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SAHD has had an affair with our mutual friend

(138 Posts)
justfoundout2014 Fri 23-May-14 19:56:34

I have just found out that my dh of 15 years has been sleeping with a mutual friend, in our bed, with our 2 yr old dd downstairs. She has since moved and he swears they are no longer in touch (neither am I). He told me in the middle of a big row in which we were discussing splitting up. He began the row but, tbf, we have been having serious problems for years.

I am reeling at their betrayal ,especially because: I thought she was a friend; it was in my bed; my xchild was in the house at the time. He is deeply sorry, blah blah and now wants us to make a go of it. He accepts my need to deal with this affair before I can consider that.

The worst aspect is that she had a child and the dates mean that dh could be the father. she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - what a dick he is - she already had a child. Apparantly she has told him the child isn't his (she is married too) but I don't think we can be sure. I am the bread-winner. If he is, would I be liable to pay for this child - dh has no money of his own. I can't imagine her chasing us for money and there are also the moral implications of just 'leaving it'. it will hang over us forever. I could kill him.

I have worked so hard and this all happened at a time when I was exhausted, up each night with dd (bf) and working f/t in a stressful job. I have always considered him to be a great sahd (lots of activities, active, also doing majority of housework) and now this. How could they?

I have contacted her because I need to speak to her but she is refusing to see me. I need to. The reply she sent was so cold I can't believe she can speak to me like that. Dh has also asked her to see me and she has refused saying it's nothing to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her dh tomorrow as he apparently knows more about it than I do and will be able to provide answers to my many questions. Dh, though not trying to stop me, believes it to be a bad idea as he thinks this man will try and punish dh by lying to me about stuff to make it look even worse than it is.

I just don't know what to do. Should I see the man? Can I make her see me?

AnyFucker Fri 23-May-14 20:00:07

Never mind them. Deal with your H.

gamerchick Fri 23-May-14 20:01:41

I don't think you can make her.. she has nothing to gain by seeing you and as she's already slept with your bloke she's not going to consider your feelings is she?

Sod what your husband wants, see the husband if you want to but I can't see it making you feel better sad

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 23-May-14 20:01:48

No, you can't make her see you.

I don't get why her DH would lie. He wouldn't really, would he?

NatashaBee Fri 23-May-14 20:04:27

I was about to ask if her husband knew about the affair, then I read the part where you were going to meet him tomorrow. I suspect the reason that your DH doesn't want you to meet the husband is actually that he might reveal yet more lies that your DH has told you, though. Presumably the husband will also want to know if the baby is his and will be as keen on a DNA test as you no doubt are.

justfoundout2014 Fri 23-May-14 20:08:28

I don't know how I can deal with dh without knowing the truth about this child, though, and I need her for that. surely we/he has a right to know whether the child is his? I want her to have aDNA test - though I know it may well not be the result I want. Ffs, I can't believe this is happening, it's like we are in a shit soap opera.

I think dh thinks her dh may lie as a way of getting to dh, don't know.

I just don't see why she should be able to walk away without facing up to what she has done.

I am going mad not knowing why/ when etc Why did she actively maintain a friendship with me when this was going on? That is another thing I want to ask her. Was she getting a kick out of it?

yoyo27 Fri 23-May-14 20:10:23

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. That is the ultimate betrayal.

In my experience, you could try again, but the trust is gone. You won't ever trust him again.

Big hugs x

justfoundout2014 Fri 23-May-14 20:10:56

Her dh has known for ages. dh swears it has been over for 18mths-2 yrs (can't remember exactly hmm) and that he has known for about a year that her dh knew. Has been 'shitting himself' as her dh had threatened to tell me but he never did. Apparantly, her dh believes the child to be his - maybe has had a test?

Bowlersarm Fri 23-May-14 20:12:21

Phew. OP.

If I were you, I would want to know the paternity of her child, just so I knew, if nothing else.

For what it's worth, I think you can move forward with your DH as a couple, if that is what you want, although it is a huge betrayal.

NatashaBee Fri 23-May-14 20:13:28

Personally I would meet with the husband. You may get answers to some of your questions that way. You may get nothing or feel that you can't trust what he tells you - but I don't think that leaves you any worse off than you are now.

tigermoll Fri 23-May-14 20:16:09

Hmm. I too have a feeling that the "lies" the husband might tell "to make it look even worse than it is" might actually be yet more true things that you DH has seen fit to keep from you.

