Dear All,
I'm writing here to get some advice. I divorced just under 2 years ago, and want to get back with my ex-wife.
It's complicated and I feel no advice would be worth anything if I didn't paint a clear and honest picture of what happened before and since the divorce, and what my motivations are. So this might take a while.
We were together for 30 years, and married for 22. We have 3 children, who are now working or finishing University.
We were going through a rough time emotionnally as a couple before we got married, as we had been through a miscarriage and were struggling to conceive. We were just about to break up when our first baby finally came along, and so I/we entered into this marriage with mixed feelings. My Dad had left my Mum (or so I believed at the time - turned out to be the other way round) when I was 2, so there was no way I was going to do the same. I believe that if there's one thing you have to do with your life, is to better your parents. Otherwise, you've missed your turn.
So anyway I tried to be the good family man but, not surprisingly knowing what I know now, I went in and out (mostly in) of phases of depression. I gradually became withdrawn towards my ex over the years, but never let it be seen by my children, and did my best to be a good dad. I think I was depressed because I felt trapped, torn between the love and desire to be with my children and the prospect of having to stay in a failed relationship. But because I had decided to stay, I did the whole family thing: 3 children, estate cars, large house, pets, holidays abroad, etc.
Because of my general unhappiness, we decided that a change of scene might do me good and we immigrated to the uk about 5 years after we got married (I had always wanted to live in the uk, as I had spent all my summer holidays there).
We decided to place our children in private schools, to give them a bit of help, since we weren't familiar with the schooling system and curriculum.
Although there were lots of positives (and quite a few negatives), this decision placed a huge financial burden on us.
I could not make enough money by working for someone else, so I started my own business, from home, working all hours and weekends, whilst my ex looked after the children.
After about 15 years of that, approaching the age of 50, and the children leaving the nest, our marriage fell apart.
I still felt trapped, and started seeing our children's departure with huge apprehension, but also as a sort of possible light at the end of the tunnel. My ex and I did acknowledge the problem and we did talk about it. I wouldn't say she was asking me to leave (maybe that might not have looked right vis a vis the children), but she wasn't holding me back too strongly either. It wasn't a mutual decision on the surface, but I think deep down she wasn't too sorry to see the back of me, which I fully understand, given how withdrawn I could be towards her.
It's a bit more complicated than that, since there were flings here and there during and even before that period, but basically, without the children, we seemed to have had little in common.
So we sold the house, closed the business, and divorced. It wasn't 100% amicable, since continental matrimonial laws can less favourable to women than their UK counterparts, but objectively I think it was basically fair, given what we'd respectively put into the marriage. I'm certain she still disagrees.
My relationship with my children was very strained at first but, after the initial phases of anger and sadness, they became good. Not qiote as good as I would like (or as they should if I could explain to them the sacrifices I made) but good, almost back to normal. However any innocent comment can easily be taken the wrong way, so I have to be careful with what I say.
Right after the divorce, I met someone, whom I lived with almost right away, but who was very possessive, to the point of not wanting me to spend too much time with my children (and ex) at xmas (appropriately spelt ?), as an example. Every visit to my ex was the subject of disobliging comments. Not sure whether that's justified or not. My Dad thought it was. Everyone else, including me, didn't.
Not surprisingly, this new relationship didn't last too long - 2 years. During that time, much to everyone's surprise (children and friends mainly) my ex and I enjoyed a really good relationship - although we only saw each other in presence of the children (else I'd risk castration) we seemed to enjoy each other's company again, helped each other out whenever we could and, generally, were very positive towards each other.
Ok, I'll get to the point.
The point is, I want to get back with her. I don't mean in a physical (I'm 54, too old for really good sex) way, or even in an emotional one (I wouldn't say I'd be indifferent if she had boyfriends, but I couldn't blame her if she did, and wouldn't want to either) but I am just attached to her. I love her like I love my Mum and my children. Not sure if I'm getting this across the way it feels. It's just love. Not passion. It's stronger than that.
Why is this different to when we were married ? I think it is simply because I don't HAVE to be with her. No obligation. There is nothing, absolutely nothing - babies, finance, jobs, peer pressure - that is making me want to do this. And since I believe this was the main cause of my depression and all that followed, I think it has a good chance of working.
The benefits would be numerous:
- neither of us being lonely (she has lots of friends, I have very few - easier to make friends when you are picking kids from school then when you are forced to work from home). I don't think she or I mind solitude too much, but just having someone around when cooking, watching tv, walking the dog and sharing everyday chores (I don't mind doing all of them - I don't work as much these days without the school fees) - all of these would be much more pleasant, and if individually they don't seem like match, added together they do represent a lot of time.
- able to move into a larger house (we each have our own 2 up 2 down small cottage) so as to accommodate all our children and their boyfriends, babies, in laws, etc. when they visit. It is currently a nightmare even if the children turn up by themselves.
- but most importantly of all, giving back a united family to our children and future grandchildren, and to some extent our respective parents. That's the big attraction for me. I thought my job as a Dad was accomplished when the children left. I can now see how untrue that was.
I don't think my ex loves me in the traditional sense either. I think (hope) she probably has the same feelings for me as I do for her, with a varying degree of fondess.
Anyway, my intention is to invite her to diner (should I take her to the hotel/restaurant that I took her to on our first weekend abroad in the early 80s ? she would be on her guard - is that a good thing, a little advance shock-absorbing warning of what's to come ?) and, as we are sat at the table, hand her a written letter explaining all of this: why and how I want us to be a family again, why it didn't work before and why I think it would work now.
So the question is, do you think it is a good way to go about it ? How do you think she might react ? It's obviously difficult to answer without knowing how she feels towards me, but I guess she has some of the "fondness" I mentioned, maybe not quite as much as I do, and she will see this with some suspicion (are my intentions true) and some apprehension (am I being too optimistic).
Thank you for taking the time to read this - well done if you got this far - and please let me know all your thoughts. I would read them with interest.
You're in for a bumpy ride.