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Do threesomes ruin relationships?

(63 Posts)
zygotic Sat 14-Jun-14 02:18:41

Hi girls,

I have a genuine question regarding one of my best friends who has recently told me that she and her boyfriend are open to the idea of a threesome as they're now in an 'open relationship'.

Before I go further into details, let me give some context to their relationship. They've been together 6 years, they're both 28 and they're pretty much only been with each other. They're each other's firsts, although she did have a thing with some guy for a few months when she was 22.

So, I remember once a couple of years back - when they were 4 years into their relationship - her telling me that her boyfriend didn't believe in monogamous relationships. Fair enough, I thought, let's move on from this conversation. Yet a few weeks ago she told me that she now believes this, too, and they've signed up for some new app which allows you to meet people for threesomes.

Now I'm genuinely worried for my friend. I care about her a lot and I don't want her to get hurt, yet I think she will if she goes through with this. She said that she would rather it be like this as opposed to him doing anything behind her back, that way at least they're honest with each other. But I don't think that's a good enough reason. It just feels like she wants to please him, worried she'll lose him if she doesn't.

Now I don't want to paint her boyfriend as a horrible person. Personally I think that, because my friend is the only girl that he has been with, he wants to experience other girls yet doesn't want to lose her. They do love each other. Yet I'm worried that if they do go ahead with this it will only end with them both hurting each other. Once you introduce someone else into the relationship, it can only complicate things and that's when people get hurt.

Am I wrong? Am I right to be worried? What do I do?

I don't want my friend to get hurt and ruin her relationship by doing this!

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 14-Jun-14 02:50:06

your friend is an adult who can make her own decisions - yes it sounds like the bloke wants sex with others and have it legit.....cake and eat it and all that - but you cant change that. you cant do anything because they are both grown adults and it will either work or not.

i would tell my friend about my misgivings and leave it at that until she makes up her own mind.

there really is nothing more you can do.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sat 14-Jun-14 02:56:28

There's a difference between having threesomes, and having an open relationship. But, as the ever-wise Vicar (and I mean that sincerely) has already said, there's really nothing you can do.

You friend and her dp are grownups. Some grownups like threesomes, some like the freedom/stability of open relationships.

Do you have reason to think he's abusive in some way?

BuzzardBird Sat 14-Jun-14 02:56:36

It won't ruin their relationship as it sounds like they don't really have one. An 'open' relationship at their age is just a sign that one or both of them are not ready to be in one. Yes, she probably is just pleasing him but there is not much you can do about that, she will need to learn her own lessons.
<disclaimer, advice from woman, not 'girl' so could be wrong>

FolkGirl Sat 14-Jun-14 05:57:42

A lot of people find that it ruins relationships, especially if they haven't considered the ramifications (the emotional reaction); or if they've been coerced into it.

I tend to agree with Buzzard.

But she's an adult and it's her choice.

MexicanSpringtime Sat 14-Jun-14 06:03:50

Been there, bought the t-shirt but not the app?
I see the problem being that people fall in love. So if the new person in the relationship happens to fall in love, someone will get hurt.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Sat 14-Jun-14 06:05:42

I wouldn't worry apart from how you friend will deal with them breaking up because there doesn't seem to be much of a relationship left to ruin.

I would talk to her and say look, this isn't going to be a positive situation and are you prepared for how bad you will feel about yourself when things fall apart. You're self respect will be zero. What are you going to do to move on from that feeling?

LadyWithLapdog Sat 14-Jun-14 06:16:51

I thought threesomes were about sex, not relationships.

There was a thread a couple of months ago with a similar slant. I can't remember how it ended.

paxtecum Sat 14-Jun-14 07:01:43

It won't end well.

Presumably the threesome is another woman joining them rather than another man.

Does she really want to watch her DP kissing and having sex with another woman?
He'll probably want to do more of them and sex with his DP will not be his priority.

I was coerced into threesomes but did rather enjoy them because my DH was crap at sex.
But many years on I can see that my DH had an addiction to sex and wish I'd LTB instead.

Life is very complicated and sometimes we choose to experience things that we don't need to.

I can see why you're worried for your friend, but what exactly can you do?

jaynebxl Sat 14-Jun-14 07:09:38

Tell her to tell dp she's looking forward to the threesome so which of his fit mates is he thinking of asking?
Something tells me he would be up for a threesome with an extra girl but not an extra bloke.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 14-Jun-14 07:12:14

Agreeing broadly with the others, there's not a lot you can usefully do except express concern and be on stand-by with a shoulder to cry on when she realises she's made a mistake. If she's doing this voluntarily I think it's a poor reflection on her self-esteem, which is only going to get lower. You're quite right that her rationale is a boyfriend 'at any price' and that's demeaning. If there's been any kind of coercion to participate then it would be a form of abuse.

