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Just been told I don't like you or love you but hope we can move on

(38 Posts)
RinkyDinkyDoo Sun 08-Jun-14 00:08:27

Apparently I made a comment 6 months ago that really upset DH, he told me at the time I was out of order. We got over it,or so I thought.
Last week he said something That upset me and I told him it upset me. Cue a week of not speaking. Tonight I broke the ice and said when are we going to start speaking. This led to him reminding me of my comment and that he doesn't like me which means he doesn't love me because of the comment.
We started talking and he said it works with me being in the house as DS loves me, DS has special needs,and he continued to reinforce the not loving/liking comment. He said he wants to get over it and " move on"
He doesn't seem to acknowledge what he has said, even though I said well it seems like you only want me here cos of DS loving me.
When asked how he sees it moving on, with him not loving me, he said I loved you once, maybe I can love you again.
I know he's trying to hurt me as my comment hurt him, but he doesn't understand what he has just said to me.

Wow, that sounds really hard. How do you just 'move on' when your partner has told you he doesn't like or love you anymore? You must be feeling incredibly hurt. I think he's being unbelievably selfish by making such a statement then refusing to explore it further or acknowledging how much it's hurt you.

brokenhearted55a Sun 08-Jun-14 00:25:04

Your post isnt very clear.
But

This led to him reminding me of my comment and that he doesn't like me which means he doesn't love me because of the comment.

Getting that upset over a comment....

My ex did. Usually when a partner is ready to bail on you for a comment it's a set piece for having met someone else and they need an excuse to leave.

They usually over react to anything and say they don't love your for something minor which seems like a massive over reaction.

Again they are seeing someone and need a reason to leave.

brokenhearted55a Sun 08-Jun-14 00:28:52

Refusing to talk about it hoping he can love ypu again after what you did.

Oh ffs do these guys ever stop using the oldest tricks in the book.

It smacks of affair.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 08-Jun-14 00:30:02

If he was looking for a reason to leave he had it 6 months ago when she made her 'upsetting' comment. He didn't leave though.

The way he talks about DS is odd. Is he your DS as well? Or just DH's?

Thumbwitch Sun 08-Jun-14 00:32:47

How bad was your comment? I can't imagine that he would still be harbouring resentment over it unless there was something else underlying the situation.

brokenhearted55a Sun 08-Jun-14 00:33:16

6 months isnt a long time where a marriage and child are involved.

Perhaps OW is also involved so its not so easy.

Or maybe something has happened now so a comment 6 months ago is all he has to use as na excuse now he wants to move on.

EverythingCounts Sun 08-Jun-14 00:35:51

Is it solely his house then (in legal terms), what with all this talk of you leaving?

I would be tempted to call his bluff and say that you can co-parent perfectly amicably if that's where things are now at, but you don't intend to live day in ay out with someone who doesn't love or like you as you think that would be very damaging for all of you especially DS, so one or both of you needs to start looking for a new place. I wonder if there would be some hasty backtracking at this point. He seems to want you to feel guilty and to be put in your place more than he actually wants to end things with you. Of course, you have your own choices to make about it, it's not just down to him.

doorbellringer Sun 08-Jun-14 00:36:40

What were the comments? As soul destroying hurtful as his or throwaway comments. Seems like he wants to punish you so you try extra hard to behave and do extra work to make it up to him while he dangles a carrot granting forgiveness and worthy of his love again. Very shitty of him.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 08-Jun-14 00:37:31

Maybe. I'm not sure it matters really. He said it, whether that's due to an affair or just being a hurtful bastard it's game over.

Thumbwitch Sun 08-Jun-14 00:59:01

Do you like/love him?

hamptoncourt Sun 08-Jun-14 08:10:15

I would ask him where he is moving on to then as you don't want to live in a loveless home.

He is playing you, lining you up to take the blame when he has all his ducks in a row and can leave.

You need to take control of this situation. You don't have to live on his crumbs.

RinkyDinkyDoo Sun 08-Jun-14 08:34:51

Defo not having an affair. I think he's just trying to hurt me as my comment hurt him. And yes, it does seem like a punishment.
He doesn't show emotion and until things are pointed out to him, never sees the wider picture.
He did say he wanted things to be the same as they used to be where we have a laugh and do things together.
He's got up this morning and acting like nothing has happened or been said.
Me, well I'm numb and not really functioning.

Butterflyspring Sun 08-Jun-14 08:41:44

I think it sounds like affair too - is he glued to his phone/laptop?

Sounds like he is looking for excuses to escape.

Even if he is not, what sort of person doesn't speak to you for a whole week, and you are happy with that?? Why would you put yourself through staying with someone like that anyway.

Coconutty Sun 08-Jun-14 08:45:02

He sounds very childish. I absolutely hate getting the silent treatment.

What did you say that has upset him so much?

Igggi Sun 08-Jun-14 08:49:22

Well there are comments by dh could make to me that would cause me to stop liking him. I think it is unfair to only tell us about your dh's poor behaviour, when we don't know how either trivial or deeply wounding you were to him.

badtime Sun 08-Jun-14 08:55:56

That's not the point Igggi. The OP's husband has been sulking and not talking to her, and then said some things which were obviously designed to hurt her.

If he had been upset and wanted to deal with it in a healthy manner, he would have explained to her how upset he was etc, without all the childish retaliation.

Revised Sun 08-Jun-14 08:56:44

How bad was what you said? Would it have made you stop liking/loving him if he'd said similar? Did you mean it and does he know that you did/didn't?

I don't think it's childish to be still hurting 6 months on if someone's said something very hurtful to you - the kind of thing that changes the way you feel about them.

I think it's possible to argue that he's being responsible by saying he's not happy in the relationship but DS is, so he's prepared to keep trying. Probably won't work but that doesn't make him completely selfish.

but of course we only have a tiny part of the story here.

RinkyDinkyDoo Sun 08-Jun-14 09:16:09

It was to do with DS's autism and it having genetic links. He told me last night he took it to be I was blaming him and his family for DS's problems.

RinkyDinkyDoo Sun 08-Jun-14 09:17:56

I did apologise last night, but said if you had told me at the time I would have apologised then. He said well now you've said sorry and know how much it hurt me, that's a start on moving forward.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 08-Jun-14 09:19:40

I think its possible he still loves you but is vwry hurt and trying to hurt you back.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 08-Jun-14 09:20:59

Of course he is really out of order.

Keep talking.

Having a child with autism is very stressful. Dh and I often loathe each other and argue when DD is being challenging.

Interestingly we never argue when out alone.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 08-Jun-14 09:21:59

And he is probably worried that your DS' s autism does come from his side so it was possibly a very sore spot. A diagnosis is really hard for men to come to terms with, often.

RinkyDinkyDoo Sun 08-Jun-14 09:22:54

Fanjo, I think you get it, we are such a team fighting for services for DS and dealing with him together, we seem to be lost as a couple.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 08-Jun-14 09:28:13

Yes.

I can see why people say the affair thing as men dO say that when having an affair.

But not always.

Can you get time for you as a couple?

Also..he may just be taking it all out on you. .that sadly happens too. It's not fair of course.

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