I am having a rough patch in my marriage at the moment.
Together for 9 years and tbh things were never amazing due to various problems - drinking /lack of money / cultural differences /bad communication / traumas not dealt with /problems with immigration - to name a few.
When I feel disappointed and resentful the last thing in my mind is to have intimacy with Dh. Not even being affectionate or initiate a hug and a kiss. Ad my low sexual drive and the unconscious habit of using sex as a form of control and you have a recipe for disaster.
I finally realised that I have to make more effort in this area as part of our plan to work on the relationship and move on, and I was getting better at it, on my own pace...however for Dh my pace is not fast enough and he still can't understand the behaviour that makes me go backwards or shut down.
For instance, I need to feel that intimacy is normal and a cuddle and a kiss won't necessary lead to sex. If happens, happens. I feel under pressure if he looks at me in certain ways or if he calls me sexy. Or if he says he is looking forward for a together time later on....If I feel under pressure, I pull away.
He was being good at following this and if he did anything that put me under pressure I would tell him and he would stop.
However we had a row at the beginning of week and he has been sleeping in the couch since. I have never asked him to do this, it is his decision.
I tried to talk to him a couple of days ago about the row so I can have closure and move on and he said he wasn't ready to talk yet. Fine.
However yesterday he came to bed whilst I was on the computer, initiate a bit of talking re the website I was on and then said that he wanted to sleep in the bedroom on our bed again. I said it was a good idea since he couldn't possibly be resting properly on the couch. He then said that the only problem if he came to sleep in the bed would be that he would want to have sex with me....so I immediately closed up and said that this wasn't going to happen at all.
He than proceeded to say how I keep rejecting him and pushing him away whilst I tried in vain to explain he did put pressure on me and is trying to pretend nothing is happening re our row.
Thing is: for him sex is a way to make up and make things get better. I am the opposite. I need to make things get better first by talking and knowing where I stand before having sex.
But he is my husband, not a new boyfriend, so should I be so guarded? I know that if I don't want sex, then this should be enough but the funny thing is, I was quite up for it and would have sex with him last night happily if he had use the right approach that works for me.
If he had said that he wanted to come to bed and have a cuddle or a hug or just be on my side or just reassure me he wasn't still ready to talk but would let me know when he wanted to talk and then just lie in bed naturally, sex could have happened a I could have even initiated.
He does not understand my point.
Am I using sex to control him and his actions, or not?
And how make him understand that I haven't got a switch on off button and need a bit of 'romance' and reassurance to get in the mood and let my guard down?
I have said this many times but in goes in one ear and out in the other.
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So, sexually abusive as well?
23 replies
Etah · 06/06/2014 09:48
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