Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The big W word....

(255 Posts)
MissBooBoo Wed 04-Jun-14 12:34:14

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

onetiredmummy Wed 04-Jun-14 12:46:08

Propose to him then.

Also:*He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son.*

He does know that you can't pick & choose the gender of your child yes? Why would it be you giving him a son? I'm not keen on his choice of words here, they are odd.

Perhaps he doesn't want to get married at all. Have an honest conversation about marriage & see if you both want the same thing.

Why would you want a traditional wedding?
If you want to be married then surely that is the most important thing?
Why is being married so important to you?
You should be married for all sorts of financial and practical reasons but is that why you want this?
Do you want a 3rd child? It sounds like you are giving him what he wants without a thought for yourself. Am I right? Hope not!
He's been stringing you along for years now. He won't change.

everythingtakesages Wed 04-Jun-14 13:08:13

Unless your posting from the Days of Yore, this is ridiculous. I would say you want to set a date for the wedding and get planning. If he won't set a date ask why.

Marriage is something two people agree to enter into together, women are not passive maidens waiting for questions to pop.

magoria Wed 04-Jun-14 13:28:47

I don't think he wants to get married.

I think the charm and the comments about a son got you to shut up for a while.

Ask him to agree a date with you. If he wants to 'traditionally romantically ask you' my bet is that is is just the next delaying tactic.

WildBill Wed 04-Jun-14 13:36:42

He doesn't want to get married. Don't have a third child.

MagnificentMaleficent Wed 04-Jun-14 13:40:58

I'm not keen on the "would propose if you gave him a son" comment either. What instead of a crappy girl like he got first time?

Either he is stringing you along or he is a drip and hasn't got around to it.

You could just say, do you want to get married and if he says yes explain this is all that is needed for an engagement and say you want to go ring shopping? Not very romantic but then my DH isn't into grand gestures and it has never bothered me.

MissThang Wed 04-Jun-14 13:52:06

The son thing sounds really sad to be honest. I'd question any guy who said something like that, let alone had children with someone, kept saying they would propose but didn't do it. Talk to h

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 04-Jun-14 13:59:54

A lot of people think women are obsessed by weddings and that they are a waste money. I can see the pov that there is no bigger commitment than owning a property together and having DCs. But if he loves you OP why is he unwilling to get married, big wedding or not because you have said for ages it means a lot to you for your future together.

Jan45 Wed 04-Jun-14 14:06:59

Gawd, that all sounds so depressing, like, you are waiting in hope like some withering idiot for him to take your hand, seriously, you have 2 kids together, if he hasn't wanted to marry you after this then he's not going to ever, even if you do have a third child.

If you are going to stay with him unmarried you better get yourself clued up on where you stand financially.

runningonwillpower Wed 04-Jun-14 14:09:01

I know this is going to be controversial but I'm going right out with it anyway;

Why would you have children with a man who doesn't want to marry you?

runningonwillpower Wed 04-Jun-14 14:10:06

I'm not just asking the OP, it's a general question.

Blithereens Wed 04-Jun-14 14:15:00

Mate just tell him you want to get married and you're going to book in to a registry office. If he has the screaming ab dabs then you've got your answer. Don't sit around waiting for him to do it.

meditrina Wed 04-Jun-14 14:17:45

"he has not asked my hand in marriage"

Was this just a random phrase you used, or are you waiting for the whole wedding industry/romantic novel shebang. If the latter, it's not going to happen, and you may as well face that.

But that's not the only type of wedding. If you want to be married, you need to talk to him about it again, and find out what his current thinking is. Before you do that, you need to work out if remaining unmarried is a deal breaker for you - ie is that conversation going to be formative of whether you have a future together, or is it something you'd like but can continue to live without. Don't try to force his hand unless you are sure you can live with any outcome.

If you forget the waiting for a proposal bit, you could propose to him, or just start planning the wedding.

