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Anyone ever left home due to the behaviour of their children?(64 Posts)
Hit a new low here.
DD came back from yr 6 week away today; everyother child got off the coach and hugged their parents. My DD kicked me because I tried to hug her; apparently I am embarassing.
DH is out - tomorrow I am planning to leave for the weekend to let DH and DD sort this out. Things have been difficult for a while; DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have gone beyond this now.
Don't know what else to do; can a parent and child do relationship counselling?
This might not be helpful, but my DD started behaving out of character at home when she was being bullied at school. Perhaps something happened on the trip with the other children? Leading to her not wanting to hug you in front of them? I realised that my DD was behaving badly at home because it was the only place she felt 'safe' to take out her frustration.
OP I have been waiting for you to come back to the thread, rather than just make guesses as to some of the questions raised here. I suppose you did go away for the weekend after all. How are things now?
My ds is 13, he wouldn't hug me in public and wouldn't have when he was in year 6, I'm not sure any of his mates would tbh ESPECIALLY when they are shattered after a school trip and are all cocky and independent from being away. I can well imagine him pushing me away if I tried. It's a different matter when we are cuddled up on the sofa watching Telly
Don't leave, it'll make things a hundred times worse. Family counselling is an option but kids this age are a bundle of hormones and don't know what on earth to do with themselves half the time. Ds and I couldn't spend much time together last year but this year it's much better.
Try not to take her behaviour personally.
The child did not use 'you're invading my personal space' to justify the behaviour... they said the OP was 'embarrassing'. That's an expression of contempt and it's why I'd like to know how the OP is regarded in the family more generally. Is the DD picking up this contempt from someone else in the family and thinking it's normal?
I really don't think that a kicking defense is justified when a mum just wanted to show how pleased she was of seeing her DD.
Yeah, she may have been embarrased about being hugged by her mother but does this justify for her to physically attack her mother? Isn't that the damned "she made me hit her" that so many abusers use?
I have more questions than answers here. Do you have other DCs and do they treat you normally? Is DH a supportive, loving and respectful husband or does he not take you seriously? Is there any sense that 'conciliatory' DH spoils DD, thinks you are too harsh, or that they gang up against you? Would she have kicked DH if he'd been the one to greet her? Did anyone like a teacher witness the outburst? Have you checked if all went well on the trip?
Going away is obviously not the answer. Imposing parental authority as a team with your DH has to be the way forward. Outlining expectations, setting out consequences to bad behaviour and following through. Wouldn't be paying for any fun trips in future put it that way....
Are you more angry about the kick or about having been SEEN to not get a hug and get a kick instead?
I'd not be judging the child until I'd seen more detail of the "tried to hug".
For example , If she repeatedly said she didn't want a hug and was then enveloped in one anyway she may have just been trying to get away from an unwelcome physical touch. She should be allowed NOT to be touched. Even by her mother.
If you just opened your arms and she launched into you with her size 3's, it's a totally different matter and you may indeed have a problem on your hands.
You need to resolve this, and you could drive her away completely if you insist on your way or nothing.
My dd became very difficult at that age, certainly didn't want any public shows of affection, in fact for a while she would not walk beside me on the street.
This is a very difficult age for them and it is definitely not cool to be seen to love your mother.
Kicking is not on and should be dealt with, but I'm afraid this is only the start.
"Things have been difficult for a while; DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship."
"I have no idea why she is angry - she is well behaved at school and does well, she has been supported by DP and I in everything she does. "
Frankly, I think there is no point in psychoanalising too much. Your husband is trying to be "conciliatory" when she is rude to you??? really,, that's no time for conciliation, that's the time for mum and dad to present a united front and show her that neither of you will tolerate her disrespecting her mother.
By trying to "conciliate" your husband is handing a lot of power to her, you are not another child who she needs to play nicely with but her mother. How is she going to respect you if she thinks she is higher in the pecking order? Your husband is giving her a lot of power to rule the roost.
Why is she behaving badly at school and not at home? Because she knows the school won't put up with such behaviour.
I know that your husband is trying to be conciliatory to mantain a good relationship but the technique is not really working, is it? I think you should not go away but have some stern words with your husband.
Kicking your mum -- totally unacceptable. She has been difficult for some time. It is entirely reasonable for you to want (NEED) some time away from this nastiness.
At 10, she can probably work it out for herself. You are the source of a lot of nice things for her, and she needs a taste of what it's like when you treat people like shit. Nice things are withdrawn because kicked mothers no longer feel like making an effort.
Sorry but she's 10. You are a real person with real feelings and she needs to realise this and learn how the world works.
Turnaround, I have a feeling you may be in a minority thinking that kicking one's mum, even in the circs you have "imagined", is OK. I don't see what's so terrible about receiving affection from your own mum. I don't think letting her know her reaction was unacceptable is in any way sending her the message that she has to put up with unwanted intimacies from all and sundry.
