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Husbands affair, leaving, moving on

(27 Posts)
cornflakes91 Sun 15-Jun-14 18:58:59

Hi not sure what i'm hoping to get from this, advice on how to move forward and stop being so sad all the time I guess.

Husband and me met 6 years ago when I was 17 and he was 22. He swept me off my feet, my first and only love. We moved in together after 4 months, he proposed and we got married after just 9 months. He was desperate to be a dad and begged me to come off the pill, I fell pregnant and had our eldest daughter, shortly followed by a son and youngest daughter. They are now 4, 2.5 and 10 months. I was working as a care assistant when we married but have been a SAHM since eldests birth, at his request. We have had our fair share of arguments over the years but have generally been happy and loving towards eachother.

In february, on the way to sunday dinner at my mums house he suddenly out of the blue during a very minor disagreement over wether he should have his neck tatooed told me that he loved me as the mother of his children but he wasn't in love with me anymore and he wanted out. I was distraught and begged him to give me a chance to make him happier and fall in love with me again. He agreed and for the 3 months that followed I was the perfect wife, didn't ask him to lift a finger round the house, didn't disagree with him, sex at least 5 times a week. He seemed happy and told me he loved me more than anything, made future plans with me, was affectionate etc. He even once cried saying he couldn't believe he almost gave me and the kids up.

I had however become a little secretly paranoid during this time, over the past few months he had become increasingly cagey with his phone, never out of his
pocket, taking it to the toilet in the night etc. One morning in march when he was asleep i'm ashamed to say I had a little look at it, there were no recent messages in the inbox, all deleted however in his call logs it showed that he had messaged a number called 'boss2' around 20 times the previous day. I asked him who this person was and he said it was the old manager who had left, then changed his mind and named a different male collegue who he said had the nickname 'boss'. When I threated to phone the number he revealed it was in fact the female deputy manager at the private hospital he works at. He claimed it was all innocent, they
were just friends and said he would stop texting her if it made me uncomfortable.

A couple of days after this he put a pin code on his phone and when questioned about it became very angry and said it was 'the principle of the matter' and I should never have snooped on him. He had also started working late (until midnight instead of 8pm) and going out alot to play poker/pool with 'lads from work'. I was never allowed to meet his work friends nor go to any work related parties. When questioned about these things I would just get answers like 'can i not have a social life'
and 'don't you want me to do well at work and earn more money'.

4 weeks ago he came home from a night shift, was being very loving etc, went to bed, got up in the afternoon was sat at the kitchen table texting, his phone was
buzzing like mad I asked him who he was texting he said chris (work friend) I said I didn't believe him and after a little prying he said he was texting a women he
metin tesco who he had been sleeping with for a few months. I begged him to end it and stay but he said he needed space to decide what/who he wanted, packed a bag and went to stay with his brother.

The couple of weeks that followed were awful, coming in and out as he pleased going from saying he was going to come home and he loved me and sleeping with
me one day to shouting and being nasty and saying he was glad to rid of me the next. Then one day his sister came to see me and told me that he'd told her that it was actually his deputy manager at work who he'd been seeing, the same one I had caught him texting. She thought I deserved to know. This woman is also married and her and her husband have a 4 year old son together. In anger I messaged both her and her husband on facebook, her to tell her what I thought of her and him to
tell him what they had been doing. This was in vain though as her and my husband managed to persuade him I was just some loon and it was untrue.

In the time that has followed he has admitted to me all about it, says that when it began we wern't having much sex (newborn ebf dd2 ffs!) and says she offered it on a plate then over time they developed strong feelings for eachother. He says he won't ever come home to me, over the weekend he revealed she has ended things with her husband so they can be together properly, wants to live with her and have a family etc.

I feel completly heartbroken and numb, i'm still so in love with him and it kills me that this women is going to live the life I had wanted, do all the things we had planned. I hate that pretty soon I will probably have to deal with this woman who stole my husband and destroyed my life being around my kids. I'm so sad for the
children that they don't have a proper family anymore and so angry that he can just walk away from all his responsibilities with nothing to show for it other than the
measly £57 pounds a week CMO say he should pay. He gets to pop round a couple of times a week and spend an hour playing with the kids then walk out leaving
them sobbing for him. It all feels so unfair I wish I knew why I wasn't good enough for him.

I have managed to sort out all the practical things money etc but I just can't stop crying and feeling so desperatly sad all the time, I miss him so much. I adore my children and wouldn't change having them for the world but its really hard work and I neve expected to have to do it all alone. I'm very lonely we only moved to this area just before christmas and I don't know anyone, my mum tries to come and help when she can but she's 50 miles away, works fulltime and is still single mum herself to my 14 year old sister so its not often. I just feel like its all sinking in now, he's gone, he's not going to come back and i'm 23 and alone with 3 under 5's including a 10 month old that still bfs almost all night. I trusted him with all my heart, gave him everything he said he wanted and never expected him to do this to me :-( x

Minime85 Sun 15-Jun-14 19:21:03

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you and know someone with lots of great advice will be along soon. What real life support have you got? You really need to try and confide in someone. What he has done just sounds awful. You will
Come out the other side. It may not feel like it now but you will. thanks

Gosh. You have been through so much sweetheart. But you come across as so strong and I am sure you will come out of this stronger than ever.

bluebell345 Sun 15-Jun-14 19:47:48

I am very sorry for what you have been through. It must be very hard, but it will get easier.
Would you like to move where your mother is? They could help you there emotionally and physically.
This man won't come back, just take your children and move away, so you won't need to deal with him and the OW.
Wishing you good luck, hope everything goes easy for you and you feel better soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 15-Jun-14 19:51:47

Oh bloody hell, OP. sad

Listen, there will be some ladies along in a bit who will really turn your head with their commonsense and clear way forward for you and your children.

