Tips On Reconnecting With Seperated Wife

[NormalBloke]

We split in February and both moved out of the house to new places the month after. She said she was done with our 8 years relationship as we just did not agree on parenting and this drove a wedge between us over the years and killed the affection etc

We have 3 young kids and miss them all dearly. I miss my wife so much it hurts like crazy.

I told my wife the day she left would she please try again she said no her mind was made up.There is no one else and nobody cheated

In the meantime I have not made any attempt to ask her back as I know its too early she would probably say no anyway and I fear the rejection would put me back on square 1. We are on speaking terms and I see her when I pick up / drop off kids.

I am taking very good care of myself and make a real effort to be nice and polite etc with her when we do meet. I have the kids at the agreed times and look after them really well.

However when I do see her behind my façade I just want to sweep her off her feet and kiss her.....ahhhhhh its so hard. When I leave her I sometime shed a few tears....

Is there anything else I could do to .......Yeh I know I am going to get slaughtered off you guys and people are going to say just move on but I just want to put our family back together if at all possible.

In the meantime I am trying my best to face up to the fact we may never work out....My head tells me I should just leave it but from time to time I just get the urge to tell her how I feel, but I know this might push her further away.

If anyone else is in the same situation my heart goes out to you
x

[shoppingfrenzy]

Poor you. . If I were you I think I'd write it all down in a letter. But you have to be prepared that you may not get the answer you want.

[avocadogreen]

I feel for you... my H left after 15 years together and even though he has someone else and is a cheating bastard I still miss him a lot and find it very hard to see him and just be civil when all I want to do is shake him and say 'why the hell are you doing this?!'

However I would prepare yourself for the fact there may well be someone else. In my experience and from what I have seen of friends' relstionship breakdowns, people rarely move on so suddenly and completely without there being someone else involved.

[FoxSticks]

I really feel for you. Does your wife show any indication that she has changed her position at all?

I'm not sure I would pour my heart out, I'd feel too vulnerable. I think I would try to either tell her face to face or in a short note that space has only amplified how important she was to me and I still hoped things could be repaired and would be keen to attend couples counselling, if she would too.

[Maisie0]

Ok, I am going to sound harsh now. If you want your wife to appreciate you again, and that you mentioned that you had "arguments over parenting", what were those arguments about, and how? What were your parts in those situations, and do you even remember what you said, why, and how it affected the decision-making then ?

IF you love your wife, as much as you say you do. THEN it would have been so simple to see clearly how your wife would have handled a situation, and how you would have, or should've supported her in parenting. Now, if you say you love your wife, it should be easier to remember her as a person, and also her as a mother too. Do you remember those memories ?

[LoveBomber]

'I am taking very good care of myself and make a real effort to be nice and polite etc with her when we do meet. I have the kids at the agreed times and look after them really well'

This speaks volumes. I would take from this that her issues with you are that you were lazy, abusive and a shit father.

Am I wrong?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm not going to slaughter you but I am going to say that, as you were the one who got dumped, your self-respect is not going to be improved by hanging around your ex hoping she takes pity on you and asks you back. If you declared undying love and she said 'yes' you'd risk being an object of contempt and if she said 'no' you'd be rejected all over again.

It's only been a few weeks and you have to assume she still feels the same way as she did in February. So go easy on yourself, make an effort to develop your life in a different direction and I hope, with time, you'll find a way to make it work

[CailinDana]

When you say "we just did not agree on parenting" what does that mean?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think anyone really breaks up with someone over differences in parenting, do you?

[CailinDana]

It depends Cogito. I would definitely break up with my DH if he wanted to smack or verbally abuse my children.

[NormalBloke]

100% not lazy, always fairly smartly turned out, and spent loads of time with my kids.

Over a couple of years after our we argued over kids bedtimes , time on computers etc etc etc.

I wanted some boundaries for the kids to work to she said there should not be any . I wanted them to sometime to earn treats for good behaviour and not just have them indulged all the time. I stood up for what I think is right for the kids not for what was easier for us parents. We just clashed so much.

