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am I being ungrateful?

(23 Posts)
nugget05 Fri 06-Jun-14 20:28:12

Long back story but I'll try to keep it brief. I have a 10 day old baby boy grin and my relationship with his father broke down during the pregnancy finally ending when I was 5 months because he'd been havingan emotional affair, at 7 month's I had to move out because where I was was a flatshare and the main tenant gave up the tenancy so I have been living with my sister since to save money for a deposit and find somewhere suitable. My sisters have been great helping to buy Moses basket and pram etc, the problem is they're being funny with me because I am letting his father see him (twice on the day he was born and again when he was a week old) he hasn't paid for anything not even nappies but we are trying to come to an agreement that doesn't involve csa or courts. My sisters are treating me like I'm ungrateful for their help if I let him be involved but I just want what's best for our son. Am I being ungrateful or are they being unreasonable?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 06-Jun-14 20:32:59

Money doesnt = access.

Your son (and you seem to agree) should see and develop a relationship with his father.

Yours and his relationship, and the lack of financial support, is a separate issue. I do think you should persue financial support however him seeing your son should not be conditional on that. Your family are BU. However they do probably have your best interest at heart.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 20:35:10

I can sort of see where they are coming from.

BUT ultimately your son needs to see his father.

BUT you do need to set in stone CSA to look after and protect your dc. That money isn't for you , it's for your son and his dad should be keen to set that straight from the start. If he isn't , that would be a concern.

Don't be too hard on your sisters, they are only looking out for you. Are you looking to get back with him?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 20:37:06

think there is always something they can give towards upkeep.

nugget05 Fri 06-Jun-14 20:43:56

I know they just want what's best for us but it's hard when their attitude is they'll help if he's not involved but if he is then they won't be there. No softly I'm not looking to get back with him, I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love him and have moments of wishful thinking but we were together for over 3 years and talking about getting engaged right before we split.

Smartiepants79 Fri 06-Jun-14 20:44:51

I think they are probably just concerned at how reliable he is and are trying to protect you and their nephew.
Surely you can understand why they may dislike him, not trust him and actually be pretty angry with him. He hasn't treated you all that well and is not falling over himself to be a father.
In the end though he will have to be part of all of your lives and it is entirely up to you how much contact he has. They will mellow I expect.
You are not being ungrateful, they are probably struggling to deal with their anger towards a man who has hurt their sister.
A calm chat perhaps. Let them know how much you appreciate their support, that you understand why seeing him might make the cross but that you feel your son needs to see his father.
You are not doing it for him but for your son.

It must be hard for them an d I can see where they are coming from.
I'm sure you are very grateful.
Keep telling them an reassuring them of that.
You are right though.
Unless he is abusive, your oh should have a relationship with your DC.
Keep doing what you think is right for you and your DC.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Fri 06-Jun-14 20:47:34

He doesn't need to see anyone who doesn't even care enough to make sure his child has milk/nappies/roof over his head.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Fri 06-Jun-14 20:48:13

I wonder what people would say about you if you chose not to feed and clothe your son?

Quitelikely Fri 06-Jun-14 20:49:12

Have they said why they don't want him to see the baby? Is he dangerous? If not what is their argument against him seeing the baby?

toyoungtodie Fri 06-Jun-14 20:49:52

It is a difficult situation for your lovely sisters because they will have listened to your side, of what sounds quite a sad story. They probably have taken sides because they sound as though they love you very much and will not love him. I hesitate to say, have you sat down with them and profusely thanked them for their help and explained that you may have gone under without their loving care but unfortunately he is the baby's Father, and perhaps, although you might be tempted out of spite and revenge to deny the baby access to her Father, you just cannot do it to her. When he grows up that baby will be very grateful that you allowed him to see and know his Dad and you did not use him as a pawn.
If he has money he needs to contribute, it might make your sisters feel better.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 20:54:28

Yes I agree on they are trying to protect you. I bet they have been with you through some tough times.

Put wishful thinking aside , do you want your son to have a loving relationship with his dad? Is he mature and responsible enough?

