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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feel like our relationship is a joke

39 replies

Minnie911 · 05/06/2014 23:15

Bit of a background...
DP and I have two kids - 2yo son and 8mo daughter. I am a SAHM and DP works full time, I feel like he takes our relationship and his role in parenting as a big joke.
I do the 99.9% of childcare/house work and DP works full time then walks the dog - this is where the equality ends. When DP comes in from work he would quite happily sit watching TV/search on the Internet/play games on his phone/fall asleep, without the thought crossing his mind to say anything to myself or the kids. However, he would always help if i asked.
Most nights DP will be asleep before I have got both kids to sleep, so I don't see him. I've spoke to him before about needing adult conversation but understand he is tired from work.
The weekends follow the exact same pattern, he does no night feeds ever in the whole 2 years - some nights both babies can be up resulting in me often getting 3 hours sleep'in total. DPs answer 'I can't function on no sleep' - what annoys me is if he wakes when I'm up with the DCs at 7am he will smile and roll over and would happily lie in bed until lunchtime and then he might pick up a newspaper, go for an hour long shower, watch TV - he really shows no signs of wanting us, if I didn't ask him to help or to take the kids outside etc he really wouldn't bother.
We have been plodding along like this for a while now, I've broached the subject with him and he says Ill change I do care and all the rest of it but nothing ever changes. With the lack of sleep our sex life has been suffering and I told DP that I need every bit of sleep I get as he is not willing to pull his weight and share any of the parenting 'I'll change...' About a few months ago I had been feeding youngest DC about 3am had put her down to her cot and went back to bed. I am sound asleep and DP starts initiating sex...I fell out with him massively. This is not the first time he had done something like this. Anyway we were just back to plodding along for the last couple months and his old best mate had her baby yesterday, I borrowed his phone to look at the baby's picture. This friend and DP have been texting each other wait for it DP is offering her parenting advice and asking if she is breast feeding as well as giving her the details of the birth of our DD - which he was not present at!!! - but the way he wrote it sounds like he was there?
I don't know what I want answered I'm just tired of him painting things out like he's the perfect dad and everyone thinking I'm so lucky when in reality it's like living with a teenager - if we take DC to the park DP is on the monkey bars, I really couldn't trust him to watch the DC as he would be playing himself.
I feel like he doesn't value respect or care for me :( he has no idea what I did with the DC today as he hasn't asked :(

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Lweji · 05/06/2014 23:37

Did I get it right that he initiated sex while you were asleep and more than once?
How far did he go before you woke up?

It doesn't sound like a decent relationship anyway :(

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Minnie911 · 05/06/2014 23:56

Yes he's done it about 4 times his excuse is always that he cannot control himself, and it's turned round to being my fault for meeting his needs often enough.
He was pleasuring himself at the time and he had pulled my pjs down.
I suffer from anxiety and really low self esteem yet he can't understand why I would be upset at him doing this!

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Monty27 · 06/06/2014 00:00

He has a perfect life. I'm more than unsure that he contributes anything to it.

Don't put up with this crap OP. Fix it now or have it broken later. Up to you. But you won't ride it before things turn extremely sour.

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 00:22

He understands that you are upset. He just doesn't care.

You know it's sexual assault at best...

And you could report it to the police. It's sexual abuse and if you log it you could get legal aid in a divorce, if that's a worry.

Apart from all the rest.
This part: I feel like he doesn't value respect or care for me sounds very true. :(

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 00:24

Oh, and I'd be anxious at sleeping with a rapist in potential and actual sexual abuser next to me.

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 00:30

As practical advice, I think you should get in touch with Women's Aid for advice and support. Even your local DV unit.

And remember, this type of sexual abuse is not about "not controlling himself". It is about power. Always about power. He is showing the power he has over you. And treating you like an object to wank over. Possibly to fuck eventually. All about him.

I do hope you can find it in yourself to get free.

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 07:36

Thanks everyone for your replies its made it clear to me how he plays himself as victim and blames me that he has control over me.

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 07:48

But always post here when you feel the need. :)

But it's important to get real life help. Do you or would you have support from family or friends?

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 07:49

Oh and take care.

He sounds nasty, so be careful.

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sprite25 · 06/06/2014 08:05

OP are you thinking of LTB? If not why? He has you there to look after his kids, clean the house, make his food, wash his clothes, be there when he wants to touch you sexually whether you want it or not, keeps you sweet with promises of changing with no intention of doing it, all while acting like a great dad and partner. What would you lose by him not being there? You already do it alone you just wouldn't have him making you miserable.

