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Don't know what I want.

(13 Posts)
hollyhobbie123 Fri 06-Jun-14 19:35:45

I came out of a ten month relationship in April, which was amazing to begin with but deteriorated over the last months, mainly due to his anxiety and relationship history, and me reacting by becoming overly reassuring, and with hindsight probably quite smothering.

Started another relationship with a wonderful man who I've know for 7 years, and dated previously. He treats me like a princess, he is kind, works hard, amazing in absolutely everything

But I can't let go of my ex. Our DCs have a lot of contact and get on well, but he won't speak to me, or respond to texts - which have been very low key. He finished things by saying he slept with someone else. I don't think he did, he just wanted me off his back. He cancelled dates with no notice, was rough in bed and showed me very little consideration towards the end, but I can't stop thinking of what life could have been like for us and our families, because when we were good it was everything I ever wanted. I know I'm in danger of losing this new relationship because I just can't let it go.

Advice much needed, please.

alikat724 Fri 06-Jun-14 19:53:36

Hi Holly, this is probably going to sound quite Freudian but is it possible that your attachment to your ex could be because he represents an unfinished relationship in your past, possibly as long ago as your childhood? Relationship patterns that we developed with our primary caregivers continue until we resolve them; i.e. if your mother or father was unreliable, selfish and ignored your needs you will perpetrate that in your adult relationships until you sort it out in your own head. It is a very mature and adjusted human being who can walk away from the intoxicating combination of someone you find physically attractive and someone who also "clicks" into your old relationship hotspots. If your new partner is respectful, considerate and loving but you are not used to that, then you will not be able to accept it until you feel within yourself that that is what you actually deserve. Just a thought?

hollyhobbie123 Fri 06-Jun-14 21:27:21

I don't know, I suppose there could be something in that. I just know I'm fed up with always feeling the grass is greener. When I was with my ex, I used to cry myself to sleep, wishing I was with the other man, because he was so loving and kind. And now I'm back with him, I miss my ex so much it hurts. I don't know what on earth is wrong with me.

something2say Fri 06-Jun-14 21:27:27

Good post above...

But my point would be around you saying that it could have been right. Yes, it could indeed. But it wasn't. That is your answer. You are chasing pie in the sky.

Find the one that just does work out. Not that has to be worked at. And I am not in favour of running one to the other either, but that's your call x I just think things need time to be put to bed in our minds, as you may be experiencing with new guy.

Good luck x

CharlotteCollins Fri 06-Jun-14 21:51:40

I think you could do with a bit of time by yourself, enjoying the benefits of single life and believing yourself to be complete without a man.

Ragwort Fri 06-Jun-14 21:58:14

Agree with Charlotte - why rush into a new relationship when the previous one has barely finished hmm.

And what adult woman really wants to be 'treated like a princess?' unless you are KM.

mumtosome61 Fri 06-Jun-14 22:09:04

Was the relationship ended by you or him? I often find that makes a difference - it's a closure thing. If you feel it ended without an ending (if you see what I mean) or that you didn't get to say or express what it meant or how you felt, it means you end up clinging onto it. I think there is also an element of truth in not getting closure from a relationship if you feel you have been badly treated yet didn't do anything to deserve it, and feel you need an apology.

Also agree that if you are used to either rollercoaster relationships or relationships where you have felt you were the one making the effort/were treated badly, the instance of a relationship in which you are treated well, perversely doesn't seem 'right' or 'normal'.

Lastly, time alone sounds like a good idea - even if you cool it off a bit with your current partner in favour of just finding what is right for you. It doesn't have to be a massive break up, but just recognition that you've had back to back relationships and in need a bit of refocusing.

arsenaltilidie Fri 06-Jun-14 22:44:54

Sorry OP you're a cock

arsenaltilidie Fri 06-Jun-14 22:47:50

Sorry OP you're a cock

You one relationship whilst thinking about the other.
No you are in the other relationship and you are attempting an emotional affair.
Maybe that ex was anxious for a good reason.

FabULouse Fri 06-Jun-14 22:52:36

He treated you dreadfully yet you're romantically fantasising about being in a relationship with him?

It doesn't make sense rationally does it?

You need to find a way to let it properly sink in that he wasn't a good partner and that your attachment to him is not in your best interests. It sounds as though you were codependent tbh, taking on something of a fixer role rather than equal partner.

hollyhobbie123 Fri 06-Jun-14 23:33:17

mumto you are exactly right, nail on the head with your first paragraph. He finished it without warning by saying he slept with someone else and that was it, he wouldn't speak to me, or answer my texts, anymore. I can't see how I'll ever get to a place where I can accept that. How can I get closure?

fab again, you're right. It doesn't make sense at all. He wasn't a good partner at all, and I definitely can see I took the role of fixer, because if I didn't make the effort he certainly wouldn't.

arsenal can't quite see where the 'emotional affair' comes from, I've not made any contact with either man while I've been seeing the other one. And what a supportive opening line.

Well, actually, he is under no obligation to give you 'closure'. He's dumped you, which means he doesn't want to see or hear from you again. Everyone has the right to dump a partner without being stalked, harassed, whined at or guilt-tripped.

Forget about him, concentrate on you. It's probably worth looking into some kind of counselling, at least enough to unpick what happened in your younger days to make you feel that you need to have a partner at all costs and that it's your responsibility to 'fix' an unsatisfactory relationship and/or to persist in trying to have a relationship with someone who actually wants you to go away and leave him alone.

wafflyversatile Fri 06-Jun-14 23:49:13

I can't stop thinking of what life could have been like for us and our families, because when we were good it was everything I ever wanted.

When I was with my ex, I used to cry myself to sleep,

You have your answer.

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