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if your sisters dp was sending you inappropriate texts..

(101 Posts)
MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:30

...would you tell her?
I left my phone at my sisters yesterday so used dps phone to text her to ask her to keep hold of it for me and noticed loads of texts between her and dp.
Dp has been sending my sister inappropriate texts, nothing to suggest anything is going on but inappropriate all the same
'why don't you text me anymore? sad'
'ill call next time, I'll come round the back wink'
'why don't you come out and meet us, you can lick (sorry pick wink) me up off the floor'
(talking about a hen night she is going on that a few people have pulled out of) ' I'll come with you, could do with a night away in a posh hotel. Don't worry I won't pull out'
Just typing those make me feel sick, things are strained at the moment, I feel like he has no interest in me or the children and will do anything other than spend time with us, put no effort into my birthday and whatever choice/decision I make is wrong or not what he wants.
I have tried to find out what is wrong but he just says everything is fine and makes out I am imagining the problems.
My sister knows things aren't great and is trying to be supportive but hasn't mentioned these texts, her replies have not been encouraging him, either changing the subject, ignoring or her reply to the hen do text was 'as if, no men allowed) so I am not worried there is something going on but I don't know why she hasn't told me.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:29:47

A lot of times there is a shoot the messenger reaction from the person who has been told about things like this, and your sister might worry that if she did tell you it could cause problems between you and her. She might worry that your husband would wriggle out of it and she'd end up looking like she's somehow at fault. She might feel that she'd be putting extra strain on an already fractious relationship. She might be horrified and is trying not to make the situation real by voicing it. She could be Waiting for what seems like the right time to tell you.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:30:54

Sorry, partner.

I think you should forward the msgs to yourself so you have definite proof of their existence. Then you should figure out what you want to do.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:31:50

Think about what you are actually getting out of this relationship.

I'm sorry things have been rough :-(

ThinkIveBeenHacked Mon 16-Jun-14 10:32:22

Those are definetley inappropriate and I would have it out with dp (after doing more snooping and screenshotting the lot).

The outcome does not look great

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:33:36

Yes I agree he needs to be confronted about this. But I would think good and hard first about what you actually want so that you can be firm and decisive about where to go from here.

Ridiculously juvenile and so disrespectful of you.

Her responses are not encouraging which is good. She may be wondering how to broach it with you.

Have you confronted DP about this? What do YOU want to do about the situation?

(Sorry, not terribly helpful - hoping more folks will be along with advice very soon)

HappyLandSpaceMan Mon 16-Jun-14 10:42:49

I would have shown you, rather than told you- however I do feel that it is a horrific situation to be in and can understand why she may have felt she couldn't say. I'm so sorry for you

yoyo27 Mon 16-Jun-14 10:46:11

Your sister said "you can lick (sorry pick ;-)) me up off the floor"?????

Horrendously inappropriate by both of them and I would ask what was going on between them

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:49:23

He said that to her...

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 16-Jun-14 10:52:41

so I am not worried there is something going on but I don't know why she hasn't told me.

Your sister is being flirted with/hounded by your DP - you say yourself her texts are not responsive - yet you are concentrating on her failure to tell you.

Why aren't you thinking about your sexually incontinent DP - who thinks its funny/sexy to come onto 'family members?

This is what I would be worried about.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 16-Jun-14 10:53:55

BTW, you are not imagining things.

This behavior - which I reckon is the tip of the iceberg - is inappropriate, embarrassing and twattish.

MollySolverson Mon 16-Jun-14 10:55:52

Sorry, why the hell wasn't your sister replying things like "never ever send me a message like this again, you are my sister's dp"??! It sounds like there was something going on but she's not finished it? Sorry you're going through this

yoyo27 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:01:03

I definitely read that as the sister saying it about a hen night she was going on

HenI5 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:03:17

I'd get a record of them and then meet up with DSis telling her you've been using his phone and saw those messages. Say no more than that and see what she tells you.
I definitely wouldn't be happy, not at all.

If you normally find your sister to be an ok person, then I would say she is probably trying not to make things any worse by making a big deal about his texts to her. As you say her replies don't seem to be encouraging anything, she's maybe been trying to keep it neutral and treating it as far less important than what else is going on in your relationship.

