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Did anyone else's parents hate them having friends?

(29 Posts)
rylansteeth Wed 04-Jun-14 10:32:32

My parents were emotionally and physically (mainly my father on the physically side) to me as a child and teenager. I am non contact with them at the moment. I was just wondering if anyone else's parents hated them having friends and getting on with other people?

From about the age of 11, my mum absolutely hated me having friends. If I went to anyone's house and got home and said I'd had a good time my mum would tell me to pack a bag and to fuck off and live with them. She used to say that she hated all my friends and she'd go mad if I said I liked someone else's mum, dad or siblings. She would then say that I only liked them because they were nice to me as I arse licked them, but because I was apparently so vile and unlikeable at home then that's why she, my dad and sister weren't nice to me.

A couple of times I came home from staying overnight at friends' houses and found my bags had been packed and I was told to move out. Then there would be a massive scene, with my mum hysterical and crying and eventually I'd be "allowed" to stay on the condition that I "mended my ways".

I'm in my mid thirties now, and like I said I am non contact with my family. However I still feel a sense of guilt about having friends and getting on with people. I'm lucky enough to have lots of lovely friends and acquaintances but I always have this nagging voice in my head that makes me feel guilty. I know it's really silly to feel that way though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 04-Jun-14 10:38:45

You said your parents were emotionally abusive and trying to isolate a victim is a pretty classic technique of emotional abusers. Your mother sounds pathologically insecure on the one hand and excessively controlling on the other. To fly into hysterics at a child about anything, let alone a sleepover, is appalling. To call her behaviour 'abnormal' would be putting it very mildly.

It's normal to have friends and to want your children to have friends. Do you have children?

rylansteeth Wed 04-Jun-14 10:42:25

Yes I have three; I love them having friends and love seeing how sociable they all are.

I think you're right about the isolation thing; I think my parents wanted me to have no one.

Standinginline Wed 04-Jun-14 10:44:03

Not as bad as that ,but my mum would have her jealous moments (still does sometimes ) if I was too close to someone. She would say they were walking all over me ,that they were rude etc... Not all the time though ,it was more if it inconvenienced her. When I had my son I asked my friend whether she would be my birth partner ,my mum had said that she was too squeamish so left it that. Lo and behold on the day when partner gave her a lift back she was apparently ranting about how she hated my friend and she missed out on seeing her grandson being born. Recently I went to fireworks with my friend and that started her off saying she was stuck up etc...just because I wouldn't be able to see my nan that evening. I do feel guilty about having close friendships and always wary about putting anything on Facebook in case she sees (it's ok for my brother to have plenty of friends though ). She's also the same with my partners family as well. When I fell pregnant with my son I told my mum and partner told his mum. She then started ranting saying that it was unfair that partner told his parents but I didn't tell my grandparents. Even though she had specified that my nan would not have wanted to know before 12 weeks. It's only been recently that I've acknowledged it and I do hold a lot of resentment because of it. I'm trying to be more assertive and not walk on eggshells as she is actually a decent person when she isn't acting like a child ! I also feel guilt if I have a hobby or if I manage to do something for myself because my mum does nothing ,she has no hobbies ,my dad cooks all her dinners for her and she has only just started working at 45 (a job that I got her but still haven't heard a thanks for ).

I haven't got any advice but know exactly how you feel. It's hard but I do aim to actually start living for myself and my family and not be walking round on eggshells because of her. One day I will explode and I know I will say stuff I regret.

SweetPenelope Wed 04-Jun-14 10:45:00

My mother wasn't anywhere near as bad as yours, but she always seemed to be pleased if we had a falling out with a friend or she'd says that X "isn't a real friend" (whatever that means).

She also used to say things like "I bet you wish Auntie X was your mother" and "why don't you go and live with Auntie Y?" (this was when I said that Auntie Y wasn't the devil incarnate). Or "you want me in my grave". She was terribly insecure, I guess. She was never able to maintain friendships herself.

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 04-Jun-14 11:09:05

Yes but for differing reasons.
My mother was extremely jealous of even other family members. i never really built a relationship with my father till she died. Looking back it probably started out as pnd. All the family knew but didn't know how to broach it. She was never a danger to me but was so possessive even my father and her own mother thought she would physically attack them if they tried to hold me.
I made a few slips as time went on but quickly learnt never to say another childs parent was nice. Although she would never say anything the fury that would twist her face scared me.

