money stress is ruining my marriage...please give me advice

[bumbleandbumble]

Our lack of money and constant debt is killing us.
Please someone give me advice how to get through this.
Its being going down hill for 3 years...and now we are desperate. My husband refuses to go on benefits even though we would qualify, we argue all the time about money, I am always asking for more and he doesnt have it. He is super stressed and keeps saying the pressure is killing him. He comes home tired and not in the best moods usually. I cant sleep because I worry about losing our house, which makes me grumpy all day. My children are bored and it kills me that they beg me everyday to do all the things we used to normally do, museum days, ballet and gymnastics classes, pizza at a cafe...

I can't find a job that pays enough...and my husband and I seem to blame each other for not making enough...we have not had a single arguement in the last two years that was not about finances.
what to do??

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

When you say you can't find a job that pays enough, what do you mean? It would be extra income for you wouldn't it?

[mrsbrownsgirls]

why does he refuse to claim benefits?

[Quitelikely]

You should fill in the forms yourself or go online. Where is all the money going? Is he withholding it or does he not have it to give it to you? If so what is the point in asking for more iyswim

[MrRedAndBlue]

write down all your incomings and outgoings

try to find out what if any benefits you are entitled to and make you claim them

cut out anything you don't need - be ruthless

look at utilities, phone contracts, buildings ans contents insurance etc and go on price comparison websites and make sure you are getting the best deals - £5 here, £10 there can all start to add up and make a big difference when money is tight

speak to your creditors - banks, building societies and the like don't want to make people bankrupt and are often surprisingly helpful. You might, for example, be able to get a mortgage break or you might find that your credit card company will freeze interest charges for six months. It won's solve everything but it may give you some breathing space.

good luck

[bumbleandbumble]

I cant apply for benefits without him...I have tried. He is the one with income, we are married and living together so we have to apply together. He is self employed and refuses to give me his tax return with all the exact earnings etc... he says he will not go on benefits. He thinks its wrong. I cant convince him otherwise.

I cant find a job that pays enough to cover my childcare. In London the cost of two toddlers and the oyster card etc makes the jobs I have been offered to have no added income to the house.

[bumbleandbumble]

I have tried to talk to my bank. they offered me nothing, not even a small overdraft, no freeze nothing...

we dont have a mortgage, we are renting from family members and can barely afford that...in fact they have asked us to leave but we are begging them not to as we cant afford to move

[MrRedAndBlue]

does he accept that you have money worries?

[Quitelikely]

If nothing changes. Then nothing changes. Literally. Try writing him an email telling him how you feel and the changes you would like to make. If his business is quiet at times I don't see how you can pressure him in that respect, I mean if he's got no work on, that's just the way it goes with your own business sometimes.

Are you wanting him to get employment? Do you get child benefit even? Could yous move to a different part if the country where his trade is more in demand?

There is things you can do. I don't think yous have got anything to lose. I do feel for your dh too if he is saying the pressure is killing him. Do yous have debts too?

[Quitelikely]

Why do they want you to leave?

[Fairylea]

When you say benefits do you mean tax credits? You can make a joint claim. All you need is his national insurance number and an estimate of his earnings. They have started to be able to check with his employer directly anyway - as long as he isn't self employed?

Not claiming money you are entitled to is just stupid. He needs to grow up.

[Busybusybust]

Ok, so he works full time -yes? You are ENTITLED to top up tax credits! Think of it this way.......... If he didn't work, then you all would literally starve without benefits. The tax credit system is there to help hard working families like yourselves, just to make ends meet. Make him claim!

[bumbleandbumble]

He is self employed.and trying very hard but business is slow. No we cant move anywhere...its very london based- fashion wholesale.
He has also been trying to find another job, nothing so far and he has been looking for 5 months already.

Thats just it, I dont have an estimate of his earnings...they wanted an exact number, because he is self employed.

Family members want us to leave because they are greedy and dont care about us, an estate agent has basically told them they can manage the place and bring in 3x what we pay in rent. So they want to do that and dont care that we have no where to go!

[bumbleandbumble]

I have about 7K in debt. He has about 150-200K of debt.
We cant function as a normal couple because everything is stress and misery...we cant even have friends over for dinner or do anything social or alone together because we have no money.
We have had to miss 3 family weddings this year and its just so depressing. Its killing us....

[bumbleandbumble]

yes he accepts that I am worried. he just gets angry and says he is trying his best, stop pestering him...he under enough stress.

[Fairylea]

With that much debt you must get proper help. Step change for a start (Google them).

Why has he got so much debt? Yours is more manageable with the right negotiations or debt remedy.

If he is being so unreasonable you may well be better alone and be better off financially too. Look on the turn to us website to check your entitlements as a single parent to see the possible new situation for comparison.

[pauline6703]

I pay a fortune in tax every month and I want it to help people. claim all you can, ask advice from CAB and see what you can claim. He is under stress and working hard and in the present economic situation it is hard to make money so see what you can claim but do not let it tear you apart.

[MrRedAndBlue]

i presume his debts are business-related? And you have no assets - property?

How is the debt being serviced? Is your husband being chased for money?

You - and your husband - really need to seek out professional advice, but given that he seems reluctant you may need to take the lead.

[Christwaddle]

I think bankruptcy may be your best option tbh.

[SamanthaJones]

£200k is large enough to consider bankruptcy surely?

And if that's business debt then it's possibly not a sustainable business. Do you think he's being honest with you about his finances work wise?

[MrRedAndBlue]

i was going to say that as well - but chickened out!

i know a couple of people very well that have been through that - and while it was a tough experience for them they are both in a much better place now a few years down the line

[bumbleandbumble]

yes debt is business related...but we also owe british gas a lot.
car got repo..
we have no property/assets.
and yes we are being chased. bailiffs at the door a few times already.

He may well claim bankrupt..but he was hoping to start a new business and is looking for investors so didnt want to be bankrupt.

I did go to CAB, and I was not able to claim anything...because they asked me for all these details about his income/tax/work etc that I do not know the answers to and as I explained he does not want me to do it.

I guess I will try to ask him again, now that the situation is getting worse not better.

[bumbleandbumble]

I don't know if he is being honest about his business. I would like to think so, but there may be even more debt...he knows how worried/panicked I get so he may keep stuff from me, not sure.

[SamanthaJones]

Much sympathy bumble, that's hard. I think he's in denial a d needs to be honest with you. Good luck, it's crap being broke.

[joanofarchitrave]

This sounds nearly impossible.

In terms of moral wrongness, it is IMO very wrong to withhold information from your partner, especially on the financial side. It's good to have privacy in some things even in a marriage but when it affects your partner (and it's clearly affecting your relationship as well as perhaps your health) things have got to change.

If his business is not viable, well, the same thing has happened to most business owners at some time - it would make sense to go bankrupt and start again. However, he may have to get a job rather than go straight into another business - that might be a good thing and allow some stability back into your lives. Or you could get a job and he stays at home with the children - that's what dH and I have done.

[joanofarchitrave]

To be honest, reading this back again, I would give him a deadline and say that if he will not discuss the future with you, you may have to live apart for a time, as that would allow you to claim benefits on your own account, look for work and get your own debt under control.