She refused to compromise a single inch whereas I tried to find some common ground

I am far from perfect and i think she just saw me as been too bossy and domineering. No matter how hard I tried I just could not seem to communicate to her that I had the best intentions for our 3 children .

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The children won't have changed much in three months, neither have you and neither has she.... You do sound like you had some serious incompatibilities there but I still don't think what you're describing is a standalone reason for ending an 8 year relationship. Could be that 'bossy and domineering' extended to other aspects of the marriage. Could be something else entirely and the parenting element is a convenient short-hand.

[NormalBloke]

Cog the parenting issues sometimes just used to consume the full week and they do crossover in me and the wifes relationship....

Sometimes you argue about the kids and that clouds all the other time.

I do admit making some mistakes like having screaming matches in front of the kids. We were both guilty of that I feel ashamed that I/we acted so bloody stupidly

[Maisie0]

Normalbloke But you do realise that "boundaries" are actually "priorities" if it was done in the right way ? If it was done rightly, then it is "growing" for the child, but it if was done wrongly, then it would be seen as "enforcing rules" from where they are sitting. If you do not have the co-operation of the children, and their own capabilities, and slowly draw it out from them and keep them motivated, they will indeed come to resent you.

Children will not and does not indulge if they have all their needs met, and that each day, their encounters and experiences actually enhance every step of their own development into their own sense of self.

But sometimes you got to think about how to achieve the same goal but in a different way and be creative. Some parents take teaching of moral values and discipline in inside the house. Whereas others will take the moral lessons say in the form of a church or a religious entity. So it leaves the parents still be the child's "protector" so to speak. It gives them a sense of self reassurance when growing up. You would not expect a child to "fear" their own parent, right ? Nobody is allowed to question or to ask about other people's business, but when does a parent step up and out to say "I do need some guidance or some reflective opinion on my situation to see where I have gone wrong, cos I cannot see it myself."

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then the problem was 'screaming matches' and not differences in parenting. Sounds very stressful and, once a relationship has descended into that kind of aggressive behaviour pattern, being ashamed etc is probably too little, too late.

[NormalBloke]

Theres one thing for sure ......I wish I had joined this site a year ago and got advice from you guys a lot earlier.

Parenting is difficult and yes I have made some mistakes....I didn't mean to at all I just wanted them all to be happy and feel such a useless failure for not making a success of my marriage.

Just going to have to plod on and see what happens....Getting the kids tomorrow......cant wait!!!!!

[NormalBloke]

Yes Cog you are probably right point taken..I know theres no magic cure.

From now on all my energy is just going straight into my children they are so precious to me.

Thanks guys for all your replies

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry but did it not occur to you - without the benefit of MN wisdom - that a house where screaming matches took place was a pretty miserable environment for everyone in it, or that being stubborn about a point of view to the point of shouting is not the way to persuade someone? Is this how you operate in the work-place or with friends? Eight years and it seems to have taken you being thrown out on your ear for the penny to drop that something was very badly wrong.

[AnyFucker]

OP, has your ex been on Mumsnet ? it seems she has taken the sensible Mumsnet line and got herself some space...from you, from the kids and from the toxic atmosphere that was in your home.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I recognize the parenting differences you are talking about, I have similar issues with my own husband to a much lesser extent. I am much more relaxed than him. If my son is still doing his homework at quarter to nine, I just dont start yapping about our 9 pm bedtime rule. Husband will come in from working late, see child at his desk, and without thinking there might be a reason why he is there rather than eating his supper, goes straight into "It is bed time, you should be eating by now. Chop chop". It causes no end of frustration, when we then have an upset child who has been disrupted, and feel he is doing something wrong." In such circumstances I feel that I am not just raising my kids, I am raising and educating my husband. If this was something that happened all the time, or a lot, or more than once a month even, I would be exasperated.