I made few friends and rarely asked to bring anyone home, it just didn't seem the right thing to do. I was also never allowed to do anything in case I was injured until my mother thought it was age appropriate, but by then I had decided to play it safe for fear of the fall out and wasn't interested in whatever it was anymore. I made the mistake of excitedly rushing to my grandparents house on the way home from collecting exam results and ringing her from there to tell her my grades. She didn't speak to me for a week as I should have gone straight home and told only her even though my grandparents didn't have a clue what my grades meant. In hindsight they knew, they also knew what was coming and tried to downplay it a bit to minimise the fallout.

She also didn't have friends herself and was insecure where my father was concerned who was one of those who bring up all your supposed lists of faults in every argument.

He was also controlling. I was never allowed to stay over at a friends house because he didn't trust their parents, I was grounded more often than not for unforseen events. For example I estimated the time a cinema showing would finish and then said it would depend on the train as to what time I would arrive after that. This was at a time when phone cards were popular and just my luck all the phone booths along the way back were phone card only (which I wasn't allowed to have). I was only 20 minutes outside my estimate when my dad screeched up having already been looking for me for at least 45 minutes. This was at least half an hour before the film finished as a glance at nay local paper would have told him.

Instead I had to face 3 hours of interrogation as to my whereabouts as I had obviously been lying and had to go out past midnight with him and visit every single phone box to verify my story.

I learnt to take they easy route and pick what things I thought were worth fighting for. Even a trip into town 15 minutes walk away would require me a week to mentally prepare and rehearse my answers to the inevitable onslaught of suspicion. I always thought I doing something wrong, they always assumed I would be up to no good. My father even got it into his head one summer when the house was infested with fleas (that they wouldn't get treated by the council because the place was a tip) that I wasn't sleeping downstairs for a few nights because having my feet covered with at least 20 plus of them each time I got out of bed was beginning to freak me out a little. Instead his genius solution was to decide I was going to let someone in and have sex with them, I was 14.

After I finished my A levels he gave me some money and told me I could do what I wanted with it. More fool me I took him at his word and bought myself a ring as he disapproved of my clothing choices and thought that was safe. Boy was I wrong. I had gone to a local high street jewellers yet according to him I had managed to be the only person in there who had been ripped off and bought tat. Despite being hallmarked the band was obviously fake and the stones paste. I remember looking at the floor while he ranted at me and threw the box in my face after I had excitedly shown him what I had got. I rarely wore it after that and eventually sold it for a fraction of its value.

Sorry for the essay.

BrieAndChilli Wed 04-Jun-14 11:16:39

my mum didnt mind me having friends as it meant i would be out the house but i was never allowed to have anyone in our house and was not allowed to give out our phone number. she said when you got married you then didnt need to have friends anymore.

OnesEnough Wed 04-Jun-14 11:20:03

I honestly (very stupidly) thought I was the only one whose mother did this!

For example, just talking/passing the time of day with a stranger/neighbour when I was with her made me feel very awkward and ill at ease because I was never certain what her reaction was going to be - ie. it could be extremely rude or 'normal' (but almost sickly sweet).

I have known my best friend since we were 8/9 years old which is knocking on for 40 years, and instead of being happy for me, she strongly resents her as well.

I have a little DS, and love him having friends, encourage it whenever I can, and absolutely love to see him being happy and socialising, probably particularly as he is an only child.

If you were wondering - no, my mother didn't have any friends herself, they all stopped putting up with her woes, only family that I am sure only tolerated her out of a sense of duty.

So sad all round really but worse for me ;-(

Aussiebean Wed 04-Jun-14 11:44:47

Every friend I had, had something wrong with them. Something was never right with them. Something wrong with their personality. Chip on their shoulder.

She made a lot of crap up. Although I don't know why.

thatdarncat Fri 06-Jun-14 21:57:34

Same as Aussiebean. Made it very clear who she approved of and who was "rubbish/shite/etc", and even those deemed appropriate eventually fell out of favour. Reasons...
Too confident
Too mature
Not mature enough
Too loud
Too quiet
Don't like her mum
Her house is filthy...
You get the idea.
This spanned from age 5 until around 20. Obviously couldn't stop me at the older range but still made disparaging comments. Growing up was tough though, absolutely no sleepovers were allowed, either at their house or mine. I had a wonderful best friend from the age of 12-16 and my mum hated her. She came from a rough family, was the oldest of 5 and had a reputation for being bolshy (got into trouble at school, fought with lads etc) but she was a kind, caring and great friend to me. We both brought out the best in each other. We spent a lot of time with each other (as best friends do) and my mum would say things like "You always do what she tells you", "You let her rule your life", "She's a bad influence". I will never forget an ugly episode one Mother's Day when I, at the age of 13, saved up £35 (a lot of money to a school child in 1996) and bought my mum an ornament and flowers and she turned on me saying she didnt want it and to give it to my friends mother. My mums behaviour over the years drove me away from her and often into bad company after age 16, ultimately into an abusive relationship that I felt I could not end, unsurprisingly from the get-go she disapproved.

