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How do you deal with your boyfriends jealous mate?

(21 Posts)
Thatslife72 Sun 15-Jun-14 23:10:31

Well I think it's jealousy I can't think what else it would be, I've met him probably a handful of times a couple of those times this particular person has been completely drunk but chatty and ok really. The other times when he hasn't been drunk, he either completely ignores me or has digs at me and I now feel really uncomfortable around him and it makes it worse that everyone else thinks he's great and is a popular guy with the men and the women. I think what it is is my bf sees him a lot less now he has me, I don't try and stop him going out but he just doesn't want to as much. It also be he's being protective over him as my bf ex wife hurt him etc etc everyone else is fine with me, his family etc etc, but I just don't know how to handle it. I've mentioned it a bit to my bf, I don't think he really knows how to handle it either, he just thinks maybe he's unhappy himself.

Is it best to try and ignore it and smile sweetly and hope he gets over it, be horrid back, get my bf to say something I don't know any ideas?

Aussiebean Sun 15-Jun-14 23:20:01

If you really haven't done anything to hurt either of them then I think you bf needs to handle this. Not you.

He can take him aside and talk to him. Tell him he has noticed and that it is not acceptable and he needs to be nice. Your bf also needs to say if he can't the bf will start limiting his time with him.

Then if the friend ignore him the bf has to calling him on it every time he does it. And start to limit his time.

Quitelikely Sun 15-Jun-14 23:22:05

It can be hard dealing with a jealous person because that logic can be flawed. I would see how it goes tbh but I would draw the line at him being rude to you. Or trying to humiliate you.

Can you give an example of his behaviour towards you?

Bogeyface Sun 15-Jun-14 23:22:41

Sounds like Smithy in Gavin and Stacey!

Have you spoken to your BF about it? What is his reaction when his friend is so rude to you?

How he reacts will be say a lot because if he expects you to just put up with it then thats not good. If he is pissed off with how his mate treats you then its a better sign.

JaceyBee Sun 15-Jun-14 23:25:02

I would just take him to one side and ask in an assertive but non-confrontational way what his problem is. And see where that leads. Don't allow him to take the piss and be blatantly rude in front of people, try and nip it in the bud asap.

Thatslife72 Sun 15-Jun-14 23:41:52

Well last night he wasn't rude to me he just generally ignored me seemed ok with everyone else except for me, it made me uncomfortable I even bought him a drink as part of a round no thank yous and no drink returned but he didn't actually buy a round while we were there so it wasn't just me he didn't buy one for. However the time before we were at someone's house having dinner, I felt he was a little off with me and picked it up so felt uncomfortable, then he said things like why you getting a taxi you should of got her to drive , which ok is not major but a little off! Then someone brought up about her husband spilling red wine on their cream carpet, I said oh yes my bf did that at Xmas, to me it wasn't a really big deal the carpet needed changing anyway and bf did feel bad at the time but we laughed about it, but his friends response was, so what get over it shit happens! I just said well yes it didn't matter really. There was general things he brought up that even my bf thought was odd and that he might be trying to cause trouble.

My bf I think was a little shocked and didn't say anything at the time, but afterwards when he thought about it he did say he thought he was out of order and a bit obnoxious and thought maybe he was a tad jealous or something. I got over it and the next time I saw him he was drunk and seemed absolutely fine. Last night though he just seemed miserable and cold I think maybe even a bit with my bf, he said yeh he was a bit miserable last night wasn't he, I don't know if he's clicked he's like that when he's with me or not, we didn't discuss it anymore as being Father's Day we were busy with kids etc.

I am quite sensitive but it has made me feel awful I don't really want to be in his company anymore, but he seems really popular with everyone that's what hurts. Is it down to my bf to deal with it he has known him for 40 odd years, they've lived together been on holiday together and are pretty close or at least have been.

Quitelikely Sun 15-Jun-14 23:48:46

He just sounds like a jealous sour puss. Not sure how it can end well for you if your bf tries to discuss it with him. He may well deny it but the good thing is your bf has witnessed it.

Since they have been friends such a long time I guess it will be an uncomfortable conversation for them to have. Alternatively could you try to have a quiet word with him? Otherwise I would just be civil and polite when in his presence.

Thatslife72 Mon 16-Jun-14 00:00:57

Well I was thinking I would just leave it for a bit longer see if he improves as I don't see him that often, and just smile sweetly at the right times, but I thought I'd have an honest conversation with my bf about it and how it's made me feel and just ask him to keep an eye out and if he is rude to me to say something at the time even if it's humorous just so he knows he's noticed, plus it's always good to have it in the open with my bf and we are close. He was single for quite a few years you see and was with him quite a lot from what I can gather and bf has turned down a lot of stuff . What do you think? X

Caramelle Mon 16-Jun-14 00:34:03

I can't believe this guy isn't a 20-something idiot. He sounds extremely immature. I would definitely ask your bf to have a word, especially since he's noticed it. Otherwise it's as though he condones this behavior.

sykadelic Mon 16-Jun-14 02:40:28

Agree with PP. i definitely think your bf needs to have a word that HE has noticed and other people have as well that he's rude to you and ask him what the deal is.

