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Graham Norton's answer on his "advice" page in the Telegraph

(196 Posts)

I'm just catching up on the weekend's papers & read this - and posting here as it's not dissimilar to threads started in Relationships.

Q: Dear Graham
I strongly suspect my husband is looking at pornography on his computer, and I don’t know how to approach him about it. He seems to look at it at any opportunity: when I am watching my favourite programmes, or I go out. He says he is doing his photos (he is an amateur photographer) but I know he isn’t. If I go upstairs there is a lot of shuffling about (this also happens if I open the front door having been out). I have tried creeping up the stairs to see what he is doing, but they creak too much. I have obviously thought of asking him directly, but I feel he will not admit it and I am not computer literate so I don’t know how to prove it. Have you any suggestions? You may say this is something a lot of men do, but I don’t like him doing it. I have even thought of buying a spy camera, which really shouldn’t even enter my head.
Poppy,
Buckinghamshire

Here's Graham's answer

A: Dear Poppy
No man is especially proud of looking at porn but in terms of bad behaviour in a relationship I think we can all agree that it ranks fairly low. I understand that there are questions of morality when it comes to the production of these films but then you probably wear make-up that has been tested on animals. The modern world is a moral minefield and we must all tread carefully.
There are some questions you must ask yourself. Is your husband paying you less sexual attention than you’d like? If the answer is yes then you have a right to comment on his computer-based activities because you would rather he focus his attentions on you. If, as I suspect, the answer is no, then you may just have to accept that you have married a man with a sex drive considerably greater than yours. Deny him his online fun and I wonder where he might go next? A lot of women bestow on men an emotional depth that we don’t possess. This has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It is very basic. Part of his pleasure may lie in the fact that it’s secret. Try to forgive his weakness and see his inept attempts to hide his clandestine internet activities as somehow sweet. By the way, if you really are completely computer illiterate, good luck operating that spy camera!

Poppy - I doubt you're mumsnetter - but I wish you were. I wish you'd come to the relationships section and talked to us first.

Any other Poppy's out there? Graham is talking utter bollocks. Looking at porn constantly (if that's what her DH is actually doing) is not "sweet"

This was in the telegraph FFS. I don't think he should be allowed to give out advice - I hope Poppy hasn't followed it.

AuntieStella Wed 04-Jun-14 14:04:10

How do you work out what sort of cosmetics someone wears from what Poppy wrote?

He's right however to the extent that you have to make up you own mind on the acceptability of porn (and the underlying issues such as trafficking and the attitudes to sexual gratification and the relationships between the sexes it portrays). But he omits that it is totally reasonable to find it abhorrent? Especially when it leads to one person spending excessive time alone when that in itself is making their partner miserable.

Exactly Auntie - the issue is that whatever the activity is - it's preventing a decent and happy relationship.

GN suggests the only right she would have to be upset is if she's not getting enough sex (which he strongly doubts) - because that's all a marriage is apparently.

She doesn't know he's looking at porn. He could be having an affair. Or he could be obsessed with something else. It could be something innocent or harmless - who knows.

If he is looking at porn Graham Norton has absolutely no idea what type of porn / abuse it is.

I can't believe the casual way this is dealt with. The same paper was reporting that heavy porn usage diminishes grey brain matter.

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 14:11:36

The modern world is a moral minefield and we must all tread carefully.

Well apart from porn users. They are totally fine of course and the porn stops them from fucking your friends. So we're all winners!

<sarcastic face>

Yes, if she stops her DH from watching porn - god knows what he'll do next and it'll be ALL HER FAULT

I can't ever watch this man again.

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 14:13:03

in terms of bad behaviour in a relationship I think we can all agree that it ranks fairly low.

Um no Graham actually "we" can't all agree this.
Tosser!

Thank you - I've been silently fuming at home. I was going to tweet him. Then I was going to write a letter to the Telegraph. Instead I posted here to vent. I'm feeling better already knowing I'm not the only who thinks this advice is utter bag of shite.

BuzzardBird Wed 04-Jun-14 14:14:35

It's very sad that Poppy was made to look like it was her fault and she should suck it up. Be a good little wifey.
I think GN needs an education on this matter.

