Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
pregnant/married man/scared(62 Posts)
I suppose I am posting this for reassurance more than anything- I am sure I will also get some negative responses.. anyhow
2.5 years ago I started a relationship with a man nearly 13 years my senior. I fell madly in love- I'd just turned 27 and him 40. Anyway, at the time when I met him he told me he was going through divorce and he had been separated and living apart from his 'wife' on and off for over a two years but this time it was permanent. He also has a child from this relationship, a girl who was at the time nearly 4. I know in hindsight I was naive and silly but anyway... 6 months into the relationship things started to unravel and it turned out that he hadn't actually even started divorce proceedings. We almost broke up.. he begged and pleaded told me things would be sorted and convinced me to rent a place with him. So we moved in together.
At the time, the conditions of moving in together were that he sorted out his martial status, and that I met his daughter. Needless to say, I only met his daughter a year later- so 1.5 years into our relationship and things still hadn't progressed in terms of his martial status. In fact, I finally met his daughter after I broke up with him and moved out. So, almost as a sign of his 'commitment' I met his daughter. I now have a very close relationship with her and enjoy her very much.
A year later and things still haven't moved on at all bar meeting his daughter. I broke up with him again last December and moved out. Once again he begged me to come back, promised this and promised that.. and like a very weak person I agreed and set out my conditions. Of course, he didn't meet those conditions, despite the promises and in April this year I finally decided to end the relationship for good. Although, I loved him- I just couldn't do it anymore- the stress of his mess- it was just driving me crazy, plus being young, nice and attractive girl - working in the city - with the world at my feet I just thought enough is enough!If he can't treat me right, with all the chances ( too many) I have given him then I want to enjoy being single and when the right man comes along then great!
Well, as you can guess, I then found out I was prego. I decided, that regardless I was going to keep the baby. Despite not part of the plan- I just knew that this was something that was meant to be - having this baby- a course of life I was suppose to take...
So despite things not being great- spoke with partner and decided to give it a go trying to do it together. Again, promises promises to sort things etc. Well another 2 months have past and he is still legally married in every way. He has all his finances with his 'wife'. Even his salary goes into a joint account with her. She lives in the martial house, he rents. Her parents live in a house in South A that they own. They pay for their daughter to go to private school and mother is going on a few holidays this year that doubtful she could afford if their salary wasnt still joint. As you may have guessed - she still doesn't know about baby. I'm now three and half months. We haven't told his daughter ( shes 6 1/2 now) because I also believe its only right that her mum knows first.
My partner also is so tight with me. Even though when I moved back in he promised I wouldn't need to pay him the rent ( as I had issues with moving back in with him to pay him money to subsidies him not sorting out his finances with 'wife') . We agreed we would put the money I would usually pay for rent into a pot and save it for us. He went back on that straight away... making me feel guilty telling me that it was 'unfair' on his 'wife' as she would feel as if she was paying for me and manipulating me so I felt like the bad person. So I gave him the silly rent and even paid it into their joint account.
Since I've been prego, he hasn't stepped up. I've told him I'm saving for the baby now and haven't given him rent this month. My parents desperately want me to move home in the interim as they know what stress he is causing me. He is even taking his daughter on holiday in a few weeks and I'm not going because, I can't afford it as I'm saving for things for the baby- he thinks that is fine... hasn't even offered to contribute or pay for me to come with his ( as its a holiday for his daughter and he should want me there) He moans about money all the time with me- but with his 'wife' doesnt matter. He never treats me, hasn't looked into buying baby stuff- does'nt even buy me cheap flowers EVER.
We're supposed to be moving to his mothers in the interim before the baby is born, but now I really don't want to as he has NO plan. Shows no commitment. My view is that at least if I am on my own I have a plan- with him I am always waiting for him to tell me when he's ready to have a plan. So I am 80% I am moving back to my parents in the interim next week.
Any thoughts appreciated.
PS- just so its clear- this is not a secret relationship- all his family and friends know him and I are together and have known 6 months into our relationship- his 'wife' has known since then too.
I know - I feel like an idiot having been with him so long when he has treated me like this- I know I have been walked over and not been strong.
Being pregnant is emotionally hard at the best of times, I think you have to do the best you can to protect yourself and get the support that you need.
It would seem your parents are a much better bet in this regard than him, who doesn't seem to be offering you anything, really.