I'm sure you know he doesn't have to like you, personality clashes sometimes just happen, but he needs to not be rude and he needs to know it's not okay.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 16-Jun-14 03:39:39

I had this once. Pathetic isnt it?

kaatieexox Mon 16-Jun-14 04:04:51

I'm in the same boat. My fella used to live with a guy for about 4 years they were best of friends till he met me. They still lived together for about a year into our relationship and DPs mate must of spoke to me about 3 times. He used to completely ignore me if we was in the same room and it's so uncomfortable. We got our own place last year and have had a baby and hes still the same. If he comes round which is very rare he won't really say much to me just a nod of the head or something.

Turns out he was jealous and thought of me as "stealing" his friend. What an arse!

Just try not to let it bother you much, or just ignore him or make little digs at him see how he likes it!

Thatslife72 Mon 16-Jun-14 07:37:12

It's ridiculous isn't it, the thing is I understand that not everyone likes everyone he doesn't have to like me, but he doesn't know me or talked to me and rudeness us not on. I will discuss it my bf I need him to be aware if nothing else. I know it's awkward for him but if it was a friend of mine I would not be happy !! It's just something you wouldn't expect from a 47 year old man!! Ffs!!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 16-Jun-14 09:00:44

I think DP should say something to his mate. After all it's not going to endear you to DP if his trusted wingman is giving you daggers or sarky comments. And you aren't likely to do any matchmaking from your pool of friends if he's single.

If you took him to one side and tried to reassure him you are not out to hurt DP and don't plan on edging out any of his friends, do you think he'd listen and take it on board or smell weakness and redouble his efforts to undermine you?

Thatslife72 Mon 16-Jun-14 09:17:04

This guy isn't single he's married not sure if that makes it worse or better, I don't think he's overly happy though! I'm not really the type to pull him aside and say anything , if it got really bad I would retaliate but that would just be uncomfortable for everyone. I think I will have a discussion with my bf, I think if he says anything again bf should say something but if things start to improve then great! But no I've decided I'm not going to tolerate rudeness I've done nothing wrong at all !

Bogeyface Mon 16-Jun-14 09:21:07

The fact that he is married and not very happy may make more sense of it actually.

I wonder if he had this idea that if his marriage ended him and your BF could lad it around enjoying the single life together and now you have put the kibosh on it because he isnt single anymore!

Thatslife72 Mon 16-Jun-14 09:30:11

Yeh possibly bogeyface. But this guy has no children he always wanted them but his wife of 6 or 7 years didn't want any, we have 4 children between us and do a lot of family things which he knows about because we put pictures on Facebook etc. so this guy does go out quite a lot still, weekends away etc my bf goes very occasionally but a lot less now he's with me I think he's been out on a Saturday night 2 times this year were it was probably once a month or so before. I think his friend thinks I should look after his kids while he goes out he's said something of the sort, and I would babysit sometimes and I have actually and he has for me, but because bf doesn't have his kids all the time he wants to spend time with his kids as well as me, then the following weekend when we are kid free we kind of want to spend it together as we don't get much time together with not living together, so I think this is what it has to do with . Still pathetic of a 47 year old man though !!!

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA Mon 16-Jun-14 09:32:19

He fancies you and this behaviour is his way of covering it up.

Thatslife72 Mon 16-Jun-14 10:00:16

Ha ha I don't think so round, but anything is possible ! I am younger than his wife lol !

Thatslife72 Mon 16-Jun-14 16:44:34

Most of you think my bf should perhaps say something, so I will see what he says but it think maybe leave it until he does something else now, as he might just deny he's done anything especially Saturday night as he was just cold and grumpy towards me really , ah people why can't they just be happy for you? I actually lost a friend this year due to jealousy pffft !!!!!

Thatslife72 Thu 19-Jun-14 15:00:16

Just thought would update you, if anyone reads it, I had a long discussion with bf about this guy, it turns out my bf is furious with him and thinks he's way out of order and has actually been thinking about it himself! This guy is very much for 'the lads' if you know what I mean, and I think maybe he thought I shouldn't of been at the pub on last Saturday watching the football, and he was actually funny with my bf too. In a text he said no girls allowed ha ha , he thought he was joking but maybe not, but then again this guys wife was there. Anyway we haven't exactly decided how to handle it yet as bf will see him again tonight for tonight's football match (maybe I should turn up lol). But what he did say was there was no way I should put up with him being rude to me and that I will always come first not some immature bloke and he will not have it no matter how long he's known him! So that at least has put my mind at rest a bit, as I have his support.

Last night he said he was going to say something but this morning he calmed down and thinks it may not be the right time tonight but I'm just glad I have his support. He thinks there is definately some jealousy there but we're not exactly sure what, people eh you'd think they would just be happy for you !

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