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 14:15:24

then you may just have to accept that you have married a man with a sex drive considerably greater than yours.
We need to CC Graham on all the threads started by partners of porn users, where the man is obsessed with porn and has NO SEX DRIVE for real people at all.

Really life enriching.

Graham - don't worry too much the "I'm cool with porn but ......." troops will be here soon.

I felt heartbroken for Poppy - reading that patronising crap.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 04-Jun-14 14:26:53

I'm not entirely sure I'd ask Graham Norton if I had a problem.

meditrina Wed 04-Jun-14 14:28:11

Perhaps Poppy should find a way to stop the stairs creaking? Then she'd be able to sneak up and find out if it was porn (and what sort) or something totally different. Excessive gaming? Gambling? Sending spam? Trolling? Hacking?

Whatever it is, he's deliberately keeping it secret (itself pretty hostile to a good relationship) and is putting whatever it is above spending time with her. And it's making her unhappy and insecure and he doesn't seem bothered about that.

He could be addicted to AIBU.

Are these problems real?

WildBill Wed 04-Jun-14 15:34:49

Not all porn is nasty. There are some great porn clips of young good looking couples (professional porn stars who are couples irl) having a good old healthy romp (see pornhub - usually the most viewed/rated).

I think it's quite natural to want to watch others at it. If you've ever had any experience of horses or life on a farm you'll know the other animals stop and watch when 2 animals start mating.

Don't disregard all Porn as evil filth, yes there is some really nasty stuff out there but you can choose not to look at it.

I can't be the only mner who watches porn?!

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 15:54:13

WildBill what would you estimate the ratio of "young good looking healthy* porn to "nasty porn" actually is - bandwidth speaking? Anys tats out there?

Anyways, even if Poppy's H is looking at "Healthy porn" (WB's words) he is doing so secretly, consistently/obsessively and furtively, won't talk to her about it and is hiding secrets from his DW. Which is causing her stress and anxiety and is undermining their relationship.

And GN advises her to be a good wifey and suck it up and not to worry as her poor H is probably an emotional puddle.

Just how healthy is that for anyone?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Jun-14 15:58:21

I feel really really disappointed in GN

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 04-Jun-14 16:02:46

Wow! there is "some" porn featuring young, good looking people out there? thanks for the heads up - clearly an insider tip. hmm

I used to like GN, wish I hadn't read this thread sad

vestandknickers Wed 04-Jun-14 16:03:33

The make up comment is a bit weird. The rest of it seems ok though. I agree that watching porn is very low down on my list of things to worry about. I have no idea if my husband watches porn and if he does I really couldn't care less.

I wouldn't feel too heartbroken for Poppy. I should imagine the "problems" are usually made up. The bit about the spy cam is quite funny!

helensburgh Wed 04-Jun-14 16:07:41

I very much doubt poppy is real. However I completely agree it will be someone's problem somewhere.

However GN is by profession a comedian. I wouldn't read anything or listen to anything he says and take it seriously. Saying that pornography is not a laughing matter and I wouldn't even read on if I saw the start if this in a newspaper. No ones forcing people to read what he says.

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 16:08:13

vestanddknickers wouldn't you be worried about it if your H was watching it secretly, obsessively, compulsively and lying to you about it?

No matter how you feel about porn, wouldn't the scenario described by Poppy make you feel worried about your relationship?

helensburgh Wed 04-Jun-14 16:08:25

There's a difference between porn and paedophiles etc.

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 16:09:27

There's a difference between porn and paedophiles etc.
<faints>

lljkk Wed 04-Jun-14 16:09:35

Isn't it just GN giving his opinion? His opinion as valid as any other to give? Debate what he said all you like, but I can't accept the "shouldn't be allowed to give advice" statement at all.

BeCool Wed 04-Jun-14 16:11:48

I can't accept the "shouldn't be allowed to give advice" statement at all.
oh the irony confused

calmet Wed 04-Jun-14 16:12:58

I am totally anti porn. But actually that is irrelevant as far as Poppy is concerned. She is not happy with her DP using it. That is all that should matter. Graham has basically told her she is wrong to be unhappy about this. That is totally wrong.

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