Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling confused - would appreciate advice

(20 Posts)
springydaffs Sun 15-Jun-14 15:21:55

What an idiotic thing for him to say! Then to follow it up with 'perhaps you need counselling' - double whammy, so tactless! I don't think you feeling hurt by his tactlessness is an indication you still have feelings for him, I think it's just sensitive when a marriage ends (all that hope and promise come to nothing sad ) and needs to be delicately handled by all. All he had to say was 'oh yeah, get your point, it was tactless' and subject closed. The main point is his gross lack of tact imo.

This is a stretch, but could you rent somewhere else which you and ex use when you're not looking after the children? Then the children stay in the same house but the parents come and go. Like I said, it's a stretch...

GrumpleMe Sun 15-Jun-14 14:03:33

This set-up can work...but only if there is no emotional connection left on either side. Clearly that's not the case, or you would not have been so hurt by his thoughtless comments about the woman he fancied.

I co-habited with my XH for 2 years post separation, and 6 months post divorce. We were living as co parents and housemates. It actually worked quite well, but after moving out 3 months ago I am so much happier. I have my own space! I'm thriving and so is my XH, even with the reduced so called 'standard of living'.

So it can work, but it's very rare. And it won't work if there are feelings left for either one of you.

Butterflyspring Sun 15-Jun-14 12:28:12

Also, 3 years waiting for him to leave - how does that help you move on to either happy singledom or a new relationship. And it is no example to set to the children. He sounds horrid and like he has no respect for you. Seems grim that you pay for everything while he treats you with no respect. He needs to leave, yesterday.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 15-Jun-14 12:10:13

So either you pay the mortgage and he moves out and rents; and keeps a stake in the house. Or you sell up and go your separate ways. Or you buy him out now.

wafflyversatile Sun 15-Jun-14 12:06:13

Sorry that was directed at the poster above me.

One way or another you need something other than this because it's going to be horrendous to stay in the same house for that long.

pilates Sun 15-Jun-14 12:01:02

Is there enough equity in the house to sell and both go your own ways, or would your parents be able to lend/give you money so you can buy him out?
I agree its not ideal your current situation and not one that you can consider for the next three years.

Funky - yes

I don't want to move out - this is my children's home and I would prefer for them to not have to be disrupted, but if it comes down to it, I suppose I would go.

Far better for them to have this short term disruption than years of seeing their parents' dysfunctional relationship.

I want wants best and stable for them. If that means leaving, then that's what I'll have to do.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 15-Jun-14 11:58:43

Weile - can you pay the mortgage and bills if he goes?

waffly - We talked about it. He hates this house and wishes we'd never bought it and he can't afford to stay here. I offered to move out and rent somewhere very local (couple of streets away - I don't want the children to have to change schools, move away from their friends etc), but until he has a job it's not really a viable option.

wafflyversatile Sun 15-Jun-14 11:51:55

Why are you assuming it's him who has to move out?

casparthecat Sun 15-Jun-14 11:50:06

You're either together or you're not. If you have split up then he needs to move out. You can't co-habit for three years if the relationship wasn't working in the first place. Your life will be on hold otherwise. What happens if you meet someone? You can hardly bring them back for a night of passion with your DH in the next room, can you?!

I wouldn't worry about him too much. He'll manage. He'll just have to rent a room in a shared house if he wants to continue studying.

A friend went through the same with her XH a couple of years ago. She dithered for years about leaving him because he had mental health issues in the past. I think it was the best thing that ever happened to him! He's more together now than he has been in years.

wafflyversatile Sun 15-Jun-14 11:35:56

Not sure but I guess you need to sit down again and consider various options and play with tax credit calculators and maybe speak to CAB or similar? If you can agree something between you that works for you both and the children all well and good, and if you can't you may have to go to mediation or court.

Good luck. It's not an easy situation, never is. flowers

I currently work full time, over 3 long days, and he studies. I am the main bread winner, but this is only recent. He started full time study in September.

While I work he's at home with the children, while they're not in school - so from 6 when I leave until 8.30 when he heads out and then from 4pm until 8ish when I get in from work. But as I said that's for 3 days a week and for four days I'm off. Does that make him their main carer?

