Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Kids are happy, DH is happy, I'm not. I want to split up but it feels so selfish.

(17 Posts)
pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 10:49:14

I can't guarantee I'll be any happier without him. So who the heck am I to mess up all our lives? I don't even know where to start but this is as much as I can muster for now!

How do you make this decision?

Elderflowergranita Mon 16-Jun-14 10:53:17

What's making you unhappy? Have you tried counselling, either as a couple or for you alone?

That would be my first step, unless things are so patently and obviously bad between you that counselling would be futile.

Is he abusive? Boring? Lazy? Addicted to drugs and alcohol?

Is there something about his behaviour that he could change to make you feel better?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 10:59:26

You have to weigh up the pros and cons using the things you know for definite. Forgetting the unknown future for the moment, what is the known present like? Why are you unhappy, how bad is it and what could be done (or what has been tried) to make things better?

pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 11:30:11

He's very selfish. But that's kind of it which is why it feels so ridiculous! He no longer does drugs or drinks too much. He bores me and we have nothing in common. I try to enjoy the stuff he is into but he rarely tries something different for me.

He will force the issue to get everyone onside for his stuff whereas I won't do that.

I suppose he has been trying to change to make me happy for years and actually he should have just said 10 years ago No! This is me. lets go our separate ways.

He says that he agrees with me about money (he spends too much) stuff with the kids (yes we probably should do this/that but then he can't be bothered) and then doesn't follow through.

When we discuss stuff it ends up coming down to petty niggles.

Thank you, strangers on the internet!!

pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 11:31:54

I don't like the message we are giving the kids (ages 7&5)

We don't back each other up. Barely speak. No affection.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 11:37:48

I could be wrong... but it sounds as though you took on 'Mr 90%' hoping or assuming that you would either learn to live with the missing 10% or that he would change his behaviour and make it up that way. And now you've found that, even though he's made some efforts, you no longer care enough to want to tolerate him.

I often think that when you stop caring you should, for everyone's sake, call it a day. For yourself because there's nothing worse than feeling trapped with someone you don't care for. For him because he can't be all that happy with the petty niggles and antagonism - in spite of what you said originally. And for the DCs because it's a pretty shit childhood being held hostage in a failing adult relationship.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 11:38:09

What has he changed?
Drugs and drinking?
That should have been the minimum he should have done for his own children.

The rest, he's happy because he's got his own selfish needs fulfilled.

The children can still be happy if you separate. But they can't be happy seeing a father taking advantage of their mother. It does not model a healthy relationship.

Then, it leaves you. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for someone who won't thank you (your OH) and for those who may actually be damaged by your current relationship (your children)?

pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 11:46:40

I think you're right cogito and lweji. Although I didn't ever think he was 90%
I think he was always selfish but I loved indulging him I guess (my caring side) I didn't extrapolate that that would carry on once we'd had kids!
He didn't stop smoking weed until after the second dc was born.

I'm such a fucking idiot! :-(

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 11:48:12

You are not an idiot. You are a good person.
Unfortunately, good people are often taken advantage of.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 11:51:44

Were you quite young when you met and got together? I ask because I think it's reasonably common for younger couples to grow up at different speeds when DCs arrive. One taking on the extra responsibility & stopping doing childish stuff and the other blithely carrying on as before, adding to the work-load rather than sharing it.

MozzchopsThirty Mon 16-Jun-14 11:57:03

Pink I left my marriage last year.

It was very much like this, he met my basic needs, didn't beat me, didn't fuck other women, good job

However we just co existed in the same house, he wouldn't support my decisions with the dcs, would spend spare money on himself and his hobbies, no respect for me, or my career. No love or affection

I've had a tough year, it's a hard decision when there's nothing 'really wrong' but I also believed I could be happier.
I've had lots of counselling and support from friends and I'm finally in a great place.
My dcs have a mum who is happy, relaxed, fun and silly
We do stuff we would never have done with exh here

pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 12:03:13

Yes cog. I was 18, nearly 19.
Thanks mozz. Good to hear that :-)
If I could have a clean break from him I wouldn't hesitate but you can't do that with kids! He will always be in my life now. So is it going to be worth it?

pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 12:16:22

I don't think for a minute that he can be happy.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 12:36:22

Considering the joy that my exH didn't bring home, I find that I'm much happier without him.

Divorced through a couple of events of DV, but should have separated much earlier.

TheTruffleHunter Mon 16-Jun-14 12:48:22

I found my divorce deeply, deeply traumatic and we didn't even have kids involved. Looking back I'm not sure that I would make that same decision, although I was unhappy. All the advice I was given, like you are here, was to leave, chase my happiness etc.

Better advice (for me) would have been - if the grass looks greener over the fence, tend your own grass. Don't be too quick to jump, you will be living with the consequences of your decision for a long time.

pinksomething Mon 16-Jun-14 13:01:37

Thanks truffle.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now