If you move in with your parents, do you have a long term strategy there in terms of an exit plan/childcare/ returning to work in the city (if this is what you wish to do) so that you aren't equally trapped there?
My love, you already know what you need to do. This man will never commit to you. He has the best of both worlds, why should he want things to change? It's obvious that his 'commitment' is to his wife and child, even if they are living separately. He is selfish and cheap when it comes to you, please think of what that really, really means as far as what he thinks of you and what the future would hold. Do you really want your child to be 'second best'?
You need to cut this off, tell him not to contact you, and run don't walk back to your parents to lick your wounds and plan for your future. You also need to see a solicitor about your legal rights regarding this coming child.
Oh, good lord, poor you! Just in case it isn't altogether clear yet - this man is a complete toe-rag; an emotional and financial leech who cares only about what he can get from women. Putting a physical distance between you will help to make the final break you so desperately need to make. Whether your parents' home is the best solution for this depends very much on what they're like, your relationship with them, and the considerations Sunday mentioned above.
OP, you do know he is still shagging his 'wife', right?
You know you need to go to your parents where they can give you love and support.
Your knob head of a partner is never going to step up.
He has made so many promises over the years.
Let your mum and dad look after you.
I know I'd want my daughter to come to me in your situation.
I would be so sad if she didn't.
Get out now and get on with your new life without this horrible man dragging you down.
Stop wasting your life with this arsehole. He is no prize.
You know what you have to do, OP. Your post says it all. You shouldn't be stressing at the moment, you should be enjoying your pregnancy.
Go back to your parents and don't look back, he isn't worth it.
It's hard on you, yes. But it's also hard on his wife whom he no doubt feels loyalty for if not love. I though you were going to tell us that his wife doesn't know about you and you are still the OW. However you are in a relationship with him which the world knows about. I'm not sure really what you are asking for. You are working so should contribute to rent presumably so I don't understand your problem with that. You knew he was married and although he is with you, he is not prepared to leave his wife and daughter in the lurch financially which I actually think shows a degree of respect and decency.
There are no clear winners in this situation, only compromises and second bests. Thems the breaks of being with married/divorced men sadly.
I think you would be happier with someone who has never been married and has no children.
His poor wife. I really feel for her and their daughter. What message this has given her about relationships who knows. You have just been about sex and excitement. Now that has gone because your having a baby and its all a bit of a mess. You reap what you sow and your chickens have came home to roost. No sympathy here.
Oh op. I hate using the old LTB as it seems so flippant...but in this case all I can say is LTB. He's no good.
Oh and the wife should LTB too.
Firstly, Thank you to those who provided constructive comments- DeMaz- he is not shagging his wife. We live together 24/7 the only time he sees her is to pick up his daughter.
Quitelikey- what a ridiculous comment to make - I can only assume you're a bitter divorcee or in a bitter marriage. His 'wife' is as much to blame as everyone else in this scenario as she has known about our relationship the whole way through, plus we have his daughter most weekends and for holidays...so while I agree that the child is the one that suffers here- I don't think that was the intention on my part of the 'wife'. I simply assumed that the relationship was going forward and that their martial issues would be sorted and the his daughter would part of her fathers family as much her mothers. This is the modern world get with it. I didn't stay with him just for the sex! I thought, we were planning a future together which included marriage and babies. Like I said, on my part naive and I am not looking for sympathy.
His daughter though will be affected by this, unless fixed, as finding out in adult years that she has a brother or sister..( but believe me I will try my hardest to ensure that does not happen for her sake) plus her attachment to me and me and her father together.
BTW - I agree about him providing for his daughter and ex - he has an obligation which I strongly believe he should adhere to. I suppose my grumble is that I get treated in a diff manor when I believe I should also be a priority.
I do think I deserve better - this is a mess which I have created and now have to deal with the consequences. Now I know, push comes to shove he wont step up and when it comes down to it- I had enough being 2nd best and I don't want my child to grow up feeling that way. No siree
Oh dear, OP, I don't know what same of the people posting here have understood from your post, but you don't deserve these comments, anymore than you deserve the treatment your partner is meeting out to you.
OP you want to try reading some of the threads on here written by the wives of these bastards before you start accusing others of been bitter. The insight in to what it is like when your husband cheats would do you good.
Also he lived 24/7 with his wife and still managed to shag you so don't assume jut because you live together this twat won't have the opportunity.
He has lied to you from the start, dragged his feet and not committed to you. He will now have 2 children in his life which he will be a part time parent to.