If I was you, I would meet with him tomorrow. Otherwise you're basically just agreeing with your husband to pretend that everything is over and done with, that child "definitely" isn't his, and that he's been totally honest with you, which, I'm sorry, but I just don't think he has.

Quitelikely Fri 23-May-14 20:16:32

You poor woman. 2 things. You said you've had serious problems for years and he cheated with your friend.

You have to ask if its time to cut your loses. I'm all for families staying together but this just seems too much.

You said he's a good father. That's questionable and he certainly isn't a good husband.

He has shown what he thought of you. I mean was it the once or was it lots of times? Did it only stop because she moved too far away?

And a baby! Bloody hell. You paying for it. I know what I would do.............

ZenNudist Fri 23-May-14 20:26:58

Just leave her be. It sounds like you're obsessing about a possible child when really you should focus on whether or not you're going to stay with your H. She's a selfish cow. No good can come from pushing her for answers - she's a liar. Talk to your H - get the truth from him, if you can.

If she doesn't want you involved in her child's life then it's surely best left if you and your H are also ambivalent / opposed to taking on responsibility for this child.

If your H decides to he could try to pursue her through the courts to get parental responsibility and force a paternity test. Seems like a strange thing to do.

It sounds as if you want to meet her husband to find out more about the affair which means you can't trust your H to tell you the truth. It's total BS that your H is concerned the husband would 'lie' to you. That just means there is more he isn't telling you.

QuintessentiallyQS Fri 23-May-14 20:32:44

Poor you. I would be very suspicious that your lying cheating husband is telling you her husband will be lying. Most likely he has told you the bare minimum of what he thinks he can get away with, whereas he is worried that his OW will have told her own husband the full story and your husband is now scared you will be told more than he is willing to admit.

I would definitely go see him. He has nothing to gain from lying to you.

I would also in your shoes seek some legal advice regards your position, in case of a split between you and your husband, seeing as he is the primary carer of your child.

justfoundout2014 Fri 23-May-14 20:36:32

I'm going out of my mind here. Dh has gone out to confide in a friend as he's had no one to talk to. I just can't get it out of my head that she can just walk away from this and not deign to explain to me how she looked me in the eye knowing what she was doing. she was not my friend - we met her at school and she actively pursued the friendship - with both of us.

I know it seems like dh must be scared of seeing this man as he'll reveal more stuff, but I'm not sure. he isn't trying hard to stop me, though it was after her h contacted me that dh contacted her to ask her to see me - I suppose he may have done that out of desperation to stop me seeing her dh. However, her dh is a very odd character, as we have both been aware, so it may just be that.

Fuck - I am going to go mad this evening. I wish he hadn't gone out.

spindlyspindler Fri 23-May-14 20:47:54

I am so sorry. I would be out of my mind with fury in your position. At the same time, though, what would seeing her do? What explanation could she possibly offer? Is there anything she could say that would make you anything other than homicidally furious?

RonaldMcDonald Fri 23-May-14 20:55:58

okay it sounds really awful. I'm so sorry to hear.

I wouldn't see her husband or her. What is the bloody point?
They aren't part of your life.

Your H can tell you all that you need to know about the affair.

Don't get caught up in the circus of how she reacts or if she is repentant enough etc perhaps much later down the line when you have processed the pain and emotion you could look to her for answers but by then the need should have passed.

Focus on your H and your decisions around the marriage and affair.
Your H will have wanted to tell you for a while as he will have always been waiting for her H to tell you. He has taken the opportunity of this argument to clear his anxiety and take control of the information.
How nice for her and your H to have her poor H and you meet to discuss their affair
I simply would not do that

I hope you feel a bit better soon

gamerchick Fri 23-May-14 21:08:03

See the thing is, as sucky as it sounds she doesn't owe you anything. Yes it may be decent thing for her to sit and take whatever you throw at her but really you need to focus that energy on your husband.