If you decide to continue to live together, make sure you have read up on the differences in legal rights between married and unmarried families and put in places whatever mitigations you may want or need (wills, ownership of property and major assets, pensions nominations etc)

HeyBungalowBill Wed 04-Jun-14 14:27:50

Men wanting women to "give them a son" makes me cringe.
I don't know if I'm being daft but it says to me they think females are second best and not as valuable as a male. I've never heard a man ask a woman to "give him a daughter". It seems as though a woman isn't as good if she only gives a man daughters

Anyway, back to the wedding situation!
I'm thinking that he said about proposing if you give him a son to delay it IMO. It doesn't sound like he's serious about it at all, I'd be having an open conversation with him about what he wants.

And I'd just like to echo what a pp said about protecting yourself financially if you decide to stay together unmarried

MatildaWhispers Wed 04-Jun-14 14:37:36

Do you mean you had a daughter first, and then he said he would propose if you 'gave him a son'?

getthefeckouttahere Wed 04-Jun-14 14:45:29

Hey bungalow, i made it pretty clear to my ex that i wanted a girl and if she could oblige that would be fab. She did, it is. I can't be alone in knowing people with large families who pretty openly admit they kept going until they had a boy/girl. interestingly, usually families of boys who kept going as the mum wanted a girl, no one seems to suggest that the mum valued the boys less. I think theres a lot of preciousness being talked on this thread about that part of the comment.
Not really sure that expressing a hope for a boy or a girl in particular is that big a deal, linking it to marriage when you know the other person is desperate to get married is a whole different matter. It seems very cruel.

getthefeckouttahere Wed 04-Jun-14 14:46:56

oh btw OP, put him on the line over this or ya gonna be unmarried forever!

WhotheWhat Wed 04-Jun-14 15:02:38

if I gave him a son

triggered an instant image of
Little Britain's WI character and the projectile vomit. Still, I realise that's not your point.

You say "we" are not the registery office type and that "we" would want a traditional wedding. At the moment he is neither! Or maybe he really is the registry office type after all but knows you'd reject this. It is wrong of him to keep dangling it as an option if he doesn't want to marry you, but maybe it's the wedding that's putting him off the marriage. Hmmm.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 04-Jun-14 15:06:39

It's clear that he doesn't want to get married for whatever reason. I therefore suggest that you say that, in the absence of a marriage proposal, you'll be booking a trip to the solicitor so that you can sort out some basics like making wills in each other's favour, setting out the terms of the joint ownership of any property and various other financial and inheritance protection measures that being a lowly 'partner' doesn't provide. Then, if you decide that his aversion to marriage is a deal-breaker, you can leave with your head high and plenty of his cash in your pocket. smile

This has desperately depressed me. If marriage is a deal breaker for you then you need to make that really clear by having an adult conversation and make it clear that you aren't prepared to have a third child until such a time that you are married.

You can have this conversation and instigate it. It's not all about him and his wants and needs and fears.

AndyYorkeSingsBetterThanThom Wed 04-Jun-14 15:26:03

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage

I can't tell you how much this kind of thing annoys me.

Of course he hasn't asked to marry you. He doesn't have to. You give him sex, you give him domestic services, my goodness you even give him children, and you do it all for free. For his freedom. Leaving him free to walk away at any time.

Well, well done you. Aren't you the clever one? Now you come crying here because you don't have a wedding ring? You should have thought of that before you started.

What's going to happen if you don't 'give him a son'? The perfect excuse for him to move on.

Some women today are foolish. Fair enough if you want to be free yourself, don't marry. If you care about being married, live with your parents, find a nice boy while you're young, marry properly and get on with life. If you want to shag about instead, fair enough, when you're ready to marry, make the arrangements. But don't for goodness sake set up home and breed, and then wonder why he hasn't married you.
Its because he didn't need to. And now, having had some of the best years of your life, its because he doesn't want to.

[Rant from totally unashamed older female who did marry from home, bred, later divorced but still thinks that the most support a woman can arrange is if she goes from her parents' home to her marital home.]

getthefeckouttahere Wed 04-Jun-14 15:47:35

wow, that could possibly be the worst and most useless reply i have seen on mums net from Andyyorke...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 04-Jun-14 15:50:34

And the Mary Whitehouse We Never Made it Out of the 1950's Award for Sanctimonious Priggery goes to....

meditrina Wed 04-Jun-14 15:51:51

AndyYorke hasn't read the opening post properly, OP's second child is a son.

It's evidence of another 'promise' to propose which didn't materialise.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now