Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WWYD? Ex-p wants to come to my house to have DD while I am at work.

(23 Posts)
MoonshineWashingLine Tue 13-May-14 18:27:35

I don't think I should let him. I certainly don't feel comfortable with it. He put me through a lot of abuse VA and EA. The problem is that he has no where to live yet, he is couch surfing and has no where he can take DD (2yo) to spend time with her... I have just been dropping her at park with him or he has been taking her to play centres and he just wants some normal time with her in a home environment. I see where he is coming from as he doesnt get to see her anywhere near as much as he would like but I really don't want him in what used to be our house. Am I being inconsiderate or am I right to tell him he's just going to have to wait until he has somewhere to live? He won't have anything for a couple of months he says.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-May-14 18:29:59

Definitely not. He is/was abusive and your home is a place of calm and safety that he should not be allowed to violate. That he has nowhere to take his child is not your responsibility. You are very sensible and quite right to tell him to wait.

Trollsworth Tue 13-May-14 18:32:28

No, he has to wait until he has adequate accommodation. It's his responsibility as a father to sort that for himself, not yours to share your space.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Tue 13-May-14 18:32:55

I'm in the same boat sad

I'm struggling with mine wanting to 'pop' in every other day to see dd - even though he walked out on us - I've just asked for boundaries.

My ex is living out the boot of his car and on couches too.

I do let him watch her here but I know as soon as I walk out sky sports is on and dd just potters around.

Looking forward to some advice myself op

Arse ache isn't it x

meditrina Tue 13-May-14 18:33:30

No. Do not let him into your home.

It is up to him to sort out what to do with DD and where. It is not up to you to provide solutions for him.

Madlizzy Tue 13-May-14 18:33:31

What they said, with knobs and bells on.

Finola1step Tue 13-May-14 18:33:57

He's living situation is not your problem. Due to his past abuse of you, do not let him into your home.

Chances are, if you let him do this, it will still be going in in 6 months time. Then 12 months and so on. Before you know he will be getting all cosy again in your home. Do not let this happen.

No, don't let him in to your home. Make sure he either doesn't have a key or change the locks. An abusive man should never be allowed into your home.
Bear in mind that you have every right to bar him from the home. No court will allow him access against your wishes if he has been abusive and while, if the courts get involved, they will maintain that the child has a right to see the non-resident parent, that parent has no right to contact with the other parent.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 13-May-14 18:42:30

No. Not ever. No fucking way!

He's an ex-partner for a reason. Your home is now your personal space, your refuge from the world. Your refuge from HIM.

You know that the minute the door closes behind you he'll be rifling through your things and snooping on everything.

CurtWild Tue 13-May-14 18:43:35

I'm in this situation too. EA stbxh has had nowhere suitable to take them and can't handle 3 babies on his own anyway. Shortly, he'll be moving into a flat in the same street as me and intends to 'keep an eye on me' and see our DC every day. Not the best news I ever had!

BoffinMum Tue 13-May-14 18:43:38

Hell no, thin end of the wedge.

Corygal Tue 13-May-14 18:44:50

Even if he wasn't abusive, I wouldn't let him in. It's your home and your private space. Anyway, he needs to find somewhere to live fairly pronto so I would just stress that.

MoonshineWashingLine Tue 13-May-14 18:48:31

Thanks for your replies. I didn't think I was being unreasonable but he seems to think I am! He stresses me out so much I can't bear to spend any time with him, let alone let him in to my home!

wyrdyBird Tue 13-May-14 18:52:13

You're right.
he just wants some normal time with her in a home environment. is a classic manipulative statement.

For abusers you can translate that as I just want some way of violating your boundaries and taking control of you again. I'll make it about the child, and I'll make it sound very reasonable. That should work.

Well done to you, stick to your guns.

mervynmouse Tue 13-May-14 19:02:33

I've also been in this situation and would urge you to be firm and say absolutely not. lgnore any attempts at guilt tripping or manipulation through emotional bullying.

If you give him an inch he'll take a mile. I understand that you want him to be able to spend time with your DD but intruding in your space, particularly with his background is a very bad idea. I don't know where they get the cheek to think it's acceptable quite honestly. At the very least he'll be eating your food, watching your tv and sponging off your utilities. Until he's sorted out new accommodation they continue on the park/cafe route. Good luck.

MeMyselfAnd1 Tue 13-May-14 19:18:22

No. Keep clear boundaries. Mine was allowed to keep the keys of the house as we had a friendly split. He felt so comfortable with the privilege that one weekend I came back home to find he had taken anything of value or use in the house. He even took the expensive food I just bought for DS' restricted diet and took it with him.

Incidentally, my ex is a very highly paid man, so I can assure you this is not about "need" but about the guy feeling "entitled" to keep calling the shots in his former territory.

paxtecum Tue 13-May-14 19:19:40

No, no, no, NO.
He could be looking through your underwear, or doing all manner of gross things.

You really don't want his prescence in your space.

Don't be fooled by him.

johnworf Tue 13-May-14 19:22:41

Can you try and arrange it so he can see them at a contact centre? It doesn't have to be supervised (although it can be). You won't have to see him and they have loads of resources there for both adults and children to enjoy together smile

Inertia Tue 13-May-14 19:24:38

Absolutely not. This is, in all likelihood, an attempt to continue to use abusive behaviour to control you- and if violence is involved you cannot take the risk of allowing him into your home. I would also argue that if he is violent and there is a risk to your child, then all of his contact with your child should be at least in public and ideally supervised contact.

Part of being a parent is taking responsibility for housing the child in your care. If you allow him to force the issue of his contact being in your home, he is abdicating some of his responsibilities as a parent as well as using the opportunity to control you.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 13-May-14 20:10:50

Once I was out of an EA relationship I vowed that my home would be a place of peace with only GOOD memories in it. And that there would be NO memories of 'that man' sitting in a chair in the living room, eating at my table, arguing with me about something. It was a fresh, new start and was worth every penny spent on new furniture, paint, etc to make it MY home, not what was left of 'our' home, figuratively speaking. He never crossed the threshold and my home remained my haven until I remarried & moved away.

It should be the same for you. Your home is your sanctuary.

MoonshineWashingLine Tue 13-May-14 20:34:17

Thanks again, I will look in to a contact centre but doubt he will go for that.

I have emailed him with a firm NO with regards to coming to the house. Even stresses me out just waiting for his response...

He wasn't violent towards me, it was always inanimate objects that got it. He was very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. I am so glad I don't have to put up with that anymore, jusy wish he'd sod off now but unfortunately he keeps trying to worm his way back in to my life. I have lots count of how many times I have told him to back off!

You can cut most forms of contact with him, you know. You can insist that he is only allowed to contact you via email (set up a specific Gmail account or something) and ignore phone calls and refuse to answer the door if he turns up unexpectedly. If he continues to make a pest of himself you can take legal action to have him kept at a distance. Just because he is the father of your DC does not give him a right to contact with you, and he can be forcibly prevented from harassing you.

BerylStreep Tue 13-May-14 20:53:13

Just want to add another 'no way' to the responses.

His responsibility to sort something.

And hitting inanimate objects is still domestic violence. Just because it wasn't you that time, it is still designed to put you in fear of his physical strength.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now