She is not going to explain herself, she is not going to take anything you dish out meekly while ashamed of herself.. confronting her will not make you feel better, it's likely to make you feel worse and more angry than you already are. Don't fall into the trap of diverting from your husband onto her.. don't try to engineer a meeting or turn up at her door or send her messages or you may find yourself with the police having a stern word with you.

Rant on here all you want you have every right to feel the way you are.

Meeting the husband might answer more questions you have or it might create more that will blag your head.

Do you think a bit of space from your husband might help your head to go in a straight line somewhat? maybe tell him to stay at his friends tonight perhaps.

JustAQuickiePlease Fri 23-May-14 21:21:55

I am really shocked that he has gone out to talk to someone, leaving you alone not knowing what is what. He's appalling.

Do you really want to stay with this man? Could you ever forgive him? I couldn't.

LibraryMum8 Sat 24-May-14 05:24:29

I'm so sorry. I was up for you seeing the H until you said he was an odd character. Now I'm not sure. I think you need to get the answers from your husband. Again, I'm so sorry.

livingzuid Sat 24-May-14 05:58:34

So it's fine for your h to swan off as he needs the support?! Where is the support for you? Have you anyone in rl to talk to?

Very sorry you are in this position. I understand the desire to know everything but it won't help anything in the long run. You need to focus on your own relationship and where you want it to go - divorce or reconciliation. I personally would be looking at the former. What have you had out of this marriage? Could you trust again?

dollius Sat 24-May-14 06:15:21

Let's get this straight:

When did you find all this out?

He says this all happened 18 months to two years ago, so when your dd was a small baby?

Where was the baby when he was shagging the mistress? Did he seriously leave a tiny baby alone like that?

I think you should do the following:

1. See the husband and find out what your DH is not telling you/paternity proof.
2. Tell your DH it is time for him to go back to work.
3. Establish yourself as primary carer.
4. Decide if marriage is worth saving.
5. If it is not, then divorce DH.

Pugaboo Sat 24-May-14 06:35:17

I think dollius' advice above is spot on. So sorry you're going through this. Your DH sounds awful, to tell you during a row as well...

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Sat 24-May-14 06:48:14

Any child support payments are based on your husband's income, not yours.

justfoundout2014 Sat 24-May-14 07:29:48

Well he's not back having stayed at his friend's last night. He has promised to be back by 8.30 so dd can go swimming (ds is ill, so we can't go unless dh is back). He has no form for staying out all night, and he did let me know, but I feel this is really bad timing.

DD is 5 now, so she was between (just) 2 &3 when this happened. Doesn't make it ok, but she wasn't a tiny baby. Between 2 & 3 she was not at nursery so would have been in the house. sad angry. Dh claims they were very quick (they would have had to be, she was very demanding and clingy) and that he shut the stairgate. I had to drag this out of him as he was claiming at first that they hadn't 'done it' with dd there, but I worked out they must have. He says they weren't doing it all the time etc, not as much as I must think...

He also says at some point during this year he told OW that dd was too old and they stopped for a while, then restarted when dd started nursery. However, they continued to see each other for coffee most days during this 'break', and OW continued to see me at weekends. I am a teacher, so no contact alone during holidays (dh has never gone out a lot alone).

However, aside from our child, there was the OW's baby, conceived quite early on in the affair, I think. They continued while she was pregnant and after the baby's birth. This woman was doing what she called 'attachment parenting' so god knows what they did with the baby. Dh claims not to remember. Talking to him about this is like discussing his parent's awful divorce that happened when he was 15. He shuts down, looks sad, claims he has blocked out details as it was too awful, can't remember etc.

Dh going back to work is not really an option. He has never had a career like I have and wouldn't make a fraction of what I do. He has been a SAHD for 7 years and has done a very good job, apart from this. I couldn't just stop my career - it is a huge part of my life and I have just got a promotion I have been wanting a while. Do I have to give that up because he has shagged some woman. Dh does bring some money in from stuff he can do from home, but it was never an option for him to be a breadwinner.

It is a relief to know I may not be liable for child support payments (though I know there are other issues related to the child as well). I think it really would break us if I saw that money going out every month. If anyone is wondering, this other family are very well off and I even think the woman may have used dh to get a child. She had already told me that she and her dh had had trouble conceiving when we first met...

Sorry for the mammoth post. It's helping me stay calm while waiting fir him to get back.

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