Assuming your OH can manage, I would take off! Treat yourself, and come back feeling better.
I am so sorry this has happened
Am I the only one that thinks that IF dd had already tried to gently pull out of the hug and failed then kicking her was entirely appropriate. Indeed far preferrable to reconciling herself to the fact that she has to accept shows of affection from people she cares about (family, boyfriend, etc). Christ my DC were allowed to decide if they wanted kisses,hugs, etc from the age they could express their wishes - less than a year old!
Apologies to op if that isn't what happened....
I think part of it is how you react to behaviour like that. If you accept it - even out of shock - then she will consider it to be acceptable. I would think the thing to do is to get angry at her for kicking you - which is NEVER acceptable - and tell her that you do NOT kick people, and ESPECIALLY not your own mother.
Yes people will stare at you both, but that will shame her into knowing that her behaviour isn't acceptable.
I hate to raise something so horrible, but could there be any sort of abuse going on that you are unaware of, and she is blaming you for?
I feel for you, its hurtful when they act this way. My year 8 dd kicked back of car seat all the way home from school because shes ashamed of how I look, I was deeply hurt at the time. Us mums have to have rhino skin.
Trouble is Isitmeor, if that time out is too regular or too long.
DD has behaved utterly unacceptably and there has to be
1. Explanation of how and why that behaviour is unacceptable
2. A clear proportionate response to that unacceptable behaviour.
I firmly believe that these things need to happen almost immediately. Otherwise they believe that the behaviour is acceptable and by the time they are tackled and punished they actually come to believe that they are being victimised.
tomorrow I am planning to leave for the weekend to let DH and DD sort this out
What is your thinking on how that would happen? You say elsewhere that your daughter has no respect for you, and if that is true then your husband can't change that. It has to be your actions and words which regain what has been lost.
This also stuck out for me:
DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have gone beyond this now
Do you disagree with him? And in what way specifically: that there be no conciliation? that she must be made to ... Not sure what? or that you are beyond attempting to have a good relationship with her.
You seem very down but more than anything angry about it. Hopefully you are feeling more positive today.
"This is not about you. It's about your daughter"
This always makes me laugh when i see it on MN (used inappropriately) of course it's about her! it's about both of them.
and just for the record, she has done something wrong, you don't kick your mother or anybody for that matter, no matter how tired you are!
"This is not about you. It's about your daughter. She hasn't really done anything wrong."
Well, apart from kicking her mum when she tried to give her a hug, that is.
However, it is good to see some humane and thoughtful advice here, in amongst the usual staggering mumsnet obtuseness.
Kicking is unacceptable and needs to be handled, obviously. But do not EVER let her get wind of the fact that you are thinking, even if only in frustration, of leaving.
My mother was always leaving/threatening to leave (not because of me) and I still think everyone is going to leave me.
My DD's are not huggers. I know they wouldn't like any public displays of affection and would never have tried to hug them after a trip away. They are better now they are 16 and 21 but still not overly big on hugging. Is there more to this than you have said on here?
The bit that she "should" accept a hug from you makes me wonder. Did she kick you in response to your hug or to make you let go after trying to pull away from your hug and you not letting her?
There is a great forum for parents of difficult kids called conduct disorders dot com. Some of the kids have a dx of some kind or another and some don't. It's helpful to talk to other parents who have BTDT. There is definitely a theme of "no touching" these kids. They don't like it and you don't want to force them to be touched. As mentioned above, The Explosive Child is a great book, too.
My DD is being assessed for ASD - she is 13 1/2 and has always been a bit 'tricky' but being very bright and confident in a small school any spectrum issues had been completely masked. Hormones kicking in often accentuate any ASD traits too
I don't think you're thinking straight, with respect. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to leave your life because your child rejected a hug. My dd did not give me a hug after she returned from her trip. She was rather annoyed to be back with me but I took that as a sign all went well on the trip away.
This is not about you. It's about your daughter. She hasn't really done anything wrong. Have you told her you're going? Did you ask why she kicked you?
OP is there more to this or are you seriously suggesting leaving for the weekend based on this one incident?
My DS has Asperger's and his behaviour at times has driven me to walk out of the house in tears. I have had a few holidays away from my family over the years because i was at breaking point. Maybe you DO need a break?
Have YOU thought about some counselling? I have psychotherapy (for various reasons) but one upshot of it is that I find it much easier to deal with my own emotions around DS's issues/behaviour, and am better placed to deal with it all as a result.
On another note, I remember waiting at the school gates with my mum for my (then 8 yr old) sister to arrive back from a school journey. We had missed her so much. I ran up to her as she got off the coach and she pushed me in to the road and told me to 'shut up'. I think a combination of over-tiredness, embarrassment and anxiety got the better of her. I'm not excusing that behaviour, but some children are just overwhelmed by this sort of situation.
Hugs to you.
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