You may not think you're strong but you will be, by the time you're at the end of your decision-making process, you will be like granite. thanks

cornflakes91 Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:04

My family have been great and very supportive, just far away. I have a couple of friends a few miles away who I see when we can. My mum has suggested moving closer to her but I love my home its in a really nice village and dd1 is very settled in the nursery attached to the school that she has a reception place for september at so I don't know if I want to really.

Twinklestein Sun 15-Jun-14 20:00:31

What about moving back to be near your mum & sister? I understand that she works FT, but I think you could do with the support right now.

Twinklestein Sun 15-Jun-14 20:02:37

xpost with OP.

I can see your reasons for wanting to stay. I guess it comes down to whether you feel you can cope on your own & if the friends you have around there are enough.

kaykayblue Sun 15-Jun-14 20:09:01

I guarantee you that you are going to be so much happier without this man. What did you have to do to make him happy? Become a stepford wife robot with no personality, that made no demands on him. That's not what a relationship should be, and you would drive yourself insane trying to keep that up. And that's not a perfect wife either my love - it really isn't. And it's definitely no way for children to grow up seeing their parents interact.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. So one adulterer has gone off with another adulterer. That ain't going to last - and under no circumstances should you agree to become the booby prize when it doesn't.

I can't even begin to fathom how painful this is, but it will get better. I promise that it will get better. And please don't rush into any other relationships. If you can, try and put a lid on your sadness for the moment - and work out what you need to do. If your current area doesn't work for you, could you look for work nearer your mother and move?

Figure out what YOU need (and that is not some cheating piece of shit that see's women as sex toys as opposed to people), and then try and follow through.

Good luck. I really hope you feel better soon. xxxx

cornflakes91 Sun 15-Jun-14 21:30:11

Thankyou all, i know i'll get through this eventually, i haven't got a choice really. I can't even begin to imagine getting into another relationship, can't think of anything worse tbh.

Lackland Sun 15-Jun-14 21:41:01

Cornflake, he doesn't deserve you or your children.

I wish you luck and joy in your future. For him, I wish that he may live in interesting times.

Vivacia Sun 15-Jun-14 21:43:06

A few thoughts...

1) why does he only give you two hours' respite per week?

2) why does he see them in your home?

3) the ow is not solely responsible for this situation. He was lying to you, he probably told her lies too.

cornflakes91 Sun 15-Jun-14 22:11:20

He sees them when he wants really, sometimes he's here longer than an hour sometimes less, i can't make him stay longer than he wants to. He took the older two out once not long after he left but brought them home early, he's never been the best at coping with them alone, loses patience quickly. For their sake I hope he gets his act together and gets better because they adore him. I know she isn't solely responsible but i'm not exactly feeling favourable towards her.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jun-14 22:30:54

I think you need to get contact with the children organised formally.

He should see his kids away from your home. You should not be facilitating his uselessness.

If he is not capbale of being trusted with their sole care, then insist you take it to family court and he gets to see them in a supervised contact centre. For your self respect's sake, I suggest you start to show some claws where he is concerned.

Kerryp Sun 15-Jun-14 22:36:27

He sounds a real prick. I just think that time is what you need and perhaps a new hobby to act as a distraction. Have you talked to the kids properly about it? Xx

Branleuse Sun 15-Jun-14 22:43:10

move closer to your mum!

im sorry hes fucked you over like this sad

Vivacia Mon 16-Jun-14 07:57:26

He sees them when he wants really,

Well, access isn't about what he wants. It's for the children, and they need stability and routine. I agree with AF you two need to get this formally arranged for their sake.

Vivacia Mon 16-Jun-14 07:59:34

Sorry, that sounds harsh. I'm also thinking that there are benefits to you. You get time to wash your hair and do the pots. You also get to start making a home that he isn't just waltzing in and out of.

cornflakes91 Mon 16-Jun-14 08:09:57

Ive been trying to get him to make advanced arrangments to see them but he's reluctant because he works shifts and is always changing them or picking up extra ones (not suprising really when OW does his rota). At the moment 'probably friday' is as far as ive got from him. I do encourage him to take the older two out but as I said, he isn't that keen. The youngest is still bf, its the only way to get her to sleep and she refuses bottles so can't really be away from me for long.

My 4 year old just knows that daddy has gone to live at her uncles, I don't know what else to say really. She asks alot of questions when she sees her dad, like why won't you come home, do you still love mummy etc but he just tells her to stop asking silly questions. My 2.5 year old is speech delayed so its hard to know what he understands really.

cornflakes91 Mon 16-Jun-14 08:12:40

No its not harsh, your right. But if you try to pressure him into doing things he just gets angry and doesn't come at all. I don't have any money to take him through legal channels.

cornflakes91 Mon 16-Jun-14 08:25:28

He can't have the older two overnight yet because he's sleeping on his brothers floor until OW's husband finds a flat.I'm not sure i'd want him to either because since he left he's been drinking alot, upto a litre of whisky/brandy a night and he's started smoking weed to, i don't think he would do these things if he did have them but i feel like i don't even know who he is anymore. He bares no resemblance to the man I married.

Vivacia Mon 16-Jun-14 08:39:03

I think that's one of the most heartbreaking and scary parts, you suddenly don't even know the man.

What do you think about the suggestions to move nearer to family?

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 08:42:41

In your situation, I would move a long way away

cornflakes91 Mon 16-Jun-14 08:58:34

Its definitly something I will consider but its a big thing leaving the home me and the kids love, dd1s school etc

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 16-Jun-14 10:08:57

Where is everyone? shock

Bumping for you, OP.

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