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Are you happily unmarried or are you dying to be asked the big question?

(53 Posts)
starshaker Wed 14-May-14 15:27:30

I have been married before and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Ive now got a fantastic guy who has been married twice before. People keep asking if were engaged yet. We both feel the same about marriage and have agreed that neither of us want to get married again.

So is it that unusual to agree that marriage is completely off the table

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-May-14 15:31:38

Not all that unusual. However marriage or civil partnership confers certain legal rights and protections that cohabitation doesn't and, if you're not going to walk down the metaphorical aisle, at least make sure you are not making yourself financially vulnerable in the event of separation or bereavement.

Lottapianos Wed 14-May-14 15:31:50

Happily unmarried. Had our 9 year anniversary yesterday! I would like to have a civil partnership if/when they are introduced for opposite sex couples. I occasionally think that I love him so much and am so happy with him that I could marry him but I have such a problem with marriage as an institution.

ExBrightonBell Wed 14-May-14 15:32:26

I don't think it's unusual. Perhaps not particularly common though.

I am not interested in getting married and my DP is ambivalent, so he isn't bothered by my disinterest in marriage. We have been together well over 10 yrs, and I feel that marriage is completely irrelevant to me and my relationship.

People eventually stop asking, I've found!

starshaker Wed 14-May-14 15:39:14

We dont even live together and as of yet there are no plans for that either. we work the way we are. Yeah, there are times i really miss him but id rather miss him than be sick looking at him

vociferous Wed 14-May-14 15:40:22

Hi Folks. Interesting question. I am a 26 year old single parent of 8 year old adoptive DS and I absolutely happy with the situation as it is! :-)

TheCunkOfPhilomena Wed 14-May-14 15:40:31

My DM and her partner (whom I consider my DF) have been happily unmarried for 32+ years now.

I have been saying for quite a while though that I would love for them to come back from holiday and declare that they've got married or just go off one afternoon and do it without telling anyone (they wouldn't want a fuss) and this is purely down to the legal standing of marriage.

Xenadog Wed 14-May-14 15:50:24

I've been happily unmarried in several long term relationships (and turned down marriage to two different men) but now I have a 5 month old DD with DP I am finally thinking that marriage is something I am ready for.

Not interested in changing my name but like the security marriage will bring and the idea of us being a "unit" which I don't necessarily feel with being unmarried.

DP does want to be married as well but he won't ask me as I have spent all our relationship prior to DD saying I never wanted to get married so now I need to let him know but can't think of how to do it!

OP, it's your life so don't feel pressurised into doing something you don't want to. When people ask about getting wed I would try to laugh it off with a "Once bitten, twice shy" comment then change the conversation if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Jan45 Wed 14-May-14 15:50:28

Myself and most of my friends all live with their partners, I feel I missed that boat a long time ago and have no reason to get married now even for financial reason, or, maybe I've just never been that sure!

Marriage is important to some, I've never been that fussed, you either are committed or you are not, getting married won't change that.

mswibble Wed 14-May-14 16:06:23

Im happily unmarried, 9 year anniversary in July. I suppose I would be willing to have an extremely low key registry office do but I know that OHs family would not be happy at all. Catholic family and want the whole church do and show off reception. We're both athiests and since I can think of a million other ways id rather spend a couple of thousand quid such as a new kitchen and bathroom, we remain happily unhitched!

Andcake Wed 14-May-14 16:07:24

happily unmarried - I had an unsuccessful first marriage and only married him because of his christian family (I would have preferred not to). Love DP and went through a real fear when i was pregnant that he might ask me!!! luckily he didn't
I think it is really sad to want to get married and change your name and all that. Just not a very grown up, modern woman thing to do in my view. i actually look down a bit on some of my friends who changed their names I find it sad they aren't who they once were.