Apologies for the essay. I have a little DD and would never behave like that with her. Mothers cannot live their lives through their children.

behindthescentedcandless Fri 06-Jun-14 22:19:10

My dad didn't like me having friends. He doesn't have many friends himself. He wasn't as bad as previous posters parents, but always criticising. I was about 16/17 when I had my first friend he approved of, prior to that no-one was good enough and it made me very anxious and nervous. He would criticise everyone and tell me to prioritise family above friends. He never encouraged friendships and was very strict about my socialising.

I have grown into a rather isolated adult, I have to say. I struggle to make and maintain friendships.

hamptoncourt Fri 06-Jun-14 22:34:22

Yes my mother was like this and I am also NC. She would do all she could to interfere in and fuck up my friendships/relationships.

Memorable incidents include her telling my boyfriend that the perfume his mother had bought me for Christmas smelt like cats piss, and another time she locked me out for having a new boyfriend ( I was 21) and I had to sleep on the doorstep all night.

All my friends secretly hated me according to her, and there was something "wrong" with all of them.

God forbid I should get on with a friends mother. I learnt not to mention them at all.....

Thislife Fri 06-Jun-14 22:39:09

What awfully sad stories.

Frith2013 Fri 06-Jun-14 22:53:35

Yes, but my mum was/is very subtle about it (dad was no problem).

I should point out that all my friends are very nice (!) but according to mum some are odd, perpetual students, 2 of them smell and my 2 friends (twins) "must have been born prematurely because they don't look properly formed".

When I was at primary school she used to invite children back (never asked me) and they were always children I didn't really get on with - not my friends. Sometimes quite a lot younger than me. She was massively controlling anyway and used to tell me off when my friends were there, once sending me to bed at 2pm so my friend was left wandering around, playing alone!

We lived 4 miles from the nearest bus stop and the catchment area for my rural high school was massive so some of my school friends lived 20 miles away. Any sort of lift was a huge undertaking (apparently) and she would suddenly kick up a fuss 5 minutes before it was time to take me down to the bus stop. She would have a headache or decide I had not behaved well enough (this continued til I was 17 or 18).

She also used to hide clothes that I had intended to wear to go out (actually, she used to throw my stuff away) or would hide one of my Doc Martens, again because I had "done something wrong".

She was awkward if I went to pick my friends up when I was older and could drive and on one memorable occasion I brought 4 friends home then she refused to let us in the kitchen to make any dinner.

Amazingly, I will be 40 soon and she's just the same now. She came to look at my allotment the other day and now dislikes intensely the old chaps she met on there who were chatting to me. :-/

I rarely reply to these threads but she phoned this evening at 10.30 which irritated me. My sister and I have told her we are not answering calls after 10 (she drinks in the evening and rambles down the phone) and I really don't want the phone ringing when I am finally setting down with my sons asleep.

Frith2013 Fri 06-Jun-14 22:56:06

Oh yes, and unsurprisingly I have had 5 pretty appalling relationships since I was 18. Yet these abusive/violent/unfaithful men she still asks after, talks about as though they were really nice and is all obsequious and fawning if she happens to bump in to them!

My sister's ex-boyfriend was a violent alcoholic (presumably he still is) and she always says, "Oh, X - I always liked him" and is always delighted to catch up with him. :-/

FabULouse Fri 06-Jun-14 22:59:02

My mother was like this, I'm also NC. Still have social anxiety issues from being isolated and punished for perfectly normal things. I love the fact that my DCs are so socially normal; I made a huge point of facilitating their friendships and hopefully avoid the dreadful loneliness I had as a young person.

VenusDeWillendorf Fri 06-Jun-14 23:28:08

My mum was an excellent judge of character- every time she thought my friends were nice (as they were like her) I dropped them like a stone.

If she hated anyone particularly, I stuck to them like glue to find out in particular what she didn't like about them - too bolshy, too opinionated, too much like my father..... Etc. she'd try and turn my pals against me and would tell them embarrassing stories about me to them, to try and get them all to laugh at me (if they did laugh, I dropped them).

