YY the other was deleted, this must be the re-worded one.
I don't know that it's helpful to focus on individuals as individual people will have different experiences. Plus, I don't think that anybody could have told my pre-children self anything which would have changed my mind about my ex. In fact a few people did try to warn me about him. I think that a more general question is interesting/relevant, but the thread will go one way or another :)
Reposting my thoughts from the other thread:
Abusers never appear like abusers at first. The relationship will start off just like any other, and the incidents and/or red flags at first are tiny, so small that 99.9999999% of people would brush off an incident, make excuses, feel that he wasn't at fault. It starts with entirely innocent sounding comments. "I prefer you in the blue shirt to the yellow one." "Do we really have to go and meet your friends tonight? I'm really tired and think I'm coming down with something." "I don't think your mum likes me very much" - the kind of thing which happens in normal, healthy relationships, it's just it's coming from a different place. Then it just kind of escalates, once you are used to a certain level. By the time it gets to a level where it's noticeable by others it's so normal to you that you dismiss any concerns.
The problem with talking about a "victim script" is that it doesn't really work that way - an abuser is going to have an abusive relationship, whoever he (or she) is with. Of course not every one of their relationships will work out but that could be down to many reasons - the potential victim could have left because of entirely unrelated reasons, perhaps they are still emotionally involved with someone else, or a relationship feels like too much hard work at the time, or they did see the red flags, but not always. Whereas if a person who might become a victim is with someone who is kind and reasonable, no abuse can occur. Furthermore it's not accurate to talk/think about "people who may become victims" because although it's true that some abuse victims are playing out roles from childhood or more easily accepting of abusive behaviour because they think it's normal or because of low self esteem, or they're in a vulnerable place at the time of the relationship, etc, the problem with this is that abuse can happen to anyone, if anything, the "victim script" is more the natural reaction to abusive behaviour. It's not as though she, or he, is enabling the abuse, it just is. Self aware, strong, feminist, confident, male people get abused. There isn't a common thread running through the identity of abuse victims. They are just reacting reasonably and compassionately to someone who is not acting reasonably or normally or genuinely towards them. They're acting in exactly the same way they would in a healthy relationship, the difference is that the abuser is not acting in a healthy way towards them.