Your partner is the real problem. Do you like being with someone who behaves this way? You aren't imagining the problems and everything isn't 'fine'. Personally, I'd be packing his bags and telling him to sling his hook, but it's up to you if you think this is salvageable.

SleepyBum Mon 16-Jun-14 11:07:53

I was put in a similar position when I was 19. A good friend's DP tried it on with me drunkenly one night when I stayed over, to the point where he was following me and trying to get into my room. I didn't know how to handle it at the time and I tried to laugh it off and cajole him out as I didn't want to cause a scene...

I never told my friend and agonised about it for ages - I always said in that position I would have told them straight away but the reality was very different. I was scared to be the one to bring her world crashing down, was scared in case she thought I had encouraged it (I didn't). I knew she was really in love with him and I (selfishly ) didn't want it to ruin our friendship. Ironically after that we started to drift apart. I don't know if she knew deep down, if she had heard anything or if he had said anything, but it was never the same after that.

What I am trying to say (through the waffle! ) is that your sister may be trying to protect you, scared to say anything or rock the boat and from the sounds of it is unsure of the best way to deal with how your partner is behaving towards her. Hence the lighthearted replies or ignoring.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:11:03

It's from him to her - context and wording confirms that. Others have pulled out of hen do, he says don't worry I won't pull out.

Yes it's possible they had something going on before which could be one reason why she hasn't told you, but there's no way we could know if that's the case. The text saying why don't you text me anymore is one possible clue toward that. But it could just as well have been an innocent texting exchange at some point.

If it were me I'd be packing his bags.

He doesn't want to be there, that much is clear from his behaviour toward you.

He doesn't respect you, or value your relationship.

You surely cannot respect him seeing as he has behaved this way.

But you need to be firmly convinced in your own mind about what's right for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 11:16:02

eWhy she hasn't told you is not so important. Your first priority is to haul your DP over the coals for being a flirting arsehole.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:16:18

Argh sorry completely ppquoted the rap wrong bit there.

OP is not posting an exchange but his texts to her.

But also, if the sister had sent a text like that I think the OP would not have said that her sister's texts are not encouraging it in any way...

Anyway this is all besides the point.

I'm sorry you've found this out. I hope that you can get yourself together to be strong and do what's right for you and your children.

Think about the wider relationship. Is it worth fighting for or is this the writing on the wall?

neiljames77 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:16:55

Why hasn't your sister not just told him to piss off and tell you about it but has also kept the texts and not deleted them?
Best case scenario, your husband is behaving like a dick and your sister doesn't want to upset you.
Worst case scenario, you're being betrayed by the two people you should be relying on most.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:17:00

Uhm damn autocorrect, you know what meant!

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:18:48

Also I'm not sorry you've found this out, that's actually a good thing. I am very Sorry you were put into a situation where you had to find something this out, though.

Make sure you save the texts. And whatever you do, don't let him get away with claims that this is just friendly banter. It's really not.

HecatePropylaea Mon 16-Jun-14 11:21:17

I would first talk to your sister. From what you say, she is not a willing participant here. If she is changing the subject, not responding in the same way etc then is it really likely that she wants or is welcoming this? More likely that he is sexually harassing her and she does not know how to handle it, possibly because she fears you being upset. This has actually been a thread on here more than once, from the person who is receiving unwanted texts. They agonise over how to reply because they don't want to cause hurt to the innocent party.

Perhaps if you copy the messages and go to see her on your own, you might be able to talk it through with her, and get her support and also she may feel that she can tell the creepy bastard to fuck off.

How you deal with him is more difficult. He is sounding very very sleezy indeed. It really is up to you. You could print out the texts and lay them in front of him. You could tell him to get out, you could ask him why he thinks your sister wants his inappropriate texts, it really does depend what you feel able to do and what outcome you are hoping for.

One thing is for sure though, doing nothing will eat away at you and keep you so miserable you won't be able to function.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 11:29:50

I'm guessing she doesn't want to be the reason for you to split up and she is probably afraid you'll turn on her.

I'd be telling her you know about them and ask her if he has shown other inappropriate behaviour towards her.

Then talk to a solicitor.

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