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Money - I'm worried(35 Posts)
First of all a disclaimer - l know that l am being stupid and I really apologise to those of you going through serious difficulties. However l recently lost Mum, and she's the one who would normally tell me to stop being so stupid!
Anyway, almost 2 years ago I split up with my not very nice husband. A year after this I got together with my now partner. We knew each other previously but lost touch due to me moving away from the area. Anyway to cut a long story short 8 months later we are utterly besotted with each other and next month are moving in together. I've never felt like this about anyone - he is generous, funny, gorgeous and we would both do anything for each other.
The only thing that concerns me is money. I come from a very traditional family where my mum was a housewife and daddy made the money. From an early age I had 'man should be the provider' instilled in me.
I earn a very good salary for my age, almost treble that of my partner. He earns about 25k with limited prospects. However he has a lovely house without a massive mortgage and is very sensible with money. Realistically it is unlikely that we will ever have money issues, especially as his house (where I am moving to) is in a very inexpensive area. However im so scared that I will end up resenting him for earning so much less than me, even though logically I know it doesnt matter at all. I felt like it with my ex-husband but that was compounded by the fact he was emotionally abusive! The irony is that im not a money grabber at all - I have dated some very high earners but wasnt remotely interested as there was no spark there. So how do I stop this fear that I will end up thinking less of him? Sorry again.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
If you agree who pays for what at the start then I can't see the issue. If you have a problem with his salary and worry you will 'think less of him' then then you are as shallow as a puddle and don't deserve him.
' Mummy was a housewife and Daddy made the money ' Sounds like a Dolly Parton record .
wow - don't know whether to be annoyed or proud of my first ever accusation of being a troll. For what it's worth I've been here way longer than penis beaker gate (naice ham, pombears, cutted up pear etc) but oh well! And thanks 'can't' for the genuine response - sometimes the worries that concern us are not always logical and rational.
Are you serious?? My husband earns £25k MAX (if he does overtime) and I am a SAHM to three children under three. We have a lovely (small but nice) house in the countryside, a little money to spare for the odd treat in the month, and run two cars. I LOVE my husband not for his wage, but because he is kind, funny, provides for our family (he works 12 hour shifts) and is just lovely with the kids. What is there to resent?
My mum and dad sound pretty similar to yours, yet I don't see how that has any bearing on how you feel right now. Are you sure you aren't looking for an EXCUSE here to be mean to your partner? Maybe because of your relationship history you feel you have to be prepared to attack before he does, but honestly OP, from what you have said, he sounds like a keeper!!! Don't ruin this!
And I mean that in the kindest way!!!
Ok....look at it this way. Imagine your life without him. How does it feel? Surely THAT is a fear rather than your potential concern with how much he earns. I can't understand why you could develop a concern about that. Perhaps you think he will take advantage of your salary. Sort out finances at the start.
Why did you resent it from your ex? Was it actually because he had less money coming in? Maybe you could unpick that?
There are a few ways to arrange finances when couples move in together and you should talk about what you are both comfortable with and agree before you move in. Not just about how to divide money but buying expensive things for the house What happens about assets you both owned prior to moving in. etc. You can have one joint bills account and one joint spending account that you both use as you see fit. You can pay pay essentials proportionate to your income and keep the rest separate. He maybe keeps his house and you can save lots of money to buy somewhere should you split up. Are you renting just now? Maybe you can pay him a generous/market rent for living in his house and this would boost his spare cash? Lot's of other things to consider. Most important is you communicate with each other and are both happy.
There is nothing to guarantee that you won't, at some point in the future, change your mind about someone. Shit happens.... TBH I think the money element is a bit of a red herring. What would bother me more is that, after just 8 months, you're moving in together and you're 'besotted'. You say you know each other from the past but how well do you really know each other now? If you have doubts, wouldn't it be better to remain independent until you've had more of a chance to see how he behaves?
Yes, good advice there from Can't. You are fearful of something to do with money, and as Can't says, take care of financial things NOW!!
Chances are you and your partner will have a lovely life together, stress free, if you address your concerns now.
Honestly, going by your thread, you are so lucky!! Enjoy this time.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I am renting my house out down south so if heaven forbid anything goes wrong I still have it to come back to and the mortgage is being paid off. I was planning on paying half his bills and mortgage, only about Â£550 for me a month so very managable with my rental income offsetting mine. But I think you are right that a wider discussion abiut finances and equity longer term might be a good idea.
Neil - I really think that you may have a point. I think after my experience with my ex I am petrified and looking for the catch. I just cant describe how wonderful he is - and having lived with him for three years as friends when we were younger I know its not an act!!
I could see that from the glowing way you talked about him!! If I were you, I would sort out finances, first and foremost, just to set your mind at ease and protect your assets. He is not your ex-husband, but it is good also to look out for yourself because as Cog said, you can't predict the future. (Not that I think this bloody wonderful-sounding guy will give you any problems but you NEVER know, so look out for yourself!!)
Good luck Silk!!!
Remember that he may also feel a bit uncomfortable or have misgivings about you earning so much more. Our relationship with money is not simple accountancy; it is complex, emotional and often illogical.
Thank you everyone - l really appreciate your advice
Liquid, I earn a lot more than my husband. We tend to split things proportionately to income
If you're in it for the long haul, things are swings and roundabouts - I'm on mat leave and he is currently the breadwinner! He got some inheritance and paid off my credit card! Just talk about finances and don't let resentment build. Does it annoy me? Yes, sometimes. I'm the only one of my friends having to return to work full time; I'd love an eternity ring, etc. but him being lower down the career ladder, provides me with emotional stability and the freedom to pursue my career. I know he'll be home by 5.30 and I know I he doesn't have to work evenings. He's never too tired to take the baby.
Oh and as for things moving too quickly? Well, we moved in together after 8 months when I was 25 and here we are nearly 9 years later, married with a baby. Just because some
cynical old trouts people have had their fingers burned does not mean you have to apply their judgements to yourself. Only you know if this is the right thing for you!
You sound smitten. Live your life and enjoy!
Oh Arsebadger... speaking as one of the 'cynical old trouts' urging caution, I do hope you don't come to eat those words...
Liquid did you post about this a couple of months ago?
Cog, you are on MN constantly, dispensing 'sage' advice, and because I state something you disagree with, you wish a marriage failure on me??
I have wished you precisely the opposite.
Whereas calling people 'cynical old trouts' and thinking you'll get no comebacks is perfectly polite and constructive....
It was a general statement. People who've had misfortune themselves tend to try to piss on the chips of those who are happy. If you felt it applied to you, I can't help your self perception
Are you likely to want children with him later? Do you have certain expectations for what your life will be like then that have a financial impact (eg SAHM, working part time, private schooling, larger house etc)?
Are you (and he) willing to think outside the "traditional" gender roles (him going part time, SAHD, your career taking the front seat and him being the one to work flexibly, sharing maternity leave)?
These things are worth thinking and talking about if you think they might be relevant down the line.
FWIW, I grew up in a similar set up and had similar assumptions when I was younger. However, I'm the higher earner in our family, so we have adjusted our expectations accordingly. It works well for us and it wouldn't cross my mind to resent dh's earning power when I'm perfectly capable of earning more, and he does so much else to make our lives better.
You should also consider how he will cope with the gap. I think often men can struggle when they aren't the main earner.
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