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 08:35

I don't have friends IRL, I'm a young mum and don't seem to fit in with people my age, and the mums at groups are a lot older than me and have their own circles of friends so I usually play with the DC alone.
I have some family support but my DM is seriously ill so I don't want to upset my family more with my problems.
I appreciate the support on here though and your right I know my life would be easier without DP. It like having 3 DC and DP is the hardest work.'

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SquallyShowers · 06/06/2014 09:01

What does he contribute to your relationship and family? He doesnt talk to you, listen to you, care about you. He doesnt help out with the home or with his own children.

Do you love him? Really? Is he ever kind and affectionate towards you?

If you want to continue in this relationship, you need to give him an ultimatum and BIG wake up call - he needs to make HUGE changes or leave. Sadly, I dont know of many men like this - who are basically overgrown kids - that have changed.

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hellsbellsmelons · 06/06/2014 09:09

I can only echo what a PP has said.
Contact Womens Aid.
Get some perspective and understand the situation you are in.
Get to CAB and they can advise what benefits and housing you would be entitled to should you want to leave.
If you know where you stand it will be much easier to make that final leap.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
Do you want to spend it being this mans slave? Thought not!

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 09:20

I don't think I love him beyond being dad to my DC, I don't want to be with him but he makes me feel like i have to be with him. He doesn't live with us at the moment so it's not kicking him out that is the problem it's more standing up to him that he can't come here all the time

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SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2014 10:01

IF he doesn't live with you you can just change the locks. You could certainly have him at least arrested for sexual assault, as well.
He's horrible.
As to him being DCs' dad, the law would be in favour of you allowing him to see them regularly (if he's not a danger to them) but that doesn't mean you have to let him into your home ever again.

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LapsedPacifist · 06/06/2014 10:07

OP, why doesn't he live with you and his children?

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Jan45 · 06/06/2014 10:19

So effectively you are a single parent, why not be one who doesn't have to spend every day full of resentment cos of a weak man who has no intentions of either being a partner or a parent, I'm sure you'd be a happier person.

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 10:28

I second the advice of changing the locks and making sure he stays out.
You can call the police if he is in any way threatening.
And you can even tell him to arrange for a contact centre if you don't want to be in his presence.

Also, you can simply text him or ring him to say that you are done with him.

You do not owe him anything. Not even an explanation. You can end it because you want to.

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 10:29

When our oldest DC was born I was still studying so he stayed at his parents home and I stayed with my mum. I finished studying when youngest DC was 4 weeks old and I hoped he would have sorted something by then.
So he still lives with his parents and me and 2 DC live with my mum, but as my mum is ill I am looking after her which I feel would be easier if DP had sorted us a house as its constant care ATM

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 10:34

Separating and sending your DC to him and his parents would give you some respite too. It doesn't look like having him with you would help you in any way at all.

And he is a sexual abuser. Do not forget that. One day you may well find out he is penetrating you without your consent while you sleep. I.e. raping you.

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 10:52

His mum is brilliant with the DC so I would happily send them there on a Saturday or whatever, but what upsets me is DP wouldn't spend more than 10 minutes with the DC, it's like he has to be forced. DP older brother is brilliant with them I really don't understand what's wrong with DP. I'm beginning to think he's just too immature.
I blame myself for the sexual assault I can't help thinking its my fault

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 11:03

The first time the sexual assault happened - DP taking photographs of me while I slept - I told DP mum and she laughed in a 'oh what a cheeky lad he is' way. All 3 of her boys could never possibly do any harm - they are all in their 20s and living at home!
I would get the blame for everything in her eyes

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Lweji · 06/06/2014 11:10

I blame myself for the sexual assault I can't help thinking its my fault

No. No. And No. Never.

But it is in your power to stop him to do it again. You will have to break up with him.
And you could report it to the police. It might help to talk with Rape Crisis about it.

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SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2014 11:11

But it doesn';t matter what she thinks. You don't have to share your bed with a rapist who holds women in total contempt just to keep her content. Your DC can carry on having a pleasant relationship with their grandmother if she is kind to them and they are happy to see her but you can end the relationship with this awful man today.

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Minnie911 · 06/06/2014 15:33

Thanks everyone to your replies, I've felt much better today knowing I have a way out of it. I'm going to find a time over the weekend to sit down and talk to DP and see what we're going to do because ATM I am miserable.
I think what has upset me most is his interest in his friends baby when he couldn't be bothered with our 2.

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