She was very jealous, and had a lot of problems socialising I think. She hated having anyone around, especially my happy go lucky friends.

She doesn't have any friends now, just some people she pities, and she bitches constantly about her family and me and my sister too. No one is good enough for her.

I don't bother with her much now tbh, she's a sad, bitter and twisted old lady I see some times, but in my heart I know she's not that important to me.
I stopped sharing things with her when I was very young.
I still keep myself to myself with her even now, as I know what she's like.

I've disengaged for a long time now, and moved on. I never leave the dcs alone with her, as she's very bitchy to them, and tries to turn them against me and my DH (whom she totally hates).

She loves my dSis's bastard of an X, and fawns over him still, as he's 'such a good christian', despite the plain evidence that he's a spectacular cunt, and made my DSis' life such hell (and continues to do so).


I have lots of lovely friends smile I was lucky, I had a very good Dad, good aunties, and good friends' parents, and they taught me that most people are nice actually, and that her view of the world was wrong.

Darkesteyes Fri 06-Jun-14 23:45:01

Oh yes I had this bollocks. Got moaned at for having friends over for an hour or so after school while my parents were at work.(this was both parents) Got moaned at for going to town with a friend on a Saturday (wasn't every Sat I did this.)
DM also flew into a rage when I had a sleepover with a friend. Yet when ever I had a falling out with a friend guess who she would blame Yep.....me.

Darkesteyes Fri 06-Jun-14 23:53:41

When I was at college from 89 to 91 there were a few events like the college disco.
She kicked off about me going and said I had to be home by 10 Bloody thing didn't start till 8.30 So I struggled to get a taxi home. Phoned them at 9.30 but it was a Friday night so it didn't turn up till 10.30. (obviously DM was hoping I would decide it wasn't worth going)

Heres the best bit. The following weekend a college friend came over and me her and DM were talking about the disco while standing in the kitchen.
I stared at DM open mouthed as she falsely declared. "I don't mind what time Dark comes home as long as shes responsible and gets a cab."

Then I lost it and called her out on it in front of my friend. And im glad I did because I wasn't going to let her get away with lying OR manipulating the situation so my friend would think it was ME that didn't really want to come out. NO FUCKING WAY... I was 16/17 at the time.

Stalinssister Sat 07-Jun-14 08:35:23

Interesting. My mum was also like this and I would just feel very "wrong" as a person, whatever I did. If I had friends round when she came in (rare) I can remember she would give me a certain look which I knew would mean she would hit me later. She was very physically violent to me. She hated people coming round and I can remember my father once saying sadly that she didn't like other adults coming round much either.

It took me years to realise she was abnormal, I do think she may have had Aspergers (not necessarily related to this side of her personality, before people say that is ignorant of me) I do think that she was very insecure, and also, as other people have said about their parents who were like this, controlling.

Both my parents are now dead, and that has changed my feelings about her. I feel sad that I didn't have a better relationship with her, didn't really know her because she wouldn't let me, and sorry for her as I expect the way she was caused her a lot of pain. It has taken me a long time to get to this point because when she died I couldn't believe that someone so powerful in my life (in a bad way) could just die like anyone else!

I have two kids and feel very differently about their social lives.

I wonder what makes people like this?

Darkesteyes Sat 07-Jun-14 17:32:25

iamnot my dad would often moan if he had to come and pick me up from work when I was a teen.

Some people simply aren't cut out to be parents and do it simply because it is what is expected in society.

I sometimes isolate myself too. Reading this thread has given me some insight as to why.

"I wonder what makes people like this?"

A percentage of the population is both dysfunctional and abusive.
It could be that their own childhoods also featured abuse of some kinds (plural used deliberately here). Most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

ArabellaRockerfella Sat 07-Jun-14 17:48:20

My mum's mother was like this. My mum is now nearly 70 and still emotionally scarred by her childhood! Please get some counselling and move on from this so you don't end up unhappy like her! smile

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA Sat 07-Jun-14 18:58:20

My dad was like this more than my mum. Lost it once bringing college friends bk because we were all wet from rain and got the floor wet. Oh ffs. Its water.

MarmiteMania Sat 07-Jun-14 21:01:46

I am reading the above posts with shock; just incomprehensible. I have always liked my own company too much and never felt isolated being alone. I recognise this trait in myself though, and have encouraged my dd's social life. She obviously didn't inherit my genes as at 16 she is the life and soul and I am lucky to ever catch sight of her. I think sadly these people put their insecurities above maternal love and try in a warped way to justify that.

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