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Unstable stbxh wants to see our 21 month old but I don't think he's in a good state

(47 Posts)
Needclearhead Tue 13-May-14 21:50:25

Going through a divorce and we haven't agreed contact arrangements. So, far its been on an adhoc basis and normally arranged on the Wed before the weekend, xh normally sees our son in the day time (has had him once for a sleep over). Just been away for 3 weeks, arrived back to UK on Saturday morning. Xh knew when we were back & I also text messaged saying we were back. He suffers from depression, bipolar, being treated for cancer (which I believe is going okay), and was just made redundant. I moved out last November, as he got physical with me, needed to get out of there and to date has not paid me anything. I work full time and being paying for childcare, babysitters, etc and every other expense under the sun. I earn a decent salary and he was on double. He called Sunday evening saying he'd been in bed all day (the medication does make him drowsy, but not to the extent where he would be in bed all day) was really ill, not being eating, saying he wasn't well. He said he has no income (I know he got min 8 month pay out) or savings. Then launched into saying I need to come back to him, etc. Monday night he called again, saying he had been in bed all day and could kill himself. He previously saw a renowned psychiatrist but he is no longer able to see this dr as it was covered by private held he had with work, but as he's being made redundant, no more private health. I just encoraged him to seek help and he got angry saying I dont care about him. He called again this evening, saying he'd been in bed, didn't know what day it was, had not eaten, couldnt remember when he had last eaten, said he was ill and depressed. He then asked when he was going to see our son. I then said, that as he was ill, been in bed for the last few days (and probably more than that), hadn't eaten that first he needed to look after himself and I didn't think he was in a state to look after our son. Our son demands an enormous amount of attention and needs a lot of energy which just doesnt have. I explained that if the nursery worker or the child minder felt like he did, that he wouldn't want them looking after our son. This did not go down well and he launched into saying that I would be hearing from his solicitor and see me in the family court. I geniunely don't believe he's in any state to look after our son and dont want to be obstructive, just want to make sure our son is in good care. I can just see this getting very messy. Any tips, advice? What do you think? To add to this, I meant to be going away next month, long weekend and he'd agreed to look after our son, but I don't think he'll be able to, and I don't have family to help me out. Jesus christ, how did it all get so complicated!

Blossomflowers Tue 13-May-14 21:58:22

My X is in a similar state and I have serious doubts about letting my 14 yr old spending time with his dad, your son is not able to take care of himself, he needs protecting. Do not let him guilt you into this. DS is your priority. Sorry you are having a shit time.

Keep a log of his unstable, unreasonable behaviour and refuse all contact for the time being. This is not being obstructive, this is taking care of your son's wellbeing - you need to prioritize him over an adult man who can either sort himself out or sod off.

Needclearhead Tue 13-May-14 22:40:38

Thanks - I tried to record the phone calls but they didn't record. Any suggestions on how to do this on an iphone? The app I got was useless.

hotcrosshunny Tue 13-May-14 22:40:55

Let him go to court. If he can't get out of bed how will he manage that?!

starlight1234 Tue 13-May-14 22:47:34

I also refused care till I my Ex had been assessed when he was admitted to psych hospital.

It may be advisable to contact crisis team to let them know how he is doing as this is not your responsibility.

Recording conversations will not be admissible in court but do document it all.

I would inform him you are not stopping contact but suspending it till he is well.

My Ex took me to court and Cafcass said no contact till he had a psychological or psychiatric assessment but then Ex pulled out.

fifi669 Tue 13-May-14 22:48:34

Can you leave DC with his parents so you don't have to see him but they can still have contact? Just so you know DC is safe.

Needclearhead Tue 13-May-14 23:26:47

I'm afraid not, his parents have seen out son about truce & not interested , plus they live a decent drive away. To top this off I'm not from England & have only really stayed to sort legal matters out & get my head around the breakdown of our marriage, find my feet agsin. But long term I do want to go home

rb32 Wed 14-May-14 11:06:08

Hang on, let me get this right....the man has CANCER and you don't want your children to spend time with him?? You should be doing everything you can to help your kids see him just incase he doesn't get over his CANCER.

dollius Wed 14-May-14 11:11:41

So he is abusive, unstable and on medication which makes him so drowsy that he has to stay in bed all day and is talking about killing himself.

