his friends should be given more heed.

Jamie1981 Wed 18-Jun-14 09:32:41

He'd shoot me for saying this, but my hubby concluded, because he'd only had one partner in his whole life that i, who have had 8, that i was vastly more experienced than him. This led to several months of anxiety on his part and ultimately a visit to the doctor for some little blue pills. After a couple of weeks, the remainder of those pills went down the toilet. My point is that if you obsess about one or the other being experienced or inexperienced, it can cause problems.
Personally, i wouldn't like to hear a long list of past exploits, particularly of a non standard kind, from any boyfriend of mine and would probably thing them a bit of a knob if i did, but i guess that's personal choice.

SirRaymondClench Wed 18-Jun-14 09:49:09

I have known men who have been with loads of women and who bragged about their experience etc. They were utterly rubbish in bed. If he was that wonderful in the sack he wouldn't need to say anything. He who shouts loudest usually has nothing to say...
It's all subjective anyway isn't it? Sex is about the chemistry between two people and what works for one won't necessarily work for another so his experience in this is irrelevant to you anyway Op.
Please don't feel inferior or like you have to try hard to please him, I'm guessing this is what he wants you to do anyway.
I'm a bit worried about your previous partners who wanted you to 'show them your tricks' - they sound horrendous!
As another poster said I have never wanted to know how many partners someone I am with has had, it's got nothing to do with me and a massive turnoff and likely in my experience to trigger insecurities anyway, I'd never tell anyone how many men I have slept with (my DH doesn't know and it has nothing to do with him anyway, I am with him now)

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