Joysmum Sat 14-Jun-14 07:13:53

The biggest issue I can see is that once you've shifted the boundaries forwards, it's very hard to shift them back again.

This is a fantasy both DH and I have had but decided to just keep and fantasy after thinking it through

Once you already agreed that sex is just an act and not just something to be shared between 2 people in a relationship then how long before it's just an act and not important enough to not share between the couple themselves.

It's a tough one, I can see the motives and I can see that those doing this are having fun, but at the end of the day, I fear for the fiture of any relationship when the couple themselves are not enough for each other.

Tryharder Sat 14-Jun-14 09:19:52

Agree with others.

Funny how the third person is always another woman and not a gorgeous man

Quite a lot of people have threesomes which involve an extra man. There is nothing wrong with having threesomes as long as all participants are willing and no one is either co-ercing one or both of the others, or going along with it to please a partner but secretly hating the whole idea.

Plenty of people reject monogamy but have happy, lasting relationships. Monogamy is not compulsory. Lots of people don't like it.

However, another thing your friend might like to consider - if she doesn't like the idea really and thinks she might burst into tears or have a row with her boyfriend during the threesome - is that the third person they invite to join them is a person who doesn't deserve to be exposed to the couple's unresolved issues.

PortofinoRevisited Sat 14-Jun-14 10:56:15

"hi girls". ???? Please spare us....

Meerka Sat 14-Jun-14 10:59:29

Actually open relationships and threesomes -can- work if 1) everyone in the situation is cool with it (people who are tend to keep quiet because so many people can't see that monogamy isnt the only way and get judgemental) and 2) the groundrules are worked out.

in your friend's situatoin I'd be concerned she was in some way being pushed hard into this and it wasn't what she really wanted. If she doesn't want it, then it won't work for her - so it won't work for any of them.

If she's genuinely willing to give it a try, then they need to discuss it. Is it a one-night stand only, or are they open to seeing the person again? Are some things out of bounds?

open relationships are high risk, but they can and do work for some, but does she (and her bf) know what they are risking?

Conservative Sat 14-Jun-14 11:07:51

Sex is between one man and one woman. You're setting yourself up for misery.

Dirtybadger Sat 14-Jun-14 11:15:08

Well we can't hear your friends perspective but it doesn't sound like she's going into it for the same reason as him; to enjoy herself. Is she bisexual, will she enjoy sex with another woman? Will she mind watching him? Have they discussed contraception, etc.

It works for some people. It doesn't work for some (probably more) people. I'm not sure what about this is an "open" relationship. It would make more sense for them both to see other people not right under the other ones nose.

Both adults, though. Be there for her if it goes tits up. The good news is that of it does, she's already sort of prepared for it. He has already "downgraded" the commitment (I don't see it as a downgrade but I assume she may).

thedancingbear Sat 14-Jun-14 11:25:53

Sex is between one man and one woman.

Except between gay couples, presumably, Conservative, or is that verboten too?

GrumpyOldNag Sat 14-Jun-14 11:31:24

Sex is between one man and one woman What a load of utter crap, sex should be between any fully consenting adults of any gender. Take your homophobia else where.

As I think Meerka already said, threesomes or as many as you want-somes can work but everyone needs to communicate fully, and explain what they are okay with and what they aren't. Maybe OP's friend is fine with him going down on another woman, kissing etc. but does not want him to penetrate her, for example. Or perhaps the third is a man, maybe her DP is fine with penetration, but not oral. It depends entirely on the individuals involved, any number of 'rules' can be used to make everyone feel comfortable, in the same way any number of adults can take part in any other activity. Just because it's sex doesn't mean it shouldn't be talked about.

And for the record, wanting to have sex with someone else does not mean that you necessarily love your partner any less than someone who is monogamous. A relationship is whatever you want to make of it, if the participants don't like or aren't good at monogamy, then they don't have to be monogamous! It's still a successful, loving relationship that makes them both happy.

Meerka Sat 14-Jun-14 11:31:27

oh, and between islamic men and women too, where polygamy is accepted, conservative?

(and if polygamy is accepted then so should polyandry be).

Conservative Sat 14-Jun-14 11:40:44

Polygamy is obviously wrong. I personally believe that sex is only ok between members of opposite sexes but don't have a go at me for my views. I am totally against gay marriage.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Sat 14-Jun-14 11:41:05

Meerka, in Islam the sex is between one man and one woman at a time. If a man has more than one wife it is not permissible for them to have a threesome. The wives have to be treated equally and supposedly down to the last grain of rice - it does not extend to all of them being in bed together.

Branleuse Sat 14-Jun-14 11:42:12

leave them to it. itll either work or not work.

we had a threesome with no ill effect on our relationship. Would certainly be up for it again with the right person.

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