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if your sisters dp was sending you inappropriate texts..

(101 Posts)
MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:30

...would you tell her?
I left my phone at my sisters yesterday so used dps phone to text her to ask her to keep hold of it for me and noticed loads of texts between her and dp.
Dp has been sending my sister inappropriate texts, nothing to suggest anything is going on but inappropriate all the same
'why don't you text me anymore? sad'
'ill call next time, I'll come round the back wink'
'why don't you come out and meet us, you can lick (sorry pick wink) me up off the floor'
(talking about a hen night she is going on that a few people have pulled out of) ' I'll come with you, could do with a night away in a posh hotel. Don't worry I won't pull out'
Just typing those make me feel sick, things are strained at the moment, I feel like he has no interest in me or the children and will do anything other than spend time with us, put no effort into my birthday and whatever choice/decision I make is wrong or not what he wants.
I have tried to find out what is wrong but he just says everything is fine and makes out I am imagining the problems.
My sister knows things aren't great and is trying to be supportive but hasn't mentioned these texts, her replies have not been encouraging him, either changing the subject, ignoring or her reply to the hen do text was 'as if, no men allowed) so I am not worried there is something going on but I don't know why she hasn't told me.

Wishyouwould Tue 17-Jun-14 16:15:59

Completely agree with Hissy

What a horrible situation OP, hope you get some answers. Good luck.

MexicanSpringtime Tue 17-Jun-14 15:46:07

My daughter had a problem with her friend's fiancé who was coming on to her, almost to the point of attempted rape. She told her friend and her friend choose to end her friendship with my dd and still married the jerk.

I honestly could not live with anyone who was like your DH. It's bad enough that they are looking for sex outside their relationship, but to come on friends and relatives of their wife is the lowest of the low.

Meerka Tue 17-Jun-14 14:54:34

I wonder if your sister feels that she darent offend your DP or you by calling his behavioru out, since he's helping with her messy divorce? She might be afraid you both back off?

Which makes your DP's behaviour vile. To try to home in on a vulnerable naive woman in the middle of a divorce ... god. Im sorry, but with the nature of those texts it's possible he's actually really coming onto her in person too. I think you need to talk to her urgently, to help protect her. The very last thing she needs is a predator she daren't offend.

As someone said up thread, if she's relieved that you bring it up, then that's good news ... or as good as it can be in the circumstances. if she's ashamed, then she might not be as naive as she seemed.

I'm leaning towards her being innocent in all this. Your Dp on the other hand ... sorry, but you deserve much, much better treatment than this.

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 13:52:52

This is a MESS MuchAdo, why are you so involved in her breakup? this is ridiculous.

YOU are her sister. YOU. if she needs support regarding her relationship breakdown, how on earth would a bloke, who is CLEARLY manipulating the situation for his own jollies, have the first clue as to what she should or should not do.

You need to get her to one side and find out what really is going on.

Worst case scenario, she's involved in all this and not stopping it, or he's being sleazy and she doesn't know how to deal with it, or is so wasted by the fallout of the bil divorce thing.

You can't ignore this.

yoyo27 Tue 17-Jun-14 13:45:16

OP, have you spoken to your sister yet? X

AnyFucker Tue 17-Jun-14 09:39:19

What have you decided to do, OP ?

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 09:37:07

DO you think your husband has used your sister's new vulnerability to "swoop in"?

People can hide themselves or they can just turn in to assholes OP. It won't be easy but at least you knwo now and you can start fresh, your sister and you can rely on each other while you are oging through the same thing.

Please don't let him talk his way out of it...he's not just a cheater he's a trying to pressure someone in a vulnerable position and turn in the worst kind of betrayal. He is a massive twat

MuchAdoAboutEverything Tue 17-Jun-14 09:24:42

Hi, sorry I dissapeared last night, had a movie night with dd to take my mind off things..
There are so many replies sorry if I miss anything, the 'I'll call next time' isn't a threat, he was passing her house whilst walking the dog. They do talk regularly, she is going through a messy divorce with ex bil and we are trying to mediate to make it easier on their children.
My sister is quite naive, hates confrontation and tries to see the best in people so would rather sweep it under the carpet and pretend it isn't happening to
avoid an argument.
How can you live with someone for 15 years and not even know them?

U2TheEdge Tue 17-Jun-14 08:35:00

reallyfuckingfedup

We just don't know.

I would hate for the OP to believe 100% her sister is innocent and it turns out that she wasn't.

No one can tell from a few texts so I am not sure why some are so adamant that she is innocent. It may look like she is a victim here by the few texts we have seen but we have no idea what has gone on.

I think it is just wise for the OP to keep an open mind. No one is saying she should go in accusing her but I think it would be foolish to believe she is innocent until she actually speaks with her.

What is wrong with going in with an open mind?

I would also be looking through emails and any other text apps if possible.

How are you this morning OP?