Standinginline Wed 14-May-14 16:09:03

Been with my partner 6ish years and have 2 kids with him. He's sometimes hinted about marriage but I'm not interested. Not because I don't love him but because I don't believe it'll make any difference to our relationship. Maybe in a few years time when our kids are older that'll be for legal reasons more than anything.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 14-May-14 16:12:53

My mum and step dad were happily unmarried for years.

They did get married a few years ago, purely because it made financial sense. I don't think people realise that 'common law' in the uk is a myth and that if you split up you aren't entitled to anything.

Lottapianos Wed 14-May-14 16:14:01

Andcake, I agree with you - I think getting married is a deeply conservative thing to do, no matter how wacky and individual your wedding day. I also find it downright sad when women change their names, less so when couples add each others names to their own, which is hardly ever!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-May-14 16:19:32

"I think it is really sad to want to get married and change your name and all that"

I think it's even sadder when some poor woman has produced a few kids, run a home & given up a job perhaps to support a partner in building their career and then he leaves her for someone half her age or ups and dies ... only to find out she's got no higher status than a former lodger and is entitled to sod all.

Weddings, big frocks and name changes are a bit of a red herring. The legal protection is vital and no-one should overlook that on the basis that it's 'sad'

Xenadog Wed 14-May-14 16:22:15

I agree wholeheartedly with Cogito. I would never change my very anonymous surname but the security being married brings can't be ignored that's why my thinking on this subject has altered.

TallyGrenshall Wed 14-May-14 16:22:49

Happily unmarried here as well.

We've been together 6 years, 1 DC and we have talked about it but I have been very clear that it is not something I want. We have wills, life insurance, and the house is in my name (deliberate and agreed) so I'm happy with that

Thurlow Wed 14-May-14 16:23:18

Happily unmarried, 14 years together and 1 DC. Started a thread about this a week or so ago as I was feeling in a distinct and judged minority!

As long as you are comfortable and happy with the legal and financial differences between partnership, co-habitation and marriage then there is absolutely no reason to get married just because that is what most people do.

Still married to xh and always said I'd never make that mistake again but have changed my mind over the last six months. Not now but one day in the future I can see myself marrying again. It was simply the wrong person and wrong reasons with xh.

TheCunkOfPhilomena Wed 14-May-14 16:30:55

Cogito, my DM and her DP have stated quite clearly in their wills what they wish to happen after one of them dies. I don't know the details but would that be enough? Maybe I should really start nagging them!

I find the idea of a big wedding (I mean the ones that cost thousands and thousands of pounds) obscene. Especially when the couple write in the invitation that they would like money as a gift. Why not have a small wedding and save money? Too many couples start their marriages in debt due to this and I don't understand it.

Lottapianos Wed 14-May-14 16:35:23

Cogito, you are right that sadly too many people believe that living together and/or having a child together entitles them to financial support if it all goes wrong. It's another good reason for extending civil partnerships to everyone, so that people who are uncomfortable with the history of marriage might be more willing to form a legal partnership with their DP so they are protected if things go wrong.

Of course, some people do not want any legal interference in their relationships and I think that's absolutely fine, but it should be an informed choice. I am very anti marriage personally but if DP and I were to have a child together (highly unlikely but still), I would insist on getting married for legal and financial reasons.

Jan45 Wed 14-May-14 16:37:54

How is it sad if an individual wants to get married and take the man's surname, c'mon now, it's an individual choice, nothing sad about it.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 14-May-14 16:40:46

Nope, and if you split up without being married or your DP dies, you'll be entitled to bugger all.

Not so sad now is it?

TheCunkOfPhilomena Wed 14-May-14 16:41:10

Friends of mine got married recently and the groom told the bride that it didn't matter whether she took his name or not. He looked into having her name but it is a hell of a lot more trouble, I didn't ask for examples but this is bloody unfair!

Lottapianos Wed 14-May-14 16:41:47

It's sad because it's announcing to the whole world who gets top billing in your relationship. It's sad because there's nothing equal about it. It's sad because it's often done thoughtlessly and for no other reason than 'it's tradition, isn't it?'

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