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Cheating verbally agressive husband threatening to take son

(40 Posts)
scout79 Mon 26-May-14 20:35:45

Hi all
I need some advise. I have been with my husband over 10 years, been married for 5 and we have a son who is 2 together. A little over 2 months ago I found out that he has been cheating on me with call girls - hookers - couples (from online sites) and orgies. Just writing that down makes me feel so sad. We haven't had sex in a while as my son sleeps so very very poorly and I do EVERYTHING on my own. occasionally I get a bit of help if he takes him out for the day or if I get a lie-in for an hour or two but that's it. He says he pays the bills so really the rest is up to me. He blames me for the lack of sex and 'if I would just open my legs more' then it would be so much better. sad I truly can't believe he even says those things to me.
I have also just read a book called "men who hate women, and the women who love them' which is a phenomenal book (albeit despite the title) and it made me realise and accept for the first time that I am in a verbally abusive relationship. So for the last two months I have been looking at my relationship with fresh eyes trying to decide if we can work it out.
I asked him to go to see a therapist and also for us to have couples counselling, which we are doing - but its not making any difference.
The problem is that when we talk about options and the possibility of splitting up he starts telling me things like he will do whatever it takes to make sure our son stays with him, he will 'lay waste to anyone who tries to take him' and will go at it 100% to make sure he stays with him.
I am actually dreading telling him that I want us to separate because I don't know what he's going to do. He's a tall man with massive presence, a big booming voice and very frightening when angry. Although I don't personally think he will be physically violent, I am so unsure of how he's going to react - will he take him away? what rights do I have? how can I make sure our son stays with me? etc
I have an appointment to see a solicitor this week but I'm so concerned about my situation.
I have also been in touch with the job centre about what benefits I'm entitled to as soon as I let him know what I want to do.
Do any of you have any experience with this?
Its awful but I often question myself - am I exaggerating? is he REALLY that bad? will the courts believe me if I don't believe myself?
please help!
xx

hamptoncourt Mon 26-May-14 20:48:14

He sounds absolutely terrifying to me.

Have you called womens aid?

Does he say these awful things about "laying waste" to you in front of your counsellor?

Tread carefully OP. Get out as fast as you can but get out safely. Do you have any family or friends you can go to where you would be safe?

scout79 Mon 26-May-14 20:50:29

no I don't have any family here - they're all abroad.
no I haven't called womens aid yet. no he doesn't say anything awful really in front of our counsellor - which makes it all so much worse.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 26-May-14 20:57:08

Which one of you is primary carer for your son at the moment and has he got any convictions at all

hamptoncourt Mon 26-May-14 20:57:38

I am not an expert but I have read many times on here that couples counselling is a waste of time when one partner is abusive.

I think you should make a plan to leave and then tell him once you have gone. I really don't want to upset you but there is something quite unsettling about your post.

See the solicitor, try womens aid for advice. Keep posting.

Make sure he doesn't have access to your internet history/mumsnet.

DillyBob14 Mon 26-May-14 20:58:13

in my experience him threatening to get custody is just another form of his abuse. He is using your worst fear to force you to stay with him. Please do call Women's Aid - get his behaviour documented with anyone who will help.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 26-May-14 20:58:40

your husband, obviously. not your son smile

pauline6703 Mon 26-May-14 21:04:14

You are going to counselling which is a good sign. Can you contact the counselor and tell her/him about your feelings and fears so they can be raised at a meeting? If not try to voice them yourself. It needs to be talked about but after ten years together there must be something worth working for.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 26-May-14 21:23:14

You think there's something worth fighting for when he's been with call girls, hookers, couples (from online sites) and orgies? Yeah, right.

I would NOT be raising his behaviour with the counsellor, I'd be making secret plans to leave. And quickly.

Hissy Mon 26-May-14 21:26:48

Ignore that. Sorry but that's dangerous advice.

Means well, i'm sure.

Stop joint counselling. Now. Tell them that you're being abused. Insist on separate counselling for yourself.

Call WA and tell them what you have said here, see what they advise.

The solicitor will allay your fears about custody of your son, and perhaps show you how to keep the bulk of care.

You have suffered for the greater part of 10 yrs, it's time to stop that and get your child into a healthier place.