If he is, then setting in stone an amount he has to contribute will show this. Honestly when I was younger dd1 dad gave me nothing but still seen her. However when me and dp split years ago, the first thing he talked about was money for her.
I know at this time it's all raw and hormones and feelings are high but ultimately your little star needs taking care of you both and if that's not the case I'd be questioning it x

nugget05 Fri 06-Jun-14 20:54:37

He's not dangerous or abusive in any way their issue is that he was a prick while I was pregnant and hasn't helped at all since we split up, I think they're scared I'll take him back and have the same thing happen again because I've just had the baby and my emotions are all over the place. I know really but if I ask him for money outright he'll think I'm demanding it and it could turn into an argument and I'm not ready to have an argument or any drama until I'm fully recovered

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 20:56:02

Dd2 dad was the one that contributed!

TypicaLibra Fri 06-Jun-14 20:58:15

he hasn't paid for anything not even nappies but we are trying to come to an agreement that doesn't involve csa or courts

Your sisters are probably pissed off that they're subsidising the care of your baby while the father of your baby isn't. I guess they're frustrated that between you you've had a few months to sort how much he'll pay you and it's not done yet.

That said I think you're doing the right thing allowing your ex to see the baby, but you do need to put pressure on him to contribute asap as it's not fair on your sisters.

TypicaLibra Fri 06-Jun-14 21:03:35

Xposted with you OP.

He doesn't sound very reasonable based on your above post.

If he works and is thus able to contribute, I would do the CSA calculation on their website, tell him how much he is expected to pay, and ask if he'd prefer to do it directly or via the CSA. If directly he can set up a standing order, and if not just tell him calmly you'll put it into the hands of the CSA for them to sort. Tell him that'll work out more costly as they take their cut in addition to the % of his income he is expected to contribute for the baby.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 21:04:23

Ok so broach the subject as in " I get X amount each week, it would be helpful if you could contribute x amount, as we're both parents"

Try to stay out of nit pic arguments. Just talk about ds. Try involve him all the time.

Don't get in to an argument about it. Let him see ds, it's important if he is going to be a good role model.

Was he abusive to you? X

nugget05 Fri 06-Jun-14 21:07:10

The wishful thinking tends to happen around 2 am when he's feeding and I'm exhausted and would like someone to help and when I see friends who have new babies complain how hard it is when they have their partners, I don't know if he's mature and responsible enough he blamed a lot of the split on the pregnancy and said he didn't want to be involved and wasn't ready for a baby hence why the money hasn't been sorted out before, he only decided he wanted to be involved in the last month before he was born

TypicaLibra Fri 06-Jun-14 21:12:27

I see where you're coming from, but the reality that he has to face up to is that maintenance is obligatory regardless of whether or not he wants to be involved with the baby.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 21:19:31

nugget honestly - walked this path before. Many times with my ex.

I always felt so frustrated at how much of a dick he was and missing out on this important time. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt . I got £10/£20 here and there. Then it stopped if he thought I was going out with my mates. At one point he would only put electric on my meter but that soon stopped.

I will say that was when I was in my early 20s. I put up with it because I loved seeing them together - or rather my dd happy to see her dad. I'm sorry to say that dd is 18 now and her dad never really stepped up till last year as he was so proud of what she had become he warned to be apart of it. all my own hard work ahem!

When I had my fall out with dd2 dad,the first thing he suggested was the amount he though was fair . And to be fair it was. He wanted the best for her and if that was his last fiver, he would give it .

You will how seriously he is talking fatherhood by his response to his financial responsibilities. If he kicks off. He really isn't worth it.

Good luck x

nugget05 Fri 06-Jun-14 21:19:44

I agree typical I would prefer to do it between the 2 of us if possible but if not I will go down the legal route, my sisters only want me to do it through the csa and not let him see the baby ever or do it in a way that he's a weapon because if he can walk away anytime why should I let him see the baby. I want my son to have a father but they can't seem to see it from my point of view, I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 21:21:49

Can I just also add!

My df never paid a penny for my up bringing. He has always been a flake . X

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 21:25:44

If he hadn't been abusive in any way I can't see the problem. They probably feel very over protective of you both at the moment.

Talk to them. Explain how you feel. Include them in this. Don't burn your bridges with them as they sound fantastic support x

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