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i am going to tell him i know...i would really appreciate some hand holding..

(102 Posts)
kittycat5 Sun 15-Jun-14 16:33:08

I was very very happy with my husband...We had been together 6 years although only married for 3...I adore him and he certainly had adored me until about December last year when he became cold and distant. In January he said he didn't love me anymore and the reasons were that I was too messy (I always have been); and that I didn't spend enough time with him -this is certainly true...In retrospect I was so certain of him I took him for granted...and I have children, grand children, an elderly mother (none of whom drive) a full on profession which meant working about 45-50 hours per week and was doing a doctorate..I also have pernicious anaemia which means I get Very tired and need to sleep a lot when I am coming up to my injections.......anyway he left and I suspected he was having a relationship with a colleague from work (he works as a carer with people with learning disabilities) as their work means being in each others company overnight and taking clients on nights out to concerts and the theatre (in short doing things with her we weren't doing together) prior to leaving he had stayed up after a night shift to give her a lift home after a weekend away and had done maintenance in her home whilst ignoring ours. He also went for long walk with her in local woods....He said they were just friends and was annoyed with me for feeling threatened. ..anyway in when he said he didn't love me (sorry if this is disjointed) I told him he had to leave and he went to his mother's then to a rented house. ..I told him that what I couldn't change I realised I had to accept (he was denying affair and saying he just didn't love me anymore) I said I would make separating as easy as possible. ...I became extra depressed and latterly got diagnosis of bipolar....He was so nice ...He took me out...took me shopping (holding my hand) did things in the house...I believed he might change his mind and come home...We were still having see. ...anyway my medication meant I couldn't drive....on Friday I was told I could do very short jjourneys if I felt up to it...I had something to give to him (a hand printed tee-shirt) so today i went round to give it to him and he was obviously getting ready to go out...i asked him where he was going (not in sleep threatening way) and he said he was going shopping...I said could I go with him and he said no and said he was going to see his mother too...I started to cry (I am really isolated because of the limitations to my driving) and he said he would call in to mine on way to work c tonight but I can't go with him now....anyway I went to my car and thought-he took his mother shopping yesterday so he doesn't need to go shopping today or to see her...so I followed him in my car. (He wouldn't have been able to tell) and he went neither to his mother's or to the shops...but to a residential area where I believe the woman I was wary of lives....I drove home really distraught. ..I had believed we could get back together ..that's what he was making me think....He is going to call in on his way to work tonight and my plan is to tell him I know of the relationship...then not see him again ...Please could you let me know this is right....I love him...

kittycat5 Sun 15-Jun-14 16:34:51

Having sex not see

Of course you are right. He lied to you about where he was going and what he was doing--even if he isn't having an affair.
just tell him you know he lied-where he went and it all ends now.

It will hurt but ultimately it will be for the best.

Oh and just to be sure go get yourself an STI check

HopefulMum111 Sun 15-Jun-14 16:44:30

So sorry to hear this. I can't tell you if telling him that is right or not, and I don't think anybody else can; only you know.

If you do want him back could you say to him that you want things to work and are prepared to do certain things (be tidier, not take him for granted etc) and see what he says? If he is agreeable, you can then say that you want him to talk to you in the future if he is getting annoyed about things instead of bottling them up and leaving. If he agrees to this and you are happy with it, I think you should make it clear that fidelity is essential and draw a line under everything from there.

The thing that worries me here is that you seem to be taking the blame for everything here - in the grown up world people do have work, children, relatives, illnesses and all kinds of things that get in the way of seeing husbands/wives. In this world worthwhile people don't just swan off with somebody else because the going has got tough.

I think you need to know for certain if you do want him back or not and if you do, whether you can move on and (most importantly) trust him again because he will still be in the same job with the same people and opportunities.

I hope it sorts itself out for you and if you do break things off altogether, stay strong and positive. grin

CoteDAzur Sun 15-Jun-14 16:48:34

You are going to sound like a bunny-boiling loon if you tell him you followed him. And there is no other way you can say you know for a fact that he didn't go to a shop.