I think I am just more "in tune", and let them develop and experience without a regime around us. They are happy and well adjusted, but the moment another parent suddenly tries to take over and assert something else, it is like a vulcanic eruption in our house. It is rare, and I did not think about it until I saw this thread, so thank you for that.

[NormalBloke]

Yes Penny has dropped

Quint..............I was exactly the same as your husband I recognise everything you say.

Hands up I did not see the damage I was doing. I suppose I thought I was doing the right thing. With hindsight I wasn't.

Just something I am going to have to take on the chin big time, move on and learn from it...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And what have you learned?

[Maisie0]

Normalbloke So now you will give up because you read some comments online and changed the direction for your life, instead of actually "fighting" for love and "doing better" cos you just lost your cool ?

I only responded because I felt sorry for you and that you were indeed sincere. I think your wife asked for a timeout, especially if there are no 3rd party involved at all. It is a wise decision. The question is, what are both of your strategies in parenting, and how best can you both improve, and rebuild back your life again together, and that is if you do indeed want her back, and want her as both a partner and a wife too.

A family unit can only stay together as a unit if the welfare for all concerned are met. Meet the children's needs, but forget the wife. Unequal. Meet the husband's need for work, but the family life suffers. Unequal. Meet the children's needs both parents suffer. Unequal. Burnt out. Meet the needs of the couple, but children suffer. Unequal. They won't know who they are as individuals.

I can tell you that, nobody has an ultimate guidebook on "how to be an adult". But most of us, if we can, and when we can, we remind ourselves of "better avoiding this particular decision/direction".

If you want your wife to respect you again. Sometimes state the obvious as in your observation, be humble in your parenting. e.g. "Look, DS has started to run, he was so scared before. That is great." It shows her that you have noticed his improvement, and his own growing, and you reassure her as a partner that you are also looking at the welfare of your children as well.

And also if you love your wife, then also love her and take care of her welfare too. "Did you find some time to wind down today? Was DS playing up or did he sleep well ?", " should we maybe readjust the football session time to an earlier one, cos he seems like hyperactive after he came home and he couldn't sleep at all".

I will say that, I am also an auntie, and I too had to "hold back" an awful lot and respect my sibling's decision sometimes on parenting. But sometimes if the obvious is too obvious, then I too would actually intervene too.

This style of communication is working with somebody and not throwing your own weight around and expect someone else to comply. A lot of people think in a more "black/white" way. But how does your children or your wife respond ?

Why don't you guys set a couple time to discuss small things each day, and check one another's opinions, and check the progress of the children as well ? Kind of like a "parents meeting" if you like. Maybe doing this is better than reacting there and there badly in front of the children.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@Maisie0.. the OP is not giving up, he's been told to sling his hook. I'm sure now that he can parent his children his way when they're on his time there will be zero conflict in future.

[Maisie0]

Cog I am actually concerned that he is being persuaded more and to stay away than to try again, cos his thread does state, "if there are tips" to get back together with his life. But now after everyone wrote down what we said, he seemed to have given up and go for a divorce.

"Just something I am going to have to take on the chin big time, move on and learn from it..."

I hope he does not mean a divorce, than to try again and correct the parenting step. Sorry, maybe I am a bit worried that he could be thinking this.

If you read his first post, he mentioned that he still loves his wife. It hink this is an important point to protect, don't you ? The question is if his wife feels the same way too. If I was him, I would not jepodise and aggravate her more, but try to be more conducive in the parenting. Cos afterall, the children do suffer, even if suddenly split parents are starting to buy their affections with more "happy and fun" times. Which, well, you would have thrown away the disciplining which they argued about originally any way.

If he walks away, then it means he is giving up. He needs to keep it steady for now, and work with it, and through it. And definitely try not to do this "buy affection" thing on the children too. Which I know can be hard and it does happen.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"It hink this is an important point to protect, don't you ? "

I think it's a more important point that she told him it was over. People don't tend to reach that conclusion lightly and, when they do, I think they should be taken seriously. He may love her but, if she doesn't love him, why flog a dead horse?