Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why is it that as soon as you say something back to a bitchy person then YOU are the bad guy?

(64 Posts)
MrsJaffaCakes Tue 13-May-14 10:53:05

This has happened to me a couple of times in the past and has just happened again, and I find it infuriating!

I am friends with a group of mums from my DCs school. One in particular I have spent a lot of time with as our DDs are best friends. Said 'friend' considers herself very attractive and likes attention, and basically has insinuated loads of times that I am ugly. I think she's kind of set things up so that she is the gorgeous, good looking one and I'm her ugly sidekick.

She has made many barbed comments over the past few years. Sometimes little snippy remarks and at other times little digs that are veiled as a compliment.

I have got fed up with these comments but it all came to a head at the weekend when a group of us were out in a restaurant. Another friend said to me that she always thinks that I look like a certain tv personality. Nasty friend then piped up very sarcastically "Well I bet that that celebrity would be really flattered", and pulled a face. I said to her that what she had just said was hurtful and rude, and that I had had enough of her nasty little comments. Cue her bursting into tears and saying that she doesn't mean any harm and that she just "says things how they are".

All of our mutual friends were then fussing around her, and I ended up getting the cold shoulder a little for the rest of the evening. Two friends have contacted me since the incident and told me about how upset she is, and how she didn't mean any harm. Basically defending her and thinking that I am in the wrong.

I feel like ditching the whole lot of them!

Fullpleatherjacket Tue 13-May-14 11:01:17

I think you've got the answer yourself in your last sentence.

They sound ridiculous.

Oldraver Tue 13-May-14 11:01:34

Then use this opportunity to tell them how hurt YOU have been over the years and years of nasty digs

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 13-May-14 11:02:47

I think you should ditch them.

Pointing out someone's deficiencies, especially in front of other people, is not going to make you popular. Well, not with her anyway. The "bitch" in question used a tried-and-trusted method to deflect her unkindness onto you, so she's obviously an expert at it.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 13-May-14 11:04:37

Yep ditch them you sound lovely OP they sound like a nightmare

TheWanderingUterus Tue 13-May-14 11:04:52

She was in the wrong and so are your mutual friends.

I had a similar friend and the constant drip drip drip of horrible snarky comments really did a number on my self esteem.

Much happier without her in my life.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 13-May-14 11:06:46

She's an arse and the others are just pathetic. Get nicer friends!

Sunnyfeet Tue 13-May-14 11:09:09

Ah, I could have written that myself OP. We have an office bitch, but she's also Golden Girl, and she's fire proof. And she knows it. She can dish it out, but god forbid if you give anything back, you get stonewalled by the wider office for days.

MrsJaffaCakes Tue 13-May-14 11:10:45

She's a bit of a golden girl too. I think I'll leave them all to get on with it. I wonder if she'll start on someone else in that group?

sunbathe Tue 13-May-14 11:13:15

Yes, do what oldraver suggests. Email them back with a dignified defence and maybe ask them if they would have been happy with the barbed comment coming their way.

Make them think.

Sunnyfeet Tue 13-May-14 11:13:35

I think all groups have a natural pecking order, and if you assert yourself against someone higher than you in that pecking order, then you'll find the others will rush to her aid. In a group, people will usually back the more popular person - it's a weird sheep mentality thing, but it seems to happen in all walks of life.

bberry Tue 13-May-14 11:14:18

Yes... I have known "toxic" men and women like this.... Give them a wide berth.... They are so skilled at manipulating you can't really win... And people always presume the one crying is the victim.... Not always the case....

FiveExclamations Tue 13-May-14 11:14:26

Any chance the other "friends" are knicker wettingly scared of this bitch?

I mean, if you give up your post as whipping woman she might turn on one of them!

Lweji Tue 13-May-14 11:15:55

Maybe you should have cried and made her look like the hurtful bitch. grin

More seriously, I think you should explain that you have been very hurt by her, only you are not the crying type.
But, yes, you can now see who are your real friends.

FiveExclamations Tue 13-May-14 11:16:43

There was a book that I was advised to read with my daughter "Queen Bees and wannabes" this sounds like some of the scenarios in the book.

sunbathe Tue 13-May-14 11:17:01

Didn't finish. Phone went funny. hmm

So many women seem to flock around women who cry. If you don't cry, you're not seen as sensitive and able to be hurt.

Sunnyfeet Tue 13-May-14 11:19:17

But hopefully the 'bitch' won't pick on the OP again? But you do sometimes find that if you stand up to someone like that, you get accused of being oversensitive, or not being able to take a joke. I agree it's a bit no-win.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 13-May-14 11:21:28

Unfortunately she got the crying in first, which automatically made you The Bad Guy. If you'd burst into tears instead of showing her up for the unkind bitch she really is, everyone would have been fussing around you. She's extremely manipulative, and should be avoided at all costs. Your other friends are being played like a fiddle. Some of them might come round and see her for the cow she is, once she's chosen her new best pal/victim, and some may not.

cookoos Tue 13-May-14 11:24:20

ditch them OP!
i could have wrote your post myself at the moment, except in my case it is in work, so cant ditch!

if you can avoid seeing them then do so. not real friends. she sounds awful!

xx

OnaPromise Tue 13-May-14 11:26:14

I hate people like this. Yes wide berth

SATSmadness Tue 13-May-14 11:29:58

She says that she "just says things how they are". That's bollox.

In the real world and to most normal people she is "being tactless" or "being thoughtless". It's a shame that she doesn't get this. I bet she'd "get it" pdq if she wasn't the attractive one.......

With hindsight, the only way you could have been a winner in the situation is if you had been the one to burst into tears.

4seasons Tue 13-May-14 11:31:05

Not that this will help you at all..but my sister in law is just like this .Over the last few years I have put on a couple of stone in weight and although I am not considered "fat" I am " cuddly "! She never misses a chance to make a little dig about my weight or my eating habits and even when she takes family photographs she always ensures that I am eating something when she does it ! It enrages me but I have never done anything about it or fought back .My father in law too always found it amusing . Perhaps she got her nasty little bullying tactics from him ? Having read your post though I am now gearing myself up to fight my corner the next time we meet up , whatever the consequences . In fact if it means I don't have to suffer her company again that will be great . Result !!! So thanks .

Ditch them, they are behaving no better than 13 year old girls wanting to stay 'in' with the popular girl. Either because they're afraid of her, or because they like to be seen to be friends with her. Either way, you can't win by staying in the group when she's as manipulative as this.

Leave them to it, she'll pick another 'plain sidekick' to torment next. You might find in time that they spot this. Or not. either way, you're better off without them.

Standinginline Tue 13-May-14 11:35:00

Because you're always meant to be the bigger person and not stoop to their level. Which means you're meant to just take it and let people walk all over you. I think not somehow. The only person I allow that happen to is my partners ex and that because there's kids involved.

HeeHiles Tue 13-May-14 11:39:31

NO - stay and play grin

I had a girl in an office where I worked like this - she was the pretty one - but I was the sexy one wink she was full of the back handed comments - so I used to do the same to her - things like.....'Oh you look really tired and washed out today - are you OK?' Or 'Have you lost weight? You look thinner!'

Have some fun!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now