Hissy Mon 26-May-14 21:27:45

The ignore message was for poster Pauline, not bitter btw.

wafflyversatile Mon 26-May-14 21:31:59

Don't discuss this with the counsellor unless it is only you in the session. You know now that you want to split up. Give WA a call and get some advice.

scout79 Mon 26-May-14 21:32:58

I'm the primary carer for our son (and I do a brilliant job!) - my husband has a previous conviction about 14 years ago of throwing something at his gf and she reported him to the police. but nothing else.
Pauline6703 - that's what I thought and that's why we've been going to counselling but I will no longer put up with being treated so very badly - and honestly the way he focuses on our son now is frightening. sad

scout79 Mon 26-May-14 21:34:40

I definitely agree Hissy - I know he will lie and cheat and do everything in his power to make me look bad in front of the courts. I need to find things to prepare - but I'm not sure what... or even where to live...

hamptoncourt Mon 26-May-14 21:38:09

scout that is twice now in a short period that you have described him as "frightening". I honestly think the time for counselling is past and the time for getting the fuck out of there has come.

I do think womens aid will help you. You say your family are abroad....can you go there for a bit?

wafflyversatile Mon 26-May-14 21:41:17

The previous conviction isn't going to do him any favours.

If he ever does anything similar to you make sure you call the police. It gets it all on record.

The chances of him getting custody are vanishingly small.

How is he focussing attention on your son?

100redballoons Mon 26-May-14 21:54:56

I'm not an expert either scout, but I have learned from the experts that it's not advisable to go to couples counselling with an abusive partner. Because he holds the power in the relationship, he can manipulate the sessions to his advantage and mask the root of the problem - which is his abusive behaviour.

If he already has history of abuse towards a partner, you are at risk.

Do call Women's Aid, they're brilliant, and explore the best route to keep you and DS safe. And keep posting - but be sure to wipe your history on here too. You sound strong and committed. Arm yourself with as much information as possible, and make that move.

scout79 Mon 26-May-14 21:57:27

I will definitely do that waffluversatile but I don't think he will be physically abusive towards me.
He will lie and cheat his way into court and he's so convincing.
His focus is on our son to make sure that he gets full custody.

hamptoncourt Mon 26-May-14 22:00:00

scout has his fixation on DS and his threats to have full custody started since he feels his control of you is slipping away?

Is it possible that he is just trying to frighten you into staying by making you think he can/will/must have DS?

wafflyversatile Mon 26-May-14 22:01:19

Getting full custody is a common threat but there is a fair chance he wouldn't even attempt it. He doesn't want full custody. He wants to control you, hence the threats.

Start with a call to WA tomorrow/when you get the chance and keep talking here. smile

oikopolis Mon 26-May-14 22:05:04

don't bring up abuse in joint counselling. Don't even do joint counselling. If you are too afraid to stop the joint stuff, just say as little as you can, he is abusive and will twist things that you share against you.

He won't get custody, he just won't. If you phone Women's Aid and start documenting what is going on with their help, you will put yourself in a great position for when he tries to manipulate things in court.

You need to get out. Whether you believe it or not right now, you are in danger, this man is dangerous

Lweji Mon 26-May-14 23:03:38

Definitely call WA for advice.
He doesn't really want to have custody, and probably won't even spend more than a couple of days every two weeks with his son, but he is likely to make you suffer meanwhile.
Just that he is threatening this is abusive in itself.

But he's not likely to get even 50-50 if you are essentially the only carer.

Please do not trust that he won't be physically violent. I'd follow the advice here are leave without telling him. WA will help and advise on this.

unrealhousewife Mon 26-May-14 23:18:08

OP is he from this country? It may be that he's getting so defensive because he knows that you could up and leave and there is very little he could do.

You should consider going home without his consent now as if you leave it any longer you could be done for abduction, if he put a prohibitive steps order on you then you may not be able to leave.

Either that or you arm yourself with evidence of his abuse now and use the law to protect you when you do leave him. Whatever you decide, don't let on to him, carry on as normal and cover your tracks on the internet and phones.

sadwidow28 Tue 27-May-14 01:26:41

OP please start by contacting Womens Aid:

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk

They will help you to extricate yourself from this abusive relationship with both advice and practical help.

sadwidow28 Tue 27-May-14 01:28:29

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