But OP should send her young son over because he has CANCER.

FFS.

Bogeyface Wed 14-May-14 11:15:31

RB have you even read what the OP wrote apart from CANCER?! You dont need to shout btw, the OP knows he has it, she told you!

He is mentally ill, has bipolar and appears to be in a depressive episode. If he cant get out of bed or feed himself how on earth is he going to take care of a toddler?

That the man has cancer does not trump his sons need to be taken care of by a competent adult. Or are you suggesting neglect is ok in case he dies?

rb32 Wed 14-May-14 11:22:21

She should be trying as hard as possible to facilitate their time together surely! All these calls to refuse all contact, christ, this man is very very ill, likely recieving some heavy medical treatment and has the very real prospect of losing his life. I'm not saying that he should be allowed to have the child over by himself as no, he's probably not in a very good state (physically or mentally).

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 14-May-14 11:23:01

I'd let him see the child but only in a public place and if I was present the whole time. He's bi-polar and the OP doesn't live with him, so has no way of knowing whether he's taking his medication or whether it's working. An under two year-old being left in his sole charge? Not in a milliion years!

Bogeyface Wed 14-May-14 11:24:44

rb so how do you suggest she facilitates contact with someone who is in bed all the time?

He wants the OP to go back to him to look after him, thats what this is about, not the son.

rb32 Wed 14-May-14 11:33:46

Bogey - she takes the son to him, preferably with somebody else there too.

We are all going to die rb32 - that doesn't mean we get to treat people like shit or cause harm to our children in the time we are here

43percentburnt Wed 14-May-14 11:46:17

This man had said he could kill himself. Have you notified his gp, or other medical professionals? Of course a child should not be with someone who is suicidal. Cancer or no cancer.

43percentburnt Wed 14-May-14 11:46:18

This man had said he could kill himself. Have you notified his gp, or other medical professionals? Of course a child should not be with someone who is suicidal. Cancer or no cancer.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 14-May-14 11:47:04

"He wants the OP to go back to him to look after him, that's what this is about, not the son."

I think you are absolutely correct and suspected as much myself. I daresay the OP isn't foolish enough to be drawn into that particular web.

This man is not safe to be left in sole charge of anyone, probably not even himself, never mind a small child. But he isn't the OP's problem any longer.

rb32 Wed 14-May-14 11:47:40

Spark - Where does the op say he's caused the child harm? Yes we're all going to die but this man has a large chance of dieing fairly soon. The boy should spend as much time with him as possible surely??

"He suffers from depression, bipolar, being treated for cancer" - he sounds like a very sick man. He needs help to spend time with his son, he doesn't need to be barred from seeing him.

LocalEditorWiganandSalford Wed 14-May-14 11:57:21

I have some experience of this, exh has mental health problems and suicidal issues and dd was quite distressed at state of her dad when he turned up in quite a dishevelled state some years ago.

Ex does not see dd by his own decision currently but in your situation I would possibly consider using a contact centre if possible so he has contact but your ds is safe.

I know my dd could get out of house and call for help if needed or even get on train home, a four year old cannot.

SanityClause Wed 14-May-14 12:01:25

You know, rb32, the word "cancer" is not the death knell it was, even a few decades ago. Many people recover from cancer with the proper treatment.

Read the OP. She is not trying to be obstructive. She is not denying him contact. She is trying to ensure her DS is safe.

You would allow your child to be left in the sole care of a suicidal person, would you? Thought not.

rb32 Wed 14-May-14 12:07:19

Sanity - Read what I've posted. I'm saying the calls for her to go "no contact" with him are rediculous. I've also said before in this thread:

"I'm not saying that he should be allowed to have the child over by himself as no, he's probably not in a very good state (physically or mentally)."

And really, you're minimising cancer? Bah, he'll probably get over it...

Ladyface Wed 14-May-14 12:16:20

I moved out last November, as he got physical with me

Perhaps the OP does not want to be alone with him supervising a visit.

SanityClause Wed 14-May-14 12:18:10

Where are the calls for "no contact"?

There's lots of people saying he is not in a position to take sole charge of a toddler. People have put forward suggestions that contact is suspended, and about trying to arrange supervised contact.

And, no, I'm not minimising cancer. You, on the other hand are catastrophising it.

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