You know you should end it with him as he is always going to be a disappointment to you and to your child.
Zpush I don't necessarily think that your child should be kept away from it's father or 1/2 sister. Just that you need to get away now while there is time to plan for the future before the baby comes and to put some distance between you and him so you can learn to live without him and heal. Some men can be shit husbands/partners yet still be good fathers (I expect I'll get some flack for this, but I've seen it) so just because you end your involvement with him doesn't mean that he can't/shouldn't see his child. And he does have an obligation to provide for your child just as he provides for his daughter.
As far as those who feel 'judgy', I absolutely believe that one should never get involved with a MM, even if they are living separately from their wife. It's not right morally nor is it ever in the best interests of the woman (as we can see from this situation). BUT Zpush is where she is and is asking for help. I've made dubious decisions in my past so I'm not going to hoike my bosom & tut-tut whilst simultaneously wagging my finger and cat's-bum-facing at her. Although I'm really rather good at it, if I say so myself. I'm just going to offer her what little advice I have and wish her well. She's going to need a lot of strength in the coming months.
Sorry- may be I wasn't clear Funnyfoot. He was already separated and living APART when I met him. He never cheated on his wife with me. Well in a law of Court she could fight that I suppose.. but they were separated a long while before I was on the scene
sorry * court of law* not law of court...
Thanks Across the Pond. Without rose tinted glasses I can certainly see what this is- I am am not proud of myself for choosing this relationship. He is a very good dad to his daughter- think he was a pretty crap husband as much as he has been a crap partner to me too-but a very good dad.
I am so scared about doing this alone. I honestly thought when I fell pregnant I would be in a happy secure relationship looking towards a shared future. I know many over people have been through single parenthood- but still daunting
I'm sorry to have to put it like this, but you are surprised that he is treating his legally wedded wife (there is no need for the inverted commas there - she is his wife) better than he is treating his live in girlfriend?
I am genuinely sorry that you are in this situation. I am genuinely sorry for his wife as well. What I cannot fathom, however, is how the fuck this man still has not one but TWO women in his life that are willing to put up with this shit.
You should not have stayed with this man when you found out he was still married and not even separated, but you know that already. The "modern world" does not excuse between a willing mistress. HOWEVER, that's in the past.
Right now you are lucky enough not to have any legal attachment to this man. Make the most of it. Go to your parents - like you said, you are young and have the world at your feet. A child won't impact that.
What I would recommend is for you to let go of these bitter feelings that you seem to have for this man's poor wife. You seem to blame her in a way for still being married to your boyfriend - but - and I mean this as kindly as possible believe me - she was there first. She made a legal and social commitment to that man and it's not for you to judge her for her marital decisions. If you can bear it, I honestly think it might be worth you reaching out to her and invite her for coffee somewhere public. She deserves to know that you are pregnant and plan to keep the child, and if her cowardly fucktard of a husband won't tell her, then it's your responsibility.
If you are a gracious person, you would also apologise for your part in her pain (and I guarantee she has been through a lot of pain) and tell her what you plan to do. Hopefully leave the piece of shit.
As an afterthought, maybe you guys could bond over what a complete shit head this man is
It is a sad situation for you. But once you had discovered he was married and didn't seem overkeen to leave his wife you should have ended the relationship. But that's fine in hindsight. I think you should do the best you can for yourself and your child because really what can you expect from this man except more heartache, disappointment and let downs.
I put 'wife' in inverted commas as although that's what the law says I'm sure she doesn't consider herself to be his wife anymore. I don't blame her at all but I am simply saying that everyone in this is as much to blame and has played their part in the scenario. I am only angry at one person here and that's HIM.
I am certainly meeting with her- I have wanted to for a long time and we have spoken over skype ( when he is skyping his daugther) or on the phone a few times. His daughter also keeps asking about us meeting ( she just wants things to feel normal I suppose) I do want her to know that I am sorry about the current- but that also this man has been manipulating two people for his own gain.
Sorry OP, but he can't be a 'very good dad' and at the same time a crap husband or father. Good dads model healthy and responsible adult relationships to their children, regardless of whether they are with the mother of the child. Crap partner equals crap father. This means to his daughter and your child in the future.
And she's not his 'wife'. She's his wife.
and yes I should have left him yes on the two occasions I broke up with him and moved out I should have cut him out. Love does stupid things. We don't plan to make mistakes but we do. Hopefully we can learn from them
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.