LBZT Sun 15-Jun-14 16:48:54

Can you put him off dropping in, maybe send a text that you are out? This will give you some time to have a think and process everything before you speak to him.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

kittycat5 Sun 15-Jun-14 16:55:35

Thank you...I won't tell him I followed him just that as he did those things yesterday it's obvious he didn't need to do them today....I have already told him I would do what I could to make things better and appreciate the responsibility I have in making him disgruntled
..He said I had changed everything he would want me to but it was too little too late...

kittycat5 Sun 15-Jun-14 16:56:10

Actually he didn't even say too little...just that it was too late

kittycat5 Sun 15-Jun-14 17:27:48

I think I won't even tell him anything....I want him

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 18:36:17

You won't tell him anything because you want him back do you mean? Are you planning on letting the affair play out and see if he comes back or something? That could be very hard on you hmm

kittycat5 Sun 15-Jun-14 20:17:49

Hurricane. ..yes that's what I mean

I am so sorry OP but you are setting yourself up for a fail and a lifetime of misery. there is no way he is going to come back and even if he did he would be out shagging someone else pretty quickly.

He has told you it's too late-believe him when he says this. You really need to geta bit of self respect and let him go.

dollius Sun 15-Jun-14 20:39:01

Well he's got no incentive at all to stop seeing the OW, then, does he? He has the pair of you doing the "pick me" dance for him and getting his cock sucked all over town.

Really, love, do yourself a favour and end it. The only way he is likely to come back - if that is really what you want - is if he experiences what life will be like without you.

You need to show him what the future holds once his cosy little number with you is up.

tribpot Sun 15-Jun-14 20:46:58

Good god, OP. Do you really want him back after he's basically pissed all over your marriage vows? You're a bit messy - he is almost certainly shagging some other woman. Not really the same, is it? You're caring for a bucketload of people on top of a chronic condition and now a mental health condition as well - what the fuck more could you possibly have done?!

Please set some boundaries. If he comes back you will be like a (very tired) cat on a hot tin roof waiting for him to go out and see her.

AnyFucker Sun 15-Jun-14 22:50:02

confused where to start ?

PinkSquash Sun 15-Jun-14 22:55:09

You'll never be happy with this. The fall out from it may seem awful now but you will never go back to how things were.

kittycat5 Mon 16-Jun-14 04:40:15

You are all right...but if i stopped seeing him he wouldn't see what he is missing he would just not see me!

BuzzardBird Mon 16-Jun-14 05:02:16

Op, I'm really sorry but I think this ship has already sailed. You live apart, he is seeing someone else. I suspect he has justified this in his mind because rightly or wrongly he felt lonely in your marriage. I do think he loves you as you say he has supported you, but I think he has already moved on.
The two of you need to sit down together and have an honest conversation.
I hope you can come to terms with this rather than torture yourself trying to hang on.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 08:39:02

Isn't that your answer ?

Come on love, where is your self respect ? He clearly doesn't give a shit about you. Don't make a mug of yourself...it's embarassing and pitiful to witness

it won't make him love you...he will just lose even more respect for you

kaykayblue Mon 16-Jun-14 08:58:18

He is never going to "see what he is missing". You've already been together for seven years. He knows full well what he is missing, and he doesn't care.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you need to get some self respect sharpish. You're clearly an extremely capable, intelligent woman in all other respects - demanding job, doctorate, etc.

If you trail behind him like some kind of desperate lost puppy it isn't going to make him love you any more. At best he might take pity on you, and see you on the side for a while until his new girlfriend puts her foot down.

How pathetic would that be?

You lived your entire life, minus 7 years, without this person. You seemed to do pretty well for yourself without him until that point. You can be perfectly fine without him now as well. Does it hurt? Yes of course it does. But life goes on.

You're a grown arse woman. Get on with your life.

tribpot Mon 16-Jun-14 09:16:03

he wouldn't see what he is missing he would just not see me!

He's not missing you then, is he? Sorry to be unkind but the definition of missing is 'notice the loss or absence of'.

kittycat5 Mon 16-Jun-14 09:23:36

Anyfucker do you agree with buzzers bird that I should have an honest conversation with him? I would like to understand what happened because in November he was enjoying my company and just being what I believed was normal but by December he had completely changed. ..you are right I need to stop seeing him because it'll keep picking a scab....I had posted before when he first left and was told in all likelihood he either has another woman or had one lined up and you were right.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Jun-14 09:26:56

If you have a conversation, I am pretty sure the "honesty" would be one sided only

What's the point ?

Stop banging your head against a brick wall. You won't realise the relief of stopping until you actually do it

kittycat5 Mon 16-Jun-14 09:55:12

Anyfucker do you agree with buzzers bird that I should have an honest conversation with him? I would like to understand what happened because in November he was enjoying my company and just being what I believed was normal but by December he had completely changed. ..you are right I need to stop seeing him because it'll keep picking a scab....I had posted before when he first left and was told in all likelihood he either has another woman or had one lined up and you were right.

kittycat5 Mon 16-Jun-14 09:55:44

I feel like shite

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