TheWickerWoman Tue 17-Jun-14 08:05:58

Do you think? You may have a point there.. I hope I'm wrong then because it mean dsis hasn't betrayed the op too. Does your dp have a Facebook account or whatsapp you could look through, op?

Frontier Tue 17-Jun-14 08:01:30

I read that as a threat Wicker - if you don't reply I'll call - and an opportunity to add some sleazy "banter"

TheWickerWoman Tue 17-Jun-14 07:55:27

'I'll call next time'

Next time?

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 07:33:51

Actually OP, is there any history of manipulative/abusive relationships that your sister would have witnessed?

IF she's a naïve/innocent party in all this, if there is such an unhealthy dynamic in her history (even if it's your parents/GP) it might have conditioned her into not being able to respond powerfully.

I'd be honest with her I think, tell her I know, and ask her outright what was going on, without accusations, just wanting to know the truth. Calm, non-aggressive and collaborative.

Thing is, genie's out of the bottle now, so you have to do something, or it'll turn you into a paranoid wreck.

Sorry, it's a hideous situation, whatever is at the core, your head must be absolutely whirling!

defineme Tue 17-Jun-14 07:28:22

I also hope that some of your anxiety and depression might lift if you get rid of this poor excuse for a dp.

defineme Tue 17-Jun-14 07:25:36

Sister is a victim of sexual harassment. Why the hell should she know how to deal with it. I freeze up in that kind of situation or sometimes I've been very naive and not understood what the man was getting at-back door is new to me. My friend has been harassed by her bil and she knows her sister doesn't want to know. I feel very sorry for op's sister -I imagine he lulled her into texting with innocent stuff and then turned it sleazy.
Get your free half hour of legal advice op-you may have more rights than you thi k.
sorry this has happened to you. Document everything and prepare yourself.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:16

Exactly, 'cheeky banter' bleuch. I bet if op had done a reverse thread many posters would say don't get involved , it will ruin your relationship, let your sister figure it out for herself

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 07:10:02

Exactly, 'cheeky banter' bleuch. I bet if op had done a reverse thread many posters would say don't get involved , it will ruin your relationship, let your sister figure it out for herself

Lweji Tue 17-Jun-14 06:53:36

I agree with tortoise.
The texts are not so bad that she could show them to you and be confident that you'd think he was a creep. It might well create a problem between you two.
She may not be sure herself of what to think about them and consider "cheeky banter". We see it here often enough how these men are just excused.

What are you doing about it?

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 06:49:33

If he has kept all the incredibly inappropriate texts that he has done, why the assumption that there might be worse ones that he has deleted? Op tread carefully with your sister don't lose someone who loves you because you have a twat for a husband

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 06:25:01

Actually I have re-read the op. She has been replying, but noncommittal responses, and definitely not shutting him down/ignoring him.

The why don't you text me anymore from him is telling.

Proves at some point there was more of a dialogue.

Reading your op again actually it looks pretty bad. Please prepare yourself for the worst. Be strong. You are by no means alone.

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 06:18:50

I think the best plan is to assume/pretend that the sister is innocent and approach her and say 'i've just seen the texts you've been getting from this bastardP, i'm so sorry, are you ok?. You could have told me earlier'

The best way to stop this is to blow it out of the water.

Once all the details come out, you can deal with them bit by bit.

We'll be here to help/handhold/bury him under the patio smile

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 17-Jun-14 02:31:04

Oh! Lightbulb. That first text: "why don't you text me anymore". That tells you everything. They were texting, friendly, and then he slowly stepped it up to get more and more flirtatious. And she's responded by shutting it down as much as possible, but of course she hasn't told you, because she's scared that she led him on. Predators always make women feel that.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 17-Jun-14 02:28:55

I agree with MadameD. I think your sister has been unsure how to deal with it, hoping it'll go away, doubting whether she's over-reacting herself. She may also have kept the texts intending to show you once she's got enough evidence. The worst scenario for her is that she tells you and you laugh it off and accuse her of wanting your DP/trying to break you up. And everyone thinks he's a nice guy, etc., so...

You've been together a long time, which also makes it more complicated.

I'd raise it with her, not accusingly, but in a 'I found this out' way, and you may find out that she's relieved to be able to talk to you about it.

look, normal folk just don't know how to deal with sexual predators, which is what the predator relies upon.

He has put the sister in an invidious position, because he genuinely believes she will not rock the family boat by grassing him up. He is preying upon her normal sense of keeping family safe while making sure she does not say anything.

He is the abusive bastard here.

Poor you OP. Poor sister.

Stick with your decent family . Tell your sister you know about his sexually conniving texts to her. Tell her you know its absolutely not her fault.

She must be in turmoil right now.

Not to say you are not. The bastard is using you and your family for his little sexual games.

This is hard core stuff. Please do not ignore. or minimise.

You deserve better.

YourBrotherInLaw Mon 16-Jun-14 22:47:20

Precious your sister?! shock

I think the sister is an ok egg here op. She doesn't sound like she's encouraging it and probably doesn't want to rock the boat by telling you.

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