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were you when choosing a partner?
WhenI was single I would initally go on attraction, spark but when it came to make your mind up time I tended to use my head. When I first started dating my partner there were two other men in the running so to speak. One a creative, one sexy as hell but a bit rough and then my partner very attractive perhaps not as exciting as the other two very reliable, good job and loyal.
When I was making my mind up I wasn't cold about it but I looked at the hard facts and made a reasoned choice based on who I felt would be a better long term partner and I have always felt I made the right choice.
What about the rest of you?
I think your approach is probably right. We can't really do much about sexual attraction and compatibility. In most cases it's either there or it isn't. There are few things more futile than trying to manufacture sexual attraction to someone 'suitable' just because they are 'suitable.'
So you have to make the decision about whether the relationship has a positive future from a pool of single suitors to whom you feel attraction in the first place. That does tend to narrow the field somewhat.
But I agree with you about making the decision with your head when you reach that point. I didn't with my first two relationships and they failed. I was much colder and more analytical about the potential for my current relationship and thus far it has paid off.
I attempted to make the 'right' choice when choosing my last relationship. At the same time it was starting I also had the choice of an ex-boyfriend who I had loved very dearly but who had treated me terribly, and another man who I had great chemistry with but didn't fully trust. I instead went for the guy who seemed stable, constant in his affections, lovely, respectful, thoughtful and seemingly totally besotted with me. He passed the waitress test, met the parents, did everything right and yet somehow it still went tits up, and he turned out to be a cheating dickhead as well! Now, quite frankly, I feel like giving up on men altogether, as it seems that no matter how hard I try to make the 'right' choice it always ends in heartbreak and disappointment....
I went for looks, which I have realised recently was a huge mistake.
Same here OP.
Albeit I was only 16 but I had my mum on the edge of her nerves with the number of hooligans I dated. Finally found Mr Atbeckandcall when sort of seeing a couple of others. Made the decision to not choose the arty one or the
fucking gorgeous moody brooding type. So that left DH, sensible, handsome and with huge prospects.
I'm proud of my "choice" and I wouldn't be without him.
I went with my head 7 yrs ago. He was ten yrs younger, I had 4 dc and was divorced but I quite simply loved him and couldn't think of not being with him.
To be fair though he was more "grown up" than I was and had a good career and adores us all.
He also I guess followed his heart as I couldn't give him children and had a pretty hectic life.
We are married now with a little miracle dd and are just great together.
I just went with the flow.
I knew my DH socially for many years before we dated, though, so had he been a 'deal-breaker' aside from the romantic side we probably wouldn't have got together in the first place.
OH, and the only time I went for 'sensible' it turned out to be 'controlling weirdo'. SO perfect when you looked at it logically... because it was all a facade. Wished I'd not wasted 3 years of my life when my gut was saying 'no - he plays the 'you'd be an idiot not to, check out my prospects' card to well the cynical bastard'.
LTR 1: looks based and good career. Fortunately dd came from this relationship (and has inherited his looks Unfortunately there was no communication and I had to watch him empty his salary into gambling machines etc...
LTR 2: older man. Thought there was more of a 'connection' intellectually but turned out to be a toxic cocklodger!
I'm off men for the foreseeable future
Well I don't think I had three guys fighting over me when I was making the decision about DH, lucky you OP!
I didn't really want to settle down before I met DH so I had about a decade of casual flings/FBs/ONS, where I based attraction on looks/personality, without thinking much about long-term prospects. For me that was the right thing at the time, because I wanted to get a lot of experience and have fun. I was never really exclusive with any of them or saw them as men I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
Then when I decided I was ready to find a long-term partner, I rejected a few guys because I could tell they weren't suitable for/interested in a genuine relationship. I find that the fact that they weren't suitable made them much less attractive to me - I found I stopped finding men like that sexually attractive at all, so I wasn't having to fight against it as it just killed the chemistry for me. I met DH and I knew he was a keeper - great personality, gorgeous, stable career, emotionally balanced, not a game player, great with my family. But I don't feel I had to compromise as I was intensely attracted to him. I don't think I would have settled for someone with a good job but no chemistry.
I didn't really think about it tbh. We met, fell in love, had a physical attraction, shared the same humour and were/are soul mates.
Love each other as much as the day we met, married 22 years, together 25 very soon
I couldn't have conciously chosen somebody for earning potential or what seemed sensible.
I married for love and chose with heart, anything else doesn't last or make you happy imo.
Being with dp is definitely a heart not head - but to be fair financially I prefer to look after myself and after a awful 1st dh you can't buy love and would hate to be reliant on someone else. Current dp is a great dad and his lack of money doesn't matter!
I think it's a bit weird to divide it into sensible or not sensible really.
You either really like them or not, no?
I 've always gone for nice fellas who have treated me well so I guess you could say sensible but I don't see it like that.
Well I met him when I was 16, so um, he looked nice in overalls was about as far as my selection criteria went, rofl.
Nearly twenty years and two children later I obviously wouldn't have stayed with him if that was his only plus point, but, at the time that was as far as my choice went.
I think no matter how attractive I found a man I could not pick him if he didn't have the basics - such as secure employment, reasonable relationship history, the makings of a good long term partner.
That said, I carefully selected the most reliable, kind, dedicated individual on earth to marry and he ended up developing MH issues very unexpectedly and it was absolutely horrible.
Therefore along with all the "on paper" requirements I used to have, I admit I do now start asking about family history...is there any illnesses in the family...how does this person cope with stress etc.
I suppose you keep re-defining the list after each experience...
I had lots of attachment issues when young, and still have to a very hight extent. So when I chose my partner there was an element of physical attraction, not to the point of complete infatuation, but a real attraction. But mainly he was reliable, intelligent and loyal. It would have been the end of me to be in a relationship with someone unfaithful, dumb or unreliable.
I felt safe, secure. I didn't lose my mind but sometimes I do wonder if I should have gone for a more creative type, someone who swept me off my feet completely. It would have brought the creative side out of me. I wished I had that.
Sensible but I knew he was right for me. I know he will support us and be a good dad. He was a student at the time and studying for a well paid profession, he had been sensible with money and shared my interests. Prob helped that a mutual friend introduced us.
Followed my heart in a tricky situation.
So so so glad I did, couldnt be without him.
Sounded a bit twee, of course I could be without him if it came to it, but I wouldnt want to and dont have to
unless he knows something I dont - yay!
I was dumb before I got married and it took me years to get away. No attraction, no work ethic, no hobbies, nothing.
DP and I knew each other for years so I knew that he's a nice person and that we have a lot in common but he's also hugely attractive, works hard, great with my children, fun, loving etc
amazing in bed
DH was my first relationship so I didn't have a lot to compare him to. We are very different in some ways and we were young when we met so had a lot of growing up to do. Ultimately, I definitely made the right choice. He's a great Dad, a generous and supportive partner.
I fancied him straight away although he wasn't my usual type.
I made such a good decision. He's good looking, fun, responsible especially with money, has respect for me and other women, laid back..
before him I'd been with idiots who took drugs, drank all the time and were no-bodies.
I'd like to think I was sensible but the fact is you have no idea what someone is really like until push comes to shove. When I met my partner he seemed reliable, hard working, gentle, prioritised his family... but since the shit hit the fan he's been a selfish monster. By comparison, an old flatmate of mine seemed a total bad boy who I wouldn't touch with a barge pole - "professional" musician, loads of "fuck buddies", pot habit etc etc - but in the same situation he stepped up. There's really no way of guessing who they are underneath.
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