We had discussed what would happen when he moves out, but it's always been at some point in the future. The ideas being floated were that he would rent somewhere with at least two bedrooms so that the children could come and go at either of our houses, that we would have 50/50 care, there would be no maintenance as by that stage we would have both of them equally and our earnings would be equitable.

It all seemed so doable while we're getting along, bit then once we're not I see what a horrendous situation it could become.

wafflyversatile Sun 15-Jun-14 11:20:44

Cohabiting for 3 years after splitting up is unrealistic.

Are you the main breadwinner? Who is the main carer or is it split? Can you move out and him claim housing benefits? It's not a given that the woman stays and the kids stay with her and the man moves out. Get some advice re tax credits etc.

Icelollycraving Sun 15-Jun-14 11:20:03

Financially,how do you manage if you work part time & he studies? You might be better off financially by yourself.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 15-Jun-14 11:19:54

You can't cohabit for three years - that's insane.

You need to sit down with him and discuss one of you moving out. Could he pay the rent/mortgage if you went? Where else could one or two of you go? What support would you get in either situation? [I don't want the answers, you need to have the chat and sort it out].

Icelollycraving Sun 15-Jun-14 11:18:13

It sounds like it could prove to be unhealthy for everyone including your children. Sooner or later one of you will meet someone. Can you imagine saying to a boyfriend that you wanted him to stay over? With your ex husband in the next room?!
It would be very blurred boundaries for your dc. They will then be 14 & 16. I was that she when my parents divorced & it affected me,possibly more because I was sometimes treated like a mini adult.

pictish Sun 15-Jun-14 11:16:30

Well...my very first thought is that of course you cannot cohabit with him for three years!!

There has to be another way. One of you is going to have to go.

STBxh & I agreed to split a few months ago. There was no one else involved and no big bust ups, but we weren't happy so we agreed to call it a day.

He doesn't work and is re-training at present, so is unable to afford to move out. As we were getting along we thought the best thing to do would be to continue to share the house until he has finished training (likely to be at least another 3 years, perhaps more) and then once he has finished he would move out to somewhere locally with space for the children (11 & 12) to stay as much as they want.

However, this week there's been a bit of a bust up and it's brought the issue into sharp focus for me. He joked about someone who came to our house in a professional capacity and how attractive he found her ("I really fancied her, like really fancied her") and then didn't understand why I got upset and followed me into another room to try and make me talk about it and got the arse with me when I said I didn't want to talk to him.

The next day I explained that I didn't particularly care about this particular woman and that I had been upset by what I considered his lack of respect for me and that he should realise that I wasn't someone that it was appropriate for him to have bantery conversations with.

He agreed that he had been inconsiderate, apologised and then tried to minimise what he'd said by telling me it was obviously a joke as she was so much younger than him. He also handed me a pamphlet that he had printed off from the internet about counselling, advising me that I needed to talk to someone.

I saw red about this - to my mind it completed changed the issue - the problem stopped being about him being inappropriate and inconsiderate and instead became about my mental health and how I wasn't coping. I couldn't face a row, so I just turned tail and left the room.

We talked about it the next day and it escalated - in his mind the two issues were separate. He'd apologised so that was over and done with and the counselling was a different thing. I felt that he was minimising his own behaviour - that a quick I'm sorry, now you need to go and get some therapy was an insult. Neither of us could see each others point of view (symptom of everything that went wrong with our marriage to be honest) and it quickly escalated.

Now we're not speaking and I just feel that I can't go on for years like this. I want him to move out now - he doesn't really have much money while he's retraining, but he could just about afford it albeit with a much reduced standard of living. Also, the standard of living for me and the children would be reduced too (what little money he does have, he uses almost all of it to contribute to the household. He has barely anything for himself). Also, I work shifts, so am out of the house from 6am until 8.30pm on the 3 days I work. H has been with the children so that I

Am I wrong to want him out? Am I being a bitch for moving the goalposts now? Should I just put up with everything to keep things stable for the children? I don't know what to do and how to make things right for everyone.

Any advice would be much appreciated...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now